Running, but getting nowhere. The ground beneath my feet never moved, and I felt like I was running in slow motion. The air became thick and heavy, and the rain clouds above thundered and shook. Suddenly, the heavens opened, and the rain began to fall, but it was hot and sticky, trailing down my face in thick rivers. The realisation set in that the rain was not water, but blood. It's dark red stained my clothes, my skin, anything it touched. A voice echoed somewhere from behind me, but I couldn't turn my head.
"What happened on that day? Why weren't you there? You could have done something, kept us alive." The voice was mournful and tortured. But I still recognised it.
"I'm sorry! I tried, I tried so hard, I promise you. Everyday I have to remember. Please, you have to listen." Tears were falling down my cheeks, carving a path down my now blood soaked face.
"WHERE WERE YOU?"
"I'm sorry! Don't be angry with me, please," I begged, every word they spoke dragging me further into the self hatred I already possessed."Please. I love you, Mum..."
I sat bolt upright, sweat swimming around on my body. My breathing was hard and shallow, my heart racing against my chest. Mum I thought numbly. A tear fell silently down my face, and I wiped it away angrily. The nightmares were back, and they were more vivid, more real than before. I could hear her voice, echoing in my mind, her pain reflected in the words she spoke. There's no way I'm getting back to sleep now. I sighed inwardly, before noticing the blood on my bed. My breath caught in my throat as I remembered the blood rain, but then turned into a sigh of defeat, as I realised the stitches must have opened up during the night at some point. Still a couple of hours before first light. No one else was awake, which worked highly in my favour. Silently, I swung my feet to the cool floor, grabbing a spare shirt out of my bag blindly, not having enough light to pick one out carefully. I rummaged around, finding some bandage patches in my kit. Sweeping my gaze around the room to make sure everyone was definitely asleep, I unravelled the bandages, and slipped my shirt off over my head. Swiftly, I wrapped the bandage around the wound, back round to my chest, tying it firmly, before putting on my new shirt. How am I gonna cover this up? I looked at the bed, the sheets covered in blood. I knew I'd need some kind of help to stop word getting out, so decided to wait for one of the four people who knew - Malarkey, Skip, Doc and Tash - to wake up. I pulled the over blanket right up to the top, covering the worst areas, and placed my bag over the final stains. Realising there were still a couple of hours before everyone else woke up, I decided to rebraid my hair. I always plaited into intricate designs, about the only girly thing I was any good at. I still kept most of it down, plaiting the top sections. This time I decided to fishtail plait around the sides of my head, joining them at the back, then French braiding the middle section on the top of my head to come down past the fishtails. By the time I was finished, there were the first signs of dawn outside as the sky began to turn a mix of purple and blue.
Once again, we were running Currahee, this time the men were in their full kit. Sobel made me and Tash run with our bags too, though they weren't as heavy as their kit. Surprisingly, Sink had let us keep our weapons, possibly as a show that we were safe here. I still don't know why he hadn't taken them anyway. So Sobel also made us run in all our weapons. The arrows in the quiver were rattling, annoying pretty much everyone to my amusement, and my katanas clanged softly, like chimes. Tash's arrows were also smacking around, adding to the noise. Sobel looked down on us from above, and several times I found myself wanting to reach for an arrow and let it fly.
"We can do this! Come on!" Winters encouraged the men, which in turn helped me to focus. I was running alongside Tab, with Grant to my left. We'd only been here for a couple of days, but I felt myself already identifying the men I get along the most with - Tab was one of them, as was Grant. They were good men, pure at heart and not yet affected by the horrors of war. Grant stumbled, and I grabbed the back of his pack, pulling him up, and giving him a quick slap on the back. He shot me a tired smile. "Come on Talbert, Grant! Come on!" Winters was still shouting, and I glanced at him. Everything about him told me he wanted the best for these men, and nothing would get in his way. As he sped up, various shouts rang down the line of men, each one rallying support for each other.
We made it back to the barracks, where I was still trying to avoid the issue of sorting out my bed. We had a precious amount of spare time before the Friday night march, and everyone was in surprisingly high spirits. I smiled to myself as I took off my pack, making sure I was the first through the door to cover up the blood patch. Then the process of taking off my weapons - the belt of daggers came off first, followed by the stars. Then I removed my bow from across my back, and the quiver of arrows. Finally, I removed my katanas, taking off the holders and placing them on my bed.
