You Can't Hurt Me Anymore

Chapter Four

Johanna Mason; The Capitol; 26-years old

So many things have happened in my life that people before me thought were impossible. There were two Victors for one Games, and the Districts successfully rebelled against the Capitol. Capitolites and the people from the Districts? We're one in the same now.

Sometimes I forget that I was originally a part of the rebellion, considering I never fought. I was a bit preoccupied, being tortured at the beginning and too terrified of a certain liquid to be of much help, in the end.

I hate myself for that.

I hate how my palms sweat, I hate that I can't visit Finnick's son because of the ocean, and I hate that taking a shower has just recently became a bearable activity.

I push the self-hatred away and look up. The massive buildings seem to, as their names suggest, touch the sky.

I wonder if I closed my eyes, I could imagine that I'm back in District Seven. That I'm surrounded by trees and the smell of nature.

A deep rumbling sound comes out of nowhere and, for a second, I'm sure someone has just ran me down with a car. I open my eyes, finally noticing the black clouds off in the distance.

Hell no.

Panic grips me and I quickly look around for some place to duck into until the storm passes.

I grudgingly realize the only place to go is a dirty-looking bar across the street.

Oh joy.

I hurry over to it and pass through the grimy door just as the rain begins to fall. My breath comes quickly at the close call and I feel like I may pass out.

I push through the feeling, pulling my jacket tighter around me, before moving to sit at the bar.

I give the bartender my order and he raises his eyebrows in recognition. "Johanna Mason! I never thought I'd see you in my pub."

I smile, gesturing to the heavy rain outside. "I was just passing through and got caught in the rain."

He grins at me again, before turning away to prepare my drink. I feel someone slip into the stool beside me, and turn, expecting some greasy-looking guy to be there.

It amazes me how many people want to get in your pants just because you helped plan an overthrow of a totalitarian regime.

When I see the man beside me, though, my eyes widen in shock. I haven't seen him in… well, years.

"Sage?!"

He grins. "It's nice to see you, Johanna."

I blink at him, completely stunned. "You… you can talk?"

"A few years after the rebellion, President Paylor offered… well, I guess you can call it tongue replacement surgery, to the Avoxes if they wanted it." He shrugs. "I kind of wanted to see what all the fuss was about. It helps with eating and talking but I still can't taste anything. Kind of a let down, honestly."

My drink shows up and I knock it back in seconds. I glance at the bartender. "I'm going to need another."

Sage laughs. "I would drink with you but he's my boss, so…"

"You work in this du— fine establishment?" I blurt.

"Unfortunately, yes." He chuckles. "So what do you do with your time nowadays? Do you have a job?"

"I'm the sometimes mayor of District Seven," I reply, glancing away, still disoriented by the idea of Sage speaking.

"'Sometimes?'" he questions, interest piqued.

"There's a lot of stupid people in politics, Sage," I reply, rubbing my temples. "I get fed up with them from time to time, resign for a few days, and then they beg me to come back. I don't have anything else to do, so I eventually agree."

He rolls his eyes, a small smile on his face. I return the look. "So other than what I can only tell is the best job ever, what's going on in your life? Marriage? Children? Baby mommas?"

Sage snorts. "No marriage, no children, and no baby mommas… that I know of, at least. My mom died a year ago, which was… not the best time of my life."

"I'm sorry," I murmur. "I'm sure she was… really great."

"She was," Sage replies simply. "And I've just recently moved into a new apartment."

I grin. "So what I'm getting from this is that your social life sucks. But so does mine, so I guess have no room to talk. Congrats on the apartment, though."

"Why are you in the Capitol?" Sage asks after a moment of silence.

"Business," I reply, rolling my eyes. "They're probably going to berate me for... something."

"So you have a meeting?"

His words make me realize that I did have a meeting. I check my watch.

Which started thirty minutes ago.

I curse. "Yeah, I did. The damn rain made me miss it though."

His eyebrows furrow for a second until suddenly the small wrinkle between them smooths out. "Oh . . . that. That I know about."

"How do you know about that?" I hiss. "That's supposed to be… classified or some other stupid shit, that keeps people from knowing!"

He smirks. "I can't reveal my secrets."

After another moment of fear, I let it go and just roll my eyes. "Ass."

I get a call a few seconds later and it's some higher-up's secretary who proceeds to bitch at me about missing my meeting. I roll my eyes and explain the situation, which makes the man soften a bit. In the end, he reschedules my meeting for tomorrow. I sigh after he's hung up, and turn to Sage. He watches the owner move behind the bar, who has since brought me two more drinks, as he asks, "Do you have anywhere to stay?"

I could always check into a hotel, of course, but I might as well see what he's offering. "Well… no, not really."

His mouth twitches into a smile for a second. "Would you like to stay in my apartment tonight?"

