Jeez, so much talking. Hard to make humor.

Chapter 3: Pass or Fail? Fail. A Whole Lotta Fail.

"Well, that was a close call."

"I still can't believe I just watched a man cockblock himself."

"Indeed."

"So, uh, Kurama, if you don't mind my asking. . ."

"Yes?"

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THE PLAN BACK THERE?"

Kurama grinned sheepishly and shrugged.

"To be honest, I was kind of playing it by ear."

"So that whole, 'helping a few confused kids' thing was total bullshit?" Yoko only half-asked.

"I was working with what I had," Kurama replied, slightly annoyed.

"Heh. Whatever. This just doesn't seem like you."

"Tell me we have something better to do."

"Fair point. Just leave me out of it," Yoko said dismissively, reclining with his eyes closed.

"Really? I'd think you'd be the one leading the charge on this," Kurama tried to goad him a bit.

"Peh. Yeah. But knowing you," Yoko cracked an eye, "you're aiming for some long-term, relationship, love crap. You wanna get him f_ed, I'm your man."

"Yes, yes," Kurama told him, waving his hand dismissively, "If I want an orgy, you'll be the first one I call. You're on my orgy hotline." Yoko stared askance at him, his brow both raised and scrunched together.

"That came out wrong."

Yoko lost it, and laughed until he couldn't breathe.

Naruto ate his lunch in solitude in his classroom, as the remaining students filed in from their break. In short order, the jounin teachers came to retrieve their squads: the elegant, red-eyed Kurenai, the gruff, bearded Asuma, and several others not worth noting. After the initial commotion had died down, the students filed out in orderly fashion, but team seven was left without a sensei. Naruto paced and grumbled, looking out the door every few seconds, while Sakura sighed a lot, and Sasuke brooded.

"Hey 'Rama?"

"Yeah?"

"Where'd he get a stepstool?"

"God only knows."

"Hey! What are you doing?" Sakura cried out as Naruto set up a footstool before the door, an eraser in hand. Naruto snickered mischievously as he wedged the eraser in the door, to fall on the head of whoever entered next.

"Really? This is what we do in Japan? We have to use erasers instead of water buckets? God, I hate this country."

"Which would explain why you've lived in it for most of your life, outside Demon World."

"F_ you."

Kurama smiled. In the meantime, the kids were arguing about the prank, but they were cut short when their sensei entered the room. He awkwardly stuck his head in first and was conked by the eraser. Naruto laughed and mocked the jounin, Sakura apologized and groveled, and Sasuke brooded. Slowly, their instructor bent over and picked up the eraser, considering it with his other hand on his chin. "Hmm . . . how can I put this," he said at length, "My first impression of this group. . ." He paused dramatically. "You're a bunch of idiots."

"Ditto, bro."

"Indeed."

"Alright, why don't you introduce yourselves, one at a time."

The newly formed squad had moved to the roof for introductions and instructions. The three students sat on a set of shallow steps that spanned the roof, while their sensei reclined against the railing.

"Introduce ourselves? Well. . .what are we supposed to say?" Sakura asked.

"Things you like, things you hate," her sensei replied boredly, "dreams. . .for the future, hobbies, things like that."

"Why don't you tell us stuff first, I mean, before we talk, tell us about you, so we can see how it's supposed to work," Naruto replied, confused.

"God, kid, this is not that hard."

"Me? I'm Kakashi Hatake. Things I like and things I hate. . .I don't feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future. . .never really thought about it. As for my hobbies. . .eh. . .I have lots of hobbies."

"M'kay. In other words, F_ you, kid."

"Okay, your turn. You on the right, you first," Kakashi told Naruto.

"Believe it! I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I like instant. . ." he began, while Yoko sighed with his head in one hand.

"Blah, blah, blah, ramen, blah, blah, blah, Hokage. Ramen, ramen, hokage, God this kid like to hear himself talk."

"No wonder you two get along so well," Kurama replied with his arms crossed. Yoko flipped him off.

". . . Somebody important!" Naruto finished. Yoko snorted.

"Yeah, fat chance kid."

"All right, next," Kakashi commanded, still sounding like he was bored out of his mind.

"I'm Sakura Haruno!" Sakura piped up cheerily, "What I like. . .Uh. . . I mean, the person I like is. . ."

"Duck-ass."

"Uh, my hobby is, uh. . ."

