A/N
In this story, italicized sentences normally represent the point-of-view character's direct thoughts. However, when an entire point of view is in italics, it is a flashback scene. Not that you wouldn't have figured that out, just thought I'd give you the heads up.
This story is set completely in Marvel movieverse, not comics or mythology. That said, some past events in this fic are loosely inspired by events from mythology. Only very loosely, though, because, in the movie world, the characters are more humane and down to earth, so, in my opinion, the original myths would be too odd and gross to fit in with the movie plot and characters. Most of Loki's issues are based on things that happened or were implicitly or explicitly referred to in Thor movie. References to mythological sounding events are not references to the original myths, and Norse mythology is not part of this story's canon.
The whole predestination thing, for one, doesn't sit well with me. I like writing AU stories that don't ultimately lead to the canon ending. Still, in my opinion, when movie-Loki was talking to Odin in the Weapons Vault, he seemed pretty convinced Odin wasn't the type of person to take in a child without a hidden agenda, so I thought I would incorporate some retold myths in my fic to explain why Loki feels that way. The flashbacks give you an idea of what Loki and Thor's life in Asgard has been like.
Ahem, well, enough with ranting and on with the story.
()()()
Broken Trust
Loki walked into his father's private study, nervous and unsure of what to expect. It wasn't often he was invited before the Allfather without any warning, or any idea what he was being punished for this time. As far as Loki knew, he had done nothing punishment-worthy of late, which, of course, did not lessen the young man's worry. There was always the very real possibility that Loki would be brought in front of the king to answer for someone else's mischief.
In situations like that, especially when the offense was minor, it was usually better Loki pleaded guilty, and faced his punishment like a champ. Unless Loki had waterproof evidence of his innocence, which, considering the "mysterious" nature of his notable magical powers, he rarely had, Loki would likely end up bearing the punishment, regardless. The punishment would also be more severe if Loki "lied" about his guilt first.
The younger prince relaxed a little, when he noticed that it would be just him and Odin in the study. Surely, if Loki had been summoned here to be punished, there would be witnesses.
Loki greeted his father with a slightly deeper bow than usual, just to be on the safe side, and took the seat offered to him, in an armchair next to his father's. The king's personal study was elliptical, dimly lit, and much smaller than most would have guessed. Since the sun was already down, and the magical lights weren't on, the only source of light in the room was the central fire.
Odin was sitting in his armchair by the fire. The stark illumination made him look old and a bit intimidating. Loki gulped. The silence, too, was a bad sign. Perhaps, he was being given a chance to confess, but to what, Loki did not know, so he remained respectfully silent, and waited for Odin to say something.
Thankfully, the Allfather spoke almost as soon as Loki was seated. Odin sounded tired and strong, all at once, but not angry, which was most encouraging.
"Loki. It has been a while since we have seen each other, but I hear you have been well. Have you made progress in your studies?"
"Well, I am working on several projects right now, and although none are complete, I think they hold promise." Loki did not feel the need to specify that those projects were mostly to do with how to better avoid Heimdall's detection, and how to travel between the realms without the help of the Bifrost. Loki was getting most of Asgard's unexplained felonies pinned on his head anyway; he did not look forward to being held accountable for misdeeds that took place in the other realms, as well.
Loki answered politely and vaguely, all the while wondering, why he had been summoned in the first place. It made sense that Odin wouldn't want to talk about Loki's magic studies publicly, but that was hardly a reason to summon him unexpectedly, and without telling him, what the meeting was about. No, the Allfather always had a reason for the things he did, which meant something was going on.
Odin nodded. "I am glad to hear that."
Loki's curiosity was starting to overcome his concern, so he decided to venture a little: "You sound tired, father. Is something the matter? Does something trouble you?"
Odin didn't answer, but his lips tightened, so Loki was pretty sure he had guessed correctly. Odin got up and walked over to the window, gesturing for Loki to join him.
"Tell me, my son, what do you think of the new wall?"
Loki looked out to the moonlit city, and at the outline of the nearly-finished, new wall around it. "It is a magnificent construction. Stronger and more slender than any previous wall in the history of the realm. I think you made a wise decision when ordering it."
Loki was even telling the truth. He wasn't much of an architecture buff, but even he could appreciate a masterpiece. Most importantly, however, Loki was happy about the wall because it represented change. In the Realm Eternal, changes were few and far apart, so Loki had been excited, when he had heard that the old city wall would be pulled down, and replaced with a new one.
For a while now, Loki had felt that Asgard was too conservative on a great deal of matters. He could also understand the need to start off with something small. The road to socio-economic changes began with little steps, but that little step was long due. Hopefully, if the new wall was well-received by the people, it would be the first change in a line of many. That was something Loki looked forward to, even if some discord was bound to ensue. Maybe even because of it. Asgard could use some shaking up. Perhaps, if people were more open about their disagreements, they wouldn't pin every mishap on the convenient usual suspect.
"It is a good wall", Odin finally pitched in, in a tone that left Loki waiting for the 'but'. "My only concern is the price."
Loki perked up. That almost sounded like Odin wanted to hear Loki's opinion on something. Could the reason for Loki's presence here truly be that simple and.. desirable? Was Odin finally placing some faith in his younger son's input, while making decisions for the realm?
