Disclaimer: Alas, it was not to be.
Notes: Happy Fourth of July to all those who celebrate it and even to those who don't. It's a holiday, the Williams sisters just played in the Wimbledon finals, and you finally get the update that's been sitting on my computer for a week… anyone in a generous mood today who's willing to review? Okay, this and the next chapter were originally going to be one chapter, but I decided to split them up because it was getting too long. "The Almighty Bob" Fiyero mentions is from Wicked'elphaba-fiyero's "He's a She," one of the best fics out there, if you haven't already read it, GO READ IT!!! After you finish mine, of course, complete with a review…
He was thinking naughty thoughts. He was thinking at all; the world had to be coming to an end. Glancing at the silky undergarments, then back at his own body, Fiyero Tiggular deduced that his world must be.
And here I was beginning to think thinking wasn't such a bad thing, he mused as a rush of images scattered through his mind. He enjoyed them for a moment before banging his fist against the floor, which really didn't do anything to resolve his current crisis besides make his fist hurt. A lot.
Come on, don't think, aren't you the Prince of Brainlessness? he scolded himself anxiously, clawing at the undergarments. Just don't think of anything, and put the dress-thing on…Ouch, my fist hurts… Okay, I guess that's safe to think. Think about the pain, very painful, isn't it? That's it, keep being smart… My fist hurts, though it's really Elphaba's fist… Elphaba in silk… Gah! Quit thinking!
Of course, when one tried not to think, it was practically impossible. Sighing, Fiyero continued his internal rambling. Think about roses, and flowers, and grass… green like Elphaba in a mini-dress…Come on, Fiyero, think! I mean, don't think! The square root of 49 is 6! 13 inches in a foot! Red and blue makes green… I wonder what Elphaba would look like in…FIYERO!
Yeah, she really does look good in me. Oz, you're never going to get the dress on. He began humming rapidly. Life's more painless when you're brainless… naked Elphaba… STOP THINKING!
Looking down, he found he had succeeding in turning the cursed thing inside-out with one foot sticking through the wrong end. He hadn't even succeeded in removing Elphaba's drab school dress, now slightly askew with several buttons undone. Obviously, his "not-thinking-while-putting-the-dress-on" plan had failed miserably.
Maybe he could just use willpower not to look down. Concentrating on a tile on the wall, he finished unbuttoning the dress, thinking with all his might, I am not looking. I am not looking.
Fiyero winced as he felt the soft flesh on the back his neck. I do not want to die. I am not looking.
He slid the dress off, trying not to remind himself that now all that was left was Elphaba's flannel undergarments. His mind raced, I am not looking, I am not… His eyes widened, suddenly no longer focused on the tile. Oh, Oz, I'm looking, I am looking… Gah!
Fiyero whipped his head up, for him a very gallant action. Despite his shady background with women, he was determined not to let this one get away from him. He didn't even know why he was so attracted to her, it wasn't as if she was anymore beautiful than any of the former girls. Well, okay, that was a lie, Elphaba was absolutely gorgeous, though in a much different matter. Maybe it was her charming personality.
Maybe I have a death wish, Fiyero grimaced, breathing heavily. He didn't want to disrespect Elphaba… well, okay, maybe a small part of him wouldn't mind. More like he didn't want to be murdered in his sleep. And a little nobility on his part.
Despite the stakes, he knew, he was going to look. His eyes glanced up, finding a towel hanging from its rack. Well, he concluded, then I guess I've got to make sure I can't look.
After several minutes of struggling, he finally managed to have tied the towel over his eyes… well, most of his face, actually, so now he was having trouble breathing, and some of the bristles were poking him in the eye, but at least he couldn't see a thing.
She had better thank me after this, he growled, groping for the buttons on the back. No, not thank me, she'd better take me out for dinner. Or better, invite me over for a sleepover where I get to blindfold her and make her undress herself… Oz, that sounded wrong…
He managed, somehow, to unbutton the first three buttons before giving up entirely and just ripping the thing off himself. Wincing as he heard cloth tear in several places, he squirmed out of it.
The dress had a tenacious grip. It was a silent game of tug-of-war between the two of them, and quite sadly, the dress appeared to be winning. And, well, it wasn't exactly that silent.
"OW!" Fiyero yelped as he ran into something big, either the sink or the rack beside the sink that held even more of Galinda's perfumes, if it was even possible for her to possess more. As bottles began toppling down from every direction, he figured it was the rack.
"Ouch, Lurline, Unnamed God, Almighty Bob, whoever else wants to take credit for this!" He heard several bottles shatter as they collided with the floor, making him wary of the sharp shards of glass now lying about everywhere. So wary, that he forgot about the other stuff, the gooey puddles of muck (in other words, foul smelling perfume), which he promptly slipped in, tripping to the floor and landing on bits of pointy objects he didn't want to know the name of.