"Christ, you got anythin' else on you?" Bull laughed, his eyes crinkling at the edges. I shot him a lopsided smile.
"God, it's good to take this jacket off," Tash said, throwing it on her bed. I followed suit, my leather jacket now hanging off the edge of my bed.
"You don't have to stop at the jacket!" Luz called out, that cheeky grin plastered on his face. I gave him the middle finger, earning a look of fake hurt from Luz as he clutched his heart.
"Nice shirt, T," Perco laughed. Shit, I never checked what was on it. Hurriedly, I looked down, and realised it literally had just one word in capital letters written over the front - FUCK.
"I probably should have put on a more conservative shirt, but I don't have too many of those," I said, glad it wasn't the shirt with naked woman on. I'm sure that would probably count as pornography in this age. The men laughed, and I headed over to my bunk, glad to be sitting down. I hadn't realised how much my legs ached, more of a dull thudding coursing through my veins.
"You did you hair differently," a voice said, taking a seat at the end of my bunk, by my feet. I looked up and met the familiar brown eyes of Lieb.
"Someone noticed," I said, glad it was him.
"I used to cut hair sometimes. Helped out in a barber shop. You need a trim, I'm always around," he joked, with a wink.
"That your sales pitch?" I laughed. "In all honesty, it could do with a trim," I shrugged. My hair fell almost to my tail bone,and the ends were beginning to split.
"I can do it now, we got enough time?" he offered, good intentions written all over his face.
"Sure. But only a trim - you cut any more off, you won't be waking up tomorrow," I half joked. Lieb raised his hands.
"Ok, ok, only a trim." He went to his footlocker, and got out a comb and a pair of scissors, and I raised an eyebrow in question. "What? Sometimes they're needed." He laughed. "Sit on the edge of the bed, down here." He motioned to the end of the bunk, where I placed myself. "You're not naturally dark haired are you?" He began running the comb through the ends of my hair, and I felt like a kid again. Mum used to do this. I took in a sharp breathe, gathering myself together, trying not to think of the nights events. "You ok?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm good." I forced a smile, though it didn't quite reach my eyes. I heard the scissors cutting through the bottom of my hair, and in no time at all, he was done.
"Now don't you go giving custom to any other one of these half jobs," Lieb joked, his eyes glinting.
"But you don't know where the best treatment is until you've tested it out," I joked, as he gave me a playful shove on the shoulder. As I looked around the hut, I realised most of the men, bar Skip, Toye, Tab and Cobb had left, even Tash was off somewhere else.
"I'm gonna go see where everyone's got to. Catch ya later, T-Bird," he winked at me.
"Oh, come on. T-Bird? Seriously?" Lieb laughed as he jogged out the barracks. Now time to tackle the issue from this morning. Not wanting to draw too much attention, I rifled through my bag, and found a baseball. Perfect. I sat on my bunk, choosing the moment carefully. When Cobb turned around, and Tab and Toye were engrossed in a game of poker, I threw the ball at Skip, hitting him lightly on the arm. He glanced up, and I motioned for him to come over.
"What's up?" he asked, concern on his face.
"Last night, my stitches opened, and my bed is covered in blood. I need to get rid of the sheets," I explained, moving my bag to the side so he could see.
"How are we gonna do it without them seeing?"
"I don't know," I sighed, fearing what I knew his response would be.
"Do you trust Joe and Floyd?" He crouched down in front of me, taking my hand in his. "We might need their help, and they won't tell anyone. I know it's hard, but I swear to you, they're good men." His eyes told me his words spoke truth, and I bit my lip, arguing with myself. Letting out a breathe, I nodded.
"Ok. But no one else can know, this can't become widespread." Skip nodded, getting to his feet. I got off the bed, and with Skip still holding my hand, we walked over to Joe and Tab. They looked up, their eyes scanning our faces.
"What's wrong," Tab asked, his eyes flicking between our faces.