Loki tried to quickly remember, what the price of the wall had been, but couldn't. Damn. Not a very good start.
"And what was the price, again, my king?" Loki was forced to check.
"The Moon and the Sun", Odin answered.
And now Loki was sure he had never actually heard what the price was, for he would have certainly remembered that one. The Moon and the Sun were two of the greatest jewels in all of Asgard. The royal family had no shortage of treasures, of course, but it would be a great loss of prestige for Odin, if word were to spread that the King of Asgard was forced to barter away heirlooms.
The builders were from Svartalheim, which would explain, how they had had the nerve to ask such a price. No one in Asgard would have risked making an enemy out of the King, but the foreigners must have relished in the knowledge that the price was something even Asgard could not easily afford. This was a power play.
Come to think of it, Loki doubted there were many in Asgard, who knew the price of the wall. If it was common knowledge, Loki would have heard gossip of it at some point.
"That is the price the builders asked?" Loki tried to hide his own astonishment and sound politely casual.
"Yes. I agreed to the deal on the condition that the wall would be completed in half of the time originally proposed. If the work is delayed, the builders receive only a nominal fee."
Loki was starting to see where this was going. "Ah. And when is the deadline?"
"A week from now. My advisers tell me that if nothing unexpected happens, it looks like the wall will be completed by then."
"Yes", Loki agreed. "If nothing unexpected happens."
Which would explain, why you have summoned the God of Unexpected Things to have this chat with.
Odin turned to look at Loki, his voice very stern: "If the builders suspect foul play, the scandal will be enormous. Anyone found guilty of such malignity, would be subject to a harsh punishment. A punishment they would bare alone, for the blame would be on an individual. If Asgard, as a kingdom, would even be suspected, the political repercussions would be too great to consider."
In other words, Loki thought. If you get caught, no one will come to your aid.
Loki considered the Allfather's proposition, but, despite the risks, he could not say 'no'. The young man did feel a flinch of guilt at the thought of cheating honest builders out of their earnings, but the guilt was surpassed by the perceived merits.
Loki was finally being given an opportunity to prove his worth in the eyes of his father, by using his skills for the good of the realm.
This is the chance I have been waiting for. Thor would not back down from a risky mission, and nor will I.
Loki nodded to Odin. They spoke no further on the matter that night.
ooo
"What is the meaning of this?"
The Allfather's question hung in the air, demanding to be answered. Odin himself stood in the doorway to the recovery room. Loki reflected that the king managed to somehow appear larger than his actual size warranted. Although Thor and Loki had both outgrown their father, Odin would always be head and shoulders above the rest of the world.
Odin was accompanied by his usual air of superiority, traces of magical power drizzling in the air. Even though Loki's quick eyes could make out shadows under the king's eye, and weariness in his posture, both tell-tale signs that the ruler had not yet fully recovered from Odinsleep, power and authority were still the primary features present on Odin's being. The king looked regal and stern, reserved and yet demanding respect merely by existing. Looking as ready as ever to enforce his divine judgment upon his humble subjects.
Every bit a king. Everything Loki needed to be, but wasn't, and now they all knew why.
I wanted nothing more than to make you proud of me.
Against his will and better judgment, Loki's anger was on the rise again. He took in a deep breath to calm himself, but immediately regretted it. Changes in breathing pattern were some of the easiest tells to notice, and Loki would rather keep his emotions to himself. He had no intentions of repeating his humiliating breakdown in the Weapons Vault.
Loki straightened up to a full sitting position. Making sure to keep all the pain brought by this sudden physical effort off of his face, he turned to meet Odin's one eye squarely.
Odin's expression was... unreadable.
"Loki has awoken", Thor, a bit belatedly, answered his father's question. Of course, Thor's words didn't really answer anything; they gave no explanation for the visible tension and hostility between the once-brothers.
Loki looked to Thor. A smile had returned to brighten the golden prince's face. Thor looked as though nothing was amiss about the situation. Like Loki waking up and acting ungrateful and childish was something to rejoice over.
Odin nodded, accepting this answer and willing to let the real question slide for now.
Loki didn't say anything. Thor was still smiling, though on closer inspection, the expression was quite forced. It seemed that the Thunderer was deliberately avoiding to answer Odin's question by playing dumb, which was more deceit and tact than Loki had thought Thor capable of. Perhaps, Loki had underestimated him.
At the moment, however, Loki could not afford to divide his attention between his not-brother and not-father simultaneously, and, of the two, Odin had to take priority. Figuring Thor out would have to wait.
"I can see that", Odin said, after it became evident no one else in the room was about to say anything. "That is good news."
The Allfather took a few steps forward. The door closed behind him magically.
"How are you, my son?" Odin asked, sounding reserved but sincere. Loki had, however, learned not to put all that much faith in the Allfather's words. His actions, on the other hand, were most telling. Despite the kindness in Odin's words, his face remained distant and watchful. He didn't come close. Just like in the Weapons Vault, Odin was careful to keep a physical and emotional distance between them.
Loki would not make the mistake of revealing his own emotions and weaknesses again. Not now that he knew Odin had no intentions of meeting him halfway.
"Not dead", Loki replied, granting Odin a fake, calm smile. He would not give this man the pleasure of knowing, how Odin's actions and words had destroyed him. Well, more so than was apparent.
