Chapter 3
I sat there, outside the door, for 3 hours listening to Seth tell her. Tell her about me, tell her about herself. Then tell her about us. He explained her life to her from the age of 16-18 in 3 hours, I wondered if she knew that it was her in the story, that it was us, that we were the Core Four. And in those 3 hours I realised something, those 2 years of her life that Seth had described, he was also describing 2 years of my life. Those 2 years I was around Marissa Cooper, she wasn't just a part of my life, she was my life. Apart or together, she was my life for 2 years. And I hated to admit it, but she was still my life a long time after that.
I don't know why I couldn't do it that day. Maybe it was just one day too many of her looking into my eyes without knowing anything; of seeing the lost expression on her face. It hurt; it ripped me up inside that she didn't remember it. The time I felt as the most important and best time in my life, mostly because of her. And she didn't remember it. It wasn't her fault I knew that, she wasn't herself right now.
I remember getting distracted in my thoughts, when it got to the point it hurt too much to think I tried to focus on what Seth was saying.
"So, that isn't the end of the whole thing, it's just the beginning. I've stopped now because that was sort of the end of the beginning, Mar..." I don't know what came over me, but when I heard him start saying her name I burst into the room.
"She isn't Marissa Cooper," the words just came out of my mouth; they all looked at me, confused looks on their faces. I saw Seth and Summer's expressions turn to ones of worry.
"She is, mate." Seth looked at me blankly when he said this.
"She...she...she...isn't," Seth was about to speak when Summer nudged him, a sign to shut up. "She isn't. Everything that makes Marissa who she is she can't remember. She isn't Marissa Cooper until we tell her the damn story again." She looked at me, she seemed sad. I saw guilt in her wonderfully wide green eyes, I felt bad. "Until then...until then...she's just a girl called Marissa." Until then she's not the person I love, I thought to myself.
And I knew then why I couldn't tell the story that day. A part of me didn't want her to remember, because whenever she did, the next morning she would wake up and have forgotten. And it broke my heart that every time she woke in the morning I knew what the first thing she would say to me was. Not I love you like in my dreams, not even hello, just who are you. I remember, after a few times of reciting the story, I realised something. How now 3 words in the morning could break my heart, but then at night 3 words repaired it. Even if just temporarily.
Summer got up and hugged me. She squeezed so tight I remember thinking she'd never let go. I didn't want her to; I felt safe, unbreakable, inside and out. But not as safe as I would have felt if it had been Marissa hugging me.
We sat down and we were all silent for a while. Then she spoke, softly, just the sound of her voice seemed to warm the room.
"Well, could you tell me? If it doesn't hurt too much, can you finish the story? So I get back to being Marissa Cooper." Those words, they were Marissa Cooper's words. And suddenly I felt like I'd been taken back to being 16 and her asking me about my life.
"Can you tell me, about your family, your life? Can you tell me about what makes you Ryan Atwood?"
And now she was asking me to tell her what made Marissa Cooper. I had never thought, not once, that that would happen.
I remembered all the times she had helped me. I knew I had to tell her. No matter how much it hurt me, because I couldn't bear that not telling her, not hurting me, would hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. Never. And I was hurting anyway, I'd always be hurting. What difference did telling her make?
I took her hand. I wondered if she knew who Emily was, if she knew who anyone in the story was.
"Did Seth get up to Greece?" I asked.
"Yes, James and Emily were in the car, on the way to the airport." She was so gentle with her words; she seemed cautious, afraid that at anytime something she said would hurt me.
Before I began I took my eyes of hers and glanced at Seth and Summer. They gave me the 'We're right behind you' look, and I began finishing the story.