Kicking off what remained of Elphaba's undergarments, Fiyero shouted at the top of his lungs, "CURSE YOU TO THE PITS OF THE ALMIGHTY BOB'S WRATH! NO, TO THE PITS OF THE PITS OF THE…"
"ELPHIE!" came Galinda's voice from outside. "Are you okay in there?!"
"NO! I mean, yeah, don't come in I'm naked… GAH! Don't think about that, Fiyero!"
"Is there a reason you would be thinking about him?" Galinda questioned.
"Of course not, that's just my version of… swearing, Oz, that hurts!"
"Are you sure you're…?"
"The opposite of, thank you very much, just go… go do some girlish thing and quit eavesdropping!"
He heard Galinda's footsteps retreat as she mumbled something under her breath.
"Seriously, I thought this door was soundproofed," Fiyero muttered, groping across the floor for Galinda's undergarments. He found them somewhere in the far corner, luckily untainted with any of the venomous liquids he had knocked over in his battle.
"Alright, time to finish this," he declared in a husky tone, ready for a heroic struggle. Taking a deep breath, Fiyero planned his next move, the only possible way to win this war. In other words, he arranged himself in a meditation pose and began praying, "Please, let me defeat the evil forces of Galinda's wardrobe, and then we can all sit in a happy circle and sing cheery songs, and while you're at it can I have a milli… OW!" Somehow, he managed to trip while sitting down, smacking his head on the side of the bathtub. "BOB!!!!"
"Huh? You want Bob?" Galinda questioned.
"Yeah, I want to kill him, and I thought I told you to stop eavesdropping!"
Oblivious to his irritation, Galinda continued, "Poor Bob… wait, is he that annoying munchkin who constantly stalks me? Because I don't mind if you kill him."
"No, that would be Boq," Fiyero answered, diving for the undergarments and missing. "Galinda, did you by any chance hear the door ring?" he questioned, praying to Bob or whoever the heck was listening that she would go away.
"Doorbell? I didn't hear the doorbell. My hair's not ready! My make-up is smeared! Do we even have a doorbell? HOLD ON A MINUTE!" she called to the imaginary person outside.
"And the clock is on," Fiyero muttered. "And…CHARGE!" He launched himself in the direction he thought the undergarments must be, tackling them. "A clean catch by the offence…" He shoved the dress over himself, knocking his towel further over his eyes and leaving one of his eyes with a clear sight of one of Elphaba's bare legs. "Ah, he's down, he's down!" he shouted nonsensically as he heaved the dress all the way down, trying to cover everything as quickly as possible.
The towel fell to the ground not a moment too soon. Well, maybe one moment, he thought as he shoved the dress up a bit, but it didn't really matter. He hadn't seen anything he hadn't seen before, not that that narrowed down the options much.
Stepping forward, satisfied, he studied himself in the mirror, displaying the silky garment with pride. "Hey, I recognize these…" Then, he promptly shut up, examining himself in silence.
Oz, she's hot… Oz, I'm hot!
Unable resist, he arranged himself on top of the sink, his legs curled in plain view, his hair down, spreading everywhere. The dress sagged a bit, only adding to the effect.
"Hello, beautiful," he whistled. He blinked his eyes in rapid succession, making Bambi eyes. He made overdramatic hand gestures, smoothing out the undergarments. "I love you, Fiyero," he drawled seductively. "Why don't you come closer? Don't be afraid, I don't bite… unless you want me too." Fiyero positioned himself closer to the mirror. "There, that's better. You know, you have the most amazing abs… How would you like to…" His head drew closer.
"Oh no, we really shouldn't," Fiyero argued meekly in a more manly voice, closer to Elphaba's true tone than his imitation of her was.
"Why not?" the Elphaba him questioned.
"Because I'm a noble and humble prince who doesn't deserve such a radiant beauty! No, no, no, that's lame. Because… Ours is a forbidden love! We cannot be together!"
"Oh, Fiyero, you're so noble…"
"I am, aren't I?"
"All of this is my fault. Your suffering…"
"Is nothing, I assure you…"
"Take me, Fiyero Tiggular!"
"Well, I suppose one kiss couldn't hurt…" He paused. "Well, it kinda did, but let's pretend I didn't say that, okay?"
"Okay."
"Now, where were we? Ah, yes, the gushy kissing part…"
He leaned forward, breaking out into a passionate embrace with the mirror, rubbing his hands along the sides and groaning softly.
"Um, Elphie?" Galinda squeaked.
"Gah!" Fiyero yelped.
***
"Fiyero?"
Fiyero blinked, his eyes refocusing on Elphaba, who was waving her hand in front of his eyes. "Huh?"
"You were about to tell me the rest," she prodded.
"Oh. Yeah, the rest, right," he said. "Uh, well, I fell over a lot, I knocked over a rack of Galinda's perfumes, I cut myself on glass. Oh, and I was blindfolded while this happened, I'm not that clumsy."
"Oh, really. And why were you blindfolded?"
"Well, I was changing into those horrid undergarments- and they itched, I swear I'm breaking out into hives in a place I'm afraid to look."
