Miss Polyptera actually recommends a large group of meat shields, a prison and a bow and arrow in the case of a zombie attack. Use vegetables as weapons at the risk of your own life.
Mistress Spacecavy seconds Miss Polyptera's recommendations, with the addition of many, many machine guns. Mistress Spacecavy would also like to inform readers that this chapter of The Best Worst Fanfiction counts as your daily serving of vegetables.
Miss Polyptera would like to conclude with the following statement, "No Zombies or Vegetables were harmed in the making of this chapter."
Mistress Spacecavy, however, mourns the loss of several zombie vegetables.
Chapter 2 (RE: Your Brains):
"I hope you are not opposed to getting a little wet?" Dumbledore inquired, gesturing to the swirling vortex of black water ebbing in and out of a small fissure in the rocks.
Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, giving the old man a hard look. Yes, he did mind. Albus, however, did not wait for his reluctant companion's response and merely leaped from the cold, wet boulder into the colder, wetter sea. As much as Sirius hated the idea of spending any time with the person who was, essentially, holding them hostage, Harry had pointed out that Albus knew more than anyone about this world and the life of the Voldemort in it, and had insisted the old man join them in their horcrux-hunting efforts. Privately, Harry had attempted to tell Sirius about sneaking onto his cousin's computer to play games late at night and the importance of something called a "meat-shield", but Muggle strategies for magical fights were beyond his attention span. Sirius looked to his godson, who was making a valiant effort to not shiver, in concern. He contemplated ordering the boy to wait there, but knew it would be in vain.
"Sirius," sighed Harry, "I miss the days when only one really, really awful thing would happen to me each school year." With that, the young man dove into the icy depths with considerably less grace that Albus. Turning into Padfoot, Sirius swam up to doggie-paddle beside Harry, who didn't seem to be a very strong swimmer.
When they caught up with Albus, he had already found land and was standing in a small cave at the end of the fissure, muttering disappointedly, "Oh, surely not. So crude."
Sirius trotted up to him, making a point to shake his fur thoroughly free of moisture as soon as he was within splash zone of the headmaster. Glaring at Sirius, Albus refreshed the drying spell he had used on himself. Grinning unrepentantly, Sirius dismissed his animal form and used the same spell on Harry, who seemed to be swallowing his fist in an attempt not to laugh.
"As I was saying," continued Albus, "I rather believe that we are required to make payment to continue on."
"Payment?" asked Harry wearily.
Nodding to himself confidently, Albus Dumbledore pulled a small silver knife out of his sleeve, and make a quick, clean slice on his forearm. Harry winced as blood splattered across the rock face, but Sirius only stared darkly.
Nothing happened.
"Curious," muttered Albus. "Perhaps . . ." he looked over at Harry calculatingly. "Yes, perhaps."
Sirius promptly stepped in, "No! I don't know what you're thinking, but you put that knife down and stop looking at my godson like that!"
"Calm yourself, Sirius," Albus placidly sheathed his knife. "Perhaps it is not blood that Tom Riddle is after. I believe the answer to this lies in the theory that I shared with you earlier, and, if so, Harry will be the key."
"You mean the theory that Voldemort is," Harry shuddered, barely able to choke out the next words, "That he's in love with me?"
"Only one way to find out," Sirius grinned wickedly at Harry. "Give it a kiss."
"What?!"
Albus brightened at this suggestion, to Harry's horror. "Excellent idea! Harry, if you would be so kind . ." he vanished his own blood before gesturing for Harry to approach the rock. People think of hygiene in the wierdest circumstances, Harry couldn't help but think.
"You want me to kiss a rock. For Voldemort," Harry deadpanned. He was rather unimpressed by the whole thing, and not least of all the fact that Sirius seemed to be deriving great amusement from his current plight. Harry marched up to the stone wall as though facing down a mortal enemy, then stopped at the last second and spun around. "It's just a, a fluid thing, isn't it?" He ignored Sirius' snicker. "How 'bout I just spit on it?"
"You can try," supplied Sirius with unconcealed amusement.
"The intimacy of a kiss cannot be falsified, dear Harry," Professor Dumbledore informed him gravely.
Harry decided to give it a go anyways. Rubbing his hands together bracingly, he spit into his right palm and rubbed it against the stone, right over where Dumbledore's blood had been shed moments ago.
Nothing happened.
