"The time is right, your perfume fills my head,
The stars get red and oh the night so blue…
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like: I love you.
I Love You…"
--Frank and Nancy Sinatra
Fumbling Towards Ecstasy: Chapter 4 …Something Stupid …
Now, words were necessary to fix things. He just prayed he wouldn't mess it up.
Tidus opened his eyes, draining away the last glimpses of memory, and resumed his silent screening of Yuna at work. The entire face of the tree was now stripped bare with the exception of a few errant strands. It was these rare, microscopic faults which she was now in the process of meticulously searching out and removing at an agonizingly slow pace. Moving on to another tree, when the basket was already more than full, would be far past the level of ridiculousness she was already basking in. Thus, Yuna had set the genius goal for herself that once there was no more bark to collect, only then she would have to face him. After all…there was still the other side of the tree now wasn't there?
'So much to be said…and yet nothing to say' she thought with an ironic little smile as she brushed away a spot of dirt which contaminated the flawlessly uniform surface of the tree trunk.
'Perfect.' She took a step back to admire her work, acknowledging that it was indeed worthy of such an adjective. The dark wood underneath the rough surface was fresh and completely free of the weather hardships the outer layers had been put through for decades. It was a golden brown, soft to the touch and lightly scented of pine and dirt. And as she ran her fingers along the smooth surface, she was reminded eerily of the texture of his skin.
'So soft…so warm… So beautiful.' She took a deep breath and decided to bask in its aura for a few magical seconds longer before finally dropping her hands to her sides in defeat.
Feigning ignorance until the disintegrating daylight forced them to return to camp would be sentencing her heart to remain clenched and curious even in the after life. They had been through so much together, especially in the last two weeks, that he at least deserved to know why she couldn't be with him…why she couldn't be with anyone…ever.
"I am a summoner." She said at last, keeping her back to him, her hands clasped together so hard they almost drew blood.
To anyone else in Spira, that statement alone would be more than enough of an explanation. Her body and soul meant to remain untouched until her joining with the Final Aeon. Any other man would know and understand the rules that had regulated the actions of so many young female summoners before her for a thousand years.
But Tidus of course, was not just any man.
He made no sign that he had heard her; in fact he hadn't dared to even breathe. And for that she was grateful. She had repeated this motivational speech to herself so many times before, that it was easier pretending he wasn't there and this was just another attempt to reassure herself. "My purpose is to perform sendings for those who have fallen. To spread hope and happiness to all those I meet on my journey. To follow the teachings of Yevon and, of course, to fight and defeat Sin…till the end…I have been working towards this for as long as I can remember. It was the only thing I ever wanted to do. The only thing I ever found a purpose in doing. I believe this to be the most fulfilling way I could ever use my life. And I have never once doubted my decision."
'That is a complete lie' the little voice in her head argued fervently. 'You wanted to stay with him. You wanted to go to Zanarkand where a normal teenage girls' worst problem was what color lipstick to wear. You wanted to give all this up and simply be happy' it insisted. But she ignored it. Her thoughts began to stumble over themselves in the anxiety of getting all her ideas out at once.
Zanarkand was a fantasy. And in the real world, where people were dying pointlessly by the hundreds everyday, she had more important causes.
'Being happy' she assured herself an instant later, 'is bringing the Calm to Spira like my father before me. Happiness is knowing that I helped that little girl from the Mi'hen Highroad sleep in her bed without fear until she reaches adulthood. Happiness is doing what is right, and not simply what I want in the heat of the moment'. And with that, she shut down all the nagging doubt in one fell swoop and felt only anger at having had any of these rebel thoughts in the first place.
It was his fault she felt like this. He was the reason her imagination began to revolt and think up alluring alternatives to what her life could be like, even though she had never once before strayed from the path she had set since she was 7 years old.
'Just don't do it!' he had said that night at the spring…the very memory of it made her blood begin to boil.
'Forget all about Sin, about being a summoner. Forget all that. Ya know, live a normal life. Come on now, Yuna, whaddya say?'
