Again, Thank you THANK YOU for all the amazing reviews, favourites and alerts. They really do make me happy!
This chapter I wanted to move things on a bit and try and show how both girl's feelings are progressing, I do apologise if people just want them to be together already... but don't worry, I promise it WILL be worth the wait.
Yana and Sora Yagami: You mention wanting to see Paige's inner thoughts and I must admit I have wanted to write them for a while, I just haven't known when to start. Hopefully this chapter will give you a little taste and there will be more of Paige's point of view to come!
I could thank everyone for their comments individually but I will just say a big I LOVE YOU GUYS to you all and hope you will accept it.
p.s- chelseaxlee - hope this update is still in time to set your week off right! :)
I woke up and was suddenly aware that I was too close to Paige; In fact my legs were tangled with hers and my arm was hanging over her loosely. I held my breath as I took in the moment for a second or two, how Paige was still breathing slow and rhythmic in her state of sleep and her face was calm and peaceful. She looked beautiful.
I let my breath out slowly and forced myself to go back to reality. Paige couldn't wake up and find us in this position or find me staring at her like a creep, I don't know if I could deal with that.
As slowly as I could I moved my legs from the position they were in and lifted my arm carefully. Paige didn't stir and I let out a relieved sigh, I shuffled slowly further over to my side of the bed until I was a safe distance away.
I was still for the next ten minutes listening to Paige's breathing until eventually it changed and she moved positions as she turned to sit up her eyes meeting mine as she smiled with a small yawn.
"Morning" she said and I noticed how her voice was huskier than normal as it was full of sleep.
"Did you sleep ok?" She asked as she rubbed her eyes. "No more nightmares?" Her face was cautious and concerned until I nodded with a smile and she relaxed a little.
"I slept great" I didn't add that the reason I slept so well was that I had Paige holding me tight. I had a feeling we weren't going to talk about that.
I got out of bed and pulled the curtains open, it was raining but I didn't let that ruin my mood. I wasn't in the mood for swimming today but I was sure I could find something to do, we had a lot of junk food in the house and it had movie day written all over it.
I really wanted to have a shower and try and regain some control over my hair that was sticking out all over the place, but I also wanted to be a good host to Paige.
"Do you want some breakfast? We have cereal, or toast or I could make pancakes, or eggs… or I think we might have some bacon in, I mean I don't really know what you like?" I stopped speaking as Paige smiled at me.
"Em, cereal is fine." She was still smiling as I felt myself blush.
"Perfect" I replied. "I'm really good at making cereal" my joke caused her to laugh and I felt my heart do a little flutter again. Seriously, this was happening a lot and it wasn't good.
An hour later we had both eaten breakfast and showered and were sat in my kitchen. My mom was out and my dad had just started another month away so the house was empty apart from us.
I didn't want Paige to go home and I was just about to ask her if she wanted to watch a movie when the doorbell rang. I raised my eyebrows thoughtfully; I wasn't expecting anyone.
I pulled back the door and was greeted by Aria's small frame; she was dressed in another one of her weird outfits I loved so much with a big shell necklace finishing the look off. The sort of thing only Aria could pull off.
"Aria, hey!" I greeted and she smiled widely at me.
"Hey Em. I was wondering if you were busy? Hanna fancied going to the mall and I thought I'd stop by and see if you fancied it too"
I smiled back but glanced into the kitchen where I knew Paige would be.
"I actually have company, Paige is here… well she stayed last night 'cos we went to this party and…" I was rambling. "One second come in" I added and Aria followed me into the house and into the kitchen.
Paige did a little wave to Aria as she entered the kitchen as she mouthed the word 'Hey' with a smile. Aria did the same and then the room was silent again.
I didn't want the silence to become awkward so I started speaking quickly.
"Paige, do you fancy coming shopping?" I hadn't asked Aria if it was okay for me to invite Paige but I didn't think she would mind, also I couldn't exactly not invite her.
"Oh actually I probably should get going soon, I promised I would help my mom today with this bake sale she has at church." She smiled at her own words. "Wow, I just realised how boring my life is" she joked and both me and Aria laughed.
I couldn't help but be a bit disappointed I wouldn't be able to spend the day with her some more.
"Could be worse, at least you might get to eat some cookie dough" Aria offered and Paige smiled at her words.
"True" she nodded laughing. "Any way, I will leave you two in the safe hands of the mall" she joked as she stood up from the chair and reached for her overnight bag that was resting against the wall.