Harry heard Albus tut disappointedly behind him, while Sirius made a funny noise like a bit of air being let out of a balloon, trying desperately to control his laughter. Harry glared at him. "Looks like it's all or nothing, Harry," his godfather said cheerfully. "Just pull up all the Gryffindor bravery you can muster!"
Rolling his eyes, Harry turned back to the rock. He shifted from one foot to the other. He took a deep breath, and leaned in, only to chicken out and lean back on his heals quickly. Sirius cat-called from behind him. Flushing, Harry threw himself forward, desperately wanting this over with. His lips met the cold stone too roughly and he scratched his nose, but at least the wall didn't cry like the last person he kissed.
"Eureka! A door knob!" said Dumbledore happily. He patted Harry good-naturedly on the shoulder as he opened the door. "Well done, my boy, well done," he said, pushing past Harry and Sirius to enter the dark chamber first.
Harry turned to Sirius, "You saw that door knob the second we got here, didn't you?"
Sirius only snickered in response, following Albus.
They found themselves standing on the rocky bank of a massive lake, so expansive the other side could not be seen by the light of their three wands. The center emitted an ominous, soft pink glow. Sirius cast his wandlight over the inky water, gazing curiously into its depths, only to immediately throw himself back against the rock wall, letting loose the most creative, colorful string of curses Harry had ever heard.
"I see this is what happened to the remaining legions of the Dark Lord's army of inferi," Dumbledore observed gravely.
"What're inferi?" Harry asked, also leaning over the edge of the water. Sirius immediately pulled him back, but not before he had a chance to regret his actions. Inches below the water floated a jumble of grotesque, white limbs. He picked out at least two pairs of glassy, blank eyes staring up at the cavernous ceiling and several bloated, naked mid-sections.
"Do not touch the water," said Dumbledore firmly. "I do not believe they will harm us otherwise."
"You know that crazy bastard must have put the damned horcrux in the middle," grumbled Sirius bitterly. "How're we supposed to get to it without touching the water?"
"If only we brought our brooms," commented Harry, thinking of the Hungarian Horntail. He wasn't sure if his counterpart had a Firebolt, actually he doubted it, but if somehow he did it was likely hundreds of miles away at Hogwarts, out of range for even the strongest summoning charms.
Sirius looked at Harry proudly, "That's a great idea, Harry! It'll only set us back about an hour to go back to Hogwarts for some brooms."
Dumbledore chose not to comment on this plan, instead stooping to pick up a softball-sized rock from the ground and hurl it through the air towards the center of the lake. At least a dozen bolts of lightning rent the blackness, vaporizing the rock instantaneously. They could just make out several pale arms breach the water, grasping at the film of dust the demolished rock left on the surface. " . . . Or not. Not flying is good, too," said Sirius faintly.
"Tom will have made sure there was a way to reach the horcrux safely," Dumbledore informed them. "He would want to be able to retrieve it, or, more likely, force an unlucky servant to retrieve it. It is also very likely that Tom meant for Harry to reach it one day, which is one reason why it is so important that young Harry has joined us today," he smiled at Harry as though being dragged into inferi-infested caves containing pieces of an evil wizard's soul was a special treat reserved only for very privileged boys. "Come. I am confident we can find a way across. I taught Tom; I am familiar with his... style."
That vague statement had the trio skirting both the lake and implications of pedophilia. This headmaster seemed significantly different from the one they had left at home. Dumbledore and Sirius were muttering advanced incantations over their wands, Harry trailing behind feeling rather useless. After about ten minutes of slow movement and tense concentration, Sirius heard a rattle and felt his shin hit something he couldn't see, sending him sprawling on the cold stone. "Oof!"
Albus waved his wand over the area, muttering. "I am detecting traces of magic here. There is something hidden . . ."
"Ya think?!" said Sirius irritably as Harry helped him to his feet.
Dumbledore grasped the empty air as soon as Sirius was clear, tapping his clenched fist with his wand. A thick chain materialized in his hands and began winding its way through the headmaster's hands and coiling itself onto the ground. After several seconds a large, white object broke the dark surface of the lake, glowing with the same unearthly pink hue as the center. A small vessel rose from the inky depths, banking silently against the rough three wizards stared mutely at Voldemort's creation. It stared back.
"Well, it's a boat," Harry commented uncertainly, relieved that at least it hadn't come up out of the water with any brain-eating passengers.
"Loosely speaking," said Sirius, poking the thing's prow in disgust. It was a giant swan; the kind you see in muggle rides with names like "The Tunnel of Love." The white wooden wings rose up behind the purple vinyl seats to form a heart shape and baleful eyes made of sapphires shone down on them from the bird's head.