"Stalking Duck-ass."

"My dream for the future is . . ."

"To ride Duck-ass's co—"

"Must you do the running commentary?" Kurama cut him off, dropping his arms and sighing.

"Fine, I won't say anything until Duck-ass is finished, spoil sport," Yoko replied, crossing his arms and looking away.

"Last one." Kakashi said simply. Sakura giggled again.

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha," the dark haired boy began without moving or showing any emotion, "I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and destroy a certain someone." Kakashi stared blankly at the boy. Silence reigned for a full minute.

"Wow, this Sasuke kid needs to get laid."

"Yoko, you say that about everyone," Kurama told him, rolling his eyes.

"So? Doesn't make it less true," Yoko justified, "Look, all I'm saying is he could use a girlfriend to mellow him out a bit. Besides, I don't think bubblegum here needs to get laid." Kurama raised an eyebrow at him. "She needs a bitch-slap. And Tropicana-jumpsuit over there needs a girlfriend and a bitch-slap. And probably some Ritalin." Kurama sighed and rolled his eyes again.

"Oh? And what does their sensei need?" Kurama asked, gesturing to the man on the railing.

"Him? He needs to get laid."

Kurama hung his head, but held up one finger, acknowledging the point.

"Okay, I walked right into that one."

Everyone was grumpy the next morning, especially as their sensei was nowhere to be found once they had reached the training ground he had directed them to.

"This still doesn't make any sense."

"What, the survival exercise?" Yoko yawned.

"Yes. He said the purpose was to weed out candidates. But then why the squads?" Kurama mused, stroking his chin, "Ninja teams operate in four-man squads, don't they?"

"Yeah, and?" Yoko asked, reclining on his back and yawning.

"Why would they form squads just to eliminate some and re-form the squads? And why did he tell them not to eat breakfast? The proper thing to do is eat a light breakfast that's easy to digest. Nothing he said makes sense. . ." Kurama trailed off.

"Give it a rest, will ya?"

"Fine."

"GRAH, WHY AM I ALWAYS WAITING?"

It had been five hours since the three had arrived. Very little had been said between them, and Yoko was beginning to go out of his mind.

"Perhaps it's punishment for your past sins," Kurama chided.

"Well if it is, God's a total dick," Yoko replied dismissively.

"Come on," Kurama began teasingly, "we both know God." He paused. "And yeah, I guess he kind of is," he finally conceded, shrugging. Yoko merely growled.

"Morning everyone. Ready for your first day?" Kakashi had finally arrived.

"Hey! You're late!" all three children cried in unison. Yoko yawned and stood up, muttering something profane.

"Well, a black cat crossed my path, so I had to take the long way," Kakashi explained with a smile. Yoko burst out laughing.

"I like this guy. He just doesn't give a rat's ass about anything," he said through snickers.

Kakashi proceeded to explain the exercise. Each candidate had to take a bell from their sensei by noon. No bell, no lunch, and the failures would be tied up and forced to watch the others eat.

"Well, that answers one question," Kurama said, brows furrowed.

Sakura noticed there were only two bells in his hand, and Kakashi explained that was to ensure someone's failure. "Still makes no sense," Kurama muttered. Kakashi allowed the use of weapons, despite Sakura's protests and Naruto's taunts.

"When I say start, you can begin," Kakashi finished. Suddenly, Naruto pulled a kunai from his holster and charged straight at his sensei.

"Oh, God, here we go," Yoko sighed, rubbing half of his face, "Dumbass." Before anyone could blink, Kakashi was behind the boy, holding Naruto's arm behind him so the kunai was at the boy's own neck.

"Don't be in such a hurry," Kakashi scolded him, "I didn't say start yet." Sasuke and Sakura stepped back in shock, while Kurama and Yoko merely sighed. "But," Kakashi began again, "you came at me with the full intention of destroying me so. . .how can I say this? I'm actually starting to like you guys. Get ready. Aaaaaand. . .Start!"

"I don't believe this."

Kakashi and Naruto stared each other down in the middle of the field. The other two trainees had hidden themselves, badly.

"They do realize the whole point of 'cover' is to not have a giant hole in your cover, right?"

"Apparently not. Although, they are still ahead of us; Naruto seems to think the best cover is grinning like an idiot."

"You know, compared to the others, you're a little bit. . ." Kakashi began

"Hyper?"

