A/N: So… got my first review today! Thanks! It really means a lot! I don't like this chapter too much, I think I rushed it… but you know… I'm not a very good writer because my mind tends to work in pictures… which is always great fro reading fanfiction (especially the dirty stuff) but not so great for writing it… Okay I'm babbling. I hope you like it! Presuming anyone's actually reading this….
There's still a little bit of your song in my ear
How do you explain a hurt so deep, to a company so ignorant that they don't even know what really caused it? You always told me that we should flaunt it, that our friends deserved to know what was really going on.., and I wish now that I'd just gone with it… that way I wouldn't have to stand here and explain to everyone… to Tonks… to the Weasleys… to Harry, why I'm the one that can't hold myself together. I'm not crying. There's not enough of me left to even process this… I'll be glad when it's all over, the laughing… the crying… the funny stories… so I can just get back to our… my flat and forget about everything.
The funeral was horrible. They always are when you know the person well enough. I was sitting with Harry… he needed you Sirius, maybe more than I do, and now you're gone. He's handling himself okay, better than I am. He's so much like our James, Padfoot… so much stronger than I'll ever be. Various people got up and said various things… but I wasn't really listening. I knew it all already, I didn't need to be reminded of your bravery, or your disobedience… certainly not the latter at least. I sort of… half-slept… letting it all wash through me, trying to laugh at the right moments and all… but I was just numb… to the point where I wondered how many people would care if I got up and left… but that's when they played your song. You remember, don't you? That time at Lilly's house? With that tape-recorder that she had that you and James couldn't seem to get your heads around? You wrote a song about Lilly and James, it was pretty terrible, but hilariously beautiful at the same time, always interrupted by our giggling. They edited out the verse about Snape, which was a shame because it was always my favourite…
I sat there, and the sound of your voice over the crackling of the speakers was the most haunting thing… you have no idea. To hear you laugh, to hear you sing and joke and snort… it broke me Padfoot… and now I stand here, next to your memory and I know it's all over, but there's still a little bit of your song in my ear, you're still inside me, as you will always be… and maybe I'm a better person for it… but all I want to do is curl up and join you, wherever you are. How could they take you away from me, Sirius? What am I supposed to do without you?
There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear.
"Moony." Your hands are rubbing circles on my back, unknotting all the muscles, I writhe and groan in apprecciation, but I still won't answer you. it's too petty, you'll laugh at me.
"Just tell me." You say, you were always so infuriatingly impatient.
I shake my head.
"Am I so terrible that you can't even say it out loud?" You ask, you're only joking, but your voice is cautious.
" I just… I want you to stop hinting." I say.
"What do you mean."
"I want you to tell me how you feel."
"But you know how I feel."
We'd been through this so many times. You're afraid of those three words, I know you are, because in saying them you feel like you're signing a contract, a contract that you'd sign anyway… but it was one of those habits you seemed to hold, hard to teach an old dog new tricks… pun intended. I wonder if you've ever said them to anyone, probably not. I'd be the first then, and I was so ready to squeeze them out of you.
"I want you to say it."
"Why?" Your face is jokingly tortured.
"Because I do. Come on Siri… I love you, it's not that hard."
"You know I do Remus, I show you, isn't that more important?"
"There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear, come on Sirius… tell me."
"I… I love you Moony."
"There, that wasn't so hard was it?"
"Do I get a reward, like a good doggy?" You ask, putting up your hands and begging… I laugh and lean in to kiss you. I'd known all along that you loved me, but hearing it made it so much more real.
You step a little closer to me.
We're sitting together, you and I, in our best robes, you've pinned a white rose to your chest. Lilly looks beautiful in white, she always has. Somebody even managed to make James's hair sit flat. You say that they must have shaved his head and given him a wig. Nobody's looking at us, why would they? They're all dancing, laughing, drinking, watching the bride and groom. I take your hand under the table.
"They're good together, aren't they?" I say. "Considering she spent so long hating his guts."
"Yeah…" You answer, an old grin creeps into your face. "Just goes to show that James Potter always gets what he wants."
You throw back another glass of pink cherry champagne and turn to me with a small smile. I squeeze your hand tight, hoping that nobody can see the tenderness in my face as I look at you across the table.
"And we don't?"
You get to your feet, still holding my hand. I look around, nobody's looking, why shouldn't we dance? Girls dance with each other all the time… it's nothing out of the ordinary.
You step a little closer to me, and as your cheek touches mine you whisper. "Well I don't know about you, but I've got exactly what I want."