"It shall be a tight squeeze, gentlemen, but all aboard!" Dumbledore jumped into the thing cheerfully.
Harry looked doubtfully up at Sirius, who sighed in resignation before boarding the small vessel. It remained surprisingly steady as he clambered aboard. Harry immediately joined him, careful not to look into the dark water. It was an incredibly tight squeeze on the seat clearly built for two, despite the trio all being incredibly thin due to old age, malnourishment at the hands of neglectful relatives, and twelve years in prison, respectively. He struggled to stay sitting straight as what seemed to be a built in dip in the seat tilted him almost into Sirius' lap, the headmaster he noted wasn't even attempting to fight the boat and had settled himself in leaning against a disgusted and resigned looking Sirius. The boat began to move as soon as they were fairly settled, although how it knew they were ready to depart one could only guess. Elton John music began to play softly in the background as the boat slowly turned and drifted purposefully toward the glow in the center of the lake.
It seemed to take an eternity to reach a small island. Harry and Sirius both gripped their wands tightly enough to break normal wood, starting at the sound of any movement. Albus' hands rested calmly in his lap as he hummed along to Tiny Dancer, completely unconcerned about the army of undead floating beneath their swan boat. When they finally banked, Harry and Sirius disembarked cautiously but quickly, worried the sickeningly romantic boat would leave without them. "Should we tie it to something?" Harry couldn't help asking.
"It will wait," said Dumbledore with certainty as he strode purposefully towards the center of the island.
Harry and Sirius joined the elder man beside a stone basin about the size of a mixing bowl. It was full of a pink liquid which seemed to be responsible for the island's phosphorescent glow. At the very bottom of the basin lay a heart-shaped locket.
"Is that . . . it?" Harry wasn't sure what else to say. He'd been expecting something more sinister, like a shrunken house elf head or one of those disks AOL was always mailing out.
Albus nodded, gazing intently into the glowing liquid. "This locket is definitely a horcrux. Somehow, I doubt it will be as simple as reaching in." Harry and Sirius watched as Dumbledore conjured a ten-foot pole and poked at the basin from a sensible distance. The wood was unable to penetrate the fluid, coming into contact with an invisible, solid barrier. The headmaster returned to the basin and began muttering incantations over it. Nothing happened, except after several attempts Your Song was abruptly cut off, to be replaced with Voldemort's remix of Never Gonna Give You Up.
"Not this again," moaned Sirius, losing his patience.
"Yes," murmured Albus as his feet tapped along with the song, "There is only one way. We will have to drink."
" 'We' ?" asked Sirius pointedly.
"Ah, of course," Albus nodded in the younger man's direction before conjuring a goblet. "This potion was, I expect, meant for Harry, so -" Sirius glowered at Dumbledore threateningly, prepared to go for his wand, and the headmaster faltered for a second, "-so, of course dear Harry should not go anywhere near it. Sirius, if you would be so kind."
Sirius looked at the proffered goblet as though it had been a prop in Two Girls, One Cup. Harry was the first to find his voice, "You can't make Sirius drink that! Do you even know what it is?! We agreed to help you find the horcruxes (in lieu of being locked in the Department of Mysteries as human guinea pigs, I might add!) and here we are. Horcrux. Right there. You drink the fruit punch of the damned!"
Albus opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius cut him off, "And what the hell makes you think someone has to drink it, anyway?! What kind of logic is that? Oh, I have a bucket of poison created by the most evil wizard ever to live and I can't vanish it or put my hand in. Better drink it; that makes sense. It would be ever so wasteful to pour it on the ground!"
Dumbledore's mouth closed with an audible click and he gave them a hard stare. "I should like to see you try," he said after a long moment.
Never one to back down from a challenge, Sirius roughly grabbed the conjured goblet from Dumbledore's hand and marched over to the basic. "Er, Sirius . . ." Harry began hesitantly, but his protests died in his throat. He wasn't sure it was a good idea to touch to potion, but surely this had to be attempted before someone tried to drink it.
Sirius actually looked surprised when the goblet passed uninhibited through the invisible barrier and filled with pink liquid. Apparently he hadn't expected Dumbledore to have been right. His shock quickly changed to triumph as he raised the goblet and began to pour its contents onto the stone ground. The liquid never reached its destination. Abruptly vanishing as it came within an inch of the ground, the basin filled to the brim again as Sirius emptied the goblet. "Damn it!" he snarled. The only thing Sirius hated more than being thrust into alternate dimensions where he was living in a tent with a pregnant man was being proved wrong. "I'm still not drinking it," he added sullenly.
