AN: Hey guys! Sorry it's been awhile. I have no excuse besides laziness. Anyway, hope you enjoy it! It has tired!slightlyloopy!Tony. And I think this one is the longest by a few hundred words.
To all who will wonder, there are different versions of the Twelve Days of Christmas. In some versions the ordering is different and in different ones day four is interpreted as 'collie' or 'colly'. I'm going with the version of the song I grew up with so it's going to be 'calling'.
Thank you to all you have reviewed, favorited and followed! This gained traction so fast, I was kinda sad I didn't write for so long. I hope you didn't lose interest! Hopefully I'll write the next one faster (I do have at least half of it planned out in my head.)
Dear Loki,
You may believe whatever you want. Though I tell you now, I am not just a human messing with you. I do hope you didn't hurt the translator, otherwise I would have to step in and stop your fun.
What do you have in store for 'four calling birds?' I have to admit I am curious.
Sincerely,
North
A minute before December 17th...
Everyone had gone to bed around eleven on the night of December 16th. Tony and Bruce had stayed up a little longer discussing the plans of their ongoing experiment. Everyone else had fallen asleep nearly straight away.
11:59pm...tick, tock...12:00am.
"TONY STARK! TURN IT OFF!" Clint's voice echoed around the building.
"IT'S NOT ME, BIRDBRAIN!" He yelled back.
"Shut up Tony." Bruce mumbled as he rolled over.
"Not my fault." Tony pouted. The quiet lasted, maybe, thirty seconds.
"I WILL KILL YOU STARK!" Natasha yelled.
"WHY DO YOU ASSUME IT'S ME?!" Tony asked.
"STOP YELLING. TEAM MEETING IN FIVE IN THE KITCHEN!" Steve cut in.
Bruce groaned loudly before rolling over again, this time facing Tony who had his legs over the side of the bed.
"C'mon Big Green. Team meeting." Bruce sighed before rolling out of bed, dragging the blankets with him. "Hey! I was going to do that!" Tony complained, standing up now. As Bruce walked past Tony he opened his arm and the blanket. They walked together to the kitchen under one blanket. They were second to arrive, Steve was already sitting there, his hair messier than they have ever saw it. Natasha and Clint walked in, clad in pajamas they looked wide awake and ready for the day. Meanwhile Bruce and Tony were falling asleep standing up while leaning on each other.
"What. Is. That?" Natasha growled. She was asking about the bird call echoing around the floors. "Stark?"
"Not-" He let out a large yawn. "-me. Ask tweety bird over their. Maybe it's his long lost bird family."
"Nope!" Clint argued.
"Alright, how did birds get in, in the first place?" Steve asked.
"J'rvis?" Tony sleepily asked the AI.
"For lack of a better explanation: two birds, goldfinches, appeared in the tower at precisely midnight. I cannot locate them at the moment nor explain how they are projecting their song." Jarvis answered promptly.
"We're idiots." Tony said.
"Excuse me?" Natasha crossed her arms.
"'Four calling birds.' It started at midnight? My guess is that they're going to go all day."
"But they're not singing now." Clint pointed out. Everyone stilled and sure enough, it was silent.
"Thank goodness." Steve sighed and rested his head on the counter. Tony's breaths were already slowing down, he was quite literally falling asleep standing up. Bruce was not far behind. Clint and Natasha looked at each before shrugging and going back to bed.
It was 12:15am by the time everyone was asleep again. It was 12:16am when Clint was going on a rampage. The bird's song was back and annoying as ever. It stopped at 12:30am...12:35am, Clint (and everybody else) went back to bed.
12:40am...
"SOMEBODY SHUT THOSE THINGS UP!" Natasha yelled.
Tony sighed as he stared at the ceiling. "Hey Bruce?" A mumbled 'Wha?' answered. "I don't think they'll let us sleep. Every time we try they start singing again." Bruce sighed into the pillow heavily.
"You're right." He rolled out of bed. "Might as well do something." He stretched. The birds had stopped.
"Movie?" Tony asked. He had been awake for a long time already. He wasn't sure he could last another twenty four hours.
"You pick it, I make popcorn and get drinks?" Bruce asked.
"You never let me pick."
"We need to stay awake. You're bound to pick something with explosions." Bruce rolled his eyes as he walked out of the room again.
Tony followed him out. "Should we invite the others? Not like they can sleep either."
"Sure." Bruce replied as he put the popcorn in the microwave.
