A/N: Hey hey :D I'm afraid I'm gonna have to change the rules now, because I'm confusing. I've received a couple of questions by e-mail, which got lost very quickly in my inbox (I have 1034 unread emails at this point in time, and that number doesn't look to be going down any.) so I'm going to ask... If you have a question for these boys, PLEASE send it in a review only (hereby contradicting my statement in chapter one) because it's very likely I'm going to miss any by e-mail (I usually only check the reviews page when writing.) If you e-mail a question, there is no guarantee that it'll make it into a story. Thank you!
Warning: More slash and sex jokes :D
Disclaimer: Everything that the light touches... belongs to James Patterson, not me.
Fang's Fun Friendly Help Column
By now, when Fang awoke strapped to a thankfully solid and nonsquishy chair, it was no surprise. He opened his eyes, wondering why it was so cold this time, and where Iggy was being held. Speaking of cold...
Fang looked down at himself, and yelped, his voice leaping up several octaves. Today, Fang was clad only in shiny leather underpants, much to his own personal horror.
"WHY?" He yelled, looking around for Tomo now. His eyes found her sitting relaxedly on another high chair, smiling a devilish smile.
"Ah, so you're finally awake." She got up, revealing the chair to be a pair of pale knees. Oh... there Iggy was. "Well, I came to say goodbye. I have things to do today, and I'm afraid you two are just going to have to run things yourselves." She smiled. "You know what to do."
"And what if I don't?" Fang snarled, glaring at the smiling girl with intense malice in his eyes.
"Then it's hot surprise buttsex time! Don't forget I still control everything." She gave him an angry, warning glare, and walked out, a cheerful smile on her hated face.
"Damn... bloody... wench..." Fang muttered, wrenching and twisting, attempting to get rid of the bonds. Eventually he sighed, wondering why the handcuffs around his legs felt so soft. He looked down, and blinked. The normal metal cuffs had been replaced by pink fuzzy ones, with a note attached from Tomo, presumably to go back with the cuffs.
freexflyer
Thanks so much for the cuffs! They're all soft and lovely, I have to get some of these for myself! Maybe with a leopard pattern... ooo that'd be fun! Anyhow, I think Fangypoo and Iggy pie will really enjoy these. And Fang definitely does want some Iggy pie, he just doesn't know it. Future events are sure to make things a lot more interesting... Bwahahahahaha!
Tomo
Fang blinked at this, frowning. What was that all about? Iggy... pie? What? He looked up, eyes flicking to Iggy, who was now squirming too.
"Fang, are you there?" Iggy called, eyes looking around blindly.
"Yeah." Fang sighed, looking at the computer screen he had come to dread now. "It's this again."
"Bloody brilliant." Iggy sighed. "Will you just get on with it so we can go back to normal?"
"Fine." Fang sighed, reading the first message.
Fang
Isn't the name Sanjana-nana just so sexy? Does it turn you on?
Jess :)
Fang groaned at this, wondering vaguely what these people were on, and where he could get some.
Jess
I'm afraid I don't find much attractive about names. Even if I did however, I can assure you that Sanjana-nana would be to me the verbal equiviliant of a hairy 300 pound man in a Sailor Moon costume.
Fang.
Fang,
if you won't admit that you love fucking iggy, atleast admit you love fucking max. YOUR BI! I KNEW IT!
sunybee
sunybee
As it so happens, I'm not up for fucking anyone right now. And my sexuality is none of anyone's business but my own. Although I must admit, you are... never mind, forget it.
Fang.
Fang
You are what? Right on the money?
Tomo
Tomo
Fuck off
Fang
The next question was along a similar line as the one before it, and made Fang groan again.
Fang
How about Max?
Sweetz
Sweetz
What about her?
Fang
Dear Fang,
If I were you I would watch my back. And Max's. It seems one of my friends has taken a liking to you and she's very... creative in ways to get what she wants. Also, If you don't want Iggy's arse you're insane! I mean have you looked at it recently! Tomo if he hasn't looked at Iggy's arse in a while will you make him? Thanks.
danceswithwings119
Fang frowned. This danceswithwings119 had been sending in a lot of questions. Suspicious.
danceswithwings119
I'll keep your advice in mind, and pass it on to Max. And I suppose I must be insane, because I see nothing desirable in the rear bumper of one of my MALE best friends.
Fang.
Fang blinked at a strong jerking sensation in his back, and realised with a jolt that the straps securing him to the chair were gone, and he was standing! He was free! Fang went to make for the exit, but nothing other than a violent twitch occurred. Instead, he walked almost robotically to Iggy's chair, which was now apparently see through. He dropped to his knees, sensing what was coming, and hating it. Nonetheless, his body crouched down, eyes latched to Iggy's behind. As Fang stared helplessly he realised that Iggy did in fact have a fantastic arse; just the perfect shape and size. And it looked good in shiny leather panties.