Odin's expression was a combination of emotions. Disappointment, mostly. Unsurprisingly. There was also anger, and calculation, and something Loki couldn't quite put his finger on. Had he not known better, Loki might have identified it as grief.
The dark-haired man narrowed his eyes. He felt like screaming: If you are sorry now, it is too little, too late, and for all the wrong reasons.
I did everything you ever asked. And all this time, you knew. You knew how much I wanted your love, and you knew you could never love me like a son, but instead of coming clean with the truth, you chose to hide it from me. You waved the possibility of earning your respect, maybe even getting the throne, before me for years, knowing full well, it was never meant to be.
All this time, you knew the depths of my despair, and yet you made me think, and hope, that one day, you would be proud of me. You took advantage of me.
Loki pulled his hands into fists under the blanket. Not because he had the urge to hit someone, as the gesture might have been seen as. Loki was a different sort of creature.
He dug his nails deep into the palms of his hands, and immediately felt a little better. The small prickling pain in his hands didn't lessen the pain in his heart, but it brought his mind back to the here and now in a dull, practical, manageable way. It was a trick Loki had learned years ago, when he was no older than seven or eight. By then, Loki had discovered that if he cried whenever he became upset, most of the time it only made matters worse. The people taunting him were only encouraged by tears, and by crying, he ran the risk of appearing a weak in front of all of Asgard.
Later in life, Loki had learned other ways to distract himself from his hurt. He would remain silent, but plot tricks to befall his tormentors. Clever and personalized tricks, most of which he never carried out, but the thought alone made him feel better.
Another effective strategy Loki had picked up over the years was to tell himself whoever had offended him this time hadn't really meant to hurt him. But, some days, it was hard to believe so. Days like the ones after Thor's banishment, for example.
Lady Sif's actions during that time could not easily be interpreted as well-meaning for Loki. When she and the Warriors Three had come to see him in the throne room, Sif had all but attacked Loki. And for what? For reminding her that the Allfather's orders still stand, even when the king is momentarily unavailable?
Loki and Sif had never really gotten along, which, admittedly, wasn't her fault more than his, but they had known each other most their lives, and had gone to countless battles together. What had Loki ever done, he now wondered, to provoke her to attack him like that, in the throne room, with witnesses all around them?
Odin was still silent, as was Thor. What could any of them say to one another that would be of benefit to the situation? Loki could think of very few productive turns of conversation. Quite possibly, he should apologize, and promise not to do it again? Or would that be a bit transparent?
Loki let his gaze return to Odin.
Even now, even after Loki had learned for a fact that Odin didn't care about him, and never had. Even now, if Odin told him there was still a chance for Loki to make him proud, Loki wasn't sure, what his own reaction would be.
If Loki was presented with a task, no matter how arduous, no matter how impossible, he would probably do it. Or rather, he would either do it or die trying. All his life, Loki had wanted Odin's acceptance. It was hard to stop craving it even now, with the truth finally out. Well, one of the truths, for Loki, if anyone, knew just how many secrets Odin kept.
Loki reminded himself that it had all been a lie. Loki had never been even a contestant for the Allfather's love and respect. To Odin, Loki was nothing more than a pawn; a thing to be used, not a person to be valued. Not realizing this truth earlier was Loki's mistake, but one he would not repeat.
Odin was about to say something more, when the door opened.
Frigga, unlike Odin, did not halt in the doorway, but immediately walked over to Loki, and sat on his bed. Without a word, Frigga took one of Loki's hands into hers, and squeezed it. Loki returned the silent gesture, grateful for the chance to gather himself.
"I am here, my son", was all she said. Loki nodded stiffly, not trusting his voice to hold. Frigga smiled a little at that, although there was still an undeniable sadness in her presence. Loki was, at least in part, to be blamed for the wrinkles shadowing her lovely features.
Although the silence between Frigga and Loki was a comfortable one, and probably the only thing that enabled Loki not to burst into tears at the sight of her, Loki found himself wishing he could be absolutely sure of her feelings for him.
These people he used to call parents, had lied to him his entire life, and as much as Loki didn't want to doubt Frigga, he realized that a part of him did, and had, for a long time. Loki had doubted that his parents loved him, or more specifically, that they loved him as much as they loved Thor. He had worried over this a lot longer than he'd known he was adopted. Although Loki had always believed in Frigga's love more than in Odin's, he couldn't, even now, be absolutely certain of it.
In the past, Frigga had told Loki that she loved him, and Loki had wanted to believe her. But when Loki had asked her, why they hadn't told him the truth about his heritage, her words had been most discouraging. She had simply said that this changed nothing, since Loki was still theirs. That they were still his parents; that they still had ownership over him. Even if they really weren't the sort of parents Loki would have wanted them to be, and would never love him the way they loved Thor, he should not ask for more.
Instead of telling Loki that she loved him exactly the way he was, Frigga had emphasized that they had lied him to protect him from the truth. The truth being, it seemed, that Frost Giants were monsters, and if Loki was not protected from knowing he was one of them, he was sure to become just as bad as they were.
Is it already too late? Am I already the sort of monster you cannot love?
