Ryan sat alone at a small coffee shop a few blocks between the bowling alley and the Dunder Mifflin, staring over the brim of his mug with his mind racing. People littered all around him, giggling teenage girls and gruff professor types and the occasional soccer mom with a stroller. He had twenty minutes until his meeting, one that he had been both looking forward to and dreading for the past few weeks. Step four was a big step. His sponsor had been going over it with him since the start. It had taken him a week's worth of solid work to get here, and tonight, he would share all his darkest demons with the world.

Kelly was already there with his parents when he arrived to the church. They were sitting in the back with some of the other outsiders who had been invited there to listen in on the session. There were always a few extra family members or friends there to lend their support, but this was the first time Ryan had actually brought someone. He had talked to both his mom and ex-girlfriend about coming at different points, but he had wanted to wait until this point. He knew that he was going to have to tell him both a lot of the things he had done, so it was just easier to kill two birds with one stone.

"Hey, mom," he said softly as he greeted her, clutching his trusted notebook under his arm as he reached forward to embrace his mother. She kissed his cheek solemnly before releasing him. Ryan felt like his parents were both examining him to see if their investments. His father seemed disappointed, his mother unaffected. "I'm really glad that you could come. Both of you."

"Yes, well, son, just remember that your mother and I had to put off our trip to come to this little meeting of yours," his father reminded him coldly. Ryan's automatic response was to snap back at him, but he swallowed his anger. People were going to judge him, even his own parents. He just had to find a way to deal with it.

Ryan's mom swatted his father's shoulder and grimaced at him. "You don't listen to him, honey, you know that you are the most important thing in the world to your father and me," his mother oozed. The insincerity was sickening. He wanted to believe that they cared that much, but before he even had time to really process it, his father's phone started buzzing and they disappeared into the hallway.

"Well, you mean the world to me," Kelly smiled as she slid her arms around his waist and hugged him. It was nice to have someone embrace him and have it actually mean something. He rested his chin on top of her head. "In fact, you mean even more to me than my phone."

An amused chuckle slipped out of Ryan's mouth as he peered down at the petite Indian girl standing before him. Just when he thought he knew exactly who Kelly was, she found another way to surprise him. "Thanks for coming, I really appreciate it."

"Where else would I be?"

"It's Monday night. I know that you're missing Gossip Girl to be here. That must mean I still rank, huh?" He knew that she was probably saving her favorite show to her TiVo, and he would be subjected to a complete update when she watched it later. They had fallen back into that old habit, late night phone calls where she would talk to him until they both fell asleep. It was one of the few old ways that he wanted back in his life. He liked hearing the tiny details over her life. She'd even helped him touch up the dye job a few days ago.

"Ry, this meeting is really important. I know what step comes next," she murmured as her dark eyes met those glimmering pools of blue. She still could drown so easily in his gaze, so willing to let him pull her under. It was a scary place to be but the closest thing she knew to home. Even if she was going to hear all the sins he had committed over the past two years, she was committed to not letting it change anything. "Are you ready?"

He held up his notebook and nodded. She knew that he had been working hard on making the list. Just as he was about to say something else, the group leader came into the room and directed everyone to take their seats. With one last hug for luck, Ryan slipped into the second row without looking back to see if his parents had returned. It didn't really matter if they were there anymore. He had invited them, and if he mattered, they would listen. This was really about himself and about Kelly. He was getting better for the life that he wanted for himself and with her.

The first half-hour of the meeting flew by as the family went through their usual series of rituals and prayers. A few people were recognized for reaching their milestones, while others shared their failures and successes for the week. Finally, the leader searched the crowd and met Ryan's gaze with a slight nod. With a deep breath for courage, Ryan slipped past the others in his row and made his way to the podium. He was careful to avert his eyes from Kelly's. He was afraid that he would look in her eyes and lose his confidence. This had to be said, it had to be done.

I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

"My name is Ryan, and I am an addict," he announced at the front of the room. The audience responded with their typical greeting before he continued. "Today, I am coming to terms with step four. It's a hard thing to sit down and literally write down all of the things I have done. I did a lot of very unforgivable things in the depths of my addiction. I was at the depths of hell at my lowest point, you all know my story. I ended up strung out on a bathroom floor in a hovel in Florida when I came to terms with my addiction. One phone call and a few hours later, I was on my way to rehab."

"Every single day is a struggle. In fact, there is a good chance that I will struggle with my addiction every day for the rest of my life. I know that it will get easier over time, but right now, it's hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel," he admitted as he scanned the crowd. "As I looked over my list of transgression this afternoon, I realized that there was one common theme running through it. The person that I hurt most in this was myself. I always thought it was someone else, but I've come to realize that by hurting those people, I hurt myself too. I used drugs to forget that and as a weird sense of punishment."

