I settled up the bill that morning while everyone else cleaned and loaded the car. I came back out triumphantly. "Hey guys, guess what," I called. They were done loading and basically just waiting for me, so no one really responded. "The owner wanted to compliment us. She said we were the cleanest, politest, quietest teens she'd had come through for a while."

Jeff piped up, "Yeah, because we did all our fighting and screaming out in public."

I ignored that and went on. "Anyway, when I told her we were headed to Ogunquit, she called up a friend of hers who has a motel up there. He's giving us a deal: a set up almost exactly like we had here, only with three queen sized beds, for the price of one room. Sound good?"

We had made sandwiches again and we took them into town, eating them on the sand of the beach in my dream. I must have turned bright scarlet when I realized where we were, but if anyone noticed, they didn't say anything. This time I made my own sandwiches and labeled them with my name with Vanessa's Sharpie. The ham and turkey with cheese on white definitely tasted better than the peanut butter the day before.

When we were done eating, we scrambled back up the beach and through town to the parking lot where we left the car. Haley stopped in one store and came out with a travel pillow, while Jordan and Adam picked up a few souvenirs. I hadn't bought anything, but I wasn't really upset about it. I had enough memories to last me a lifetime.

As we arranged seating for the car, Hay announced that Jeff was going to drive and that she was going to take the passenger's seat. "What about your turn?" Jordan asked her.

She didn't look directly at him, addressing the whole group instead. "I did most of the driving around town, and I'll do the same thing at Ogunquit if you'd like."

Jordan was relentless. "Yeah, well, what happened to my turn in the passenger's seat?"

Hay turned on him, eyes blazing. "You forfeited that when I punched you in the face," she spat.

Jordan recoiled as if she'd hit him a second time. He climbed into the middle seat with Adam, while Vanessa took the back. I looked after Jordan for a moment, confused, then sat down next to Vanessa. Jordan was directly in front of me and directly behind Hay.

I guess that Jordan decided that Hay was off-limits after that comment, so he turned his frustration to an easier target: me. My head was where he wanted to put his head, and we kept knocking them together; somehow, that was completely my fault. If I turned around to talk to Adam, I was in his personal space. If I spoke to Vanessa, I was "too loud." It didn't matter what I did or didn't do, Jordan found some excuse to snap at me.

After twenty minutes of near-constant snarking, Hay turned the radio off. "You know something, Jordan Pike?" she said, "You are a miserable human being, and you're making the rest of us miserable too. I have a song for you." She began digging through her knapsack, searching for the right CD. A few minutes later, she came up triumphant and put it in the player. She then began fiddling with the player, searching for the right song.

When happy, upbeat music finally started, she cautioned us, "Not this part...wait until I tell you to listen. This thing doesn't have a button to skip through to the middle of the song."

Jeff flicked his eyes over at her from the road. "Nobody knows how to make drama like you do, huh, Hay?" he asked sarcastically. "You tell him you're going to insult him through song, and then you drag it out over five minutes just to make the tension worse." Hay flicked him off.

"Okay, here you go. No, wait for the chorus. The chorus is about Jordan." I listened to the music, surprised to find it was a CD I'd never heard before. A couple of people were discussing how one had been laid off, and then started singing about it. It sounded like it might be from a musical, but I wasn't familiar with it.

Finally, the chorus began, and Hay began to sing along. She has a very nice singing voice, but she doesn't share it too often. "It sucks to be me," she sang, "It sucks to be me. It sucks to be broke and unemployed and turning thirty-three. It sucks to be me."

Vanessa leaned forward from the back seat. "This is Avenue Q, isn't it?" she asked, delighted. Hay nodded, and I shot Vanessa a questioning look. "It's a musical," she responded, "Like Sesame Street for adults. Sex and drinking and unemployment and cursing. Sounds awesome. I'd love to go see it sometime."

Hay grinned. "Me, too." The song continued on, talking about why it sucked to be a variety of different characters, and Hay continued to sing the chorus. At the end of the song, it changes to 'It sucks to be you.' By then, we were all laughing, even Jordan.

When the song ended, Hay moved to stop the CD player. "Wait!" Vanessa cried, "There's another song I want to hear." She climbed into the middle seat, between Adam and Jordan, causing both of them to yell at her. From the middle, she leaned forward and whispered in Hay's ear. Hay smiled and Vanessa leaned back, settling in between our two brothers. "This one's dedicated to Adam," Vanessa said sweetly.

Hay began flipping through the songs. "For some reason, they're not in order on the CD, so give me a minute to find it." She would listen to thirty seconds of the song and then name it and skip to the next. "Everyone's a little bit racist...Fantasies come true...For now..."

I leaned forward from the back seat. "They're in alphabetical order."

"What?" She stopped the CD for a moment and looked at me.

I spoke a bit louder. "The songs...they're alphabetical."

Hay thought about it for a moment. "Oh, you're right. I wonder how it got recorded that way." She skipped through the CD silently for a moment, guessing where she'd find the song Vanessa had requested. Finally it started blaring from the speaker. "Vanessa, will you sing Trekkie for me?"

Adam groaned. "First you let her pick out a song for me, and then you let her sing? I'm never getting in a car with you again, Haley."

Hay grinned like the Cheshire Cat and started singing. "The Internet is really, really great."

"For porn!" Vanessa yelled.

"I've got a fast connection, so I don't have to wait..."

"For porn!"

I don't think I have to tell you how the rest of that song went. Adam blushed furiously. I think he was even more embarrassed in the car than he was the day that Mom had caught him using the family computer to surf for pictures of naked women. He buried his head in his hands. Vanessa put her arm around him as she sang one of the choruses. "The Internet is for porn, the Internet is for porn. Me up all night honking me horn to porn, porn, porn." He shrugged her off.

When the song ended, Vanessa was laughing so hard she was gasping for air. Hay repeated one of her character's last lines, "I hate the Internet!" and then joined her.

Jeff spoke for the first time in a while. "Hey, guys," he said, "Sorry to interrupt the party, but we're getting low on gas. Probably should have filled the tank before we left. Anyway, I'm going to pull into that service station up ahead."