"We need your help," I said. "Come on." I glanced over at Cobb, and motioned for the others to go stand by my bunk. I walked over to Cobb. "Hey, dipshit. I know you're not really sleeping - you think no-one's ever pulled that before? We need to talk. Get out." His eyes whipped open, and he sat upright.
"Go fuck yourself. I ain't doing anything you tell me." He stood up, shoving me in the process. A fire burned in my heart.
"Get the fuck out, Cobb." Joe's voiced called out from the end of the hut, making Cobb turn.
"You follow this bitch like she's the fucking president. She ain't shit. I am already sick of her and her stupid ass whore sister." His mouth had just run him into a lot of trouble. I slammed him against the wall, pinning him there.
"The fuck you say about my sister? You don't get to talk about her, you don't get to even look in her fucking direction. You got that?" My eyes filled with hatred, and I felt the other three behind me now.
"Calm down, T. He ain't worth your place here," Floyd said. I knew he was right, and the only thought that allowed me to put that fucker down was the thought of Tash being upset again. As I let him down, I felt the men behind me loosen up a bit, as Cobb's faced turned from white to red. In the blink of an eye, his fist connected with my jaw. Out of anything, I was surprised by his speed and power. In seconds, Skip was grabbing me, stopping me from doing anything back. His arms encircled my waist, and he turned me to face him. I struggled against him, trying to spin around and drop Cobb.
"Woah, calm down. Breathe, it's me." Skip was trying to settle me down and I focussed on his face, my senses becoming less heightened, my hatred lessening. Behind me, I heard the sound of a fist making contact with a body, followed by the sound of the wind being knocked out of someone.
"You ever touch her again, I swear to god, Cobb, I will fucking kill you. You ever say anything about her or her sister, you ain't gonna be waking up the next morning. You got that?" Toye had smacked Cobb in the gut, and was threatening him on my behalf. "Now get, and you mention this to anyone, we ain't gonna stop her next time." Joe watched as Cobb stumbled out the hut, coughing as he tried to regain his breathe. As he left, he shot me a look of pure hatred, and I returned it with a snarl and unblinking eyes.
"You ok, T? He hit you pretty hard," Tab asked, gently taking my chin in his hand, turning my head. His eyes fell on my jaw, which was no doubt already bruising.
"It's fine. But he better hope he don't cross me. Next time, I won't hold back," I warned. Tab released my chin, and I looked over at Joe, who looked thoroughly pissed off. I walked over to my bunk, and the others followed. Taking a breathe in, Skip gave me a reassuring nod. "Right, so I have an issue. I have scars on my back, and every so often, they open up. Doc stitched them up yesterday, but they split again last night. I need to get rid of the sheets, without anyone else noticing." My eyes were avoiding theirs, my palms sweating. My pulse was beginning to rise.
"Course we'll help you. Ain't nobody else gonna know about this either." Toye moved my bag off the bed, and swung the sheets down. "Christ, how big is it?" Joe's eyes widened, as did Tab's. They glanced at me, and I internally knew the only solution was to show them. They can be trusted. Telling Mal, Muck and Doc actually made you feel better. I lifted up the back of my shirt, revealing the bottom of the scars, next to my right ribcage. Floyd came closer, taking the hem of the shirt, lifting it slightly higher. I could feel their eyes raking over the harsh marks, the bandage still in place.
"How did this happen? Did someone hurt you?" Tab asked, his voice laced in concern.
"Yeah, something like that," I laughed bitterly. "Right, let's sort this."
We managed to sort the bed. Skip kept watch outside the hut, whilst me, Floyd and Toye removed the sheets, cutting them up and hiding them in their footlockers, and the bottom of my bag. I was reflecting on it, and we were now on a Friday night march. I'd managed to avoid the eyes of the men from landing on my bruised jaw, and had given Cobb a look of death that made him pale. It was dark out, a slight haze hanging in the night air. The men marched in silence, just the sound of their boots hitting the floor filtering through the air. I was marching next to Luz, keeping my head down, ensuring that the moonlight didn't reflect off my purple jaw.
"Imma say something," Bull spoke up.
"To who?" Luz questioned, shooting me a look. Bull looked down at Luz before calling out.
"Lt. Winters."
"What is it?" Winters crossed in front of the men.