"Thanks for letting me stay Emily"
"Do you need a ride home?" I had walked to follow her towards the door.
"No honestly it's fine, I could use a walk after that MASSIVE bowl of cereal you gave me" She winked at me and I felt the flutter inside me again.
"Are you sure, I don't mind at all" I tried again; I sort of wished she would say yes so she didn't have to go so soon.
"Em!" she said rolling her eyes with a smile. "I promise, I'm fine it's not far. I'll see you soon" She smiled at me again before she turned and leaned around the corner to wave at Aria again.
"Nice to see you" She said to her and Aria copied her goodbye with a wave of her own.
She opened the front door and with one final wide grin in my direction it was shut behind her.
I made my way back into the kitchen and Aria was typing something onto her phone with a smile. I guess it was Ezra.
"So you ready to go now?" I asked her pulling her attention away from the device in her hand.
"Sure" she said. She looked at me with a small smile before she spoke again. "So you're pretty close with Paige now then?" I nodded at her question.
"I guess, we've just been hanging out a lot 'cos of swimming that's all." I could feel a blush creeping its way onto my cheeks so I turned and busied myself with tidying away the breakfast dishes so Aria wouldn't see.
"It's nice… I mean that you've got a good friend on the team and everything" I nodded again before I dumped the dishes in the sink. They could wait until later to be washed.
"Shall we get going?"
Aria grabbed her purse from the table and we headed out, the blush finally leaving my face.
Do you want to come over tomorrow? The message popped up on my computer screen and I smiled as I saw the little picture of Paige next to it. It was late but we were both still awake, I knew she was a late night person like me.
It depends, you're not going to ask to hang out and then have me sit and watch you do your homework again are you? ;) I laughed as I remembered how Paige's idea of fun had been having me help her with homework.
Hey that was once! And you're good at Math, I needed your help! I promise we'll do something fun :D I didn't know what she had in mind but I guessed she would leave it up to me to decide like always. I would pick tomorrow.
Sounds great :D Text me in the morning when you want me to come over
Will do, I need sleep, but I'll see you tomorrow. Night Em xxxx
Good night :D xxxx
I turned my laptop off and got into bed. I smiled when I thought about seeing Paige tomorrow, even though I saw her at school and swim practice seeing Paige out of school was completely different. She was always more relaxed when she wasn't worrying about work or improving her times in the pool. I loved the days we would spent together just the two of us, I even loved watching Paige do her homework even if I would never admit it; she just looked so damn cute when she was concentrating. I rolled my eyes before I turned off the bedside lamp and shut my eyes tightly. Why did Paige have to make the simplest things look endearing, like holding a pencil between her teeth. It really wasn't helping me keep my mind clear… or my heart for that matter. Paige McCullers was not easy to be 'just friends' with. I needed to remind myself of the reason why being just friends was the best option for both of us right now.
I opened my eyes and glanced over at the picture of me and Maya I knew was on my desk, even though I couldn't see it clearly in the dark of my room I knew what it looked like perfectly; I had spent enough time staring at it the past few months. It wasn't that what had happened to Maya still hurt me like it used to, it was just that this picture was a constant reminder to me of every way you could get hurt and how badly things could go wrong.
I felt like I had finally stopped hurting and had begun to feel normal again. I was finally happy for the first time in a long time, since Ali, since Maya… everything now was simple and it felt nice. It felt nice to enjoy Paige's company and get to know her without being so vulnerable to being hurt again. Right now I wanted to keep my heart safe. I didn't want Paige to be hurt either, the girl was one of the best people I had ever met and she deserved more than someone like me who was too scared to give her everything, too scared and confused to be what she wanted. She deserved someone to worry about her feelings. So Paige and I could only ever be friends, however cute she looked with a pencil between her teeth.
I closed my eyes again forcing myself to sleep and forget about Paige for the moment, I knew I'd be seeing her in my dreams though however hard I tried to not think about her. I was happy that the nightmares had stopped now but in their place were dreams of Paige; the sort of dreams that made it hard for me to look her in the eye the next day.
I felt her toned body pressed against mine as she kissed me passionately, my hands were wrapped up in her hair as I felt her press harder against me.
"Paige" I let a moan escape my mouth as she moved her lips to my neck
The sound of my phone ringing tore me away from my dream brutally; it was too early for this I thought with a grumble. I looked at the caller ID and saw Spencer's name flashing on the screen.