"Retarded?"

"Weird," Kakashi finished.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto shot back, "The only thing weird here is your haircut!"

"Oh, scathing."

"That's also hardly the only thing weird here. It's probably one of the most normal."

Naruto charged his sensei once again, but stopped short as Kakashi reached into his satchel. To everyone's surprise, he pulled out an orange book, and began reading. When Naruto asked why, Kakashi simply replied, "Why? To find out what happens in the story of course."

Yoko laughed and added, "God, I love this guy."

"Don't let it bother you," Kakashi began again, "with your weak attacks, it doesn't really matter if I'm reading or . . . whatever." Naruto growled fiercely and charged again.

"I'm going to crush you!" was his battle cry. His attack was completely ineffectual. True to his word, reading in no way inhibited Kakashi's ability to block and duck, as well as to mysteriously vanish and appear behind his assailant.

"Don't let your enemy get behind you all the time," Kakashi chided.

"Oh shit!" Yoko suddenly cried out.

"What?" Kurama asked, concerned.

"Tha—that's" Yoko stuttered.

"Too late," Kakashi said, as cool as ever, before he yelled, "Leaf Village Secret Finger Jutsu! One Thousand Years of Death!" He stabbed Naruto with two fingers, right in the behind, and sent him flying into a nearby river.

"That's the most powerful jutsu known to man." Yoko said solemnly, now that he had recovered.

"WHAT?" Kurama cried in disbelief.

"Well, yeah. I mean, he didn't do the whole 'focus his chakra and rip him to pieces from the inside out' thing, but still pretty effective." Yoko replied, nodding his head with his arms crossed.

"I honestly can't tell when you're pulling my leg anymore. How do you know all this?" Kurama asked, blinking.

"Oh, come on. You're not the only one who studies."

"Yes, but I don't prop a Playboy in front of my text book."

"Hey, those things are out of print by now, they're very collectable," Yoko replied, nodding; but his eyes suddenly went wide. "Oh shit. I forgot who I left in charge back at the lair! All my treasure is in danger."

"Serves you right for trying to continue robbing and plundering."

"Please, Kurama, we all agreed on this. The correct term now is 'treasure hunting.'"

"I still don't know how you got Koenma to agree to that."

Yoko merely smiled.

Meanwhile, Naruto had fished himself out of the river. Kakashi taunted him a bit about his empty stomach before walking away. As soon as his back was turned, a group of Naruto's shadow clones leapt from the river and ran at the jounin. They merely served as a distraction, however; as Kakashi was once again taunting Naruto's lack of skill, he was grabbed from behind. Soon, all the clones had grabbed onto Kakashi, holding him in place. "This is for nailing me in the butt earlier!" Naruto yelled as he leapt at his sensei. Yoko snickered at his choice of words, but Kurama was a little more focused.

"No! Go for the bell!" He screamed. Naruto was unable to change his trajectory, however, and proceeded to punch. . .himself. In the blink of an eye, Kakashi was replaced by another Naruto clone. All of the clones proceeded to fight over who was the imposter. That is, physically fight. Kurama sighed and held his head, rubbing the side of his temple; Yoko laughed out loud at the stupidity. Once Naruto had dispersed his clones, he looked around to find himself alone in the field. A small gleam caught his eye by a nearby tree. "A bell?!" he cried in surprise, "I must have got to him with my attack. He dropped a bell!"

"He—He couldn't possibly be that stupid. Could he?" Kurama asked, visibly worried about the answer. Naruto ran towards the bell, laughing.

"He could."

Suddenly Naruto was lifted from the ground by his legs and was left swinging from a tree, tied by his ankles, complaining all the while. Kakashi walked over and picked up the bell, lecturing Naruto on obvious traps as Kurama beat his head on the wall of his cell.

"A ninja must" *thunk* "see through" *thunk* "deception." *thunk*

"Take it easy 'Rama," Yoko tried to calm him down, "My emergency flask is here, if you need it." Yoko reached into his robe and withdrew a small, silver flask, shaking it welcomingly.

"How did you even—" Kurama began, but cut himself off.

Yoko shrugged and hummed 'I dunno.' "But I don't question good fortune." He held out the flask for several moments, but tucked it back when Kurama made no motion to take it. "We'll just save that for later, then." He looked up. "Now, what's been going on top—oh hey, shuriken." They both returned their focus to the outside world, just in time to see Kakashi take eight shuriken to the side of the face. Predictably, he turned into a log, as both Sasuke and Sakura sprang into motion to change position.

