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The Life And Times Of Ryan Lupin

Episode IV: The Tale Of The Spontaneous Self Combusting Cows

I have to admit that this one caused my father a lot of grief. Cows that suddenly sprouted fangs were not a common thing in the Muggle world, and Remus had an awfully hard time explaining to the Muggle farmer why his herd needed to be quarantined until dawn. Fortunately for us both, inbreeding was prevalent in rural Western Australia at the time of my escapades, and the farmer we happened to cross was not the brightest of intellectuals. I do believe however, that after he exclaimed his herd of cows exploded into clouds of dust one by one at first light he was locked in St. Mortimer's Asylum for the Nimble Minded. Sigh. You can't save them all...

"Aw, hello sweetie, what's your name?"

Ryan had been in mid sneak across the shadowed, dimly lit street when he was busted. Hunched over him with a pathetic gooey grin on her face was a young woman of about 20 to 30 years of age, staring at Ryan with such adoration that he was quite inclined to vomit. However, his first reaction was too look up at her in a bewildered fashion with his infamous 'caught in the headlights' face. To Ryan's dismay, it only made her become more disgustingly taken with his charming good looks. Three, he decided, was a terrible age to be for a roguishly handsome young man, for every young woman you came across had this impulsive desire to pinch your cheeks and talk to you in ridiculous voices whilst planting kiss after sloppy kiss on your face until you were dripping with saliva. And it didn't stop with the young women, oh no, it only got worse when the old ducks from the retirement villages escaped and wandered past.

This latest women was the last straw. There is only so much a young vampire can take, and being pounced upon by strange women of all ages for months now had finally taken its toll. Well, no more cutsie stares and cheek pinching for this vampiric toddler. Oh no, this little vampire had finally had enough.

"My name is Rwan, and I vant to suck your blood." he said innocently.

Damnit. Why do they always insist on picking me up? he thought in exasperation as he found himself hoisted off the ground.

The woman laughed in an 'oh, that's so cute' manner, before pinching Ryan's cheek as he rested in her arm. The young boy's eyebrow twitched dangerously.

"Honey, did you hear that? Someone's been watching too many vampire movies, yes you have, yes you have you cutsie wutsie wittle boy." She said with a giggle, before turning to her boyfriend, "He's cold, he must only be three years old, where's his parents? Do you think they lost him?"

More like I lost him, ignorant woman. Ryan thought with a snicker knowing full well that Remus would be tearing around western Australia in search of him by now.

"He probably slipped away from them," The young man said with a shrug, "Three year olds are hard work."

You ain't seen nothing yet, buddy. Ryan thought darkly as my tiny fangs elongated.

Ryan grinned to see the young woman's adoring eyes fade to a look of uncertainty as she called to her boyfriend, "Um, sweetheart?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you suppose his teeth are that pointy?" She asked shakily.

"Because, Blunt fangs no pierce flesh." Ryan explained in a tiresome voice as her boyfriend peered over her shoulder to examine his teeth.

It only took one blood red flash of Ryan's eyes and a low growl to make the girl shriek violently and drop Ryan to the ground before they both fled down the street back the way they had come. He picked himself up and dusted himself off, feeling significantly pleased with himself as he darted across the road once more, now unhindered by ignorant Muggles. His blood was pumping with sugar, coursing through every inch of his little body as he ran. Remus had been completely unaware as Ryan had swiped a couple of fists full of blood clots from the candy store as he perused the daily Prophet. If he was going to be good at this father thing, he needed to pay more attention.

Ryan had seen the cows upon his daily stroll with Remus, and immediately he had become fascinated with the creatures. Now, as he retraced his steps to their whereabouts, he could hear his father's faint shouts coming from 100 yards at least behind him. He quickened his pace. So much work to do, so little time. For some reason Ryan could not understand, Remus was very against Ryan's fascination with turning animals into vampires. Frankly, Ryan could not see the harm in sharing his gift with the less fortunate. Remus however, seemed to find this unnerving.