"Jarvis, tell the others."
"Yes, Sir."
Tony went to pick out a movie. (He made sure there were a lot of explosions.) By 1:00am everyone was settled and ready to watch the movie.
The birds had started singing a total of five times throughout the movie. If even a single person fell asleep everyone was subjected to the obnoxious noise.
3:00am, Tony and Bruce...
"I'm not gonna make it!" Tony groaned dramatically.
"C'mon, let's go make something explode." Bruce said, getting up.
"Why do you assume explosions are the only way to keep me awake?" Tony rolled over onto his stomach on the couch. Bruce looked down at him.
"You get absolutely giddy when you're the cause of the explosion. It'll keep you up for at least another hour or two. In turn, that'll keep me up with your babbling."
Tony looked like he was about to argue but then stopped, "Yeah, you're right. Let's go!" Tony jumped off the couch and grabbed Bruce's arm, dragging him into the elevator.
4:00am, Clint and Natasha...
"Well," Clint paused in tossing the rubber band ball against the wall, "at least the explosions are keeping us awake."
Natasha sighed and put down her gun. "Let's go see if there's a mission."
"We can just call." Clint pointed out. In response Natasha threw a knife.
"Or we can waste an hour outside this tower. No annoying birds or scientists."
Clint inspected the knife he caught before throwing it back. "True."
As they got up the birds started singing again.
"WHO FELL ASLEEP!?" Natasha yelled angrily.
"SORRY!" Steve's voice reached everyone.
"HA! TOLD YOU!" Tony yelled.
"DID YOU BET-"
"SHUT UP AND MEET IN THE LIVING ROOM." Clint yelled.
Living room few minutes later...
"We can't keep this up." Tony face planted into the couch. He moved his head to the side. "I mean, I've done overnighters before, well all week...ers, but I've been awake for awhile now." He yawned.
"Nope, no sleep for you." Clint then pushed him off the couch. Tony merely groaned and reached up and grabbed a pillow.
"This came at the worst time. We're all burnt out. Don't deny it." Steve said pointing at the two spies.
6:00am Bruce...
Usually Bruce was an excellent cook, but not when he hasn't slept.
"Bruce!" Was called at the same time the birds started. He jerked upright and blinked rapidly. "Don't fall asleep in the bacon." Tony yawned. Tony himself looked ready to face plant into his pancakes. How he managed to make those was a mystery to Bruce. He was sure there were robots that helped the genius, Jarvis probably.
Clint came in with his hands over his ears. "Alright, who was it now?"
"Brucie. He almost ruined the bacon." Tony was rhythmically hitting his head on the table (after moving his plate to the side). "Make them stop." He whined.
"Someone else must've fallen asleep." Clint said.
Tony took a deep breath that the others took as a sigh but was surprised when he yelled. "STEVE, NATASHA!"
"WHAT!?"
"WHAT?" Came the more confused response of Steve.
"STAY AWAKE!"
"I'M TRYING!"
"SHUT UP!" Natasha yelled angrily.
The birds stopped.
The men in the kitchen sighed in relief.
"Can I get breakfast?" Clint asked, ready for the no.
"Sure, Jarvis?"
"Right away sir."
Bruce blinked sluggishly. "Knew it." He muttered.
10:00am...
After a long morning of yelling everyone gathered again.
"I would give anything for a mission. Even my weapons." Clint said. Resting his head on the kitchen island.
"If you gave your weapons for a mission, what would you use for the mission?" Tony mumbled into Bruce's shoulder.
"Even when you're exhausted you can be annoying."
"Even when I'm tired you're still a birdbrain."
...
"What?" Steve asked.
"I don't even know." Tony made to straighten up but aborted the movement and plunked his head back onto Bruce's shoulder. Bruce merely grunted and guided them to a chair.
Out of all of them Tony was having the worst of it. He'd been up the previous two days helping in a Stark Industries emergency that had started early in the morning. Clint had thought he sounded tired on the phone the other day.
12:00pm lunch...
With only three birds calls since ten the team decided on lunch.
"Take out?" Bruce asked.
After everyone agreed they had food in no time.
5:00pm...
"Here." A sleepy Tony shoved a cylinder into Clint's hand.
"What is it?" The only slightly more awake archer asked.
"I don't remember." Tony squinted at the object.
"Hey Bruce." Clint called as he saw the other genius.
"Yeah?"
"Know what this is?" He shook the silver cylinder slightly.