How dare he even suggest such a thing! And so casually too…as if the decision were obvious.
"I will defeat Sin. I must defeat him." She said hotly, her rage spurring her to turn and face him without the slightest flinch. "And if that means sacrificing life and all aspects of it then I am more than prepared. My guardians understand this, my people understand this…the entire world acknowledges and praises me for it…but you" she wagged a shaky finger in his general direction, becoming even more annoyed by the fact that his stare was blank and apathetic, his back leaned up against a tree trunk and his legs stretched out lazily in front of him, as if he hadn't a care in the world. "You…you messed everything up!"
He raised his eyebrows at this, but nothing more. Almost daring her to try and explain how she arrived at such an absurd conclusion.
"I am a summoner. I…I am my father's daughter! A faithful follower of Yevon, despite the corrupt masters. I … I am a summoner!"
"Yeah…a summoner. I got it." He replied in an exaggerated tone, rubbing his ears to dramatize the volume of her voice. "You may want to repeat that though, just in case Bikanel Island didn't hear you."
"You think this is funny?"
"Loud? Yes. Funny? Not especially. And I'm considered to have a very tasteful sense of humor."
"You're impossible!" her breath started to become ragged, she was screaming so loudly. "These past two weeks you've been trying every trick in the book to get me to veer off my path but uh-uh…I'm telling you now it's not going to work! So stop trying!"
Tidus really did roll his eyes this time, knowing that there was no point in tiptoeing around her delicate emotions any longer. This one-sided argument was getting far past unreasonable. Though she was ardent about her "destiny" and her "path" all being set in stone, her unstable confidence had little to do with him. In his opinion, it had to do only with her faltering faith…and the frightening realization that everything she had worked for was nothing but a religious scam. The only thing pressuring her to veer off her chosen path was the common sense he knew was buried in there somewhere despite a lifetime of brainwashing.
Besides…she liked him…he could tell. Even though his several last advances had all been ruthlessly rejected, there was always some hesitation. And besides, she hadn't always been so callous. That night at the spring she had made the bold move (at least by her standards) of grabbing his hand on the walk back only to promptly throw it away upon arriving within view of the campsite, insisting that he head in first so as not to arouse suspicion.
Though he didn't see what the big deal was, her concern was understandable… sorta. Had they simply waltz in there with the evidence of their previous actions clearly written on their faces, he was certain at least one member of the party would have disemboweled him on sight. And so he had complied with her wishes, certain that at some point they would decide on a way to tell everyone...carefully…preferably while Lulu was tied down. Patience was all that was needed.
The next two nights had continued in much the same way. She would ask to be alone in order to "think", he would sneak away to join her and they'd share a few minutes of coy kisses and timid explorations until Yuna would break away, as always, whenever things grew too heavy and insist upon returning to camp. But it was she who put things in motion both times. It was she who signaled him to follow her when leaving for her 'private' time, knowing very well what was going to happen. How the hell had he become the evil lecher by simply complying to her request?
"If you don't mind my saying so," he began, with a smug smirk, knowing that logic always prevailed over female psychosis "there were two of us out there by the campfire, and at the spring and that night after the spring, and the night after in the woods when we…"
"Don't even remind me!" She feigned disgust, but blushed in reminiscence.
"AND…if memory serves correct, you will realize that I asked for your permission every. single. time." He stood up then, crossing his arms over his chest in defiance, while taking advantage of his height in order to stare her down. "And besides, now this may shock you, but it was you who insisted I follow. Remember? Sorry for interpreting wrong, but in my world, that means that this entire experience was not simply my peer pressuring, but genuine desire on your part."
If possible, Yuna grew only angrier at this. Didn't he understand how upset she had been those nights? The few days proceeding her learning that the entire religion was based on death, then barely escaping from the Via Purtifico followed by killing her own husband? He had taken advantage of her delicate emotional state which was unforgivable.
