"It's… contagious?"

"Yes, that is what the website says," said Hatori.

Poor Yuki's heart was beating so hard it was a miracle it didn't suddenly pop out of his chest and start dancing across the table. He opened his mouth to speak again, but this time all that came out was a strangled squeak that sounded oddly like a mouse being stepped on.

"Yuki, it is healthy to breathe every now and then," Shigure commented.

Yuki gasped several times, which caused him to come down with a violent coughing fit.

"So, Hatori, how exactly does this YF-what's-its'-face spread?" Shigure asked, patting Yuki on the back.

"Hmm…" Hatori muttered, quick eyes scanning the monitor as he scrolled across the website. "It appears that the only way it is guaranteed to spread is through kissing, which means that there is a very high chance that Kyo will come down with this illness very soon…"

Shigure giggled wildly, and Yuki's coughs became even more violent.

"Well, good!" Shigure said once he managed to stop chuckling, "That means that there's no way any of us could get it, right?"

"Eh… No."

Yuki squeaked again.

"No?"

"The virus has been known to affect people that have been anywhere within a fifty yard radius of an infected person," Hatori said. "However, this is completely random. Someone could spend all their time with a person affected with the YFGV and no become infected himself, while someone could pass by once and become infected instantly. There is also a variety in the time it takes for one to become infected. It can show up in half a minute, or it can take several days for symptoms to show."

Shigure gulped. "So for all we know every single one of us could be infected right now and not know it…"

"Correct."

Yuki's face was deathly white, and his entire frame was trembling.

"You seems rather unconcerned, Hari," Shigure noted.

Hatori shrugged. "I'm a doctor. I'm used to this sort of thing."

"And exactly how credible is this website?" Shigure asked, frowning at the monitor.

"It's perfectly legitimate."

"But how do you know?"

"I'm a doctor. I'm cool like that."

Shigure sighed in defeat.

"So unless there are any more questions, I'll be on my way," Hatori said.

"You're leaving?" Shigure asked.

"Obviously," Hatori said, "I'll go see if I can figure out if there's some kind of vaccine for this, because the website didn't mention any antidotes, and I'm sure neither of you would exactly appreciate having to deal with Haru like this for what could be an entire month."

"Ah, Hatori, you're wonderful!" Shigure cried.

"Of course I am," Hatori said, "I'll just drop by the living room to get a blood sample from Haru, and then I'll be going. You wouldn't happen to have any duct tape, would you?"

"Eh… why?"

"To strap him down. I'd rather not be molested by a horny teenage boy while trying to take a blood sample."

"Ah, of course!" Shigure said. "I think I actually have some in my office here… But it seems to have misplaced itself. You haven't seen it lately, have you, Yuki? Yuki? Yuki, are you all right?"

Hatori and Shigure turned to look at the rat, who was sweating profusely and turning an odd shade of blue.

"Yuuuuuuki, hello?" Shigure asked. "What's wrong?"

Yuki stammered something inaudible.

"What was that?"

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

Hatori and Shigure both jumped back in surprise at Yuki's sudden outburst, which resulted in both of them tripping over their own feet and crashing to the ground.

"Actually, Yuki," Shigure said once he clambered back to his feet. "We're not. So chillax, okay?"

"Chillax?" Hatori asked.

"Chillax, yo."

Hatori shook his head. "You're impossible."

"WE'REGOINGTODIEWE'REGOINGTODIEWE'REGOINGTODIEWE'REGO-"

"Hey, I found the duct tape!" Shigure exclaimed.

"Er… Why is it neon orange?" Hatori asked.

"Because I love orange!"

"WE'REGOINGTODIEHOLYFUCKINGSHITWE'REGOINGTO-"

Yuki was cut off suddenly when a strip of orange duct tape was plastered over his mouth.

"You know, Shigure," Hatori admitted. "Even though I'm often ashamed to know you, you really are quite brilliant at times."

"But of course!"

"Mmph!"

"No, Yuki, we're not going to take that off unless you promise to shut up."

Yuki glared at the dog and folded his arms angrily.

"Don't look at me like that," Shigure said. "We still need you to help us restrain Haru from raping us."

"And Kyo."

"Unless he already did," Shigure pointed out. "Actually, no, it would definitely be much louder if they were having sex right now, so my guess is Kyo is still a virgin. Unless he already lost it to Tohru!" He gasped. "Oh, my goodness, our poor innocent flower, surrounded by all these perverted men…"

Hatori and Yuki rolled their eyes and followed the still babbling dog out of the office.

The three of them entered the living room again, expecting the scene to be mostly similar to how they left it. However, what they saw caused Hatori's jaw to drop open from sheer disbelief, Shigure's eyes to widen in a mix of horror and delight, and Yuki to faint.

There, right smack dab in the middle of the room, were Haru and Kyo (Tohru had apparently fled the scene) locked in a passionate embrace. And Kyo was naked. And Haru's shirt was hanging on the ceiling fan. And they were on the coffee table.

"Well," Hatori managed to choke out. "I guess Kyo's been infected. Which was expected, I suppose, but- Shigure, what are you doing?"

"I'm taking notes!" Shigure exclaimed excitedly, his pen scribbling madly across the notebook that had appeared out of thin air. "Usually I wouldn't write this sort of thing, but after witnessing it live I can't believe I've neglected this subject for so long!"

Hatori blinked several times, dearly hoping he hadn't heard correctly.

"Whoa, where did they come from?"

Hatori and Shigure both looked away from the notebook to stare at the two boys on the coffee table, who were both staring at the newcomers.

"Like what you see?" Haru asked with a grin. "I would ask one of you to join for a threesome, but right now I think I want Kyo to myself. Maybe later, then."

And then the two started making out again.

"Could… could you… not?" Hatori asked weakly. When the other two boys showed no signs of hearing him, he raised his voice. "Could you please leave?"

The two stopped again and took a long look at Hatori, who suddenly felt very self-conscious.

"Bedroom," Kyo said firmly.

"Yes, I think a little privacy would be appreciated at this moment."

And then Haru picked Kyo up off the coffee table and carried him out of the room. Hatori and Shigure hastily jumped out of the way for the two boys, who were still connected at the lips. The sound of footsteps could be heard going up the stairs, followed by the slam of a door and the crashing of two bodies colliding with the bed.

"Dear God," Hatori groaned, rubbing his eyes. "I can't believe I just had the misfortune to witness that."

"Misfortune?" Shigure asked incredulously. "But look at this!" He proudly displayed three full pages of notes, "You can't believe the inspiration this just gave me! This book could be a best-seller! I still can't believe I've only stuck to male-female romances until now! What was I possibly think- Hari, why are you banging your head against the wall?"

Hatori groaned and rubbed the red spot on his forehead.

"Hatori, are you all right? Would you like some tea?"

There was a loud moan from upstairs.

"Hell no," Hatori said, and with that, he swept out of the house and into the car, where he sped back to the safety of the Sohma estate.