I'm a little surprised, considering we haven't seen each other in forever, but not too put off by the idea. "Not the worst idea I've ever heard, but considering all the shit I've been through, that's not saying much."

He raises his eyebrows. "Ugh… Is that a yes or a no?"

The rain stopped a few minutes ago, so I stand. "Am I going to be forced to find this place myself or are you going to get your ass in motion?"

Johanna Mason; District Seven; 29-years old

"This is stupid," I mutter. "You love living in the Capitol, why would you ever consider moving to District Seven?"

"Because I love you more?" he replies.

I roll my eyes. "I want an actual reason."

Sage grimaces and quickly says, "Because I want to spend more time with you?"

"A reason that doesn't involve me," I snap.

"The trees are beautiful this time of year," he snaps back, frustration clearly evident in his tone.

I roll my eyes. "You are insufferable."

He lets out a groan and glares at me. I raise an eyebrow at his glare and we stare each other down for a few minutes. His eyes are intensely blue and, okay, maybe, possibly, I get lost in them for a few seconds.

I tear my eyes away from his when I find the strength and roll them, "This isn't getting us anywhere."

He shrugs, still glaring, and I return the look with more venom than he can ever hope to possess. He finally lets out a breath. "Why are you so angry with me? Do you… do you not even care that I'm doing this for you?"

"I don't want you to do this for me!" I exclaim, before slumping. "I'm not worth it."

He places a hand on my cheek. "You are worth everything I can give."

I turn my face away from him and although I don't pull it off as well as I usually can, I try to joke my way through it. "Well that's not saying much, considering you don't have that much to give."

He flinches. "Thanks for that."

I have a lump in my throat as I apologize. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean that… at all. I'm just scared… and confused. I don't know what to do anymore, because I don't what we are anymore."

He kisses me, and though I'm surprised, I kiss him back. I've always loved Sage, that enough is simple. Even when I barely knew him, I still loved him in my own way. And today isn't any exception, and tomorrow won't be either. I'll love him forever and this, right here, is such an easy place to fall into.

I pull away after a few seconds, though our noses still touch, and smirk. "I guess I know now."

Johanna Mason; District Seven; 32-years old

Sage stands behind me in the mirror and I smile nervously at him. He gives me a hug from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. "So today's the day. Are you okay… with all this?"

I kiss his cheek. "Of course."

He grins before pulling away and I look at myself in the mirror for a few more seconds. Dear Panem, I've changed monumentally. I'm so much happier now, I can actually see it in the way I hold myself.

Sage's words float through my head, "So today's the day..."

I love Sage and I never want to give him up. I want to be with him forever.

But.

I'm not sure about marriage. I've always known Sage is the marrying type but I've also always known I'm not. I'm committed to Sage, that much is obvious, so why should I care about marriage? It's only a representation of a couple's commitment to another, and we both know we'll never leave, so why is it necessary?

It's a known fact that when you're trying to hurt someone or make them agree to something, you go after their spouse and their children. Since I don't have any children— and I don't plan on them either— my spouse is the only way to go. And obviously people know Sage and I are together anyway but the idea of labeling him as even more important to me than he all ready is? It makes me cringe.

And, yes, I know this is stupid. I know it's illogical, but I hate the idea of Sage being my husband because I'm still scared. But, Panem, I'm fucking tired of being scared. That's why I agreed to this whole charade, to find a way to break through that terror.

But it's not gone, I don't think it will ever completely leave. It's here right now, casting a shadow over what should be a happy day. Or at least what I think should be a happy day.

I pause, really looking at myself in the mirror. There's confusion and indecision and fear there, in my face, and I know I can't do this.

I can't marry him.

I turn away from the mirror and let my feet carry me numbly from the room and down the stairs. He smiles at me from the couch. "Are you ready to go?"

I lower myself beside him, biting my lip. "I can't do this."

He stares at me for a moment. "You don't want to marry me."

"I don't want to marry anyone," I protest. "I love you, you know that. And I'm not doing this to hurt you, which I shouldn't have to tell you but—."

"Don't try to turn this around on me," he snaps. "If you didn't want to marry me, why did you say yes?"

I stare at my hands. "Because I wanted you to be happy. I wanted this for you so much that I didn't even think about me and what I wanted."

Sage stands. "I can't do this. You can go tell everyone that it's off, okay? Tell them whatever you want, actually."

Sage walks away and I follow after him. "Sage, I didn't—."

"Just don't. Don't try to apologize." Sage stares past me. "I have to get out of here. I'll… talk to you later."

I watch him exit out the back door. I turn around, preparing myself to go tell everyone that came here for a wedding that I've ruined everything.

Johanna Mason; District Seven; 32-years old

It's been months since I've talked to him. Half the time I think I'm a huge bitch that can't make up my mind, and the rest of the time I think Sage is overreacting about this whole damn thing.

It's exhausting, honestly.

