It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
-James Blunt, Goodbye my lover.
Spencer," I stated. Because that was just what it was what it was; just a fact that she was there.
"Toby, what you saw in there…" she began to explain.
"Let me guess, it wasn't what it looked to be; it was just a friend? Honestly, Spencer, I really don't care who it was or how it looked like. Right now, it just seems to me that you don't care," I spoke with a confident voice. "It feels like you haven't cared for me ever since you left me. Time after time, you've been giving me false hope, popping up at my door, wanting to be together, right after you said we couldn't be together over the phone. Then you give me a note saying I should come meet you. Then I do it—I actually come meet you—but all you're doing is sitting in a restaurant with another guy. How do you think this makes me feel?" I asked, except now, I was on the verge of yelling.
I could see it in her eyes. She knew I was right; she had done all of those things.
"Toby," she whimpered.
"And the worst part is you can't deny it!" I yelled, throwing my hands up in the air because of the frustration I was feeling.
"Spencer…I think you're the worst thing that has ever happened to me." I confessed, knowing it would sound harsh, but I continued anyway, "but I also think you're the best thing to ever happen to me. You have been my princess and I feel like I've been your prince…but…maybe fairy tales aren't always meant to last."
I was just about to go. I couldn't and wouldn't take this anymore. It simply hurt too much; I think they call that heartbreak. I would make this fair for myself. I was gonna put myself first for once.
It was like Spencer had become a drug to me; I had become addicted to her in every touch, every kiss, and every smile.
This? This was just the aftermath after going months without having Spencer. This was the final outcome.
"Toby…" she mumbled, as if she were afraid I was going to yell. I just pretended not to hear her, and kept on walking away. "Toby," she commanded with as much power as I could muster. A power I had longed for. I turned around, curious to hear what she was going to say.
"You know that I did all of those things, and you know I can't deny it," she continued. "I know that too. Actually, for quite some time now," she whispered quietly.
"So?" I answered, not knowing where this would lead to.
"So the deal is I've been mourning for you. I've been feeling guilty as ever for leaving you. Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was for protection," she argued.
"But Spencer, you know I could've protected you. If you would have just told—"
"A has been making my life a living hell," she interrupted. "You were the only good thing in my life, but even now, she screwed it up. I started having these trust issues, even with you. You don't know how hard it is. I don't know who I can and can't trust," she told me.
"You could always come and talk to me. You know that," I answered gently, feeling empathy for her now.
"Yeah, I know. But I decided that your safety was more important than you being with me. You need to find somebody new and move on. You need to find a girl with no drama in her life and be happy, with her," she confessed, the pain peeking through her eyes.
But those words brought up all the anger and pain that had just calmed down. It crossed the line, making me cross the line. It made me regret things. I knew she meant it well when she said those things, but it hurt. Even though she might not have known what she just did, I still would blame it on her. She meant well, but right now, the thought of moving on from Spencer seemed impossible. Impossible, even though I just knew that I would never be with her again. Maybe I still love her, or maybe I'm just not in love anymore. I don't know. I was fairly confused, to be honest. But I would never be prepared for the outburst that was about to come.
"Yeah, but that doesn't explain you sleeping around with some random guy, after only a couple of months," I blurted out.
It only really sunk in after I had said it. I actually can't believe what I had said. No matter how much Spencer wounded me, she did not deserve this. The guilt was eating me up already, making it hard to breathe.
I locked my gaze with Spencer's. I saw that she just now had realized what I had just said. It hurt me to look at her like this, and I felt the weight of the guilt get heavier. She honestly looked like she had just gotten hit by a bullet, or that she just couldn't breathe. Honestly, I wouldn't blame her; if she said that to me, I probably would react the exact same way.
"Is that really what you think of me?" she asked. Tears are welling up in her eyes and you could've seen that she was doing everything to hold them back. She's always been so strong; that was one of the reasons I fell for her. But this was breaking my already broken heart. "Just some s*** spreading her legs for every single guy around the corner? I really thought we had more than that. Do you really think of me as—a s*** Toby?" she shouted.
"I-I..." I stuttered, not knowing what to do or say. What do you respond to such a question?
"You wanna know who that guy is," she yelled, referring to the guy inside the restaurant, which we were still standing outside of. "That guy was helping me find out who A is. I'm thinking that maybe I should just drop the deal. I only hired him so we could be together again. Maybe I should just drop it since you've clearly said how you feel about me and this former-relationship," she finished bluntly.
"So we're broken up now?" I mumbled. I started feeling a tear sliding down my chin. This night had been too much. I was physically drained, running on the last energy I had. I just wanted to go home and get some sleep. I wanted to sleep and deal with all of this tomorrow. Only then would I I actually have the time and energy.
"First you say I can trust you and talk to you, then you say I'm sleeping around. Honestly, I think that right now, we're both broken and we need time to heal. Alone. We need to be separated for a bit," she explained. I looked into her teary eyes and saw regret and guilt, but I still said what I said.
"Oh, just like what? The last four months? Because you left me. You left us. You left this relationship, and you let us down. Spencer, there is no 'us' anymore. You just said it was over," I declared. I took one step closer to her.
"Oh, would you stop pitying yourself so much? Don't you think it has hurt just as much for me as it has for you? It has hurt so much! I've been feeling like I can't breathe, like something has been suffocating me! It hasn't just hurt in my heart; my whole body has been hurting. I have had it bad too, alright? Just stop playing the victim!" she demanded.
"Spencer, I don't know how to be with you anymore," I whispered. Because that was the truth; I didn't know, and I didn't know if I wanted to know. I didn't want to fight anymore. I just wanted my world to be okay the next morning. I wanted to feel okay.
"I don't know, either," she replied.
And with our teary eyes and injured egos, we stood there. We stood there, not knowing if we were ever going to be fine, or what we were even supposed to do. Both of our lives were a mess and how would we ever fix them? And could we ever even be with one another again?
Hey guys, I'm hoping you're feeling great (if not I'm gonna find out where you live come over, hug you, and then do a movie night marathon with you, or like talk or something). I hope you like this chapter. Kayson (As always) has helped me like the world. Kayson is a wonderful person. I just wanted to say that. I like yellow raincoats, I got one this Tuesday, it makes me want to sing in the rain. Yes, that was urgent for you to know. Review and follow, but no pressure.
-A lot of hugs, AL