Dear Stan,

You are the fucking biggest, stupidest ass on the planet. You do realize that, right? Because if you don't see just how retarded you're being, then you're honestly nothing more than an under-evolved orangutan.

God, Stan, you're not doing yourself any favours by being an arrogant prick. You're not making this easy for me to take you back. As much as I want to believe that you can change, and you can smarten up and get your shit together, I'm just not seeing it right now. Example A: you think I'm an idiot. That's obviously the only reason you'd expect me to take you back by saying 'I'm sorry' a hundred different ways.

Nope. You're going to have to do a lot better.

Firstly, I'd just like to say that being a total pussy never got anyone anywhere. Getting upset at how 'mean' I was to you is not a valid argument. At least, it hasn't been since kindergarten. Get over yourself. Yeah, I was mean. But you deserved it.

Secondly, good job! You picked up on our 'coincidental' pattern, all on your own! Good for you. Well, I don't like to disappoint, so I guess I'll have to follow suit. I have a few different suggestions for this next list. "Six Reasons Stan Is an Idiot." or, "Six Ways Stan Needs To Smarten Up." Or even, "Six Reasons Stan Should Go Fuck Himself." Take your pick, I'm not married to any of them. You?

Number one. Stan, come on. Stop pissing me off. You're just being self-centered and arrogant when you say that I should forgive you. You've done nothing to gain my respect. You talk a great game about how 'sorry' you are and all that BULLSHIT, but yet, you still live with Cartman in South Park. It's been four months since your first letter, and you're not enough of a man to drive down to Denver to come and see me? To even try and show me that you love me? You hide behind a letter every couple of weeks. You're afraid to face me. Yeah, you must be real sorry.

Number two. It's too hard to throw my dignity in the toilet, because that's what you're asking of me. You think this is an easy fix. After all the fights we've had with day-after reconciliations and make-up sex, you think that this is going to be the same. But it's not. It takes some thought. Some balls. Are you working on growing some?

Number three. Stan, I do want to be happy. But if being happy for a while is just going to lead to ultimate unhappiness when you do something like this again, then it's not worth it. And I know it will happen again. That's just who you are.

Number four. Jealousy. Pretty good definition, Stan. Kudos. It's too bad you're a fucking idiot. Of course I love you! Of course I'm going to be jealous when you tell me you're cheating on me! Doesn't that make some logical sense at all? That doesn't mean it's 'beautiful'. Sadness is not beautiful. Unfaithfulness is not beautiful, Stan. Stop being so damn emo and get a dictionary.

Number five. I'm bullshitting you, you're bullshitting me. That's the essence of a relationship. I haven't moved on, obviously. Had I been able to move on, I would've moved on a long time ago. I would've burned your letter without opening it the first time it came. Just because I can't move on doesn't mean you being around will help. You'd just be enabling my inability to cope. Having you around would ruin me. Until you can prove otherwise, you can go sleep in a dumpster for all I care.

Number six. "When two people love each other they get married and be happy." Wow, I see the light. Thank you for the eternal solution to life, the universe and our existence. Praise Stan, for he has surely uncovered the secret of the world in his highly intelligent statement. I didn't know you had such a profound ass - because I know that's where this bull came from. I wanted to get married and be happy. Obviously, you didn't. So fuck you.

Well, I have a few more zingers for you, but I wouldn't want to ruin our nicely formed countdown. I bet we're all pretty excited to see what happens when we run out of numbers, huh?
Anyways, I have another list, as promised. It's called, "One More Reason I'm Still Not Forgiving Stan Marsh For Being A Backstabbing Douche."

I agree, we do have to drop some of the words in these ridiculous titles.

Number one. It's all about you. It always has been. You're so 'sorry'. You can't live without me. You're a wreck without me. You, you, you. I know that you're only doing this for yourself. You even said it yourself: you'd die without me. A prime example of how arrogant and self-centered you are. You don't give a shit about my feelings after all that crap you said. You left me at our wedding, and all you care about is how sad you are? Unbelievable.

You're doing this for you, not for me. And until you can turn that around, we won't be getting anywhere.

Kyle.

A/N: :o Lookit me! 2 updates in 2 days! *Pats self on back*

Well, I dunno yet. Should Kyle take him back? Or should he throw him out with the trash? Review!