"You blindfolded yourself because you were changing?" Elphaba asked skeptically.
"Yeah. I figured you wouldn't appreciate it much if I peeked."
"Oh." After a pause, she added, "Thank you."
It really was enough after all. He beamed despite the fact she insisted that smiles clashed with her. His grin fell slightly as he began to feel guilty for editing the sequence of events. But, he was sure that there were certain things she'd hide from him too, though probably not so scandalous or so many.
"And I pounded my fist into the ground, and let me tell you, that really hurts," Fiyero continued. "And that's not half of it…"
***
"Gah!" Fiyero yelped, toppling over for the… he had lost count, the really large numbereth time. "You're supposed to knock! I could have been naked!" A wide grin spread on his face. "Oh, I could have been naked…"
"What are you doing?" Galinda questioned, staring at his sprawled form across the floor, still somewhat shocked.
"Were. Because I'm a grammar freak, and I'm not doing it anymore, and I wasn't even doing it in the first place, you just imagined it… um, practicing my kissing?"
Galinda giggled. "I wasn't aware you had such feelings for our mirror… have you asked it yet?"
"Very funny."
"Aren't I? Now, hurry we…" At her pause, he glanced up in time to see her cheerful expression fade to one of pure outrage as she noticed her shattered perfumes. "What happened in here?!" she demanded.
"Uh, evil cyclone from Kansas?" he tried. "Honestly, it's a miracle I survived, those things tend to drop large objects on unsuspecting young sorceresses."
"But… but…" Galinda stammered.
"I'm sorry," Fiyero apologized sincerely, seeing the hurt in the blonde's eyes. "I knocked over the rack when I was changing. That's why I took so long, I didn't want you to… I- I can pay for it, I think." He looked down, pretending to be ashamed. He felt a hand being placed on his shoulder. Glancing at it, the pink nail polish shone as Galinda pulled him up.
"It's okay, Elphie, I removed all of the pretty ones to use on you anyway," Galinda chattered. She clapped her hands excitedly. "Besides, I'm just excitified to dress you up! You're gonna be popular…"
"Wait, this wasn't the dressing up?" Fiyero questioned, holding back a groan.
"Of course not! Do you think I'd ever let you go out like that in public? People would call you worse things than they already do."
"I'll bet," Fiyero replied truthfully. If anyone saw him in this… he really didn't feel like finishing that statement.
"Let's see… what to wear, what to wear," Galinda mused, shuffling through the various puffy gowns in her wardrobe. She plucked two mini-dresses out. "Okay, do you want to appear shy, coy, and naïve-" She gestured to a dress that was in no way any of the words she listed. "-or unrestrained, insatiable, and aggressive?"
"Uh, you know, I'm a little shy, except for around everyone because I'm so busy trying to argue with them, and uh…" Fiyero's eyes nearly popped out at the aggressive selection. He would never live through wearing that."Besides, the boys probably don't like that overly assertive look." He stepped forward, shifting through her closet, wincing at several of the selections. Elphaba would absolutely murder him if she saw him wearing most of this stuff. There had to be something tame… "Oh, hey, here's something." He pulled out… "A nice comfy overcoat and a ski cap!"
Galinda stared at the long black coat and knit ski cap skeptically, then at Fiyero, who was smiling nervously.
"The ear flaps will bring out my eyes," he explained.
"Right," Galinda emphasized. "How about this one?" She handed him a sapphire dress that, while ruffled, wasn't overly frilly and went down below his knees. One that Elphaba wouldn't like much but would approve of.
Fiyero shrugged. "Okay."
Galinda looked dumb-founded. "Okay? Okay?"
"I mean, it's perfect!" Fiyero exclaimed. "I love it, you are such a savior, how would I survive without you, am I overdoing it?"
"A little. But I meant, did you actually say yes to one of my suggestions without any death threats?"
"Oh." He raised his voice in a falsetto- though, seeing as it was Elphaba's voice, it wasn't exactly a falsetto. "I'm going to kill you, Galinda!"
Galinda giggled. "You're funny, Elphie. I meant death threats from me."
"What, you give death threats too? What is it with women and their desire to murder everyone around them?" Remembering his current predicament, he added, "Uh, our desire. Our. As in both of us, women."
"There are explanations," Galinda shrugged.
"Like?"
She blushed. "You have to ask?"
"It must be obvious."
"It really is." Galinda pushed Fiyero back into the bathroom. "Now, change into that, and try not to destroy the bathroom this time!"
"Hey… I can't think of a good comeback right now," Fiyero shot back. Galinda rolled her eyes and closed the door. "But, you mark my words, one will come, and then, then, you'll be sorry. And, and, Lurline, I'm pathetic."
He straightened the dress, holding it up against himself and examining himself in the mirror. "You know, I really should have gone aggressive," he commented.
Another Buffy line hidden in here, anyone catch it? And another chapter coming up soon! But only if you review… Hey, at least I'm not making death threats.