Jaysus it's been over two weeks since I last updated this story. At least this update coincides with marriage equality coming back to California, which is fitting because Duncan and Harold are technically a same-sex couple in this fic since they got married, even though Duncan doesn't like it and that he was drunk during the wedding.
The characters are still in Portugal. I'm not sure when they will return to Canada. Anyway, this is the chapter where we learn something about Duncan, so the suspense is now over… until I create more suspense, MWAHAHAHAHA! Ahem, anyway, enjoy!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" shrieked Duncan, awaking with a jolt. He looked around the room to realise this was just a dream. His whole marriage to Harold was just a dream. Duncan breathed a sigh of relief as he laid back down on his bed.
"Gosh, you just woke me up from my dream, Duncan! IDIOT!" an all too familiar voice that was too close to Duncan's comfort hissed. Duncan realised that to his sheer horror, this wasn't a dream.
It was real. All of it.
Harold turned on the bedside lamp. He continued to remain oblivious to the death glare Duncan was giving him.
"Why did you scream?" Harold asked. "Did you have a nightmare?"
"Yes," Duncan replied, "except I'm living it, dweeb!"
"Do you want to have coitus with me?" Harold asked. "It could take your mind off the nightmare."
"Did you not hear a word I just said!" snapped Duncan. "I said I was living the nightmare! That means I wished this whole marriage thing didn't happen!"
"Why? Are you promiscuous?" Harold innocently asked.
Duncan looked at Harold in confusion. "What?!" he demanded.
"Oh, sorry," said Harold. "You don't know what promiscuous means? I'll explain it to you. It means-"
"I know what it means, Doris!" Duncan scolded. "And you shouldn't be asking me those questions!"
"I have a right to ask you those questions," Harold countered. "I'm your husband, GOSH! And Duncan, are you sure you know what promiscuous means?"
"It means you want to fuck millions of people!" Duncan snapped. "There! I know what it means!"
"That's not what it means!" Harold snapped back. "Promiscuous is an adjective used to describe an individual who has sex with several different people. Not every promiscuous individual has had sexual intercourse with millions of people."
Duncan had had enough. He pointed towards the door. "Get out!" he ordered.
"Why?" asked Harold.
"Because you're pissing me off, and it's my room, so get out!"
"Don't you mean our room?!" Harold corrected him. "We're married, remember? As a married couple, we must sleep in the same room. You're such an idiot, Duncan."
"Well I want a divorce!" Duncan barked. "Now get out!"
"But I don't want to," Harold protested.
Duncan exploded. "GET OUT!" he roared.
"I don't need this!" Harold scowled, marching into the en suite bathroom and slamming the door behind him. Duncan rolled his eyes and turned off the lamp. He tried to fall asleep, but he couldn't. Duncan realised that he needed to take a wiz so he got up and went over to the bathroom door. He knocked on it.
When there was no response, Duncan barked: "Harold, I need to use the bathroom!" When there was no response, Duncan gets angrier. He picks up his pants from the floor and removes a needle to pick the lock with. After several failed attempt at picking the lock, Duncan realises that the door was unlocked. Duncan opens the door. The bathroom was pitch black. Duncan switches on the light to see tissues everywhere. There was mucous on each tissue, causing Duncan to cringe.
Harold was sleeping in the bath. He was awoken by the light being turned on. He glared at Duncan. "Turn off the light! It impairs my ability to sleep properly! Curse you're ignorance of the importance of environmental factors of sleep! IDIOT!" Harold scolded.
"I need to piss!" Duncan scoffed.
"Then piss," said Harold.
"I'm not doing it while you're watching me!"
"It's okay. Regardless of the size of your penis in terms of length and circumference, I will always love you," Harold assured Duncan.
Duncan looked and Harold and gritted his teeth. "That better not be sarcastic, or I will beat the shit out of you!"
"No Duncan, I'm serious," Harold insisted. "A man only needs a penis to reproduce. If we decide conceive children through a surrogate mother and a donated ovum, only one of us needs to supply the sperm." Duncan rolled his eyes as he pulled down his pants and sat down on the toilet. He almost fell in because Harold left the toilet seat up.