It's exhausting because I can't see a ginger without wanting to punch them because their stupid, fucking hair makes me want to shrivel up. It's exhausting because normally Sage is the most forgiving person I know, and he can't even forgive me for this. It's exhausting because all of our mutual friends keep telling me to apologize and I shouldn't have to.

Sage knew that I didn't want to marry anyone. He knew that. Why the fuck would he ever ask me, put me in this position?

The anger simmers inside of me until I find myself, furious, in front of Sage's front door. I knock so hard my knuckles hurt like a bitch. And I use to give out punches like they were candy, so that's saying something.

A few minutes later Sage and his stupid, red hair opens the door. "You know it's one in the morning, right?"

"I'm not the one that's stupid," I snap, pushing past him into his house. I shrug off my jacket and turn back to him. His look is an odd combination of confusion and annoyance. "You are stupid."

"What the—?" he snaps.

I cut him off. "I am awesome. And hot. I'll admit, I made a mistake. I shouldn't have said yes. But the even bigger mistake I made was being with you, because from the way you've been acting, it is increasingly apparent that you fucking suck."

Sage stares.

"I told you from the beginning that I didn't want to get married," I continue, feeling angry tears coming but pushing them back down. "I guess what I want to know is why? Why did you ask when you knew I didn't want it?"

"You know Avoxes were never allowed to get married. Or have kids... Those weren't an option. The only reason I'm here is because my mom was too far along for them to be comfortable with aborting me when they caught her." Sage sits down heavily. "So forgive me for thinking my whole life I could never have something, and then when I could I really fucking wanted it."

We stare at each other for a few moments and all my anger dissipates. I'm left feeling infinitely sad.

"You want kids, too, don't you?" I whisper.

"I do want a child, yeah," he replies softly. "But I knew you didn't want kids and I thought marriage would probably be the lesser of two evils, so I asked."

I sit down and turn to face him. "I love you and I don't want us be over."He smiles. "I love you and I don't want us to be over, either."

I sigh. "We can try to compromise, I guess."

"Thank you," he murmurs. "Do you need some time?"

"Yeah." I rest my head on his shoulder.

Johanna Mason; District Seven; 35-years old

"This is great," Sage says, grinning from ear to ear.

I glower. "This is horrible."

"Well at least you don't have to marry me," Sage teases.

"I was planning on doing that in a few years," I mutter sourly. "But, of course, my plans never work out like they should."

"So it was a complete accident?" Sage inquires, smiling.

I make a face. "I hate you and your overachieving sperm."

Johanna Mason; The Capitol; 35-years old

I look at the very defined blob on the screen and want to scream at the injustice of it all. I'm thirty-five years old! I should not randomly get pregnant. If anything, a thirty-five year old should have a few kids already or be unsuccessfully trying for one.

"Look at it!" Sage murmurs happily into my ear, before kissing the spot tenderly.

"Yeah, it's a real beauty," I mutter dryly.

Sage thumps my arm, and though it doesn't hurt in the slightest, I glare. He grins back at me. The doctor stares at us, no expression on her face. "Would you like to know the sex of the baby?"

Sage looks to me and I shrug. "You choose."

He bites his lip for a second before answering, "Yes."

The doctor smiles then, "It's a baby boy."

Sage turns to me, grinning, as I stare at the screen. That little picture up on the screen is a boy. There is a little boy inside of me. My feelings are warring. I'm freaked out but there's a little happiness there too. After a minute or two, freaked out definitely becomes the dominant emotion and I wrinkle my nose at the screen.

Sage pulls me into a kiss. When he pulls away, Sage tells me that he loves me. At the moment, even though I'm still furious with him for impregnating me, I can't help but say it back.

Johanna Mason; District Seven; 36-years old

I stare down at my baby's face and feel the joy that everyone said I would, even though I didn't really want him. When Sage enters the room, all the exhaustion of the day hits me, and I just want to sleep. I pass the baby to him, and happily let my eyes flutter closed.

When I wake up later, the first thing I see is Sage cradling our son in the corner. I smile before murmuring a greeting.

Sage looks up and smiles at me. "So what are we going to name him? Maybe after one of your brothers or your father?"

I flinch. "I don't really want a reminder that all of my family is dead every time I look at our soon, thank you very much."

"We barely talked about it," Sage points out. "Mostly because you wanted to ignore the fact that there was even a child inside of you up until two months ago. Which is kind of fucked up but— Anyway, we don't have many names to choose from."

"Did I like any?" I ask, not having any energy to think back.

"We both liked Alder and Birk."

"Birk Alder is a nice name," I sigh. "Let's go with that."

Sage stares at me for a moment. "That was easier than I expected it to be."

"I don't have any energy to bicker," I point out. "Besides, I'll make your life hell for the next forty years, might as well give you this one."

Sage grins. "I love you."