We rolled up to a gas pump. Jeff ran inside to use the bathroom, which I figured was the real reason we had stopped. Adam and Vanessa wandered off to a little ice cream hut that was on the edge of the service station. I paid for the gas and then came back out to pump it.

Jordan climbed into the back seat and was digging in the trunk for a bag of snacks we had misplaced. Hay was hanging out of the car as I filled the tank. I turned to her. "Where'd you get that CD from?" I asked her.

She grinned a high-watt grin. "From one of the stage crew," she said, "He was singing the songs backstage all the time. I made him lend me the CD and I made a copy." Hay scooted out of the car and came up beside me. "You know, I have some songs on that CD that are for you, too. Two of them."

I put my arm around her as I waited for the pump to stop. "Oh, really?" I asked.

She gave me a hug but didn't respond. After a minute, she wiggled loose. "I feel like ice cream," she said.

I squeezed her shoulder. "You feel like Hay to me, but whatever."

Hay laughed. "You want some ice cream, too?"

I shook my head and removed the pump from the tank. She ran off to where Vanessa and Adam were chowing down on ice cream cones. Jordan came out of the car, looking perturbed. I walked toward the building, intent on a bag of chips, and Jordan followed, right on my heels.

He tailgated me straight into the building and while I was inspecting the chips, he stood right behind me. "May I help you?" I asked him finally.

Jordan released a breath that sounded like a hiss. "Do you have to flaunt it?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?"

His expression looked pained. "Your relationship with Haley. We know you guys are together...you gotta rub it in our faces this whole trip?"

Suddenly, a couple of pieces of information clicked together in my brain. Adam had come on the trip because he wanted to spend time with me. Jordan had come on the trip because he wanted to spend time with Haley. Adam had tried to warn me. I bristled, though I wasn't quite sure why. "I'm not dating Hay," I said in a low, irritated voice.

"Oh, right. You are so full of shit." Jordan rolled his eyes. "You think I'm blind and deaf? I saw you guys just now. You're all over each other."

I couldn't believe we were having this conversation again. I sucked in a breath through a clenched jaw. "We are not dating." I looked around the convenience mart. No one else was there except the bearded, scary looking dude behind the counter. "We're just friends. You ever see us kiss? No. Because we've never kissed!" By this point, I was yelling right into Jordan's face.

He took an involuntary step back. "And why should I believe a word you say?"

I pounded my hand down on the shelf in front of me, causing it to vibrate. "Because I'm fucking gay, okay?"

Jordan reeled back from me in surprise, probably as much at my venom as at my statement. I grabbed a bag of chips off the shelf and walked over to the checkout. Jordan ran back out the door and I saw him climb into the car. I plopped some money down on the counter, and the counter guy looked down at me as he gave me my change. "Good for you, kid," he said, "I've been with my partner for almost ten years. Coming out's always the hardest part, but it's better than living a lie."

I gave a noise that was half laugh, half sob and ran out the door myself. I sat down on the ground around the corner and began to sob full on, loud, choking noises that wracked my whole body. Luckily, I quickly cried myself out. I was just sniffling and wiping my eyes when Jeff appeared beside me. "Everything okay?" he asked.

I looked up at him. "No," I replied, "but not any worse than normal." My chips had fallen to the ground and I picked them up. Somehow, in my haste, I had grabbed low sodium, flavorless baked chips. Ew.

Jeff began to speak but stopped, shaking his head. "We're ready to go when you are." I jumped up and ran ahead of him to the car, rubbing my eyes with my hand, hoping to avoid any further conversation that I definitely wasn't in the mood for.

When I got to the car, Jordan was in the way back. Hay, Adam and Vanessa were digging in the cooler, dipping their hands in among the ice to wash off ice cream spills. I climbed into the middle seat on the other side from them, right in front of Jordan. He looked up at me. "Did you mean the last thing you said?" he asked, his voice a little unsteady.

I looked back at him. "Yup."

He didn't change expression, and I could see he looked like he was fighting back tears. "Okay. I, uh, well, I just needed to know."

I forced myself to smile at him. "Well, now you do."

When we started off again, I was behind the driver's seat, with Vanessa sitting bitch between me and Adam. Adam had originally intended to sit in the back, but the vibe Jordan was giving out was enough to make him change his mind.

Although no one but Jordan and I knew what had happened, everyone could feel that something was different. Hay found a CD that was mellower and put it in the CD player. She and Jeff started talking about their overlapping musical tastes in a low voice. Vanessa pulled out her camera and started taking pictures of us all in 'our native environment'—everyone except Jordan, that is. When she'd pointed the camera at him, he'd grabbed it from her and thrown it into the front seat. Hay retrieved it undamaged, and Vanessa figured out that it was best to leave grizzly bears alone, no matter how fun they might be to photograph.

An hour passed uneventfully. Vanessa had put her camera away and was reading The Bell Jar. Adam was staring out the window, munching on a bag of Funyons that I could smell from the other side of the car. Jordan was either asleep or just completely uncommunicative. When Hay's latest CD ended, she started digging around in her bag for something new. I put aside the crossword puzzle I'd been half-heartedly playing with and leaned across Vanessa into the front seat. "Hay, you got the CD from Grease?" I asked.

She frowned at me. "Yeeeeeessss..."

"Put it in? Please?"

Jeff took his eyes off the road for a moment and glanced at me. "What's this, By? You got a thing for Olivia Newton John or something?"

I shook my head at him, making a terrible face. "Ew, no. It's actually a recording from our school production last fall. Hay played Rizzo."

Vanessa pinched me on the shoulder and I moved out of her personal space. She continued my plea. "Come on, Haley, put it in." Hay shook her head and glared at us both. "Jeff, help us out here. She was the star of the show. You've got to hear her."

Jeff grinned at her and peeked out from behind his sunglasses. "Better put it in, Hay. They're not going to quit until you do."