And desire?...Desire had nothing to do with it…Female summoners, under legal age and unmarried were unable to feel desire…
"The point is," she took a step forward, her face molded into an expression of intense fury so as to match his attempt at intimidation "you shouldn't have kissed me in the first place!"
He matched her step, towering over her, fists clenched. "And you shouldn't have gone along with it for a whole three days after, only to turn me away suddenly, with no warning and no explanation."
"I didn't just…I couldn't do it any…" she began to feel faint suddenly, but shook her head quickly to clear it, staying right on target. "I was confused okay? Just pretend those three days never happened. Is that so hard? It was a mistake. Just a stupid mistake! Can you not get that through your head!" 'Please let it go…I'm begging you to let it go…'
"No. No I can't! And I don't want to!"
"WHY NOT!" 'I'm sorry. But I can't stand being with you. I was too happy. Those three nights were the best of my life…and I cannot afford to doubt. I need to continue'
"Why? You want to know why I can't just erase the entire experience! The few moments I ever felt content since being ripped from my home and stuck in this god forsaken world?"
'I …never meant to hurt you…' She felt drained. Exhausted. She wished for nothing more at that moment than to just shut down and let time wash her problems away.
"If you care at all for me you'll just pretend nothing ever happened. I'm desperate! Please Tidus!" She felt hot. Had the temperature risen?
"It's too late Yuna…"
She fanned herself, stumbling a little, barely listening anymore "too late for what?.."
"Too late because I've already fallen in lov…"
…But she never heard it.
Her slight dizziness suddenly turned into a full on rush of fever. Dots danced in front of her eyes on her hearing suddenly changed pitch to as if she were under water… "I…what?...Tidu, whoa…" she stumbled a little, losing feeling in her limbs and felt her legs collapse beneath her.
Luckily, her ever vigilant guardian was there in a flash, catching her in his arms centimeters before she hit the ground, his eyes wide with fear.
"Yuna.?..Yuna!" He sat down and turned her over in his lap, checking her pulse and then her pupils as she continued to mutter incoherently.
He had seen this before…in blitzball, if players stayed in the sphere a second longer that their lungs were able to handle, they would freak out, shut down…drown in a sense until paramedics pulled them out, made them breathe into a bag (a rather primeval yet effective method of stabilization) until they calmed down. The sphere for games in Zanarkand, after all, was only simulated water so that there was never any risk of actually drowning. But running out of air, was running out of air…whether by water filling your lungs, strangulation or just a hallucination.
He was no doctor, but these symptoms seemed rather similar, though Yuna's case was a thousand times worse seeing as it wasn't a lack of oxygen that led to her spasm, but purely such an extreme emotional overload that it simulated the terrifying effect of drowning in open air.
And sadly, without a paper bag on hand, he really had no idea what to do to make it stop…
"Yuna," he said to her, grasping her squirming head within his hands, forcing her to look at him. "You're having a panic attack. Just breathe okay? Breathe with me, nice and slow..."
He mimicked the action, taking huge, exaggerated breaths to demonstrate. However, even though the instructions were simple enough, she found it strangely impossible comply. She felt her throat tighten and her lungs begin to burn with much needed air. Everything was blurry. She couldn't breathe. It was too hot.
"I…I can't…breathe…" she managed to get out between horribly loud gasps, as she clutched his upper arm, squeezing it in agony. The forest walls seemed to be closing in on her from all around. The trees spinning in a mind boggling dance.
"Just breathe Yuna!" she was struggling within his grasp, honestly scaring the hell out of him in the process. "It's an illusion! You can do it, just calm down okay? Breathe…BREATHE!"
She knew she couldn't. She had had these attacks several times before while in training to become a summoner and knew that they weren't serious, yet still terrifying all the same.
"Please Yuna…you can do it." His voice was strangled and far away, full with genuine fear and pain as he clutched her hand within his, in a fruitless attempt to lend her what strength he had left. And even through her blurry vision, she could almost see his eyes begin to moisten and sparkle.