With a rather long-suffering sigh, Albus plucked the goblet from Sirius' hand. "Very well," he began, "but I expect that whatever this is, it will be difficult to drink. It may cause so much pain as to make drinking intolerable, or simply compel the imbiber to go for a rather unfortunate swim." He eyed the inferi-infested water darkly. "The two of you must, no matter what, force me to drink all of the potion."
Harry almost voiced protest. The thought of forcing his headmaster to drink something that caused him pain made his stomach turn, but he firmly reminded himself that this wasn't his headmaster. He'd only just met this Dumbledore and already the man had manipulated him into going into a death-trap of a cave hunting for bits of the soul belonging to a man he had apparently been grooming Harry to kill since early childhood. His Dumbledore would never do something like that. Plus, just a moment ago he'd suggested Sirius drink the stuff. Harry remained silent, only nodding his consent along with his godfather.
Sirius and Harry exchanged a slightly disbelieving glance as Dumbledore, true to his word, filled the goblet and raised it to his lips. Unlike when it was poured out, the liquid did not reappear in the basin, instead disappearing down the headmaster's throat as intended. Draining the goblet completely, Albus lowered it cautiously, licking his lips thoughtfully as though savoring a unique wine. The displaced pair watched him with bated breath, wondering if the older man would simply drop dead, or do something crazy to take them down with him. Albus closed his eyes and murmured softly, "So beautiful. He has such a way with words . . ." The man opened his glazed eyes, taking a step towards the swan boat while humming along with Tom Riddle's disturbing love ballad.
"Oh, no," groaned Harry. He and Sirius darted over to the older man, grabbing him firmly and dragging him back towards the basin.
"No! Unhand me! I must reach my love!" gasped Dumbledore, waving his wand wildly. Heart-shaped bubbles flowed from the tip in a steady stream, and Sirius took the opportunity to wrest the wand away from Albus when he made a particularly wide wave, in case he decided to hit them with something more potent than bubbles. "Tom! Come for me!"
"What's wrong with him?!" panted Harry as they hauled the surprisingly strong man across the stone.
Sirius gave Harry a grim smile, "I think that's a love potion."
Harry looked over to the glowing basin, startled. "You mean . . . ?" Dumbledore cut harry off before he could gather the nerve to finish that horrifying thought, belting out,
"Hold me closer Tommy Riddle
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today"
Sirius winced, "That is the worst attempt at serenading a lover I have ever heard. No wonder Albus never married."
Filling the goblet once again, Harry offered it to the headmaster, "Er, here sir. It's a voice potion. It will make your singing not so . .."
"Terrible," Sirius finished bluntly. "Better do it. I hear Tom's pretty picky."
Albus' eyes widened at the thought of rejection, and he eagerly quaffed his second goblet.
"Quick, give him another," Sirius commanded. "Before he starts singing again." Harry obliged, holding yet another cup of glowing pink potion to Dumbledore's lips. "It's mouthwash," explained Sirius. "Your breath is pretty bad. You should use some before you see Voldemort. Hell, you might as well just drink it." They watched in shock as Dumbledore did just that, downing the goblet of potion in seconds while Sirius mouthed silently at Harry, 'I can't believe that worked!'
Thus the pair continued, encouraging Albus to drink cup after cup of the vile potion. The man seemed to get more desperate to see his beloved after every mouthful. Finally, they reached the bottom, Albus straining against Sirius' arms and practically panting with eagerness to find Voldemort. Harry gingerly picked the locket out of the basin. He felt almost triumphant, until her remembered there were six more.
"That was actually easier than I expected," Sirius commented.
Harry, filled with morbid curiosity, opened the locket held the locket up to the light, turning it this way and that way trying to see the image inside.
"What's that picture inside?" asked Sirius. "It looks like someone spilled ink all over it . ."
Harry turned the locket so that he could see it better, a strange sense of dread filling him. It did look a bit like a picture of spilled ink . . . it was familiar, though. He had seen something like this on the Dursleys mantlepiece.
"Sirius, did my mum ever go to see a muggle doctor when she was pregnant with me?"
"Oh loads of times, Harry. Your mum's parents were in fits with the whole thing, thought we were in the 'dark ages of health care'. They insisted that you mum couldn't give birth in a 'medieval cesspit'."