"Spence! It's seven in the morning… on a Saturday!" I grunted, my voice full of sleep still.
Spencer didn't seem to care about my negative tone and just laughed in excitement. "Then time to wake up sleepy head! We have planned a surprise day out!" she said eagerly.
My head was still foggy with sleep and I had to take a moment to respond. "Sorry what? Who's 'We'?" I asked.
"Me and the Queen of England" Spencer replied sarcastically gaining an eye roll from me even though she couldn't see it.
"Me, Aria and Hanna! We thought about what we could do that's a bit different, a bit exciting…" she was still speaking with the excited tone. "we know you're still feeling a little stressed about… everything…" she spoke the code word for Maya, but in truth I wasn't in too bad shape these days, not since Paige anyway. But I hadn't exactly told my friends this so I let Spencer continue speaking. "So we thought it would be fun if we went…" She paused dramatically. "PAINTBALLING!" she almost cheered waiting eagerly for me to do the same.
"Paintballing?" My tone was surprised, I had never been paintballing and I didn't really know a lot about it.
"Yes Em, Paintballing! You get to run around like a crazy person shooting people, and then in the end the only harm done is a bit of paint in your hair. Sounds like the perfect stress reliever right?" I could see where she was coming from; it did sound like fun.
"Yeah, that actually sounds really great!" I admitted, my tone now closer to Spencer's.
"Great!" She replied. "Well Hanna invited Caleb and Lucas and Toby said he wants to come too so we should have enough to make it fun"
"Great!" I answered as I suddenly remembered my plans with Paige and I paused for a moment to think. I knew that Spencer hadn't exactly been Paige's biggest fan since everything that happened so long ago but surely she would be over that by now right? Spencer knew that I was close to Paige now and surely inviting her along would be no trouble, I knew I couldn't cancel on Paige… I didn't want to cancel on Paige. Paintballing with all my best friends together would be fun.
"I just remembered I made plans with Paige today, would it be cool if I brought her along?"
"Totally! Then we will have an even number! Oh my God we need to decide on teams!" Spencer squealed, something that Spencer Hastings never does, she must be really excited about paintballing.
I laughed. "Great, I'll see you guys later! I can pick you all up if you want?" I suggested.
"Great, Ten O clock Fields! Don't be late!" Spencer laughed down the phone as I hung up with a smile.
"I pick Spencer" Hanna shouted before anyone could say anything. All Spencer had done was say 'let's pair up and have 4 teams of two' and Hanna had ran straight towards Spencer.
Spencer smiled, obviously smug at getting picked first as she stood arrogantly with her hands on her hips.
Caleb pouted as he watched Hanna stand contently next to the other girl. "Thanks Han" he joked.
"Caleb, I love you… but Spencer is a GOD at these sorts of things" We all laughed as Spencer tried to hide the satisfied look on her face.
"Fine. I'll go with Toby, sure we can handle two girls" He joked again earning a pout from Hanna this time and a glare from Spencer.
Aria looked between Paige and I who were still laughing at Spencer's glare. "Em, Paige, are you two on the same team?"
I could see Paige was trying to stop her laugh at Aria's choice of words but it came out anyway in a small chuckle. I caught Paige's eye for a moment and fought back laughter myself.
"Yeah, is that okay?" I asked and Aria nodded with a smile before she turned to Lucas with an expectant grin.
"I'll protect you til the end, scouts honour" Lucas joked as he saluted with his hand causing a laugh from Aria.
Paige turned to face me as everyone else went to grab their overalls and paintball guns. "I think we have a pretty good chance of winning, if we can just find a way to catch Spencer off guard I'm sure we could take her, as for the others I have no doubt we could take them we just need a strategy." She was whispering as she glanced around suspiciously at the others despite the fact they were well out of ear-shot.
"Okay we need to stay together and find somewhere where we can take cover but still shoot…Maybe somewhere high up." Paige continued rambling as I looked at her with an amused expression.
"What?" Paige asked, finally noticing my expression. I laughed.
"You're even more competitive than Spencer, I didn't even think that was possible. A strategy, really?" Paige's face twisted in protest which just caused me to laugh more.
"I am not that competitive!" Paige pouted and I just looked at her with an eyebrow raised, she was definitely competitive. "Sorry that I like to win okay, is that such a crime?" she was smiling now too, my expression must have been weakening her resolve.
"No" I admitted. "You're competitive, I think it's cute" I admitted without thinking.