…was…was he crying?
Something about this particular episode… was different this time.
More so than wishing the pain and anxiety to pass, this time she wished for nothing more than to find her voice and motor skills again, if only for a few seconds. If only to wipe away the tears now falling from his eyes and reassure him with a smile saying 'I'm going be fine. I just need to rest.' Which was exactly the case. Her body and mind were merely overrun and stressed and simply sought a desperate last resort for the repose she had so long been denying herself.
Her gasping became more strained, and her hold on his shoulder tightened painfully.
As if on cue, the burning in her throat reached its climax and the black dots got bigger in her eyes. She was slowly slipping into unconsciousness as was in the curriculum. His voice, at first muddled, was now completely blocked and her last image was of him leaning over her, mouthing instructions desperately, tears running rivers down his cheek.
And right before she blacked out, her last thought was: 'Wow…he must really care about me.'
With one last, strangled attempt at a breath, she promptly closed her eyes and fell into the darkness… with a rare genuine smile fixed on her face as she, at last, felt peace.
It was several hours later when her eyelids began to flutter upon, slowly bringing her back into consciousness which she all too soon regretted. Her head was throbbing manically as though dozens of mini-cactuars were hitting her with their "1000 needles" attack all at once…or maybe that was just because her head was resting on the most uncomfortable pillow she had ever slept on.
"What the…" she groggily brought her hands to her head, grasping several fragments of rough bark that had been piled together, now tangled in her hair, in order to serve as a make-shift wilderness pillow. Honestly, the bare forest dirt would have been way more superior, but she dare not complain against an attempted effort to ensure her rest. After all, she had caused him enough anxiety in the past few days.
"Sorry about that…" she heard a raspy voice whisper from somewhere in the gloom in front of her, followed by the sound of the soft cackling fire as it was fed more wood. "We don't have any gear and…and I thought that I could perhaps use your sleeve bunched up…but I didn't know if that was appropriate…so the pile of bark was just there and I…well, sorry."
She opened her eyes slowly, adjusting to the harsh glare of a fire burning hideously brightly a mere meter from her face. Tidus was hunched over on the opposite side, knees pulled up to his chest as he poked the fire distractedly, unwilling to meet her gaze.
He looked tired…ragged even.
His hair stood up in odd places and his bloodshot eyes were rimmed with dark circles, gruesomely highlighted by the fire's glow. He looked…terrible to say the least. For the first time since they began their journey, Tidus hadn't bothered to groom himself as usual and his disheveled appearance was more than a little alarming.
Had he…stayed up this entire time…just watching her? It was late…definitely past midnight and with a sudden spurt of realization, Yuna sat bolt upright.
"Lulu, Wakka, Auron! They must be worried sick!" she tried to stand up quickly, stripping off whatever strange garment was laid across her as a blanket and pushed herself to her feet…only to immediately regret the action. A sickeningly strong wave of nausea instantly overwhelmed her, clouding her senses and causing her to fall back into her bed once more, almost certain she was going to be sick.
Within a second, he sprang to her side, cushioning her fall as her entire weight landed un-gracefully on his thigh bone, almost breaking it in the process. He tried not to wince as he awkwardly squirmed from underneath her and positioned her back into her horizontal position, knowing all to well that moving was not in the agenda for at least another few hours.
"Hey there…take it easy!" he insisted, re-arranging the pile of bark underneath her head, before gingerly placing her upon it. She cringed upon making contact with the scratchy surface once more, but was too touched and exhausted to even consider complaining. "I com-sphered them a few minutes after you fainted." he explained, while smoothing her hair away from her face mechanically. "Though they were less than happy…" he cringed, remembering the 'you're dead' tone in Lulu's enraged voice as he announced the situation "the only option seemed to be to let you sleep it off here. They'll come for us at first light, I'm certain, but until then all we could do is wait."