Hay threw her hands up. "I know when I'm beat. I'll put it in if you play Tom Lehrer later." I gave her a bewildered look. "Oh, don't give me that face. I know you have at least one of his CDs in your bag. I'll give you fifty bucks if you don't." I just continued to look at her, my expression unchanged. "Ugh! I hate when you do this to me, Byron. I'll get you back one of these days." She removed a CD case from her bag and put it in.

We listened quietly for a while. During one of the songs where Haley wasn't singing, Adam piped up and asked, "You going to do the musical again next year, Haley? I hear they're doing Guys and Dolls."

She shook her head violently. "No way. I wouldn't have even done Grease if..."

Even Jordan was staring at her now. I finished the thought. "...If I hadn't dared you."

All the eyes except Jeff's turned on me. "What?" Vanessa said, confused.

I shrugged. "We started daring each other to do stuff about a year ago. Stupid things that didn't really affect anything." She'd dared me to spell my name wrong on an assignment I'd turned in; Bryon Pike had gotten a 100 percent and the teacher hadn't noticed. I'd dared her to use a certain spicy adjective in her next writing assignment; she'd managed to work it in successfully. "After a while, the dares started to get bigger. I dared her to try out for the play. She auditioned for Patty Simcox and got Rizzo."

Hay was blushing a bit. "The teacher said I was the only one with the sass to pull it off, which I think is an insult."

I waved that off. "It was a compliment and you know it."

We grew quiet as Hay as Rizzo started singing, "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee." When that ended, Jeff changed lanes and then pulled his sunglasses onto the top of his head. "So, Haley, if someone dares you to do something, do you have to do it?"

She turned and looked at him, an 'oh, shit,' look in her eyes. "Depends on who's daring. I do have to do whatever By dares me to do. It's a matter of pride. Plus, I know he'll give me shit about it for the rest of time if I don't."

Jeff let that hang for a second. "Well, what if I dare you to do something? Do you have to take the dare?"

Hay's eyes got even wider. "Depends on what it is, I guess."

"What if I dare you to kiss Jordan?"

Everyone in the car snapped to full attention, waiting for an answer for that question. Nothing happened for a moment, except that Hay turned to face forward as if she were internally debating and didn't want the rest of us to see. Jeff checked the rearview mirror and met my eyes. And in that second I knew that he knew exactly how Jordan felt. Whether Jordan had told him or he'd picked up on the clues, he was in on the secret.

Hay turned back around. "Vanessa!" she barked. "Switch seats with me?" I could see some tension around her eyes, like she wasn't really sure she was making the right choice, but the tone of voice told me she was determined to follow through on this. She knocked everything off the middle seat of the front bench, where the seatbelt is broken. Vanessa climbed in between Hay and Jeff, trying really hard not to kick Jeff or otherwise force his attention off the road. After this was accomplished, Hay did the opposite, climbing between me and Adam, and Vanessa scooted into the passenger's seat and buckled back up. Hay looked at Jordan in the backseat, eyes now as determined as her voice, and joined him back there.

Three sets of eyes were glued on the back seat; one watched intermittently as the road conditions allowed. Hay froze for a moment, then put her arms around Jordan's neck and pulled him close. Jordan's eyes grew like saucers, and his expression said he doubted she was actually going to kiss him until the second it started. The kiss went on for just a fraction of a second longer than I would have expected; by that time, Jordan's hands had found their way to her shoulders. Hay pulled back and for a second she smiled, but before Jordan's eyes opened she turned it to a scowl. While he watched, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand like he'd left a bad taste on it, and then climbed back into the middle seat, looking at Jeff from the relative safety between me and Adam. "Satisfied?"

Jeff grinned and pulled down his sunglasses. "Oh, yeah," he said, trying not to laugh.

Jordan's face was bright crimson. He picked up a magazine and pretended to be fascinated by the article in front of him, but he wasn't fooling anyone. Adam and I looked at each other over Hay's head. I gave him a questioning glance and he nodded, with the silent implication of, "Yeah, that's what I meant."

Hay settled into her new seat and buckled her seatbelt. We were all pretty much looking at her still, and it was her turn to blush again. "Just for the record...I hate you all," she said.

Ogunquit was so not what I was expecting. In some ways, it wasn't much different from Camden; in other ways, they were nothing alike. Let's just say that Camden was so much more...conservative. Adam took a look around as we drove down the main strip and turned to me. "Byron. You picked the gayest town on earth."

I looked in the same direction he had and saw two guys holding hands walking down the street, passing another pair of men doing the same. I shrugged. "Hay picked it out."

Adam cocked his head at her. "Haley. You picked the gayest town on earth."

Hay looked helpless for a second. "I read this book," she said for the second time in two days. I suddenly started picturing a book: How to Get Your Best Guy Friend to Come Out Already. She'd picked this town as some kind of message to me.

I must have blushed because suddenly several sets of eyes were on me. Vanessa leaned over the seat. "What's the matter, Byron?" she asked. She was the only one looking at me who didn't know. "You got a problem with ho-mo-sex-u-als?" She dragged it out in a Mr. Rogers kind of way.

Hay spoke under her breath. "Yeah, a jealousy problem," she quipped. Adam laughed, but I think only he and I heard her. Vanessa looked at us like we were crazy—which, admittedly, had been her look for most of the trip. She then picked up the map and started studying it.

"I think this town's pretty cool. I like any town that's this accepting of everyone," Jeff piped up. He turned onto a side street and then into a parking lot. "Did you guys see that teen club back a couple blocks? It's said it's ages sixteen to twenty. We have to go there one night."

Hay threw her hands up, glad to have found an ally. "I know, right? I saw that in the travel guide. Vanessa, you got a state ID?"

Vanessa nodded. "I had to get one last summer so I could get a job. Thank goodness, right? I'd have to kill you all if you went into a club—even a lame, alcohol free one— without me."

We all tumbled out of the car and looked around. "So, this is Ogunquit," Jordan said, like he'd been expecting something grander.

Vanessa looked at him. "This is a parking lot. All the good stuff seems to be that way." She pointed back toward the main drag.

"Well, then, let's go that way." Jordan seemed to be taking charge for the first time since we'd left home, and, being surprised and a bit bedraggled, we let him.