"Cute?" It was Paige's turn to raise an eyebrow now. I blushed slightly but I guessed it was hardly noticeable to Paige with my dark complexion, I tripped on my words as I tried to respond.
"Yeah, you know… just… it's just funny, and erm… cute." I was thankful when Paige laughed again and headed off towards the big pile of overalls the others were all crowded around only turning around when I didn't follow her straight away.
"Emily, are you coming? We still need to work on that strategy!"
"Yes maam!" I joked as I made my way towards Paige and the pile of overalls.
The game had been going on for the past hour and I had finally realised that Paige had been right; we really did need a strategy. This game was brutal. I hadn't realised before how much being hit by a paintball could hurt and it seemed like they could come from every direction… but especially Spencer's. There were random huts and raised towers dotted around the course but Paige and I had managed to find a small hut tucked away behind a tree. It wasn't in a very good position for attacking any other teams but right now all I wanted was a rest from being bombarded with the small bullets of doom.
I pulled Paige in by the hand and shut the door quickly which caused her to groan behind me.
"Em, we aren't going to win hiding in her" Paige was breathing fast and she seemed pumped up on adrenaline; she was in her element here and I could tell how much she wanted to win.
"Okay just five minutes, I'm not as good at this as you are I need a break" I begged and she gave in quickly.
I laughed when I looked at Paige closer; the girl had a large smudge of mud on her right cheek which must have got there when she was doing one of her army rolls.
"You even managed to get mud on your face, action man" I said with a light laugh. Her hand shot up to her face and she rubbed at it but completely missed the mud.
"I prefer 'Combat Barbie'" she joked still rubbing the wrong cheek.
"Well Combat Barbie" I said with a grin "You're completely missing the mud, it's the other cheek"
She tried again but she still didn't get it right, I rolled my eyes comically taking a step forward and moving my hand towards her face. "Here" I said as I wiped the mud with my thumb.
I had moved without thinking and I suddenly noticed how close I was now stood to the other girl. The shed we were hiding in wasn't very bright with only the sunlight seeping through the gaps in the wood panels lighting the space; however I was now close enough to see every freckle on Paige's nose. The shed suddenly seemed very small.
Paige's face had changed as soon as my hand had made contact with her skin. Her lips had parted slightly and her eyes had become a little glazed over, I felt my face was holding a similar expression as I tried not to let the effect the feeling of Paige's warm skin had on me show but I couldn't help it. I cursed myself for looking like such a dork at a simple touch.
I was aware that my hand was still resting slightly on Paige's cheek but I couldn't seem to move it. I should really move it. My thumb was still touching the soft skin of her face and I was aware that it was only inches away from her lips. Just a slight movement and I could run it over her full pink lips; lips that were parted slightly so adorably.
I was staring now. I needed to stop staring.
Paige seemed to be holding her breath as my hand lingered just a little too long on her face. I was staring unblinking at her lips.
I knew that if I just leaned forward slightly I could capture Paige's lips in my own, just this thought made me kick myself internally. You don't kiss your friends.
I forced my eyes away from Paige's lips and met her eyes, melting into light brown orbs. I shouldn't be this close to Paige but I couldn't move myself away. I wanted to kiss her.
The feeling came from somewhere within me but it overtook my body and made me act without any self-control. I tilted my head slowly and inched closer and Paige didn't protest, in fact her eyes fluttered closed at the last second. I was almost close enough to feel Paige's soft lips on my own again –
"What the fuck!" Paige jolted sideways and stumbled away from me. "Owww" she cried out holding her head with her hand. I was confused.
Paige dropped her hand and I saw bright yellow paint in her hair, she had been hit.
"Little bastards" Paige cursed in a mumble.
We both looked in the direction it must have come from and saw a wide gap in the wood panelling. I moved forward to look through the hole cautiously, it didn't seem like anyone was there but as I looked further out I saw Spencer chasing what I assumed was Aria, from the dramatically oversized overalls, they had just come from the direction of the shed. It must have been a stray paint bullet from Spencer. I don't think they knew we were in here.
I looked back at Paige with a sympathetic smile. "I think it was Spencer, are you okay?" I looked concerned as she rubbed her head again.
Paige just laughed "I'll survive, Combat Barbie is tough" she winked.
There was silence after a few seconds as we both thought about what just happened, what nearly happened.
Paige looked like she wanted to say something to me but I spoke before she could say anything.