"Permission to speak, sir?" Bull looked straight ahead, and Luz grinned at me, although I still didn't look up.
"Permission granted."
"Sir, we've got nine companies, sir."
"We do."
"How come we're the only company marching every Friday night, 12 miles, full-pack, in the pitch dark?" I silently laughed to myself, admiring Bull's courage.
"Why do you think, Pvt Randleman?"
"Lt. Sobel hates us, sir." You and me both. Winters dropped back down the line, until he was level with us.
"Lt. Sobel does not hate Easy Company, Pvt. Randleman. He just hates you." That earned open laughter from most of the men, their chuckles making me feel happier.
"Thank you, sir," Bull responded, glancing at Luz, who shot him an amused look.
"He hates you too, Luz," I laughed, sending him a wink, making sure not to turn too much.
"But his love for you is clear for all to see, Boudicca," he grinned.
Back at the barracks, we prepared for Sobel to give us a dig.
"Lt. Winters, I want canteens out of belts with the caps unscrewed," he ordered.
"Easy Company, canteens out and open." Each man took out his bottle, unscrewing the cap and holding it out in front of him.
"On my command, they will pour the contents onto the ground," Sobel said.
"Under CO's order, you will upend your canteen," Winters rallied back.
"Now, Lt."
"Pour them," Winters commanded. Everyone upended their canteens, tipping out the fresh water onto the ground, and I watched it sink into the earth. Suddenly, Sobel halted like he'd been pulled back, and turned towards the men.
"Who is this?!" he shouted as he approached one of the soldiers.I couldn't make out who the soldier was, until Sobel said his name. "Christenson! Why is there no water in your canteen? You drank from your canteen didn't you?" Bastard.
"Sir, I was-" Sobel cut him off.
"Lt. Winters!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Was this man ordered to not drink from his canteen during the Friday night march?" Sobel never took his eyes of Christenson.
"He was, sir."
"Pvt. Christenson, you have disobeyed a direct order. You will fill your canteen and repeat all 12 miles of the march immediately!" That fucking man, I swear to god.
"Yes, sir."
"Fall out!" Sobel yelled in his face. Christenson turned out the line, and I watched his back retreating, hating Sobel all the more for this. He was currently at the front of the line, talking to Winters, looking like he was chastising him. Every now and then, Sobel would point at the company, and was now very close to Winters' face. As he was leaving, he walked past Sgt. Evans, and caught my eye. He stopped dead in his tracks, like a predator stalking its prey. "Zhukavitch!" Will he ever pronounce it right?
"Yes, sir," I replied through gritted teeth.
"Have you been fighting in my company?" Shit.
"No, sir." I could see Skip glancing back from his place in front, giving me a reassuring wink.
"Then explain the bruise stretching from your jaw to the top of your cheek," he said, his jaw clenching. I felt Luz next to me, trying to steal a glance, but not wanting to be caught by Sobel.
"I tripped and fell, and hit my face on a wall, sir," I replied without breaking eye contact.
"Zhukavitch, if I find out you've been causing trouble, you will be gone. I will no tolerate this," he said viciously, grabbing my chin and jerking my face to the side. Everything inside of me tensed up, ready to spring. I'd never had to control myself as much as I was in this moment, his grip tightening. I felt the men tense up, and saw Toye flexing his knuckles angrily from the side. Sobel whipped his hand away from my face, turned on his heel and walked off.
"Easy Company, fall out!" Winters called. He sent me an apologetic look, before walking off with Nixon. Lipton made his way over, his eyes filled with concern.
"Are you ok? I never thought he'd actually touch you like that," he said, placing a hand on my shoulder. I levelled my eyes to his.
"I'm fine thanks, Lip. I've had worse," I tried to joke. But the humour didn't reflect very well, and Lip saw through my words.
"You can always talk to me, about anything," he offered, before giving me one last smile and walking off. I hurried into the barracks, trying to reach my bunk, but every man turned to face me. I tried keeping my head down, my bruise out of sight, but it was no use. I looked up, daring any man to confront me. I found Toye's eyes, and he gave me a curt nod, anger in his eyes. I made it to my bunk, flexing my jaw. Luz threw me a pack of cigarettes, and I sent him a tired smile, mentally making a note to pay him back. A pair of footsteps stopped in front of me, Lieb looking me straight in the eye. He placed his thumb and forefinger under my chin, tilting my head to the side.