"Uh, is that something Tony made?"
"Yup." Tony answered. "I have no idea what it is or does. I was-am really tired."
"Well, there were those springs. Or was that for something else?" Bruce stared thoughtfully at the ground.
"No more tired inventing for you two." Steve said as he walked in.
"Hey Steve, can you open this?" Clint asked, holding it out.
"Okay." He said dubiously.
The Captain grabbed it cautiously and twisted the top.
Pop!
Foam spurted out the top and paper snakes sprung out.
"That's what the springs were for!" Bruce exclaimed.
Tony and Clint were both laughing hard. Their tiredness coloring it with a drop of hysteria.
Yet another sigh was released and Steve went off to shower.
8:30pm everyone...
"Didn't Jarvis say there were only two birds?" Clint asked.
"Yeah, so?" Natasha asked.
"Four calling birds." Tony said. Sitting on the couch while leaning against Bruce.
"Where are the other two?" Steve asked.
"Jarvis, scan."
"Seven life forms on this floor. Two of which are the birds. The other five are the people currently in the room." Jarvis responded.
9:00pm Steve...
Ring!
"Hello?" Steve answered his phone...after a few tries, wondering why some one was calling at nine at night.
"Hello, is Joe there?" A male voice asked.
"Uh, there's no Joe here. Are you sure you have the correct number?"
"Yes, yes, Joe told me...oh wait, heh, yeah, never mind. Got the numbers flipped."
"Alright, that's no problem."
"Thanks bro." He hung up.
"That was strange." Steve muttered.
9:04pm Bruce...
Ring!
"Hello?"
"Hi, is Joe there?"
"Uh, nope, sorry."
"That's okay, I'll call back later"
Bruce stared at his phone before throwing it back down onto the kitchen counter, shrugging.
9:12pm Clint...
Ring!
"Yellow." Clint greeted, pausing in throwing a foam stress ball at Natasha.
"Is Joe there?"
"Uh, no. You got the right number there?"
"Oh, no, sorry!" He hung up before Hawkeye could respond.
"Who was that?" Natasha asked.
"No idea."
9:20pm Tony...
Ring!...Ring!...Ring!
"Shut up!" Tony finally lifted his head to visually look for his phone. Finding it an inch away from where he was looking he pressed answer.
"Tony Stark." He said.
"Is Joe there?"
"No, I don't even know a Joe. Wrong number." Tony hung up before dropping his head back down.
9:25pm Natasha...
"Natasha!"
"Be patient! The popcorn is still in the microwave!"
Ring!
"Hello, Natalie speaking."
"Is Joe there?"
"Can't say that he is." She said pleasantly.
"Oh, I'll call back later." Natasha shrugged and tucked her phone back into her pocket.
9:30pm...9:37pm...9:42pm...9:53pm...9:58pm...Steve...Bruce...Clint...Tony...Natasha
"Hello?...No, he's not here...Stop calling!"
"Oh, okay. Maybe he'll be there later."
Dial tone.
"Gah!"
10:31pm...
"Did you guys get a call about a Joe?" Steve asked.
"You too?" Clint asked. "Wait, did everyone?" In response everyone nodded.
"Who's Joe?" Bruce asked.
"No idea." Tony mumbled, burrowing farther into the couch.
"No sleep yet." Bruce hit him with a pillow. "Still got an hour and a half to go. Up!" Bruce pulled Tony upright, only for the genius to fall the other way onto him.
Ring!
Everyone froze.
Ring!
Natasha reached carefully towards the landline. Putting it on speaker...
"Hello?"
"Hi! Is Joe there?"
"You've already asked! Multiple times! Stop calling!" She jabbed the end call button before throwing the phone at Clint.
"Hey!"
Ring!
A loud groan came the Tony shaped lump under the blanket.
Clint took a deep breath and answered. "THERE IS NO JOE HERE!"
Silence.
"Uh, I'm Joe. I was wondering if there were any messages for me?"
The Avengers sat in stunned silence.
"Uh, hello?"
"You're Joe?" Natasha asked quietly.
"Yeah."
"Listen here. I will hunt you down and rip you to pieces with only-"
"Okay! Yeah, listen Joe, please tell your friend to stop calling here. He's done so many times." Steve interrupted while Clint had a hand firmly over Nastasha's mouth. She still seemed to be threatening Joe...or just cussing in Russian. No one could tell, it was all muffled.
Without a response Joe ended the call.