At the end of an hour long argument through the fuzzy image of the comspheres they all kept for emergencies, the valley had long since faded to a pitch black. After that, not one of them could deny that carrying Yuna across a fiend infested plain with no sense of direction was indeed a suicidal suggestion, as was making the entire party do the same in the middle of the night to retrieve the couple. Lulu had had no choice but to give up her relentless insistence that Yuna must spend every night within her watch, and instead reluctantly agreed that everybody remaining where they were until sunrise was the only sane proposition. Of course, the usual threats and warnings were necessary. And Lulu made sure to point out several times that should he even breathe on Yuna while unconscious, she would be certain to render him unable to ever enjoy women again.
Tidus knew better than to take the mage's threats idly…not that taking advantage of the summoner in such a state would ever have crossed him mind in the first place, he still he kept his distance in respect of his promise. So he spent the entire night, after setting up the fire of course, watching her sleep from afar. Never tiring, never even blinking…just remaining seated as far away as he dared while keeping his mind blissfully occupied in the task of making sure she remained safe and peaceful.
Upon retaining her wits, after a few deep breaths to restrain her vomiting reflexes, Yuna dared to open her eyes and explore her surroundings. She was in exactly the same spot where she had initially fell hours before. The naked trunk of the tree she had stripped was visible to her right, while Tidus had made a depression in the open space to her left, in which the fire was burning brightly. She was horribly uncomfortable on the forest floor and yet she embraced the subtle changes to her sleeping arrangement that she had become annoyingly accustomed to. For the last few months she had always slept cramped between Lulu's deep snoring and Rikku's random, tiny sleep-giggles while the boys usually stayed up telling stories by the campfire…this time, with only the sound of the cackling fire to fill her ears, she felt refreshed with the enjoyable change…even without the additional pleasantries of a sleeping bag and pillow.
But the blanket she was now using? They hadn't brought anything with them when they left…
She glanced down and pulled the small thin garment to her face in order to see it properly in the light and was shocked upon recognizing the shiny blue fabric and the red embroidered family-crest adorning the bottom half. Tidus was smiling sheepishly as she looked up at him in horror, trying to cover that fact that his once long pant leg was now almost shorter than the other one.
"You kept shivering…" he explained, blushing with embarrassment "It was the only thing I could think of…I know it's not much but…"
"But your uniform! It's…it's all you ever wear!" she was dumbfounded with the very idea that he would destroy his prized outfit for only a scrap of material. Especially since, though a gallant gesture, the square of fabric was so small that it couldn't possibly have made a difference.
He too, must have obviously noticed this.
"Yeah…I realized only after I ripped it off that it was a pretty dumb idea." He scratched the back of his neck distractedly, his eyes deliberately fixed on the fire to avoid her awed gaze. "But you just looked so cold…I thought that…never mind. It was stupid."
She could do nothing more than smile at him, clutching the small piece of fabric to her chest as if it were a cherished possession. It wasn't much, but at that moment it was really all he had to give. And that made it priceless in her eyes.
A stupid idea? Yes.
But also impossibly sweet.
"Thank you…" she whispered softly too him as he returned to his place on the other side of the campfire, his pants looking ridiculously short as he walked away. It took all her might to not laugh. "And it wasn't stupid…it was very guardian-like of you."
"Well, that's what I was aiming for." He sat down roughly, throwing a few more pieces of kindle in the fire from a pile to his right "Guardian-like…Nothing more, nothing less." He sighed and hung his head, the shame of their previous argument beginning to clench his heart in remembrance of what his persistence had brought her to. Though it had taken him a while, it seemed that he finally understood...
She simply couldn't handle it. That's why everyone was so protective of her, and why he had constantly been warned against even wishing to be with her. Not because they didn't like him, nor because of anything to do with morality…just because no human being could cope with the additional emotional baggage of a relationship while on such mission.
He had been stupid not to see it…and now look what he had done? She lay practically paralyzed on a dirt bed in the middle of nowhere all because he couldn't contain his urges.