"I'm sorry" I began, stuttering a little on my words. I knew I shouldn't have done that, it wasn't fair to try and kiss Paige when I had told her I only wanted to be friends.
Paige's face fell a little and she stood with her hands at her sides awkwardly. "No, it's fine you don't have to apologise…I" she stopped speaking as if she didn't really know what she wanted to say. She cleared her throat and made a joke, humour, I was starting to see Paige did this a lot in situations like this.
"Saved by the paint ball I guess" she laughed lightly earning a small smile from me, I didn't feel like I really meant it though.
I was stood staring at Paige and I felt conflicted, part of me knew it was wrong of me to mess Paige around like I was, pushing her away one minute and trying to kiss her another. But I couldn't help being drawn back to the girl every time we were together. Today Paige looked amazing, even though she was just wearing paint covered overalls and her hair was tied back messily, she looked stunning. She was gorgeous in the most casual way and it made me get butterflies in my stomach. I knew I might be trying to make the whole 'just friends' thing believable to myself but there was no point denying that Paige was hot. I wasn't stupid enough to think it was okay to find your friend this hot.
I didn't know what I wanted to say to Paige, I felt bad apologising all the time or lying about how I felt but I would feel equally as bad letting her know what I was really thinking when I didn't even know what I wanted from her, from us. I was scared. But I had to say something.
Just as I was about to speak there was a loud bang and the door of the shed opened ferociously. Aria came crashing into the tiny space that we occupied breathing heavily with a terrified expression.
"Oh my god" she squealed in a very high pitched tone as she realised the shed was occupied. She flung her paint ball gun down on the floor and brought her hands up in front of her, palms facing out.
"Please don't shoot me, I surrender" she begged and both Paige and I laughed. Aria obviously hadn't realised neither of us had our guns in our hands.
"Aria, relax. We won't shoot" I said with a smile.
After another worried look Aria looked like she decided to trust us and lowered her hands, moving further into the shed turning to face the door defensively.
"I HATE this game" she spat out "and I HATE Spencer Hastings" she added with a scowl.
Paige looked at me and we both laughed silently, Aria looked hilarious in her overalls and it was obvious that Spencer had been targeting her all day.
"Anyway what are you two doing in here? Hiding? I don't blame you with Hastin-ator on the loose." she was still facing the door so didn't see the blush form on both mine and Paige's cheeks.
"Yeah, just hiding out waiting for the best time to strike" Paige answered, avoiding the fact that we had just been stood in awkwardness after a near kiss, Aria didn't need to know that.
I nodded in agreement. "Quite neat in here isn't it"
"I'll say!" Aria agreed "I might just stay in here forever" she laughed.
Paige shook her head. "No no no! I think it's about time we got Spencer back, don't you?" Her question was directed at Aria but she looked at me as she spoke, I watched the way her hair was moving in the light breeze coming through the cracks in the shed.
I noticed how her gaze was lingering on me and felt my mouth go dry, Paige staring at me like that made me feel dizzy; like the world was spinning.
"Yes!" Aria agreed enthusiastically. "Three against one she won't stand a chance" we all nodded and picked up our guns.
"Go on then…" Paige said to Aria as she pointed towards the door. Aria looked back sheepishly. "Will one of you go first?" she asked.
I laughed at Aria's nerves. "Combat Barbie will go first" I teased, aware that Aria might not get the personal joke so I locked eyes with Paige again. I felt my heart skip a beat at the look Paige was giving me, I guessed she wasn't even aware of the effect it could have on me.
"My pleasure" Paige spoke before she put her gun up to her shoulder and pushed the door open.
"Spencer is going down!" she smiled as me and Aria followed her.
"Girls. You need to learn the first rule of paintballing. Never underestimate Spencer Hastings" Spencer was striding smugly in front of Aria, Paige and I with her gun flung over her shoulder. The three of us were walking along looking defeated covered head to toe in bright yellow splodges. Spencer was GOOD at paintballing.
Paige turned to me with her eyes wide. "Your friends scare me" she said as she opened her eyes wider for comic effect. Aria made a small sound in protest at this.
"Hey! We're not all like Spencer okay! Some of us are actually human" she joked causing all of us to laugh until we reached the small changing rooms of the complex.
Hanna and Caleb were stood laughing at the state of Lucas, he matched me, Aria and Paige perfectly and it was obvious Spencer had gotten the better of him too.