Frigga was being considerate and tactful, as always, and Loki was grateful for it. That said, what Loki needed, right now, was affirmation. Even at the risk of breaking down in front of Odin again. Even at the risk of not liking the answers. Yet, Loki just couldn't get the words out. Couldn't bring himself to ask.
Which was all for the best, if his questions would sound even half as pathetic and whiny out loud, as they did inside his mind. Besides, what good would asking do? She either loved him, or she didn't; begging wouldn't change the matter.
Loki needed to have little faith. Too bad he was all out of faith right now.
Loki expected Frigga to say something next, so he was a little startled, when Odin spoke: "Thor. Your mother, and I need to have a word with Loki. In private. Please leave us."
Thor looked surprised, but nodded, doing as he was told, like the dutiful son he was. However, on the last minute, Thor turned back to face Loki. "I'll go now, Loki, but I'll come back soon. Is it okay if I... Will you be alright?"
'Will you be alright without me?'
Loki bit back an acid retort about not needing Thor for anything, mostly because he was more angry at himself than at Thor.
So, instead, Loki smiled as sincere a smile as he could and turned to his brother. Loki knew he must have gotten pretty close to his usual fake-smile-for-Thor's-benefit, since his brother looked exceptionally disturbed by the familiarity of the sudden, obviously fake delight.
"Of course I will be fine, Thor. You really ought to go. We cannot possibly have you present to hear what the Allfather has to say. Odin has, after all, just spent a considerable amount of time and effort to teach you a lesson. The ultimate lesson: always do as your father tells you to. If you stayed now, and learned of all the things your father has done, the ordeals you were put through on Midgard might have all been for naught."
Frigga held Loki's hand tighter, which was probably a warning to behave. Loki did not heed her advice, but turned to Odin next, still the picture of serious sincerity. "If Thor stayed, and heard, how you have broken every rule you ever made, you might fall off the pedestal you have worked so hard and uncompromisingly to put yourself on. We cannot have that, can we?"
Thor creased his forehead in disappointment. "Loki, I know you are going through a hard time, but try to remember that this hasn't been easy on any of us. You can talk to me in this tone, but you would do well to show more respect to your father. He just wants what is best for you."
Although it wasn't surprising that Thor immediately sided with Odin, it still hurt. In Thor's mind, there wasn't even a sliver of doubt that Odin might be the one lying, and Loki the one telling the truth.
Thor claims to love me, but if he really did, would he immediately believe the worst of me?
Loki cast his eyes down. If the tears he was fighting to hold were to spill, he would rather no one saw.
"Loki", Thor's voice was, again, full of concern and regret.
Damn, he noticed. (Who do you think you're fooling?)
Great. Now Loki was mentally arguing with himself again. Which surely wasn't a good sign, or particularly healthy.
With a sad smile and a nod, Frigga gestured to Thor that it was all right for him to leave. And he did, though still obviously unhappy with how the conversation had ended. Loki felt some sympathy for the blond fool. It really wasn't Thor's fault that Loki was such a mess.
"Loki, there are many things we need to talk about." Odin began sternly. "Did you let the Frost Giants into Asgard?"
Loki nodded once, without looking up. He had said as much to Thor; there was no point in straying from his story now.
Odin sighed. "That is a very serious crime. With your actions, you have placed countless lives in jeopardy. Do you see that?"
Loki nodded absently. Considering the amount of time he had spent thinking of the best possible disruption for the coronation ceremony, it was safe to say he had calculated, to the best of his ability, the odds of lives being lost in this endeavor. Though, how much time Loki had devoted to his plot was probably of little comfort to the two guards, who were injured in the assault. Although Asgard had the most advanced medicine in all the realms, the healers had only barely been able to save the guards' lives. Their survival made Loki feel a bit better, but it didn't alter the fact that Loki's plan had been careless and poorly executed. Not one of hie better ones.
Now, at the latest, Loki should probably apologize. He was, after all, sorry for the danger he had put innocent people in, and for the war he had helped initiate. Yet, Loki's feelings towards Odin were of such conflicting nature he couldn't quite bring himself to ask for the king's forgiveness.
"You have acted against your realm, and against your own brother." Odin continued. "I am very disappointed in you, Loki. However, your mother and I have agreed that, so long as you understand the gravity of your offense, and promise never to do this again, there will be no further punishment for this."
He didn't ask, Loki realized. He didn't ask why I did it. Letting the Jotun in, killing myself... any of it.
Numbly, Loki nodded. This was an easy enough promise to make. Not like he was in the habit of letting enemies of Asgard into the realm.
Odin continued the questioning. "After I fell into Odinsleep, you visited Thor on Midgard, and told him I was dead. Why would you say such a thing?"
Loki half-shrugged his shoulders, and winced. Somehow, at the time, it had seemed like a good idea. Loki had wanted to talk to Thor, but couldn't talk about the things that were really on his mind, since they were secrets. Telling Thor about Odin was the only safe and important topic Loki could think of, and, to make matters seem even direr, he had exaggerated. A bit. Because, despite how defeated Thor had looked, Loki was sure Thor was still better off of the two. So, Loki had hurt Thor even more so that they could both feel equally miserable.