"Did they ever bring back pictures? One of me before I was born?"
"I think a few. James and I never could see anything; it was just a black and white blur, really," his eyes widened as he realized what Harry was implying. "You don't suppose . . ?"
"Sirius.. you don't think he was telling the truth do you? This couldn't be my ultrasound picture? My picture in a heart shaped locket... it has LV 4 HP engraved on the front... Voldemort can't really be in love with me?"
Sirius opened his mouth to make a snarky comment, then grunted painfully as Dumbledore stepped on his feet yet again, groaning pitifully for 'Tommy, beloved Tommy.' "Oh, alright! Go! We'll find your damned boy toy," he released the older man, rubbing his stiff arms immediately. Albus darted away, yelling incoherently.
"Are you sure that was a good idea?" asked Harry. "He seemed pretty -" splash! "- impaired."
"He jumped in the water, didn't he?"
"Yup."
"Shit."
"Yup."
The island was suddenly surrounded by incoherent groaning and disquieting squelching sounds. Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, scrunching his eyes shut in annoyance. "We're about to be eaten by inferi, aren't we?"
"Less talking, more blasting!" snapped Harry, wiping out his wand. "We could try conjuring cabbage maybe? It looks a bit like brains.. they might go for that instead of ours!"
Sirius gave Harry one confused glance before he leapt into action, throwing himself in the direction of Dumbledore's piteous cries of, "Tom! Save me, Tom!" and blasting the inferi away from him with a few well-aimed fire spells. He did notice, disturbingly, that the inferi only seemed to be tickling Dumbledore, rather that drowning him or eating his brains. One seemed to be braiding pink carnations into his hair. Harry, who was considering discarding his cabbages in favor of cauliflower, caught on and began firing blasting charms at everything that moved. Setting the cabbages on fire before banishing them at the inferi seemed especially effective.
Dragging the headmaster towards his godson, Sirius cried, "It's no use! There's too many of them! Drop the horcrux!"
Harry gaped at him in horror, "Drop it?! After all we -"
Sirius cut him off desperately, "Trust me!" He practically flung Albus into the boat as Harry nodded reluctantly and dropped the locket on the ground. The inferi showed no signs of ending their attack when the horcrux left his hand, but Sirius hadn't been expecting them to. "Ignis Deviaunt!" Sirius cast the second his godson was on the boat. He had to throw himself onto the vessel, barely avoiding the all-consuming flames. Thankfully, the boat began to move immediately as the island and everything on it was consumed by the fiendfyre.
"Little . .. help!" Harry gasped, distracting Sirius from the mass of flames and groans of the inferi within. He turned to find his godson struggling with Dumbledore, who was moaning that the boat wasn't fast enough and seemed to want a repeat of his earlier swim.
Sirius waved his wand and the headmaster was bound head to toe in rope. Harry dropped him, sighing in relief. As the older man continued to loudly and pathetically pine for his beloved, Sirius conjured a gag for good measure.
"That fire you conjured, will it destroy the horcrux?" asked Harry after a few moments. He wasn't sure he wanted the answer, if that had all been for nothing.
Sirius grinned, "Yup! Fiendfyre will kill anything. Horcruxes, vampires, syphilis..."
Harry couldn't help but grin, partly from a sense of accomplishment, and partly because the man who had blackmailed them into risking their lives for his bizarre cause was now trussed up like a Christmas turkey, mind turned to mush. "Well, one down, I guess."
A/N: Wow, a bit of Dumbledore bashing in this one! I actually like Dumbledore. I think Rowling used him as a great illustration of how even great, respectable leaders can be flawed and make huge mistakes like anyone. However, as I was writing this the question had to be asked: What would Albus Dumbledore have done differently in the cave had he not known he was dying? What if Sirius was still alive at the time? Surely Sirius would want to accompany them. I can't help but think, if the three of them had made it to the island together (somehow getting around the one-adult-in-the-boat thing), it would have made the most sense to make Sirius drink. Harry is the prophesied savior of the wizarding world; can't risk him. Albus is the only one Voldemort fears, plus it makes no sense to weaken the strongest member of your party. I'm not sure even Albus would be coldly logical enough to make someone do it, though.
I'm curious what you all think, though! If you have any thoughts as to how the cave incident would have gone had Albus not been terminally ill, or if Sirius had been there, let me know iyour review!
- Spacecavy