Spencer was stood chatting to Toby now, who unsurprisingly seemed pretty clean. She had obviously had mercy on him.
After we had left our overalls in the cart outside we headed into the lockers to retrieve our things.
I watched out of the corner of my eye as Paige pulled a blue hoodie over her head, not bothering with the paint in her hair as it was already drying. As she lifted her arms up her tank top slid up and revealed her toned stomach beneath. I had to stop staring, but that stomach was incredible.
"Em, are you going to shower here or just wait 'til you get home. The showers do look pretty disgusting" Hanna's voice pulled my attention away and brought me back to reality.
"Ermm" I had to concentrate on the girl's question. Hanna waited expectantly; she was obviously torn as I knew Hanna hated nothing more than being messy, well nothing except unhygienic showers.
"Home" I said to Hanna, earning a thoughtful nod, she ran back to Caleb, obviously with her answer.
The car ride home was pretty quiet, it was just me, Paige and Aria this time as Hanna had gone back in Lucas' car and Spencer and Toby had gone on Toby's motorbike. Aria sat in the front and Paige in the back, I couldn't help but keep glancing in the rear view mirror every now and then to catch a glimpse of Paige. I tried to do it sneakily and I didn't think Paige had noticed.
Paige had her eyes fixed on the view out of the window anyway.
We were five minutes away from town now and I couldn't help resent the fact that Paige's house was the first stop on the way back. I really wanted an excuse to be alone with her again so I could explain what had happened earlier. However I knew if I dropped Aria off first it would look ridiculous as I would have to literally drive past Paige's house to get to Aria's. I laughed at myself, why was I being so pathetic; I could just ask Paige to come over for a bit or something. I thought it through for a moment and realised it might not be the best idea if I was trying to keep my signals clear. I had no idea what signals I was trying to give, but inviting her back to my house, having her in my room again… on my bed. No, that was definitely not a good idea.
"Emily" Aria began speaking quietly. "Would you mind dropping me off at…" her eyes darted quickly to Paige before she continued "Ezra's?" she added, saying Ezra quietly, obviously still cautious about the fact that not everyone knew about their relationship. I knew Paige wouldn't care, and even if she did she would never tell anyone.
"Sure!" I said enthusiastically, I was happy as this now meant that Aria would be getting out of the car before Paige, I would get some alone time with her after all.
"Thanks" Aria said as we pulled up in front of the apartment block a few minutes later.
"I had fun today, thanks for organising it with the girls" I said to Aria before she leaned forward to hug me. "No problem Em" Aria said with a laugh "If you had fun I guess the bruises are worth it" she laughed before pulling away from the hug.
"Nice to see you again Paige, thanks for trying to take down Spencer with me" the small girl said to Paige.
"Anytime!" she laughed back. "Nice to see you too" she waved as Aria left the car and headed into the apartment block.
"So she really is screwing Fitz" Paige smirked "I thought it was just a rumour"
I scowled at her through the rear view mirror at her crude analysis of their relationship.
"Sorry" Paige began with a sheepish but mischievous smile, one that caused me to smile too.
"Get in the front" I said, it wasn't really a question. "I feel like a cab driver riding around with people in the back seat" I laughed as Paige came round to the front.
As we drove along my plan to discuss what happened earlier with Paige fell apart, I didn't know what to say. Every time I thought about supporting my decision to just be Paige's friend I seemed to run out of reasons why it was the best idea. All I could think about was the fact I wanted her so bad. Instead our conversation was light hearted as we both avoided the subject.
"Your friends are great Em" She said with a smile. I loved it when Paige called me Em, it wasn't like it was unique as a lot of my friends and Family called me by that nickname but it just sounded nice in Paige's husky voice.
"I'm glad you like them" I replied. "I had a really nice time today"
We both smiled widely at each other for a second before I had to put my eyes back on the road.
The radio was on quietly in the car and the song changed during the silence, Pink started playing and both of us grinned at the memory of the song.
I guess I just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna drink his money
I'm not gonna pay his rent
My hand pushed at the volume button and put the sound up louder. The night me and Paige sang Karaoke to this had been one of the only nights in my life I had felt completely free and at ease. I would never be able to thank Paige enough for that night.
The song reached the chorus and we both looked at each other as if we were assessing whether the other one was about to sing.
"So, So what? I'm still a rock star, I got my rock moves!" We both sand at the top of our voices, I was thankful that no one in the street or passing cars could hear our out of tune singing. But In the car with just the two of us, it didn't matter.