As we followed Jordan, Hay turned into a walking guide book. "So there are two parts to Ogunquit. This is the village. Pretty much everything I was interested in is here in the village, but I hear Perkins Cove is beautiful." She paused for a minute as we passed another gay couple. In a low voice, she continued. "The village is also home to Ogunquit's very active gay social scene."

"We hadn't noticed," Adam joked as we passed maybe the third gay-themed business in a couple blocks.

Obviously, tourist season was not in full blast, or even a trickle, but we still got a feel for the town anyway. Just about everyone we passed said hello to us. Like we did our first night in Camden, we just browsed shops and went inside in ones and twos. Hay dragged me into one of the gay-themed gift stores and made me look around with her at all the kitschiness. Some of the items were typical to what you'd find in a regular gift shop, with a unique Ogunquit twist.

"Oh, look, By, you have to have this!" Hay squealed. It was t-shirt that read 'I went to Ogunquit and all I did was come out' in rainbow letters. Even though I protested and vowed to never wear it, she picked it up and went to check out. By the time she and I left the store we were both laughing hysterically.

Adam and Jordan were once again sitting on a bench, not shopping, when we came out. Hay was silently shaking with laughter, half doubled over. I was laughing so hard I was crying. Jordan quirked an eyebrow at us. "Something hit your funny bones?" he asked.

I was having trouble breathing, but I managed to start calming down a bit. "Show them the shirt, Hay," I said.

She was gasping for breath herself. "Are you sure?" she wheezed, looking at Jordan and then back at me. I nodded and she pulled the shirt out of the bag, which I had made her carry. It was folded with the message on the inside. "I bought Byron a present to celebrate him making history this trip." With that, she shook the shirt out and showed it to them.

They both took a look, and did a double take. Adam started to laugh right away. Jordan looked uncomfortable. "You sure you want everyone to know like this?" he asked.

I studied him for a moment. "Well, I wasn't planning on wearing it out to dinner tonight or anything. But yeah, I want to tell people. I've been gay for eighteen years. It's about time I accept that and let other people accept it too." Jordan's expression changed, and suddenly he looked guilty. "I was planning to tell you, you know. Just not like it came out. And I'm sorry I got so worked up." Adam and Haley exchanged a look, like they might be missing something, which, of course, they were.

Jordan ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck, still looking guilty. "No, that was my fault. I shouldn't have assumed anything. Next time I've got a problem with you, I'll come and talk to you about it instead of letting it build up like that, okay?"

I grinned at the rare show of humility. "To be fair, this was totally an imaginary problem with me, wasn't it? All in your head?"

He started to protest, but when he realized I was kidding, he grinned back. "You son of a bitch," he said.

I shook my head in mock disgust. "Don't talk that way about your mother, son," I said. Adam joined the two of us, putting his arms around us both.

"Awwww," Hay said, stuffing the shirt back into the bag and jumping in front of us, holding a fake camera to her face. "Where's Vanessa and her camera when you need her?"

"What about me and my camera?" Vanessa came up behind Haley. She took a good look at us triplets, still embracing, and shook her head. "Oh, my God. You three are so gay." Hay looked around in surprise, hoping no one who might be offended heard Vanessa, but no one was near, not even Jeff.

Jordan looked at Adam, and then over at me. "Nope, just one out of three," he said. I gaped at him for a moment, and then we all started to laugh.

Vanessa looked at him in surprise. "Wait, what?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

The whole story probably would have come tumbling out, for the third time in as many days, if Jeff hadn't come racing out of one of the stores down the block and shouted at us as a group. "You guys. You have to come see this swimsuit in here. It's got piano keys all over the ass! Come on, guys!"

Nothing like Jeff on a shopping spree to provide a good distraction.

We finally managed to drag Jeff away from the shopping, but not before he'd bought us all matching Ogunquit t-shirts. "I'm bound and determined to wardrobe everyone," he'd said.

Hay had held hers up to her front. "We should all wear these on the way home. It would freak people out."

We stopped at a takeout Chinese restaurant and placed an order, which Hay then held steady with her feet as we hunted down our motel. It was a little farther out of town than the other motel owner had made it sound, but other than that, she'd been spot on in her description. I'd gotten us checked in and we took our delicious-smelling food inside, leaving our bags in the station wagon.

Hay set the food down on the small table in the corner of the room and we all swarmed it. Every last morsel of watercress and every piece of rice was gone before too long. I looked mournfully at the empty containers. "We should have ordered more," I moaned.

Jordan tossed a bag of potato chips at me. "Here, you can have these," he offered.

Hay looked at the snack. "Nothing like barbecue chips to go with Chinese barbecue chicken," she snickered.

Adam opened the door. "Hey, who's going to help me unload the car?" he called over his shoulder as he walked out. Everyone but me followed. I quickly ate up the chips before Jordan changed his mind and then joined them.

It only took us a few minutes to bring in the bags, and then we scattered. Adam and Jordan went outside to take a look around. Jeff had turned on the television and was watching the news, with Vanessa providing commentary. I had no idea where Hay had gone—to the bathroom in the girls' room, I assumed. I took out my crossword puzzle and tried to finish it. I was missing enough letters to drive me mad.

Some time passed. Vanessa went to use our bathroom. I tossed the puzzle aside in disgust. "Seen Hay?" I asked Jeff, who was now engrossed in a game of Wheel of Fortune. He merely shook his head. Since I'd last seen her headed into the other room, I went to the door and opened it without a second thought.

The room was dimly lit, and for a moment, I wasn't sure what I saw. I stepped a little farther into the room and squinted. The only light burning was a small lamp on the far side of the bed. It illuminated a back, leaned over the bed, head bent forward. He was kneeling on the bed, over someone else; the other person lay face up on the bed, her arms around his neck. Her shirt was hiked up under her breasts, and his hands were caressing her bare back. Their eyes were closed and they only noticed each other as they kissed on and on. I backed back out of the room without either one of them noticing.