In all honesty, despite Frigga's worries about the Odinsleep being too great a burden on the king's health, Loki had never truly doubted that Odin would pull through. Loki simply could not picture an Asgard without Odin, or a life not centered around trying to win Odin's approval. The knowledge that Odin would awaken, had been one of the main things keeping Loki going. He had made all sorts of plans in the hope of proving himself to Odin.
Lying to Thor made little sense. Loki had, even at the time, known he would get caught for it. And yet, he had done it anyway.
Odin's face crumbled a bit. The king was obviously unhappy with Loki's non-answer. Still, what could Odin do? What punishment could Odin threaten Loki with that would be something the desperate young man had not already considered doing to himself? Surely, there wasn't much left Odin could do to hurt him.
Actually, Loki probably should not bet on it. Odin tended to be at his most creative when handing out punishments.
Odin went on: "I have also been informed that you have been to Jotunheim in my absence. What was the nature of your business there?"
A smile formed on the prince's lips. "Just a plan that no longer matters", he replied in a quiet voice. The Jotun King would have waited an hour, tops, at their agreed rendezvous point, before figuring out Loki was not coming, realizing he'd been had, and going home. The Jotun were unlikely to agree to such an arrangement twice, so the window of opportunity for that plan had closed.
"I... I thought I could... lure the Jotun King into a trap, and end the war quickly." Loki's explanation was a streamlined version of his intentions, which had, along with the plan, changed and morphed constantly during Loki's brief time as a king.
Odin rubbed his one eye tiredly. "I would not have asked you to do such things, nor would I have welcomed them. Asgard does not condone trickery or assassination as a means of conducting foreign policy. You know this."
Loki frowned. After all the trickery Odin had had Loki do, for Asgard's benefit, his words now made very little sense. Then again, in Loki's experience, what Odin asked Loki to do and what he secretly wanted Loki to do were two different things entirely. Loki was often left guessing, what it exactly was, that the Allfather wanted him to do, but would not say out loud, for the fear of liability.
"But... it would have worked!" Loki couldn't stop himself from saying. "It would have solved everything. I tried.. there just wasn't enough time."
I could have done it, father. Loki pleaded with his eyes for Odin to understand. For you. For all of us.
Odin's face was passive. "No, Loki. What you suggest was never an option."
Loki's heart sank. It wouldn't have worked? It wouldn't have earned him Odin's respect? He had been so sure this plan was what Odin wanted of him...
Sighing, Odin went on: "I know the throne fell on you very suddenly and under difficult circumstances. Even so, Loki, I would have expected more of you. Have I not taught you that no lasting peace can be achieved through foul play?"
If that is the lesson you have tried to teach me, then why did you, time and time again, ask me to do less than honorable things for you? (Maybe, it just didn't matter, whether I ever learned this lesson or not, because I would never be king. I don't need to know right from wrong, for I will always have you and Thor to put me in my place.).
The only time you even noticed me was when I was up to mischief, either because you were asked to decide my punishment for it, or because you had asked me to do it. 'For Asgard.'
Loki was numb. He did notice from the corner of his eye that Frigga was giving Odin a meaningful look. As the Allfather continued, his tone was softer. "And then, there is this matter of your injury."
Loki winced again. This time, the reaction had nothing to do with physical exertion.
"Loki, you have brought great grief on your family. How could you think this was something any of us would approve of, or want of you?" Odin looked beyond tired.
Loki kept his face down. Had he done this for his family, who would be better of without him, or for himself, as a way out? A bit of both, he supposed.
"Loki." Frigga gently lifted his chin, so that he would meet her gaze. "We are your family, and we love you. I am so sorry for not saying this clearly earlier. Even if you are not ours by blood, we still consider you our son in all the ways that matter, and we care for you greatly. Never doubt that."
Loki looked to Odin to see if he concurred. Meeting his gaze, Odin nodded once. "Your mother is right. You are, and will always be, our son, and a brother to Thor."
Loki's mind seemed to move sluggishly. Usually he could always spot a lie, but, right now, he wanted to believe in their words so much that he couldn't even begin to decipher whether they were the truth or not. It was like there was a burst of wind in his mind drowning out all sensible deductions.
He startled a little when Frigga stroke her hand across his cheek, a sad but hopeful smile in her eyes. "Loki, if you ever feel unsure, you can always come and talk to me about it. Surely, you know this?"
Loki swallowed and nodded. Even as he did so, he knew he was lying. Although lying was a vice, surely he could be allowed a little white lie to spare Frigga's feelings?
In truth, Loki had obviously known no such thing. He had tried to talk to her, but all she wanted to talk about was Odin's sleep and Thor's banishment. Loki's worries had not seemed to be a priority to her, at the time. But, again, it was all Loki's fault. He was the one who misunderstood.
Frigga smiled a bit brighter for a moment, and then turned more serious. "And Loki, you have to promise me that you do not to try anything like this ever again. I would not know what I'd do if I ever lost either of you. I am your mother, and, to me, you will always be my little baby boys."
There were tears in her eyes at the last words. Without thinking about it, Loki lifted his hand to wipe them away, and promised: "I won't. I'm sorry. Please don't cry."
Loki was probably lying again, but he was just so good at it.
Frigga smiled through her tears, and gently squeezed Loki's left hand, which she still held in hers. "We will get through this. Together, as a family, and then everything will be back the way it was. You'll see."
To Frigga's side, Odin nodded.