The music is nice, I don't know the song but it's good, easy to dance to. Your arms are around my waist, my hands linked at the back of your neck, our bodies are pressed close and we sway, ever so slightly, in time with the music. We're getting a lot of weird looks, but I don't care. Let them stare, let them wonder, let them gossip all they like, because one day soon… it'll be us Padfoot, one day we'll be standing under that flowery arch. I promise you that. I don't want to say it out loud just yet, and nor do you, but I think we both know where to go from here. I mean, that one big, eye-popping moment is what it all boils down to, really. It's the ultimate expression of love. And that's what this is, maybe it was just sex for a while, but it was always going to be something more. We were never a fling, honey. Not ever.
So close that I can't see what's going on.
I'm sitting in the window seat, going over and over James' potions essay. He promised me chocolate frogs, with a stunted remark about me always doing your homework without expecting confectionary in return… he stopped himself before saying your name, but I knew what he was talking about. For somebody training to be an auror, James's potions notes are preposterous. Stinksap does not turn the draught yellow… you're not even supposed to use Stinksap at all! I cross out the offending paragraphs... rewriting them on fresh parchment in a perfect imitation of James's handwriting. The things we do for chocolate.
I can hear footsteps in the corridor, they're hesitant, and the feet scuff a little on the stone floor, I know those footsteps and I wonder what you have to ask this time. Your questions are mostly trivial... we haven't talked about 'us' yet, but I know you want to. I promised I wouldn't love you, promised I wouldn't come crawling back… but I'm a bad person Sirius, I can't keep you out of my head and I don't know how long it'll be before I crack.
"Remus?" You call from beneath. "Are you up here?"
"Yes." I reply. "Just finishing Prongs's essay."
You open the door and walk towards me, I feel my heart rate increase but I don't show it. You keep your distance, leaning on the wall.
"Lazy git, isn't he?" You say, watching my quill flick over the parchment. "I hope he's paying you."
"Ten chocolate frogs." I reply. "I'm hoping to get Flamel, I haven't got him yet."
"Oh." You mumble. I try not to show you any signs of distress as you sit down next to me. My heart palpitates and my quill quivers in my hand.
"Remus?" You mutter, you're looking at me now, holding my gaze with that steely stare of yours. "Can we talk?"
"What about?" I murmur back, my voice is low, but painfully innocent.
"You know what, Remus."
"Siri…"
"Look, I know what your answer will be and I know how you feel, but can we at least talk about this?" Your voice rises a little and I shrink back into the seat. Your eyes are penetrating. I roll up James's essay and wait for the hurricane.
"Fine." I mumble. "Talk."
You run your fingers through your hair, you've been looking sallow lately, and I wonder if you're getting sick, but that's not it, is it?
"Rem, Moony… I've been thinking a lot…"
"Mmm?"
"Oh, how do I… I've been thinking about what happened that night… before you… before you said…"
"Yeah?"
"And you... well… the wolf, got kind of pissed with me."
"And I practically detached your jaw…" I murmur. "How could I forget?"
"Well… it's just… before that, everything was fine… and all of a sudden, you hurt me, by accident, and you say that you don't… you don't… love me… anymore."
"Sirius… just get to the point." My voice is catching in my throat. I don't want to talk about this. If you crack me… I'd never forgive myself… but it'd be worth it, wouldn't it, to have you back in my arms, to have something to live for again?
"Well… I mean, if I'm wrong, just tell me to piss off… but… sometimes I get the feeling you only really… uh..."
"Hmm?"
"You only... left me… to keep me safe. And I want you to know that I don't care if you hurt me, I can take care of myself, I'm a big boy…" You're talking to quickly… "And anything, anything, is better than this."
I try to tell you that you're wrong, I try to make up some story about a girl, but my voice isn't working well enough. I swallow hard and open my mouth, but nothing comes out.
"Moony, just tell me to go." You say, your voice is soft, but with that edge to it, and I know you're on the verge of tears. My voice cracks, I crack.
"Don't go." It's only the shadow of a whisper, but you pick it up, your face starts to glow, that long dormant smiling creeping back in like the dawning sun.
"Moons?" You're so close now, so close that I can't see what's going on, and I break, all those long weeks of hard self control… keeping me from crawling back… wasted, and it feels so good.
"I'm sorry Sirius, I'm weak and selfish and stupid…. But just… don't go…"
And so you lean in. You lean in and your breath is on my skin… I let James's homework clatter to the floor and the sound echoes like a scream. I touch my fingers to your skin and I and I can almost feel the blood rushing beneath it. I can barely believe I've denied myself this necessity for so long. Something inside of me is re-knitted, made whole again as I fold my arms around you.
"I've missed you so much Padfoot."
A/N: Yeah… so I'm sorry it's so fluffy… but I, have been deprived of romance in my own life for so long that I can't even remember what it's like, am sort fluffy myself… so, read and review... it would mean a lot. I'll probably have the last few chapters up tomorrow… this might well be the first piece of writing I ever finish…