When I was back in the other room, I closed the door quietly behind me and then pushed up against the door, my heart pounding. Jeff looked at me quizzically. "You okay over there?"

I wanted to scream at him that, no, I was not okay. I had just seen my brother making out with my best friend. All I wanted was to erase that image from my memory. I shook my head, less in answer to his question than to clear my head. "Got any brain bleach?" I asked.

Jeff blinked. "Uh," he answered eloquently. I forced myself away from the door and joined him on the bed. "You going to tell me what's going on?" he added.

I reached across the bed and took the remote from next to his thigh. "Nope."

Adam came in from outside, carrying a big bucket of ice, which he dumped unceremoniously into the cooler. I was holding the remote but just fidgeting with it. "Byron...you're as white as a ghost. What's the matter?"

I shook my head again. Jeff cocked his head to one side. "Don't bother; I haven't been able to get a peep out of him." He reached over and took the remote back from me, wrestling it out of my hands. "Something spooked him in the other room though."

Adam looked like he was going to continue the questions, but the bathroom door peeked open and Vanessa's face appeared in the crack. "Haley?" she called.

Jeff looked at Adam, then at me, then back at Vanessa. "Absent," he replied.

We could only see a sliver of Vanessa's face, but she looked decidedly uncomfortable. "Can you go get her?" she whined.

"No," I piped up. "She's, um, busy."

"Please?" Vanessa pleaded. "I need something from her."

"Vanessa," I said, starting to lose my patience a little bit, "I am not going to interrupt Haley right now. Is there anything any of us can help you with?"

Her face clouded over. "Not unless any of you has a tampon," she snipped.

Jeff, Adam and I looked at each other. "I don't know about the others, but I'm not in the habit of carrying those around," Adam told her.

Vanessa scowled. "Well, Haley is, and I'm not mistaken, she probably has a whole box of them in that oversized purse of hers. So if you're not willing to go stop whatever's so goddamn important that she's doing, could you at least bring me some goddamn tampons!?" She slammed the door shut behind her.

Jeff looked at us. "Are we going to get Haley's purse?" he asked.

I shook my head. "It's in the other room, and like I said, she's busy in there. More than my life's worth to interrupt her now."

Jeff and Adam looked at each other, probably wondering what exactly was so taboo that I wouldn't interrupt it. "Guess one of us is going to have to go buy some tampons," Jeff said slowly.

Without a word, Adam and I turned to each other and shook a fist three times. Jeff stared at us until we slammed our fists down, in unison, into our other hand. I kept my fist rounded, but Adam laid his flat. "Paper covers rock. I win!"

I grumbled under my breath as I grabbed the car keys off the table. "I'll come with you," Jeff offered.

As I was pulling on my shoes, Adam picked up the remote control and started flipping channels. "Seen Jordan?" he asked.

"Yeah, I have," I said, and then walked out the door, causing Jeff to run to catch up.

I had barely pulled out of the parking spot when Jeff turned to me from the passenger's seat. "Okay, spill," he demanded. "What was Haley doing in there that's got you so worked up?"

I eased out of the parking lot and drove a short way before I responded. "She was on the bed with Jordan."

Jeff raised his eyebrow. "Were they...?"

I let out a breath. "No, thank God. But they were about a minute from second base."

He watched me for a moment, and I tensed up even more at the visual inquisition. Finally he spoke. "Well, that's a good thing, right? Honestly, I might have only been around you all for four days, but I can see she basically clings to you. I'm glad you two have each other, but it isn't really healthy for you to be everything to one another, right?" He paused, looking straight ahead for a moment, making a pained face. "Oh, my God, I sound like my therapist." A funny little laugh escaped his mouth.

I glanced at Jeff briefly, concerned. He pulled himself back together and looked at me again. I took a deep breath. "You're right, though. Remember, I said yesterday, I worry that she's always alone when I'm not with her. But her and Jordan...well, just two days ago, she punched him in the face! She called him a miserable human being not twelve hours ago. And just now, she was letting him feel her up. It's just not like her, you know?" Jeff shook his head and made a 'hmm' noise and I continued. "I've been hanging out with Hay for three years, and in that time, she's never had one date. Lots of guys asked her out, at least that first year, so she could have gone on dates and had boyfriends, and she never once said yes to any of them. So for her to turn on a dime like that...it just concerns me, okay?"

Jeff smiled kindly. "I understand. I just think it's not maybe as big a deal as you're making it out to be. Haley knows Jordan. She's known him about half her life. Maybe she figured out about his year-long obsession with her. Or maybe he told her, I don't know. Maybe she just figured she was ready for something more than a hug from her best friend, and he was right there. Whatever. In any case, is it really a bad thing if she gets together with Jordan?"

I thought about that for a minute. "No," I said slowly, still mulling it over, "It's not. I think I just rather would have found out by one of them telling me rather than catching them in the act."

He laughed a little, and then turned sober. "I hate to even say this, but I think there's a little more to it than that. I'm only saying it because I'm your friend, but could it be possible that you're a bit jealous? Not necessarily of Jordan kissing Haley specifically, but that they have someone to kiss at all?"

And damn him, he was right. That was definitely the hardest part of being in the closet: you can't just find a guy, like Hay had suggested I do, and have a good time. Because someone will definitely find out and then everyone will know. And anyway, I didn't know any other gay guys to even find and get together with. I blushed, grateful that it was dark, and pulled into the parking lot of a twenty-four hour grocery.

I went to get out of the car when Jeff put a hand on my arm. "Hey, Byron?"

"Yeah?" I turned to him. Jeff spent a moment trying to get the words out, and then shook his head. He looked away and bit his lip. I could tell he had lost his reserve again. "Hey, no worries, Jeff. Whatever it is, you'll tell me when you're ready. Anyway, you were right. Maybe you should just revel in that for a moment."

Jeff grinned with his mouth, but his eyes looked sad. "What was I right about?" he asked.

I smiled for real at him as I climbed out of the car. "Everything. What else?"

By the time Jeff and I got back, Haley and Jordan had rejoined the crew and Vanessa had been rescued from the bathroom. I handed her a box of tampons and she just grunted. "You owe me big time," I told her.