Loki swallowed hard, but could not say anything. They were being so nice to him, even after he had been such a terrible son and king, and had caused them so much worry. They said they were willing to take him back. Loki should have thanked them; the least he could do was show some gratitude.
The fault was in Loki if he did not accept this second chance; this most generous offer to make everything go back exactly the way it was. Any decent person would have jumped at the opportunity, but since Loki was a monster, he just sat there, and fought back tears. Once again, his silver-tongue had turned to lead.
When Loki looked to Odin again, a thought occurred to him. If this was all Odin had come here to say, why had he asked Thor to leave? The Thunderer happened to be in on all the family secrets discussed in this brief session.
And then it hit Loki. Obvious, really. Thor had not been asked to leave, because Odin was planning to reveal things his true son was not supposed to know of. Thor had to leave, because Odin feared that Loki might choose to say something out of line. Usually, the king could count on Loki's discretion, but now that Loki was certifiably crazy, who knew what he might do or say next.
Loki felt like laughing. Did Odin really think that there was any risk of Loki revealing his dirty little secrets, and have a single person in all of Asgard believe his word over Odin's? People called Loki the God of Lies. He was always guilty until proven innocent.
"You should rest", Odin stated, and patted Loki's leg once; briefly and awkwardly, the movement entirely unfamiliar.
"Yes, you must be tired", Frigga fussed. "Do rest, my son. The healers said that it will take at least a few more days until you are fully recovered. I will be here, when you awaken. I'll stay with you."
Loki wasn't tired. Not physically. He felt empty.
This conversation had not gone the way he had expected it to. Loki had pictured there to be more shouting and crying. More desperate explanations. More answers to the question 'why'; why he had done all he had.
But they had not asked, so there had been no need for such drama. Everything was peaceful in the land of the Gods.
Loki needed to think, but he couldn't do so with both of them there, and so he just nodded.
Odin took a step closer to him, which caused Loki to startle. Whatever the king had intended to do, he apparently thought better of it, and opted to just say: "We will talk more once you are healed."
With those parting words, the Allfather left.
ooo
Hogun, Volstagg, and Sif were up, despite the late hour. Partly, because none had anywhere better to be, or anything better to do than hang around and wait. They were starting to get worried for Thor. The man barely slept and ate, so busy was he looking after his unconscious brother, and Thor's friends were starting to become truly concerned. One of the warriors might have even been pacing across the floor in front of the fireplace, if any of them were at all inclined to do such a thing.
As it was, Volstagg was sitting on one of the big couches, looking surprisingly uncomfortable. Hogun was standing stoically in front of the fireplace. Sif sat upright in one of the armchairs, her attention purposefully keenly on the fire. There were no words spoken; the reason for the somber silence was clear enough to everyone present.
The scene was disturbed by Fandral's arrival. "I come bearing news, at last. Loki has awaken."
The words must have held magic in them, Fandral thought, for such was their effect on the room. Sif, never one happy with waiting around, got up. Volstagg perked up considerably, and even Hogun turned his attention to Fandral.
Sif was the first to speak. "When?"
"No more than an hour ago, or so I hear."
Sif looked thoughtful, and was about to say something more, when Volstagg beat her to the punch: "And how is the poor chap?"
Fandral lifted his eyebrow and shrugged. "Better, I reckon, but I honestly wouldn't know. It's not like I've been to see him. I only caught some gossip on the corridors."
"From the mouths of servant maidens, I'm sure", Sif muttered. Fandral gave her a dazzling smile, though he was a little offended that his friend thought him so uncaring as to resume his womanizing activities so soon after a disaster had struck, and while his close friend was still grieving.
Perhaps, it is better to pretend like things are slowly returning to normal, Fandral thought, and thus made no attempt to contradict her. Gods know we could do with some normality after all that has happened around here. Who knew a disaster striking Loki could affect us all so much. I never realized how much Loki contributed to things around here. I never thought that I would sort of... miss him.
As much as Loki was trouble, Fandral had to admit that life was more interesting with him in it.
"Is Thor with him?" Sif pressed on.
"I should think so", Fandral provided. "The entire family has been summoned, but I think Thor was there when Loki woke up."
Sif nodded, and sat back down. Fandral, too, took a seat. Sif asked nothing more, but Fandral couldn't help but notice something was still bothering her.
Volstagg looked between his friends hesitantly. "Do you think we should... go see him?"
"No. It's too early", Sif said. Her words sounded confident, but her eyes betrayed a conflict; she wasn't entirely sure what they should do.
"We have not been summoned. This is between family", Hogun provided. Sif nodded to him gratefully. Volstagg nodded, too, but also frowned in thought. The group fell back into silence, though this time, a thoughtful one.
Eventually, the redheaded man could keep quiet no longer: "Do the rest of you ever get the feeling that this whole mess is, in a away, our fault?"
Fandral blinked in surprise. He had noticed Volstagg was uncomfortable about something of late, but he hadn't seen this turn of conversation coming. "What? Why? Why would any of this be our fault?"
"We went with Thor to Jotunheim. If we hadn't..." Volstagg appeared to be trying to put in words the vague sense of guilt they all more or less shared on the matter.