"Harold, if we do have kids, and I mean, IF," Duncan retorted, "the father is going to be me! I don't want our child to have mental disorders when he finds out he came from you!"
"Duncan, if we do have a baby, there is no guarantee that he or she will be a boy," Harold corrected him. "But if I was the father of our child, wouldn't he or she be happy to know that his or her biological father has mad skills?"
"Mad skills my ass!" Duncan grunted when he flushed the toilet. When he did, he immediately realised the significance of that conversation he just had with Harold. He fainted.
And of all the possible places in a bathroom where Duncan could have landed, it just had to be Harold.
"Wash your hands after using the toilet, IDIOT!" Harold scolded. Then he realised that Duncan was unconscious.
Duncan awoke to find himself laying on top of Harold. He quickly climbed out of the bath and noticed several wet spots on Harold's pants. Duncan did not want to know what they were, so he pulled the shower curtains.
Duncan spent the rest of the day trying to avoid Harold. He failed. What bothered him the most was that Courtney and Gwen were talking to each other. They gave Duncan dirty looks when they noticed him.
"What do you want?!" Duncan snapped.
"To continue glaring at you," Courtney replied.
"You had it coming," Gwen added.
"Tell me you're not siding with her, Pasty!" Duncan demanded.
"Don't call me Pasty!" snapped Gwen. "You're lucky I'm angry with myself more than I am angry with you!" Duncan couldn't help but snicker at this.
"Don't snicker at her!" Courtney slapped Duncan in the face. "Especially when you initiated the kiss!"
"Oh, so you forgive her now?!" Duncan huffed.
"Yes I do, actually!" Courtney snapped. "Especially after I found out that Gwen wasn't the first one you cheated on me with! Chris showed me some extra footage from Total Drama Action and I found out you were sleeping with Lindsay, Beth, Izzy, Heather, Justin, Owen and Chef! You even slapped Trent's ass nine times and blamed it on DJ, and you were begging Bridgette and Geoff for a three-way!"
"Feel very stupid now that you took all of your anger out on Gwen," Duncan jeered. Gwen punched him in the face.
"Shut up, Duncan!" Gwen snapped. "When we got here you were sleeping with Anne Maria, kissing Sadie, receiving lap dances from Katie and letting Jo ride you on that cruise before you broke up with me!"
"Should've thought of that earlier," Duncan jeered.
"That kiss back in the plane was a mistake that I thought was forgivable as long as it happens only once!" Gwen growled. "And I thought you really did love me and was on the verge of breaking up with Courtney! I was wrong!"
"At least there's one thing you've done for us!" Courtney scolded.
"And what is that?" Duncan demanded.
"You taught us that you're a pig!" Courtney shouted. "You are the biggest mistake Gwen and I have both made! Thank God we are both friends with Bridgette, otherwise we would never have realised this!" So the CIT and the Goth got up and went somewhere else. Suddenly, Duncan felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to face Harold.
"Duncan! I can't believe you never told me you've had sex with all these people!" Harold scowled. "Thank God we never shifted during our honeymoon! You'd better get tested for STDs before we can have sex!"
To Duncan's horror, Harold's worlds were heard all over the pool area. Everyone that was on Total Drama heard them.
"NO WAY!" Chris cackled. "THAT IS AWESOME!"
Duncan let out a loud scream and stomped back to his room. He hated Harold, and now he hates Gwen as much as he hates Courtney, not that he liked Gwen before he started hating her. He will always cherish those memories of when he shagged both girls, though.
Thanks to this chapter, I have written over 300,000 words. That's quite an achievement for someone who's only been on the site for two and a half years… okay, so it's not an achievement. Who cares? I'm delighted to have finally written over 300,000 words. I've no plans as to what's going to happen in the next chapter as of yet, but I'll definitely have it up some day. I plan to update all of my stories next month, but my main priority now for fan fiction is to update Total Drama: Island Renewed. I swear, it takes days to update that story, but it's always worth it when it's updated.
Until next time!