Ryan huffed heavily as he rounded the corner and came across the herd all packing into a pen, grazing by moonlight. Stealthily he climbed into the pen and began his work.

"One moo cow for me." He exclaimed, plunging his teeth into a nearby cows neck. "Another one for me... and another one for me... Hey! Back off! That one's mine!" he snapped at one of the recently made vampire cows who was advancing toward a soon to be victim.

Mooo The cow said solemnly.

"You'll get your chance." Ryan said darkly, "My moo cows."

"Ryan James Lupin!" Remus roared, "I told you to stay away from those cows!"

"What moo cows?" Ryan asked in a muffled voice.

"The ones you have your fangs stuck into!" Remus said angrily.

"What fangs?" He asked popping his head up over the neck of a cow.

"The fangs in your mouth!"

"Oh these ones?" he asked, pointing to his fangs that had a small tuft of cow hair stuck in between them.

"Get your butt over here now!" Remus said in exasperation.

"But daddy, we have to get the cows to shelter. The sun will be rising soon." Ryan said desperately.

"Ryan," Remus said quietly, "Please don't tell me you turned the whole herd."

"Alright, I wont tell you." Ryan said after a moments careful thought.

"Ryan, we can't let them live." Remus said finally.

"But daddy-"

Remus raised an eyebrow as one of the cows let out a deranged 'moo' and lunged at another, biting its neck. "You see?" Remus asked folding his arms.

"I know." Ryan said proudly, "Aren't they cute?"

"They're dead." Remus pointed out.

"I know, that's why they're so cute." Ryan said simply.

"And if they bite the farmer?"

"Hey... that'd be interesting, can we stick around and watch?"

"No." Remus said firmly, "We're going to keep him away from the cows until the sun comes up and our little problem is solved."

"You can't kill them!" Ryan said desperately, "I worked so hard!"

"Ryan, when are you going to learn that you can't just run around and turn herds of cows into vampires all willy nilly?" Remus asked in exasperation turning his back on Ryan and the pen of cows. "The cows have to go."

Remus raised an eyebrow as he felt a gust of hot air on his neck and an unusual presence. He turned his head ever so slightly to see a large hairy snout with a pair of long fangs looming over his jugular. Remus rolled his eyes and donked it on the nose with his fist, causing it to jump back in surprise.

"You can't turn the hamburger into the hunter, Ryan, it's just not the natural order of things." Remus said with a sigh. "Besides -"

"Um, excuse me?" An unfamiliar voice came from behind Remus.

The werewolf turned to see a short, pudgy sort of man with a mullet holding a milking pail in his hand. "Can I help you?" He asked importantly.

"I was actually going to ask you the same question." the man said gruffly, "Is that your son riding on my cow?"

"Giddy up, Beefy McMooington! Giddy up!" Ryan called with glee as he kicked the cow in the ribs.

"He's still a little confused between cows and horses..." Remus explained dryly. "Ryan! Get over here. Those cows are dangerous!"

"I'd hardly call them dangerous." The farmer protested.

"That's the thing sir, I'm afraid they are. My name is Thompson, from the Dangerous Animal Quarantine Association. I'm afraid your herd has been infected."

"Infected?" The man whispered anxiously, "With what?"

"Well-" Remus said quietly, "Let's just say it induces blood lust. You need to keep away from them until well after dawn."

"You mean to say they might try to bite me?" The man asked incredulously.

"Oh no," Remus said with a small laugh, "They will definitely try and bite you. They are not to be trifled with after being infected."

"But after dawn they'll be fine?" The man whispered.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far..." Remus said under his breath.

"What?"

"Yes, yes perfectly fine. Although there have been a few reported cases of spontaneous self combustion..."

"Spontaneous..."

"Very unlikely." Remus said gently patting the farmer on the shoulder. "Now remember, well after dawn."

"Oh – Oh yes," the farmer said shakily as he back away toward the house, "after dawn, of course."

As the door to the farmhouse shut behind the man Remus turned to Ryan with a dark look. "No more moo cows for you."