"Thor would have gone, with or without us. You know what he is like, when he gets his mind set on something." Sif stated evenly. They had had this conversation before. "We did warn him of the consequences, but Thor would not be swayed."
"And, perhaps, that is our fault, as well, for always letting Thor have his way in the past." Volstagg pointed out.
Sif looked very thoughtful, then closed her eyes, and sighed. "Perhaps, you are right. Perhaps we could have done more to protect Thor. However, I am not convinced even that would have changed the outcome. Loki let the Jotun into Asgard, which means he planned this whole thing from the start, and you know how watertight Loki's schemes can be. Perhaps, there was no other way things could have played out for Thor, regardless of what we did."
Volstagg looked shocked. Even though Fandral pretty much agreed with Sif on everything the woman had just said, even he was mildly surprised that Sif would have the nerve to speak so bluntly, when the mood in the palace was what it was. It wasn't customary to speak ill of those, who had passed on to Valhalla, or of those, whose faith was still uncertain.
It just wasn't done.
"How could you say such a thing?" Volstagg boomed. "To accuse Loki of everything, while he is so unwell!"
Sif looked a little upset. "Oh, come on! We are all thinking about it."
While Volstagg was still trying to come up with something to say, Hogun spoke up: "Although it was our initial assumption that Loki was behind all that transpired on Thor's coronation day, I'm not so convinced of it now."
Sif turned to the grim warrior, frowning. "Hogun, you were the one most suspicious of Loki. The one who said he had to be behind Thor's banishment."
Hogun appeared undisturbed, even impartial to the conversation. "Suspicion seemed prudent at the time, but much has happened after I first voiced my doubts. Odin's decision to banish Thor was a great surprise to us all. I doubt even Loki could have foreseen it, and, even if he did, and it was all a part of his plan, why did said plan end so badly for Loki?"
Sif rolled her eyes. "I'll tell you why: because we put an end to Loki's plan by retrieving Thor and exposing the younger prince's lies. After Loki realized his plan had failed, he was too much of a coward to face Thor, us, and his rightful punishment, and so he found a way to wiggle out of it. He has always been at his most creative, when finding ways to weasel out of punishments."
"No. I don't believe that", Volstagg stated stubbornly, and got up. "Loki was acting differently long before things came to a headlong collision, remember? Was that not the reason we knew something was amiss in the first place? I am certain that, what Loki did, he did not do on a whim, or because he was trying to avoid harm befalling him. Truly, what worse harm could have come to Loki's being and reputation from any punishment Odin could have passed on him?"
Fandral didn't like it when his best friends were arguing, and was reluctant to get involved, but he had to step up at this. "Volstagg, you are probably right in saying Loki was sincere in his attempt to... I'm sure none of us truly question that. But that does not mean Sif is entirely wrong in saying Loki brought this on himself, when he arranged for Thor to be banished. He who digs a pit for another, shall fall into it himself, and all that."
Volstagg was starting to turn red. "Loki was so upset that he tried to take his own life! How can we call ourselves his friends, when we not only didn't notice anything of the sort going on, but, better yet, completely abandoned Loki when he needed our help the most?"
"We didn't abandon Loki, he pushed us away", Fandral pointed out.
"Really? I think we all noticed how strangely Loki started acting after Thor's banishment. He was so quiet, and then he was suddenly picking a fight with everyone. It wasn't like of him. We all knew something was bothering him, but did we ask him what it was? No! We were too busy worrying over Thor, so we just made our own assumptions, and placed all the blame on him. But now, is it really so impossible for you to think Loki was upset, because his brother was gone, and it was his fault? Even if Loki let the Jotun in, I doubt he intended for us to nearly die on Jotunheim, or for Thor to get banished as a result. You said it yourself, Sif: sometimes, there is just no talking Thor out of an idea he's gotten in his head."
Sif uncrossed her arms and pushed herself to the edge of her seat. "Well, if Loki is such a decent and loving brother, why did he ruin Thor's coronation, and put all of Asgard in danger? Better yet, if he missed his brother so much, why didn't Loki let us go and get Thor back when the king fell into Odinsleep?"
Volstagg looked positively grim. "I don't know. But I do know this: in all these years, Loki may have gotten on our nerves countless times, but he never let us down, when the situation was truly serious. How many times has he saved us all from certain death with his words or magics? How can you all now be so unanimous and certain that Loki, the same Loki who never bailed on us before, and even saved our lives not a week ago, is a traitor?"
Unconsciously, Fandral reached for the now almost entirely healed wound that could have been the death of him back on Jotunheim if Loki hadn't shown up and slain the Jotun attacking him. When he realized what he was doing, Fandral lowered his hand, but not quickly enough to avoid Sif giving him a stern look.
"Still, Volstagg, dear friend. Things are complicated, I give you that, but what makes you say that this mess is somehow our doing?" Fandral tried to clarify.
"The timing", Volstagg said solemnly. "How do you explain that? The moment we left Asgard, the moment we went against Loki's orders, he tries to... How could it be a coincidence? If we presume, Loki wasn't to be blamed for everything that happened to Thor, then how can we justify the way we treated Loki, our friend, in turn? How could we not be responsible for this?"
Fandral really didn't want to think about this, but now that Volstagg put it like that...