Adam and Jordan were on one bed, and Hay and Vanessa were on the other. Vanessa opened the box and dug out a tampon, which she handed to Hay. "Thank you," Hay said, stuffing the extra in her pocket. Vanessa tossed the box aside and they went back to the magazine they'd been poring over when Jeff and I had come in the door.

Jordan was sharing a bag of chips with Adam and watching a hockey game on television. Neither he nor Hay gave any sign that they knew that I'd walked in on them, or any sign that they'd even done what I'd seen them do. I looked over at Jeff, who shrugged at me. There wasn't any room left on the beds, so we sat down at the table in the corner. "Adam? Can we borrow your cards?" Jeff asked. Adam jumped off the bed and pulled out box of two decks, which Jeff then shuffled together. "Okay, By, you gotta teach me the secret behind that spite and malice game so I can kick everyone's ass next time."

I shook my head at him. "I suck at cards."

"So? We'll suck together." He handed me the deck. "You deal."

We were only halfway through the game when Jeff started yawning. He turned to the group as a whole. "So. Sleeping arrangements? We could stick to the same rooms we had last time. Or we could let Jordan and Haley have the single room and the rest of us bunk up in here."

Absolute silence followed that statement. Hay dropped the magazine, her face blazing scarlet. Adam and Vanessa stared at Jeff, confused. Jordan's mouth dropped open. I ducked my head, trying not to get involved. After a moment of crickets chirping, Hay found her voice. "What the hell are you talking about?" she asked, looking venomous.

Jeff smiled at her. "Oh, come on, Hay. Byron walked in on the two of you." So much for trying not to get involved. I burned as bright as Hay and looked at the carpeting. Even so, I could feel a couple faces on me.

Hay jumped up and ran into the other room, slamming the door behind her. Vanessa looked questioningly at Adam, who nodded at her, and she followed Hay into the other room, calling after her. That left the four of us guys alone in the room together. I still had my eyes on the floor.

Jordan looked over at Jeff, looking like he was going to give him hell, but then stopped and grinned. "What the hell, Jeff?" he asked, not sounding upset, but rather giddy.

Jeff took a look at Jordan's stupid goofy grin and chuckled. "Sorry, dude. Was it supposed to be a secret?" he asked.

Jordan got control of his expression a little bit, but he still looked happier than I'd seen him in a long time. "No. At least I don't think so. I mean, Haley said that she isn't sure what this is, but I think that just means that we aren't officially dating or anything."

Adam thumped Jordan on the shoulder. "So what exactly are we talking about here?" he asked.

Jordan's smile turned mushy again. "Second base," he said.

Adam looked impressed. "Whoa, dude. How did this happen? You were about her least favorite person on earth earlier today."

"The power of an apology, maybe? Either that or I'm just that good of a kisser." All three of them smirked.

I shuffled a foot around on the floor and inadvertently caught Jordan's attention. "Hey, Byron. You and me are cool, right?"

I finally looked up. "Yeah. Why wouldn't we be?"

He looked a little embarrassed. "Well, Jeff said you saw me and Haley while we were..."

I shook my head, lowering it again, hiding behind my hair. "It wasn't exactly my favorite image, and I'm going to need a lobotomy to get it out of my head, but that's alright. I'll get over it." I scuffed my shoe around some more. "But I gotta tell you, man. You hurt her and I'll kill you."

Jordan laughed. "I'd expect nothing less out of you."

I wish I could say Hay was as easy going about what happened that night as Jordan was, but I couldn't. Not even close. And for some reason, she held me entirely to blame for everything.

I found that out the hard way the next time I saw her, after everyone was showered and dressed the next morning. Vanessa came in to get some breakfast. She discovered the milk had soured, so she and Jordan ran to buy some more from the grocery. Adam was styling his hair and Jeff was munching dried fruit and watching PBS kids. I knocked on the door to the girls' room, and when I didn't get an answer, I went in.

Hay was on the bed, flipping through a notebook of some kind. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her, just like any other time. Only this time, she shoved me hard and knocked me off the bed. "Ow! What the hell, Hay?" I spit as I sat back up, rubbing my arm where she'd shoved me. Suddenly I was glad she hadn't punched me like she'd done to Jordan. She's got strong arms.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" she asked, putting the notebook aside and standing over me.

Oh, crap. "Can you be more specific?" I asked.

She leaned in closer. "I mean, spying on me and Jordan last night."

I sputtered. "I was not spying on you. How was I supposed to know that you guys were in here together? Isn't there some kind of code for that? Like leaving a sock on the door knob or something?" She leaned in even closer, her eyes blazing. "Okay, okay. Bad joke. But honest, I just walked into the room, saw you two on the bed, and walked back out. No spying intended. I wasn't even going to mention it to you."

"But you told Jeff."

I hung my head. "Yeah, I told Jeff. Listen; imagine if you walked in on me kissing your brother." She involuntarily shuddered. "See? I had to tell someone. And he talked me down a little bit. But if I'd known he was going to blurt it out like that, I wouldn't have."

The outside door to the other room opened and Vanessa and Jordan returned. "We've got milk!" I heard Vanessa call. Haley whirled around and stalked out the door, leaving me behind without a goodbye. By the time I'd gotten off the floor, brushing off my butt (and my pride) and made it into the other room, she had a bowl of Lucky Charms and milk. I walked in through the door, and she walked back through it without acknowledging me, slamming it behind her again.

Jordan quirked an eyebrow. "What's with her?" he asked, nodding toward the still vibrating door.

I picked up a box of Cap'n Crunch and poured a bowl. "She's mad about last night." Jordan wrinkled his brow. "Not about what happened between you. But about how everyone found out."

Jeff looked chagrined. Jordan moved to join Hay next door, but I physically stopped him. "Don't. Wait ten minutes before you talk to her."

He looked irritated. "Don't be a know-it-all, Byron. I just want to make sure she's okay."

I let him go but shook my head. "Forget that I'm your brother for a minute. Forget I'm a guy. Just think of me as Haley's best friend, okay? When she's this upset, she needs some time to calm down. Otherwise, she'll say something you'll both regret."