"God, you all suck."

"Indeed."

Several screams rang out throughout the forest.

"Okay, Marie Antoinette, Martha Washington, and Cathrine the Great."

"Well, if I married Marie, she'd take down my empire . . . and I think I 'd have to kill Cathrine . . ."

"Oh, hey, he cut himself down."

"3...2...1..."

"And he's back up. You were saying?"

"Kurama, how are we supposed to help a kid who's too stubborn to listen to us? He's literally too dumb to live."

Kurama shrugged. "We're smart. We'll figure something out."

Naruto had once again cut himself down after spying his sensei's bentos on the Konoha Memorial Stone. He laughed evilly. "Sensei told us if we don't get a bell, then we don't get any lunch, but if I eat my lunch now, then there's nothing he can do. It's chowtime!"

"2. . .1. . ."

"Hi there."

"AAAAAAhhhhhh...I was just joking, sensei."

"Nice try."

"What is it with getting tied up today?"

All these students were gathered again in front of two bentos; Naruto was tied to a post for his previous attempt on the boxes.

"Uh-oh, stomach's growling huh? That's too bad," Kakashi taunted. "Oh, by the way, about this exercise? Well, I've decided. I won't send any of you back to the academy."

"What? I passed?" Sakura asked, shocked, "All I did was faint and fall over. Do you get points for that?"

"Truly, you are a hero to your gender."

Sakura and Naruto began an exuberant celebration, but Kakashi spoke again, "That's right. All three of you . . . are being dropped from the program. Permanently."

Silence.

Then the hissy fit.

"You can't just change your mind and kick us out! Why would you do that?" Naruto was practically foaming at the mouth, struggling against his bonds.

"Because you don't think like ninja," Kakashi explained. "You think like little kids. Like brats."

"Normally, I'd be inclined to agree with you," Kurama began with his head tilted, "however, given the fact that they're twelve years old . . . "

"Yeah, how does it feel to be the only mature adult here?" Yoko asked his fellow fox with a toothy grin.

Just then Sasuke charged at his sensei. Kurama sighed.

"You think it's all about you," Kakashi said from atop his student, having easily disarmed the charge, "You don't know what it means to be a ninja. You think it's a game, huh? Why do you think we put you on squads? Did you ever consider that question for one moment?"

"I—I don't know what you mean," Sakura said nervously.

"I mean," Kakashi continued, "you never realized what this exercise is all about. Not even close."

"Maybe they never expected you to lie to them," Kurama put in annoyed.

"What it's about?" Naruto was baffled.

"Wait, you figured it out?" Yoko was also confused.

"Yes," Kakashi replied to Naruto, "that's what determines whether you pass or fail."

"It's a teamwork thing," Kurama replied to Yoko during the break in conversation, "he tricked them."

"But that's—I mean, I wanted to ask you about that from the beginning," Sakura offered, still nervous.

"Tch. Use your head," Kakashi scoffed, "Three people on a squad, why do you think we would do that?"

Naruto growled loudly, "How are we supposed to know why you picked three people? We didn't make the rules!"

"It's so basic," Kakashi had moved from anger to exasperation, "Teamwork!"

Silence.

"Just working together? Is that what you mean?" Sakura offered.

"That's what I mean," Kakashi answered, "It's too late now, but if all three of you came at me, you might have been able to take them. Well, anyway, it's over."

"Yeah, okay, I take it back. This guy's an ass."

"Have to agree there."

Suddenly, Sakura caught on. "You set it up with three people, but only two bells. If we worked together and got the bells, only two of us could keep them; that would lead to group conflict and the squad would break up."

"Exactly," Kakashi sighed, "I purposely pitted you against each other. I wanted to see if you could overcome that and put the squad ahead of yourselves. A genin should—"

"God, this guy likes to hear himself talk," Yoko butted in.

"You keep running into that today. Must be why you liked him so much; you have so much in common," Kurama retorted, crossing his arms and closing his eyes.

"Takes one to know one, eh?" Yoko snorted and rolled his eyes. "Anyway," he continued, "while he's lecturing them on the dangers of trusting someone over thirty, what's our next move? If blondie's being dropped—oh hey, kunai—we're gonna have a whole lotta nothing to do."