The song ended just as the car pulled up outside Paige's driveway. Paige looked at her house with a sigh, I felt like sighing too, I was sad the day was over.
I was too sad.
The feeling I felt in my chest wasn't normal to feel for just a friend. I knew I had to say something, anything to let her know how I felt about her. Even if I just told her the truth and that I was scared but that I wanted… needed… her so much. My heart was beating fast and I suddenly felt nervous, however I knew I just had to come out and say it to her.
"Paige" I began speaking into the silent car just as the loud message tone of her phone beeped.
Sorry she said as she fumbled with it in her pocket, "I forgot I put it on loud before" she must have turned it down as when it beeped again this time it was quieter.
"Sorry" She rolled her eyes at her phone. "What were you saying Em?"
The sound of her phone had caused me to lose the sudden burst of courage I had felt moments before and I needed a second to get back there. She still hadn't read the message and I knew it would gain me a few seconds.
"It's okay you can reply to that first" I said with a smile, happy to take the time to plan how I was going to word this.
"No seriously, it's not important" she said waving it off but I just nodded at her again showing her I didn't care.
She looked confused as she looked at her phone and she didn't reply. "What?" I asked trying to decipher her expression.
"Nothing" she said but I asked again. "It's that girl Sara, you know from Ashley's party. I don't know how she got my number though, I never text her" Paige played with her phone in her hands and my stomach dropped.
"Oh" I said not finding any other words easily. "What… what did she say?"
Paige shrugged her shoulders before replying. "She just asked me for coffee" she said casually before she put her phone back in her pocket. She still hadn't replied.
"Anyway, what were you going to say Em?" Paige's eyes were focused on mine intently and I was very aware of the seconds that were passing without me speaking.
I don't know why but the sudden knowledge that this girl wanted to go for coffee with Paige had stopped the courage I had. I felt conflicted. I knew if I told Paige what I was feeling it would complicate things, I knew it might make things different but I didn't know how. I also knew that Paige deserved to be happy, and maybe she could be with this girl.
I felt a little sick and my head was confused, I really didn't know what to say now.
"I just wanted to say…" I began. "I'm sorry about what happened in the shed. I shouldn't have done that, it's not fair to give you all these mixed signals… I guess I just got caught up in the moment" I knew my words were only half true, I did get caught up in the moment but it didn't make it any less meaningful, I had wanted to kiss her. I still wanted to kiss her. But my words came out before I had chance to stop them and now it was too late to change them.
I felt my heart tighten a bit at the look of disappointment I thought I saw creep onto Paige's face for a moment, maybe she did feel the exact same way I did… but it was gone so quickly I couldn't be sure.
Paige's eyes were avoiding my gaze as she looked down at her hands. "Em, you don't have to explain. I understand, we're still just friends… right?" There she goes again; 'Em'. I couldn't help the butterflies I got in my stomach at this. I should have just had the courage to say no, I didn't want to just be her friend. Not even a little bit but I couldn't do it, the words wouldn't seem to form in my mouth. My heart wasn't ready to be so vulnerable again, so I couldn't act on my feelings… I just couldn't.
"Just friends" I confirmed the words Paige had said but they felt cold and heavy in my mouth and I felt like I was betraying myself. Why couldn't I be brave? If the words had the same effect on Paige as they did on me she didn't let it show. She smiled a small smile and nodded before she spoke again.
"I'll see you at school then?" She asked as she pushed her hair behind her ear, finally meeting my gaze again.
I wanted to see Paige tonight, I wanted to see her tomorrow, I didn't want to have to wait all the way until Monday to have her calming but exhilarating presence in my life. Paige made me feel like everything was going to be okay, she made me see the good in things and most of all she made me feel safe, I would have her with me at all times if I could; But it wasn't fair to ask anymore of Paige when I didn't have the courage to give her anything in return. Not yet anyway.
"Yeah see you at school" I spoke back stopping my voice from cracking at the last second.
Paige nodded and opened the door to the car hesitantly.
I watched Paige leaving and I wanted to reach out and hold the girl in my arms or at least touch her hand, but I didn't. I let her leave and the door banged closed before Paige turned to wave. I pressed the window down and called Paige's name as she began to walk towards her house.
"Thanks" I said with a smile when she had turned back to me.
"What for?" She asked her voice quiet.
"For coming today, for being a good friend… for being you" I watched as Paige's soft smile reached her eyes.