Vanessa interjected. "He's right. When I went in there last night, she tore me a new hole. Even though I didn't make out with her, or 'Peeping Tom' her, or share her news with the whole world," she said cheerfully. Jeff and I both winced at the phrasing, but she plowed on, unabated. "After a few minutes she calmed down and apologized for it. And then we worked together to come up with as many insulting names for men as possible, in alphabetical order. We got stuck at Q."

I ignored the second half of that statement for the time being. "Anyway, Jordan, trust me on this one. Eat your breakfast, and then go talk to her. And I do think it should be you who talks to her anyway, even if that makes me sound like a know-it-all."

We all ate quietly for a while with Sesame Street as our only sounds. Finally Jeff put his bowl down. "Couldn't come up with a Q?" he asked Vanessa thoughtfully.

After we ate, Jordan went into the other room, and a few minutes later, he led Haley out to join us. He had one hand gently on her back, guiding her, and she looked unsure of herself. Jordan made a joke with Vanessa, still standing there with his fingers on Hay's shoulder blade, and when Hay realized that no one was going to make a single comment to her, she visibly relaxed a bit. Jordan noticed and eased his hand around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him. She looked up at him and smiled her thousand-watt smile.

Despite the fact that it wasn't beach weather, we'd decided to spend the morning at the beach. When we'd managed to find a news broadcast, they'd said the temperature was supposed to go down for the next couple days, meaning that this was the closest we were going to get to a "nice day" in Maine in April. We all put on our windbreakers and hoodies and piled into the car.

The beach was ridiculously beautiful, even though it was maybe sixty degrees outside. We spread out a picnic blanket, and I swear, we all regressed to being seven and eight for a couple hours. We built sandcastles and tossed a ball around.

By lunch time we were covered in sand, sunburn and windburn. I ate the last of the ham in a sandwich and then took a walk down the beach alone. When I got far enough away that I could barely see everyone else, I came across a pier, one of those decorative ones that isn't used for boats or fishing. I sat down at the end of it, staring out to the sea and thinking about everything that had happened so far this trip.

I didn't even hear Hay come down the pier, despite the fact that it must have creaked many times over. She sat down beside me, far enough away that we weren't touching, but reached her hand out to poke me in the side. I didn't acknowledge her; I wasn't ready for her to intrude on my thoughts. Finally she scooted a bit closer, still not touching me, and spoke my whole name. "Byron?"

"Hmmm?"

She looked at me and I could tell I was annoying her. But I could also tell she felt like she deserved it. "I'm sorry about before," she said.

I still didn't look at her, but I finally spoke. "You know I'd never purposely do anything to hurt or embarrass you."

Hay sighed. "Yeah. I know. I overreacted." She put her hands into her lap and grabbed the bottom of her hoodie, twisting it over and over. "This is just something I haven't really done before. Getting close to a guy in this way, I mean. I just wanted time to think it over and maybe even enjoy this relationship or whatever it is." She chuckled a nervous chuckle. "I also was afraid that you'd be unhappy about this."

I shook my head. "I just want you to be happy. Even if that means you're letting my doofus brother slobber all over you." She let go of her hoodie long enough to smack my arm. "Ouch! You already bruised that arm earlier today. Leave it be, will ya, Hay?"

She smiled a real smile but her hands went back to the jacket. "Do you really mean that? I was afraid you'd be, I don't know, jealous or something."

It was my turn to chuckle. Still looking out over the water, I responded. "Jealous of Jordan for getting to kiss you, or jealous of you for having someone to kiss?" Hay's mouth twitched, and she looked like she was about to say something, but I plowed on. "On the first, no, sorry. Gay, remember?" She smiled. "On the second? Yeah. Definitely."

Hay smiled, a little sadly. "Well, what about Jeff?"

"What about Jeff?"

She laughed a hollow laugh. "Remember when I told you that I knew you were gay because you didn't hit on me? Well, I had that fact confirmed for me by the way you kept staring at one of the guys in my algebra class. You are so transparent when you like a guy, Byron." She patted my knee. "So I know you like Jeff."

I threw my hands up. "So what if I do? He's straight, Hay. Remember, the ex?"

She waved that away. "Trust me on this, By. Jeff likes you, too. Maybe even more than you like him."

My cheeks grew warm as I remembered Jeff's arms around my body. "Weren't we talking about you, here?" I demanded.

Hay laughed again, a little happier this time. "What's there to talk about anyway? I came, I saw, I made out."

I turned to her finally, leaving the calming waves of the ocean on the edge of my vision. "Yeah, but why now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just what I said: why now? I've been your friend for three years, and in all that time you've never even been on a date. And you could have, so it's not like you were just waiting around for some guy to ask you. If I remember correctly, even that guy in your algebra class that I had a huge crush on asked you out." She laughed again, back to sounding fake. More 'ha-ha' than her silent, happy laugh. "So I just don't get it. Why not go out with some of those guys?"

The sky had started to darken with clouds, and now her face did the same. "Maybe not enough time had passed," she said, sounding sad and lost.

I grabbed the arm closest to me. "Not enough time had passed since what?" I demanded.

Hay tore my hand off her arm with her free hand and scooted away from me, scrambling to her feet. "You're really going to make me say it?" she asked, now adding angry to the sadness. "This is payback for outing you, isn't it?" she accused.

"Say it, Haley."

She backed away from me, down the pier. "Dammit, Byron. Please. Let it go," she pleaded.

I shook my head as I got to my feet. I didn't know exactly what she was going to say, but I knew it was big. "Not until you say it."

She started to cry, angry, hurt tears. "I was raped," she said in a voice just above a whisper.

In seconds I had my arms around her and she put her head on my shoulder. She cried soundlessly for a few minutes, and then wiped her face on my jacket. "I've never said that before," she told me.

I eased up on the hug and put some distance between us so I could see her face. I didn't say a word, but my expression said, "Talk about it."