Her mission accomplished, Tomo used her powers to return Fang, in the blink of an eye, to the holding pen that was his chair, the next message open in front of him.
Dear Fangy,
would you rather iggy on top or bottom?
forbala
Fang gritted his teeth, forcing his hands to behave. This was beyond humiliating.
forbala
I'd rather Iggy were far, far away actually. I'm not even going to go near the sexual connotations of that question. I'd rather stay somewhat sane.
Fang
Fang
OMG! YOU ARE SO HOT AND YOU SHOULD JUST HAVE A THREESOME WITH ME AND IGGY! GOSH JUST DO HIM ALREADY! I WILL WAIT FOR YOU MY LOVE!
Missy plus Fang equals hot,sexylove!!!!
Missy
I'm not even going to respond. However, if you're ever looking for a good time, and are hot, hit me up.
Fang.
Dear Fang
I would recamend hiding a saw in your pants or something to cut away the ropes. And who would want to touch a dude with a saw in his pants? Someone could get cut! lol just and idea. Have fun with the saw
-Irish Ninja
Irish Ninja
Thank you for the surprisingly helpful advice. Tomo seems to have the ability to remove my pants (Not even going to think about that) but I will give it a try. Thanks again.
Fang
Dear Fang,
How long has it since you've had a bath and/or ejaculated?
-Ren and Lexi
Ren and Lexi
I had a bath this morning.
Fang
Fang
Did you ejaculate while in the bath?
Tomo
Tomo
I'm not going to answer, because I know you'll read far too much into it.
Fang
Fang
YAY! You DID! Hahahaha
Tomo
Fang hit his head lightly against the desk, before clicking on the next email.
Dear Fang,
Have you and Iggy ever done a 69? Oh, and I think you should both meet Jasper and Edward (they're from Twilight). They're trying to deny being gay too. YOU COULD ALL HAVE AN ORGY!
-Jasper's Fangirl
Jasper's Fangirl
I will say what I have said many more times than I would like; I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH IGGY! And no, no orgies. Sorry to disappoint.
Fang
The final ('Thank God!' Fang thought) email popped up on the screen, and Fang opened it with some trepidation.
Fang,
What's up with your emoliciousness? Why are you so emotastic?!
-Rose
p.s. You're in denial. You know you loooooove Iggy!
Rose
I am not emolicious, nor emotastic. I do have a diagonal fringe, and wear black clothes and eyeliner, and listen to My Chemical Romance, but that doesn't make me emo! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! I'm gonna go cry and write poetry about how everyone hates me!
Fang
P.S No I'm not. I never deny anything. I don't even know what denial means! AAAAA!
That done, Fang sighed with relief, feeling the constricting leather straps vanish, the furry pink handcuffs unclicking, and he stood up quickly, hearing Iggy do the same.
"Oh thank God!" Iggy smiled, walking over to Fang. "Say, why is it so cold?"
"Because you're wearing shiny leather panties." Fang sighed, looking away.
"Oh." Iggy blushed, attempting to cover himself. "So uh... how do we get outta here?"
TO BE CONTINUED!
Hahaha thanks for all the reviews guys! Some of the questions I got this week were absolutely great, they made me laugh so freaking hard! Hehe you guys rule! Seriously, if you all stopped reviewing, this story wouldn't happen. Thanks so much to everyone, you've all been amazing!
There might be a bit of a break before the next chapter, I have to get the storyline sorted in my head. Things have started for real now though, and it's only going to get more interesting from here. The Tomo character will be showing up a lot less, and some other characters are going to poke their heads in now. I'm not saying much for now, but if you give me a physical description of yourself along with a question, you WILL make an appearance. If you don't give a description, your question will still be featured, but you won't be there, of course. That's all the plot detail I can really give away at this stage, but here's a quick exert (subject to change) from the next chapter!
"Fang!" Iggy squeaked. "There's something touching my arm! What is it!"
"I don't know, the lights are out! Oh my god, there's something touching me too!"
There was a long pause, then Fang sighed. "Iggy, please let go of my arm."
"Sorry." Iggy blushed. "I got scared."
And some quick review responses!
kaylormonkey: DUH I used your question! It's the most hilarious thing I've ever seen! My friend agrees with me, we go around asking people if they want HSB now XD
freexflyer: Everyone wants Iggy pie. Thanks for the handcuffs!
Bellaness: Haha wow, thank you! I wish I was European lol... I wanna be French or German or something else with a sexy accent, but nope, I'm from Kiwi-a-gogo land indeed :)
The Pink Darkness; Thanks for the e-mail:)