"ImsosorryYuna" he blurted out, a little louder and faster than he intended.
She only blinked…then began to sit up again, this time more slowly than her previous attempt and carefully leaned her back against her tree, spreading her make shift blanket across her lap, ready to listen.
"I realize now that my role in your pilgrimage is more than I deserve. And…and I apologize for upsetting you like I did." He met her eyes then, with a small smile playing on his lips that begged for all be forgiven and forgotten so that they could continue the journey like they had before he learnt the horrible truth of "the end"…back when they simply laughed and enjoyed each day as it came, proving that ignorance was indeed bliss. "I'm just telling you that you no longer have to fear me. I cherish your friendship more than anything in this world and I'd do anything to have you trust me again…please?"
But she stayed silent, just staring at him with an almost scary stone-like expression on her face.
He coughed…urging her to add in her two cents.
She didn't even blink.
"Uhh…so…I agree that we just pretend the last two weeks never happened. Okay? This is your story after all and you can do whatever you want with it. Whaddya say Yuna?"
….silence…
"Yuna….?"
She was tracing the outline of his family crest on her lap with her fingertips. But other than that movement, she could have very well been petrified.
"So…that's settled then…yepp…" he poked the fire one last time before leaning back and rearranging his own pillow/pile of bark. "So we better try to get some sleep…Stranded in the woods or not, I wouldn't put it past Lulu get us marching as soon as the sun rises despite…"
"Have you ever been in love?"
He promptly fell into the pile, scattering his painstakingly arranged pieces into the indistinguishable forest floor.
'whaaaaa…?'
He quickly up righted himself, brushing off that leaves that had stuck to his chest, while scolding his imagination for trying to trip him up like that. "I'm sorry…" he said with an awkward chuckle "what did you ask?"
"I asked…if you had ever been in love?"
There it was again. The one question he couldn't answer and yet had to answer. Instead, he opted for complete avoidance.
"Why do you want to know?"
She shrugged innocently, continually toying with the fabric that was once his pant leg. "Just small talk" she insisted, casually glancing at him "I'm oddly awake right now and was curious…I don't know much about your life from Zanarkand. You could very well be married with 5 children for all I know."
He chuckled at that ludicrous thought, the tension in his shoulders gradually easing. "No no…not married, no children. At least none that I know of."
"That you know of?"
He shook his hand to dismiss her comment "Never mind…bad joke." He laughed uneasily and tried to occupy himself in collecting the remains of his bedding, but Yuna was annoyingly persistent in her interrogation.
"So…have you ever?"
"Ever what?"
"Been in love?"
He hesitated for a moment, trying to find the words, before he began hastily shaking his head "Uh…no…Well, maybe once…but no, not really."
"Maybe once?" she said, with a smile, bringing her knees up to her chest and leaning on them, resembling a little girl spreading gossip at a sleep over. "Who was she? What was she like?"
'She was you…'
"Uhh…I don't really want to talk about it if you don't mind."
Yuna sighed in disappointment, followed by a small nod of understanding "Broke your heart didn't she?"
'Yes…yes you did break my heart. Into a thousand, razor sharp pieces…'
"It just…wasn't meant to be. Let's leave it at that. Goodnight!" Finishing up his lame excuse for a headrest, Tidus plopped himself down on ground, and closed his yes with every intention of promptly falling asleep. Or at least pretending to. But Yuna was apparently indifferent to his ending of the conversation.
"I…think I've been in love. I can't tell though…"
With a sigh of annoyance, he peeped an eye open, silently glaring at the heavens for forcing him through his. The last thing he needed tonight was for her to talk about whatever past relationships she had had before Seymour and his arrival.
"You either were or you weren't." he said, a little more harshly than he intended. "It's simple enough."
"You'd think so. But…It was complicated. I couldn't tell …How can you tell?"
'This is insane' he thought, closing his eyes once more yet unable to leave her question hanging. He knew what it felt like all too well…
"It feels like you're sick, diseased, fevered and falling apart with everyday that passes. Like leprosy."