She read it right away. She pulled out of my arms and started walking back down the pier as drops of rain began to fall. "Do you remember a girl Vanessa and I used to hang out with named Diane?" I fell into step with her and shook my head. "I didn't think so. She was more my friend than Vanessa's. Well, she had this brother. Three years older than me and Diane. Gorgeous. His name was Dominic."

I thought about that for a moment and remembered a Dominic Dumschat who was two years ahead of me in school. Hay was right. He was gorgeous, but more than a little arrogant. I nodded or her to continue.

"Well, the summer before high school, Vanessa and I went over to Diane's to hang out. Dominic was there, and he started flirting with me. When we left, he followed me out of the house and asked me out. Vanessa said I shouldn't do it, but I said yes." She sniffled. I found myself wishing I was one of those people who carried tissues in his pocket. "The first two dates were okay. On the first, he kissed me goodnight. It wasn't my first kiss, but it felt like the first one that counted, you know?" I knew exactly what she meant. "On the second date, he drove me home in his car and he reclined both our seats back and kissed me for a while. I was so thrilled because here was this cute senior making out with silly little freshman me."

She stopped for a moment. Jordan was running down the beach toward us, holding an umbrella. He was still far enough away that he couldn't hear. The rest of her story came out in a tumble of words. "But on the third date, he took me in the backseat. I was thinking, maybe we'll lie across the seat and mess around like we had the night before. And that's how it started." She started to cry again. "But when he hit second base, I panicked and told him to stop. He told me not to be a tease. And then he pulled out a condom..." Hay was crying too hard to go on, but she didn't really need to, anyway. I had the picture. More of the picture than I wanted, in fact. Suddenly, I knew that if I ever saw Dominic Dumschat again, I'd kick his ass.

Jordan joined us a moment later. "Everything okay?" he asked Hay, looking at me like I was the cause of her tears.

I answered for her. "I just told her a really sad story that ended with a dog getting hit by a car. I cried the first time I heard it, too."

Jordan may be many things, but stupid is not one of them. He didn't believe a word I said. "Um, okay," he said, knowing that something more was going on. He moved to put an arm around her again, but she sidestepped him. He looked hurt and confused at the same time.

I caught Hay's eye. "You got some tissues in that huge purse of yours?" I asked. She nodded, slowly, her tears subsiding again. "I'll go to the car and get them for you."

She caught my hand. "No. Jordan, do you mind? Please?" He nodded, unhappy, and took the car keys from her. After he was out of earshot, she continued the story, picking up 'after.' "Vanessa and I got into a big fight over it. That was the day you walked me home. She basically told me it was my fault."

I stopped dead in my tracks. "She told you it was your fault you got raped?"

Hay looked up at me over her shoulder. "Well, I didn't say the word. I told her Dominic had gotten 'handsy.' She said you should expect nothing less with a seventeen year old and that she'd told me not to go out with him. I think she was really surprised when I cursed her out." She started walking to where we could see Vanessa, Adam and Jeff smashing the sandcastle we'd worked on for hours.

I followed. "She wouldn't have said that if she'd really known what happened." Hay nodded, and she started walking directly in front of me. Probably so that I couldn't see her face. "You've really never told anyone this before? Not even your mom?"

A head shake. "No," she said, her voice muffled by the wind and the rain, "I didn't want to get in trouble. My mom would have never let me go out with Dominic. Too old. So I told her I was hanging out at Diane's when we went out."

Jordan met us, holding Haley's purse. She had stopped crying but her face was wet from tears and rain, so she pulled out a tissue anyway. Jordan watched her intently as she wiped her face and stuffed the tissue in her pocket. "Thanks," she said, grinning at him. Jordan smiled back, and Hay reached out to take his hand. He looked shocked and pleased as he squeezed her hand and they walked back to our crew. I followed, a few steps behind, wishing I had a tissue for my own face.

We had planned to leave the beach and take a walk that afternoon, but the weather had different plans for us. We went back to the motel, tired and wet, and in some cases, emotionally drained. Hay begged off and went to the girls' room to take a nap, while Vanessa decided on a hot shower and also retreated to the girls' room. The four of us guys all looked at each other, not sure what to do with the next couple hours. It's not as if there were too many options.

We played a few rounds of bullshit with the cards before we got bored with that. Vanessa had rejoined us by that point. I got up to use the john, and when I came back, Jordan and Vanessa were gone. "Emergency chocolate run," Jeff explained.

Adam flipped on the television and the three of us vegged in front of the set for about an hour. I looked at the alarm clock between the beds and blinked. "They've been gone a long time for chocolate," I commented.

Jeff and Adam exchanged a look. "What aren't you telling me?" I asked.

"Oh," Adam said, like the thought had just occurred to him, "Jordan might have decided to maybe let Vanessa drive the car around for a while."

I sat bolt upright. "What?"

Jeff was extremely casual about it. "She mentioned that your parents had never let her try driving in the rain."

Internally I was screaming. Both Jeff and Adam were watching me closely, so I took a deep breath. "Oh." They stared at me, waiting for me to blow a gasket. I turned my back for a second and took another breath. "I'm going to go take a shower," I said, barely looking at them.

I walked calmly into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I was pretty sandy and gross, but I mostly just wanted to get away from them. As I washed my hair, I thought hard about how other people saw me. There's one thing I've never understood. They tell you not to give in to peer pressure or worry about how other people think of you all the time while you're growing up. But at the same time, they tell you to do this or that to make yourself look good or fit in. We wear deodorant and say please so we don't offend others. There comes a time when you can't have it both ways.

Old Byron would have flipped out that Jordan was letting an unlicensed driver behind the wheel of the car. New Byron, whoever he was, wanted to say, "Screw them. If they wreck the car, it's on them. I have nothing to do with it," and let it go. I wasn't sure that New Byron was so much better.

I turned off the shower and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't look any different than I had a week ago. Same long brown hair. Same blue eyes. Same face that probably needed a shave. Yet I felt different. Older, maybe. More mature. Definitely more honest.

Jordan and Vanessa were back by the time I came out of the shower. "Bring me any chocolate?" was all I said to them.