"Hopefully that was the end of that. Ow!" Clint jerked his hand away.
"I have a feeling it's not." Bruce slouched.
11:13pm...
Ring!
"I am done!" Tony stood abruptly, dislodging Bruce, threw his hands up and stalked put of the room.
Bruce reached for the phone this time. "Hello."
"Hello."
"Uh, yes?"
"How may I help you today sir?" The voice asked.
"Uh, I don't need help. You called me."
"I'm sorry sir, but you called me."
"What? No I didn't."
"Yes you did. Are you alright? Should I call an ambulance for you?"
"What?! No! I'm fine!" Bruce was much too tired for this. "Goodbye."
"Goodbye sir. Thank you for calling."
11:24pm...
"Four...calling...birds." Tony mumbled thoughtfully.
"What?" Clint asked.
"The callers? Joe and whoever the other guy was. They were the two other callers. Two calling birds and two callers." Tony explained.
"Oh." Steve said
"How much longer?" Natasha asked.
"Forty five minutes." Tony groaned.
"What takes forty five minutes to do and at the same time makes time fly?" Bruce asked.
"Throwing a clock out the window 1,350 times." Tony answered, deadpan.
There was a confused pause.
"What?" Clint asked.
"Well, maybe less if you took longer than two seconds per throw..."
"Oh, that joke about making time fly by throwing a clock. I get it." Steve said.
"How tired do you have to be to not be able to do math?" Natasha asked. "I'm guessing you multiplied forty five by sixty and divided by two. Don't strain yourself Barton."
Said man let out a huff.
"Okay, so unless there are over a thousand clocks laying around I think we should find another way to stay awake." Bruce said.
Tony pouted before speaking. "How about we throw eggs out the window?"
"To accomplish what?" Steve asked.
"Two things: hit the prank callers and maybe get the birds to fly out after them."
It was worrying how seriously Steve thought about that.
"No." He finally decided.
"How about-"
"No." Natasha cut in.
"We could-"
"Nope." Clint shot down.
"Well-"
"Tony, no." Bruce said gently.
11:45pm...
"F of x divided by g of x would be...3.57(2.8/x)-"
Clint narrowed his eyes at the ceiling. "Is Tony even speaking english?" He had to ask.
"...then write in terms of x..."
"If it keeps him awake and keeps the birds quiet I don't care what language he's speaking." Natasha muttered darkly.
"Math?" Steve asked as he sat up.
"Wha...?" Bruce jerked upright. Making Tony stop his stream of mumbled math for a second to grumble before continuing. It seemed Tony was dreaming but they knew the birds would be singing if he was actually asleep.
"...X equals zero. Slope: undefined. Not a function...This is modeled by the following equation..."
"Oh, is he reciting math problems?" Bruce asked. "Which book are you on?"
"Pre-calculus..." Tony frowned. "My pencil isn't straight. The vertical line test won't work."
"You don't have a pencil." Steve said.
"How much longer?" Clint groaned.
"Uh," Bruce went to look at his watch but Tony stole his wrist and squinted at it.
"Uh, .00022831 of a month... .000992063 of a week... .00694444 of a day...One sixth of an hour...ten minutes...six hundred seconds...six hundred thousand milliseconds..."
"Shhhhhhhhh, Tony." Bruce put a hand over Tony's mouth.
"So close!" Clint exclaimed.
11:55pm...
"Gah!" Tony, Bruce and Clint all jerked upright.
"Five minutes guys." Steve said.
"Five minutes..."
"No Tony."
Two minutes later...
Ring!
"What!?"
Steve sighed. "Hello?"
"What do you called people who are in favor of tractors?"
In favor of tractors? Clint mouthed.
"What?"
"Protractors!" There was a pause where the team could swear they heard drums and a cymbal crash.
The silence ended when Tony and Bruce started laughing.
"Why thank you!" The caller said before hanging up.
11:59pm...12:00am...
"Zzz."
"Zzz."
"Zzzzzz."
"Zzzzz."
"ZZZZZZZZ."
Loki's letter...
North,
Ha! They couldn't keep their eyes open! And the translator fine...maybe a little confused but fine. I'm really excited for tomorrow. Don't worry, no one will be hurt...too much, maybe a bruise or two.
Unpleasant Christmas,
Loki
AN: *shakes head* I don't even know. Let me know what you think! And remember give me gift ideas for the last chapter! Oh and pm or leave a review telling me the top two of my stories you want me to continue!
~Dawnmoon