"You're welcome" was all that she said before she turned and headed back to her house.
Paige's POV
"You're welcome" Was all I could manage before I had to turn and head to my house.
I heard Emily's car pull away just as I got my key in the lock, my eyes were already hazy with tears as I stepped into the house. As I reached the first step of the stairs the first tears had started making streaks down my cheeks. I headed for the shower, to clean the paint off, to escape my parents… but most of all to cry because of what I had to learn to live with.
Being just friends with Emily would never be enough for me.
I padded up the stairs and flung the door of my bedroom open a little too fiercely letting it swing violently in its hinges. I hated feeling like this.
I grabbed the towel that was hung on the back of my door and headed for the shower, maybe I would find some peace in there.
The warm water did nothing but agitate me further and I had to turn the water down cold to shock my body into any different response. The cold water took my breath away and I almost choked on a hidden sob that had been working its way up my throat.
I clenched my hands into fists. I really didn't want to break down like this; I really wanted to be strong and not get my head lost in Emily Fields.
I let out a deep breath. Emily Fields.
I hoped she hadn't seen me staring at her like my eyes were going to pop out of my head in her car but I couldn't help but admire her perfect features. She really was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, I had to gulp hard when I had seen her tongue dart out and lick her lips quickly. She was so hot.
Shit Paige I cursed myself internally. Emily saw me as a friend and I had to accept that.
I'd had feelings for her for so long now though that I had begun to forget how not to like this. I would be lying if I said I was telling the truth the day of the dance when I said I wanted to be friends with Emily, right then I hadn't wanted anything less. I had seen her at the dance and my heart had literally stopped dead in my chest and I had to pluck up all the courage inside of me just to talk to her.
But the day I walked in on her crying at the pool everything had changed. When I had seen the broken and vulnerable girl with puffy red eyes something had changed inside of me and all I wanted to do was take her pain away. I had promised myself that day that if that meant being her friend then I would do it. I would put my feelings aside and help her in any way I could.
Since then I really had been confused. Part of me had grown different feelings I hadn't had for her before when I got to know her more. Feelings of friendship. Now I craved her company to talk about my day or laugh with her at stupid quotes from movies, normal things that friends did. But I also craved her company so I could see her do that little smile she does when I make a bad joke and the way her eyes sparkle when she is laughing. I craved the feeling of her brushing her arm against me accidentally as we were walking or especially the feeling of her pressed tight against me like the other night. I had seen a vulnerable side to her and it only made me love her more. Yes. I loved Emily Fields, that I was certain of.
I loved her as a friend, I loved her as something more; I just loved her.
But I couldn't think about that too much, I had to ignore it otherwise the disappointment would just be too much to cope with. I knew I had no reason to be disappointed though; I may have all these strong feelings for Emily but I knew to her we were just friends and I had chosen to accept that hadn't I?
My mind was flipping over and over as a little part of me was confused about what had happened today. Emily was about to kiss me, that was for sure. I just didn't know why, or what that meant. In the car I had hoped for a second when Emily had said my name that she was about to tell me something. But then I got a message. My stupid phone and that stupid girl with her stupid oversized nose and her stupid flirting. I didn't want anyone other than Emily.
When she had apologised I wanted to say that she didn't have to apologise for nearly kissing me, I wanted her to kiss me more than anything I had ever wanted in my life. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I was in too deep I couldn't see what was staring me blatantly in the face. I'd had my chance with Emily and she hadn't wanted it the same way I had. Now we were never going to happen and I should just accept this.
I turned the water off with a big sigh and got out into the cold bathroom, it felt fitting for my mood. Despite feeling emotionally drained from spending my whole day avoiding my feelings I couldn't deny I had a good day today. I had never felt part of a group of friends, and even though I wasn't exactly part of their group, it felt close. I normally had one friend in each class, or a friend from tennis club, and friend from debating society, a family friend… but never a group of friends. Not only this but I got to spend the whole day with Emily and I would be lying if I said I could think of anyone I would rather spend my time with, being with Emily was magical. Even if it was just as friends.
I went to my bedroom and didn't bother to dry my hair. It wasn't even late but I pulled my curtains shut and settled down into my bed, I wanted to sleep.
In my dreams things weren't so complicated, in my dreams Emily loved me just as much as I loved her.
I know that wasn't a lot in Paige's POV but it's where I wanted this chapter to end.
Pretty pretty PLEASE review... you know you want to :D