"What happened," he said lowly, so the other men couldn't hear.
"I got in a fight with Cobb, long story." Out of all the people, he could not know about the scars. Not him.
"Sobel's grip left bruises on the other side," he stated, his eyes almost looking hurt. His touch was light as he took his hand away, his thumb gently stroking down my jawline. My gaze quickly fell to the floor, and I let out a breath of despair. "He has no right to touch you. No one does," he said protectively, before turning to his bunk. I glanced over, and saw Tash signalling that we needed to talk. I nodded, making my way down the hut, earning a mixture of looks, from confused, to concerned, to annoyed.
"What was it?" Tash asked as soon as we stepped out. Her eyes latched onto the bruise.
"I had an issue with the scars, and didn't want Cobb hearing about it. I asked him to leave, as did Toye, but then he insulted you, and you know what I'm like. Then he swung at me, and Toye took care of him." I shrugged, making the story as relaxed as possible.
"I know you swore to always protect me, but right now, we need this. Please, no more fights? Not now," she sighed. My heart bled for her, for the suffering she's seen. I nodded, pulling her into a hug.
"Familia est aeternum, quia vita est sanguis," I whispered in her ear. It was our saying - family is eternal, blood is for life. I pulled away, and gave her a smile as I walked back inside. Most of the men had now settled down, sitting on their bunks, or chatting quietly.
"That wall's got quite a swing. You hit it back?" Shifty asked, the joking tone laced with seriousness.
"No. She ain't all she says she is," Cobb sneered from his bunk. Several of the men swung round to meet his gaze.
"You hit her? Are you fucking serious?" Liebgott demanded.
"It was self defence! She grabbed me," Cobb countered pathetically.
"Listen, Cobb. You are not worth mine and Tash's place here. If I'm gonna be kicked out, it won't be your doing. Just fucking leave it out, for once." I'd grown tired of his constant talk, the way he hated us for no real reason. "You got issues with us - great. But don't step outta your comfort zone, because trust me, I will bring you down. Hard." I glared at him, my eyes showing no emotion, just coldness.
"You're all talk. You say all these things about killing men, being good fighters - you ain't got no evidence. You're playing us. You're probably just some jumped up bitch trying to spin a yarn about her dead family." That was it. How the fuck dare he mention my family? Red crept into my field of vision, as I took a single stride to stand inches from his face.
"T, don't do anything stupid," I heard someone say. It might have been Mal. But when I got angry, any sense seemed to vacate my mind and be replaced by hatred.
"You don't know shit, Cobb! The things I've done, the things I have to live with everyday! Have you ever experienced your four year old brother, screaming in agony, as the fire consumes him, as his eyes start to melt, as the skin peels from his face. His screams turn gargled as he begins to choke up his insides, his face a contortion of torture and pain, and you can do nothing. Nothing but stand there and watch!" My breathing was erratic, my mind going a mile a minute. Every pair of eyes was on this scene, no one moving, or speaking. Tash stood in the doorway, her frame rigid and still. "You think we're playing you? The only reason I didn't rip out your fucking throat was because I need to protect Tash. I promised someone that I will never let her down, that everything I do is for her. If I'd retaliated, we'd be out on our arses, with nowhere to go and no-one who cared. As for your evidence - " I pulled off my shirt harshly, ripping off the bandage in the process. Every scar was visible for every man to see, but right then, I didn't care. My back scars glistened angrily, and the scars on my front outline clearly against my flesh. My front scars were just as deep, but shorter, more erratic and spread out - collarbone, abdomen, ribcage, everywhere. "Here is your fucking evidence, of a life filled with nothing but death, nothing but being ripped apart and having to pick yourself back up and get the fuck on with it! You. Don't. Know. Shit." Those last words were laced with a venom I never knew I had, and I pulled my shirt back on. "You marked yourself, Cobb," I almost whispered, a low unwavering threat. With that, I stormed out the door, not a man getting in my way, and even Tash knew it was best to leave me alone right now. I didn't know where I was going, but I lit up a cigarette and kept walking into the dark night.