Yuna stuck out her tongue "Well that doesn't sound at all pleasant."
"It's not…" he said with a sadistic laugh. "It's horrible in fact. You ache for that person who means the world to you every waking second. It consumes you, love. Digests you. And even if you finally possess that person you desire, if they dare to reciprocate your passion equally and with intensity, then you feel nothing but gut wrenching fear that you'll lose them. You're constantly paranoid and deranged with jealousy until, of course, they inevitably push you away in fear. And then you're alone once more with the sickness. Except this time its worse, because you had it, and you messed it up. You wish then that you'd never had it at all. Whoever said 'it was better to have loved than lost, than never to have loved at all' was full of shi..." he caught himself, forgetting in the passion of his speech that he had to watch his language around her "well anyway, he was wrong."
"'Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'?" she repeated slowly, in awe "who said that? Somebody you knew back home?"
He kept forgetting that they were from completely different worlds, a thousand years apart. Of course all the famous quotations of his day and age would be news to her. "I…don't remember who said it. Some idiot, writer, guy." He waved the question away, flinging an arm over his eyes to block out the glaring light of the fire. "Now go to sleep Yuna. We have a long day tomorrow."
"I…I can't sleep" she whispered bashfully. He heard her shuffling around in her 'bed' but didn't bother to check what she was doing. When she spoke again, she was closer. "I think…I've realized something. Something I've felt all along yet didn't know what to label."
His reply was spoken through a yawn "Oh really?" he asked, humoring her while slowly beginning to drift off. "And what is that exactly?"
She was right above him now, leaning over his horizontal form, a little to close for comfort. A tad reluctantly, he slowly slid his arm from covering his eyes, revealing her intense stare as he did so.
Her eyes were fixed on his, solid and determined, almost like the look she gave when in battle. Whatever her epiphany was, it was serious.
All of a sudden, he felt he was fully awake.
"What is it?..." he asked quietly, with genuine curiosity this time. "What did you realize?"
She smiled…no longer the gossipy little girl, but a full fledged woman scrutinizing him with untainted longing in her eyes.
"That I love you…That I've always loved you."
She leaned in and kissed him then, cutting of the automatic gasp that was meant to be his reply…There was nothing coy, nor timid about this kiss. For lack of a better word…it was hot.
Horribly hot.
Despite the fact that he knew very well that this was just another one of her episodes…despite the fact that they would both regret this later…knowing very well that within the next 3 hours the other guardians would show up, she would feel instant shame and avoid him for the rest of the journey… he couldn't help but reciprocate and encourage her.
It was like every time before. He was just riding out the wave that would inevitably lead to his heart being crushed yet again.
Even after she climbed on top of him, knowing that in a few more seconds there would be no turning back… he still didn't even try to stop.
It was that fevered, disease eating away at his common sense again. And he hated it, cursed it, wanted with all his might to run away from it into the darkness of the night and scream all his frustration to the mountain tops…
Yet instead he flipped her on her back, hastily ground against her and fumbled desperately for the hem of her skirt, hiking it up past her thighs, All the while never removing his mouth from hers, moaning half in pleasure, half in frustration at his lack of control as her hands began to pull off his shirt, both of them writhing desperately to remove the annoying article of clothing.
This was stupid…so very stupid.
But he needed her so badly at that moment that nothing could have held him back.
He was going to make love to her tonight…finally.
The best thing he could hope for now was to die immediately after…now that would be happiness.
'Lulu's gonna kill me…'
Author's Note: So another chapter done. Still haven't bothered to up the rating yet since nothing specifically "M" rated has happened yet. Hope you're enjoying it so far and thanks to all those who reviewed me. It's very encouraging and any advice is welcome. Next chapter should be up soon since I'm itching to continue this scene, yet thought this was a good place to stop the chapter for suspense purposes. : P Yes, I'm evil. But what can you do? Muahahaha! See you next time on "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy – Chapter 5"