...and over, and over, and over, and over...

VOLDEMORT'S REVENGE

03: Over the River

Remus Lupin woke up in a very cramped, tight space that was not a vagina. His head hurt a lot and his wand (the one he cast spells with) was missing.

"What the hell!" he shouted. "Sirius, what did you do!"

Then he remembered that all of his best friends were dead and he began crying pathetically. He was a sad panda, I mean werewolf.

After about 30 hours of crying and blaming himself and trying to find his straight razor so he could cut his wrists nonfatally, Remus decided to figure out what the hell was going on. He looked around and discovered that he was scrunched up inside of a cylindrical object about the size of a large barrel. Furthermore, it was wet inside, and not just from all the limpid tears he'd cried. And there was a roaring sound all round him. And it felt like he was moving up and down randomly.

"Hello, Remus Lupin," said a high, cold voice, and Remus started and smacked his head on the side of the barrel.

"Voldemort!" the werewolf yelled.

"DON'T SAY THE DARK LORD'S NAME!" Bellatrix Lestrange shrieked.

"Shut up, Bella! I'm recording!"

"Sorry, Master."

Voldemort cleared his throat loudly and for a long time. "This is a recording," he informed Remus pointlessly. "Anyway... Hello, Remus Lupin. I bet you were expecting me to say 'I want to play a game' after that. Weren't you? You were, you filthy self-loathing halftrack."

Remus started trying to punch the side of the barrel out. so he could escape.

"Don't bother trying to escape by punching the side of the barrel out, which I'm sure you're doing now," the recording of the Dark Lord said. "I reinforced it with spells I found in Lucius Malfoy's four hundred and twenty seven volume set of encyclopedias."

"Lucius Malfoy sells encyclopedias?" Remus stopped for a second to process this stupidity.

"Yes," said the recording. "Anyway, for the crime of pissing me off, I hereby sentence you to die by going over a waterfall in a wooden barrel that will explode violently upon hitting the surface of the water below, killing you and about fifty thousand Muggles because in addition to your emo, ugly, moustached self, it's also loaded with a radioactive material suitable for building nuclear bombs. I suggest your life flash before your eyes now. The barrel will go over the waterfall when this elevator music ends."

As Remus listened to the horrifically evil elevator song play, he suddenly thought about how if he had survived, he would have liked to marry a woman with pink hair, and have a son with her, and then get killed by Antonin Dolohov in a really anticlimactic and stupid moment, leaving his son as an orphan who would grow up to have aquamarine hair.

Then he found his straight razor and cut himself a lot. Nonfatally.

When the music ended and the barrel went over the edge of the waterfall, Remus prepared to die by cutting himself some more.

But, miraculously, the barrel didn't explode because the guy who wired it was named Roland Crabbe, and Roland Crabbe was very, very, very stupid.

So the barrel just floated on down the river.

Unfortunately, Remus died anyway because he cut himself too much in celebration.

I wrote this in, like, five minutes. It just came to me. I wanted to do something that didn't involve silver. That would be too ironic, and only hipsters are ironic.