If Loki had betrayed all of Asgard, it would more than justify everything they had done, but if Loki wasn't as evil as they had presumed, their own actions started to look completely out of proportion. Things had just escalated so rapidly. One minute, they were toying with the possibility that Loki might have let the Jotun in, and the next minute Loki was on the throne, they were all convinced he would be the death of Asgard, and plotted treason with none other than the Allseeing Gatekeeper. It just... got out of hand, and none of them stopped to even consider, whether their original presumption about Loki being a traitor held or not.
"Volstagg", Sif stated calmly. "You have a good heart, and you are a good friend. And so I shall say to you, what I have already said to Thor: you shouldn't take this all on yourself. Loki is trouble. He has always been trouble, and will always be trouble. We saw a problem, and acted to the best of our ability to solve it, given the knowledge we had at the time. We did the right thing, and you troubling yourself with all the what-ifs isn't going to change that. The fact still stands that it was Loki and Loki alone that took that blade into his hand with the purpose of inflicting injury on himself. It is Loki, and no one else, who should be held accountable for his own mistakes."
"You have told me no such thing, Lady Sif!" boomed a familiar voice.
All the warriors startled, and turned to the doorway. By the entrance stood none other than Thor, God of Thunder.
"Thor, I didn't..." Sif tried to amend, but was cut off.
"What? Did you not mean to suggest my brother, who is going through a very hard time, has had all this coming, because he has a history of getting into trouble?!" Thor was all thunder and lighting.
"Thor", Sif pressed on. "Of course none of us are happy to see Loki in this state; I only meant to point out that it was not any one individual's responsibility to look after him."
"Of course it was", Thor was exasperated, but added a bit more calmly. "I am his big brother. It is my responsibility to keep my little brother safe. Always."
The Warriors Four exchanged worried glances. They were used to handling Thor, when he was all thunder and lighting, but they had no idea how to act around Thor, who was full of self-doubt.
Fandral secretly hoped that the Allfather would relent already, and give Thor his powers back. In Fandral's opinion, a good portion of Thor's newly gained introspection was caused by frustration at having no idea, what he was expected to do to prove his worth and to regain his title.
Jumping at a chance to get the Thunderer distracted from his thoughts, Fandral asked: "We hear you have been to see Loki. How is he fairing?"
Thor still looked like he was trying to solve a complicated puzzle in his head, but answered, regardless. "He... he is awake now. And we talked some. It would be a stretch to say he is feeling much better, but I think I now have a better idea of what all is wrong, and, most importantly, how I can make it better."
"That is good news", Volstagg commented, in earnest. "Did he... did he say what it was that made him...?"
"Well, yes and no", Thor pondered. "My talk with mother had already given me some ideas, but now that I've spoken with Loki, I believe the problems run even deeper than what I had originally presumed."
Thor sank on to one of the sofas, waving his hands powerlessly. He slowly continued to speak, struggling to find the right words. "My brother, I just... I had no idea just how much he questions things I wouldn't even think to. He... he doesn't think that his company is wanted. He is not even sure that the people closest to him care for him. Loki, he seems to think that people always expect the worst of him, and that no one in Asgard wants him here."
Oh crap. Now Fandral was truly grateful that Thor had not been present to hear the entirety of their earlier conversation. And, officially, feeling guilty for what had happened to Loki. Locking eyes with Volstagg, he could see the red-haired man's thoughts were on the same lines.
"Um, well, is there anything we can do to help...?", Fandral began nervously, and was then struck with an idea. "I mean, if the problem is that Loki doesn't think his presence is wanted, isn't the easiest way to prove him wrong for as many people as possible to visit him? So that Loki will know that he is missed."
Thor's eyes moved rapidly for a moment, but soon his face spread into a wide smile. "That is a brilliant idea, Fandral. That is what we shall do."
Another thought crossed Thor's mind, and made him frown and add: "Though, I think I should run this by mother first. She seems to have a better idea about what might be helpful."
Fandral wasn't exactly looking forward to meeting Loki, after something like this; the conversation was sure to be incredibly awkward. Still, he was happy to hear there was something they could do to help Thor, and Loki, alike. It wasn't often Fandral suffered from guilty conscience, but whenever he did, it wouldn't let him rest until he got some closure.
()()()
A/N
It was suggested to me in a review that the guards in the Weapons Vault didn't necessarily have to die, so I saved them. Because I could (one of the benefits of writing AU).
While Loki's conversation with Thor was messy, it was at least honest, where as his conversation with his parents is anything but. I actually thought about letting Odin of the hook, but couldn't. Two words: 'No, Loki'. Even if Odin is deep down a decent person, and just terrible at showing it, saying those words, and only those two words, to someone you care about, when he is hanging on a thread, is the same as kicking him on the fingers. Unforgivable.
Even though the Bifrost scene didn't happen in my fic, it still affects my head canon; there is simply no way Odin could say what he said, and expect Loki to react any other way than he did. Which kind of means that at least a part of Odin wished Loki had the decency to die already. Of course, Odin didn't approve of what Loki had done, but he had plenty of time to say something else on top of the disapproval. Like 'Loki, I didn't want you to do this, but I have always been proud of you." or "No, Loki, I don't approve of what you have done, but I still love you." or "I know, Loki. Now please get up from there. I can't loose you." There are certain failings that cannot be overlooked.