"Hmmm..." Kurama pursed his lips, "Well, there's always the possibility he's a bit of a rogue; he may not actually be able to drop us. But I'm not convinced there's nothing more afoot here." Yoko snorted again, before Kurama looked up and continued, "He's apparently determined to get his name on the war memorial now; being a martyr might be fun. But yes, I agree, otherwise, we'll drive each other crazy in here."

Yoko snickered.

"You'd make a good martyr. You made a pretty good career out of getting the shit kicked outta you."

Kurama smiled. "I made a very good career out of it." They shared a small laugh before turning their attention back to the outside world. Things had gotten too quiet.

"Alright," Kakashi suddenly spoke, "I'm going to give you one more chance."

"Here it comes."

"You'll have three hours to get a bell. Eat lunch now to build up strength. But! Naruto doesn't get any."

"There it is. If they don't get this, they really don't deserve to graduate."

"It's your punishment for breaking the rules and trying to eat by yourself. And if anyone tries to feed him, that person will immediately fail."

"That's . . . actually pretty weak. What the hell? That's almost too easy! The logic sucks on its face!"

"I make the rules. You follow them. Got it?"

"Foxes have always had issues following the rules."

Sasuke and Sakura ate in silence. Except, of course, for the sound of Naruto's stomach growling. Despite his vehement protests that he could last forever without food, his stomach continued to call him out on it. Sasuke sighed and offered his bento with a simple "Here." Kurama breathed out in relief.

"They finally got it."

"Huh?" Sakura asked in shock, "No Sasuke, you can't do that! You heard what the sensei said!"

"Oh my God, really?!" Kurama cried in exasperation, "She's supposed to be the smart one!" He groaned and held his head with one hand.

"Take it easy there bro. Duck-ass has got this."

"I can only handle so much stupidity for so long," Kurama sighed.

"How the hell did you put up with Kuwabara for so long?"

"Yukina liked him," Kurama replied, smiling, "And usually his antics didn't have a lasting effect on my life."

"So you just had a soft spot for short-stack's sister?" Yoko laughed, "What is it with you and the blue-haired chicks?"

"She was a sweetheart," Kurama retorted, "and besides, Kuwabara wasn't that dumb."

"I notice you aren't denying the blue hair thing," Yoko calmly replied, smiling.

"Oh, knock it off."

"Hey, tender moment, Pinky's feeding the loudmouth."

Both foxes smiled as Naruto bit the small bit of rice from Sakura's chopsticks, right before a huge cloud of smoke exploded on the field.

"YOU!" Kakashi yelled, emerging from the smoke, "You broke the rules. I hope you're ready for the punishment." He made several handsigns, summoning a cover of dark clouds and lightning.

"Dude! I've gotta figure out how to do that!"

"Any last words?" Kakashi asked.

"We win."

"You're an asshole."

"B-b-but you said. . ." Naruto began nervously.

"Yes?" Kakashi prompted, with a dangerous look in his eye.

"You said that there were three of us! That's what you said! And that's why . . . Sakura . . . and . . ." Naruto trailed off, but that was enough. Sasuke and Sakura jumped to his defense, proclaiming the good of the team; the three of them are one, they said.

"The three of you are one? That's your excuse?" Kakashi leaned down to look them in the eye as he spoke.

"Hmph. You pass," He said smiling.

"Kurama?"

"Yeah?"

"At the risk of repeating myself, what is with this kid and getting tied up?"

"A better question is: what kind of a team leaves a teammate tied up to starve, directly following a lecture on teamwork?"

"Really, if they're not careful, he's going to get a bondage fetish."

"You're not even listening to me are you?"

"You better take care of that during your whole, 'get him a nice girl' plot, I don't want to have to watch any kinky shit."

"Yoko, really? You are the king of, as you put it, 'kinky shi—' wait a minute."

"What?"

"If we're stuck in him until he grows up. . .and if he gets married. . .Yoko, we're closing our eyes for that."

"Heh, heh. Maybe you are. I'll be right there, giving him tips straight from the master. Hey you think if I sent some chakra his way I could make his—"

"Yoko, please!"

Next Time: Yoko talks about behavioral disorders, biology and bureaucracy. And I try to move as fast as possible.

P.S. Fun fact: Sasuke throws six shuriken (and kunai) at Kakashi, but there are twelve stuck in the log after the substitution. A/N