"Other than myself, no one has been hurt more by my addiction that my girlfriend, Kelly," he confessed. "Her name appears the most times on my list. I cheated on her, I ignored her, I degraded her, I made her feel like she didn't matter. The truth was that I didn't want anyone to see how bad I really was. I had no clue at the time that Kelly could see everything. She's always been able to do that with me, see through all the crap and get down to who I really am. Maybe that's why I pushed her away the most – I didn't want to have to see what she already knew."

"There are other people on this list, including my old friends from work and my parents. There are a lot of people I have to make amends with. They deserve an explanation and an apology. Some of them will forgive me, and some of them will brush me off. I have to be okay with the fact that some people will probably never see me as anything more than the addict they've known these past two years," he said sadly. "Besides Kel, I really need to make something up to my old boss. Our relationship has never been, uh, conventional, but Michael really cares about me for some reason. He has no real reason to even like me, but he has always been really supportive. I've started talking to him again, and I realize now that he needs that apology.

Ryan finally allowed his eyes to meet Kelly's as he started to wrap up his testimonial. "I invited Kelly and my parents here tonight to hear this because I knew that it wouldn't be easy for me to say it twice. I haven't even started to deal with all the things that I have done. I still have to go through this moral inventory item by item and confess them to God, to myself and to another person. For me, Kelly is going to be that person. She is the one person who I need to know all of this because I want her to know all of me. She deserves answer, and she deserves the love that I couldn't give her for so long. Wouldn't give her, I guess." He held her gaze for a moment and smirked. She had always loved that smile. "Thank you."

The room erupted into applause as Ryan ducked his head and sheepishly took back his seat. He wanted to look back over his shoulder for her, but he had to respect the rest of the speakers. The next hour was the longest of his life, but he managed to sit patiently while everyone else talked. However, as soon as they had closed with the serenity prayer, Ryan was on his feet and headed to the back of the room. Kelly flew into his arms as she sprinted down the aisle toward him. "Ryan!" she squealed. "You were so amazing! I am so proud of you!"

"Thank you," he whispered as he held her tightly. "Thank you."

"Well, you must be Kelly," one of the others in the group announced. They shared a lot in NA, so they had all heard quite a bit about his ex-girlfriend. "I'm really glad that you could come out tonight and hear Ryan's progress."

"I know, isn't he great?" she grinned. "I'm very proud of him."

"You should be," the man said politely. "He's made it very far."

Kelly wanted to tell the man that he had no idea what he was talking about, but she just smiled kindly and entertained him. She just wanted him to go away so that she could be alone with Ryan. She wanted him to know how proud she was of him. However, one by one, people came up to commend him for his act of bravery and meet the bubbly girl who had captivated so many of his stories. He retrieved some punch as a younger girl talked her ear off and returned with his parents in toe. Kelly wasn't sure how much of Ryan's speech they had actually heard but could tell that he was pretty upset. She wished that he could have parents that were as supportive as hers. As overbearing as they may be at times, it was only because they wanted the best for her. They were always there for her no matter what, especially since they had lost her sister.

"Hey, Ry, can you drive me home?" she asked suddenly. He was starting to get that twitchy look he always got when he was anxious to escape. She knew the look better than anyone. "I'm tired and I have work in the morning."

"Yeah, sure," he replied quickly, relieved to escape. Pam had dropped Kelly off at the church on her way home so that Ryan would have to take her home. It was their built-in escape clause. With a curt kiss on his mother's cheek and a nod to his father, Ryan led her out of the church and toward his mother's car. "Thank you, you're always saving me."

"Some day you'll repay the favor," she smiled as he held the door open for her. It had been a long time since he had done something so chivalrous for her. He jogged around to the other side and climbed behind the wheel. "You did really well tonight, Ryan."

"Thanks, I was kind of nervous."

"I know, but you did well," she assured him. "I need to ask you something."

"What is it, Kel?" he asked as he stopped at the light near her apartment building.

She looked straight ahead, the amber glow of the street lamp casting across her face. "You said that you cheated on me..." Ryan nodded. They had both known. "It wasn't this last time after Darryl was it?"

Ryan shook his head. "No, I really tried then, Kel."

"Okay, good," she allowed, although her voice was still strained. "It's just that felt different."

"It was different," he promised. "I really wanted it to work then, I was just..."

"You were just sick," she finished for him. "It's okay, Ryan, I forgive you."

"You're awesome, you know that?" he grinned.

"Uh, duh!" she squealed again as he pulled into the lot next to her car. "Want to come upstairs?"

Ryan rested his palms against the steering wheeling in contemplation. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Coffee and Gossip Girl, Ryan Bailey Howard!" she giggled. "Sheesh, get your mind out of the gutter."