Now, back by unpopular demand...

Random squeaky voice: MEEEEE!

(Some skinny kid otherwise known as "AkidoChick" pops out the top layer of a three-tiered cardboard birthday cake in the Scooby-Doo pajamas her mother bought about a year earlier and starts doing the Running Man.)

Okay, that was totally retarded, but hey, that's how I am. I'm a weird, crazy, nonconformist person.

(Hmmmm...no wonder why I like Evil Dead.)

But I now digress.

Ash then looked to his left to see that the guy who had just killed the Deadite was in fact, a woman. But she didn't look half-bad. The woman had big, bright green eyes, smooth caramel- colored skin, and glossy black hair that ran past her shoulders. She was wearing a tight, slightly torn red tank top, baggy black jeans, and matching black work boots. The lady was basically made of legs, and the small, moon-shaped scar underneath her right eye made her seem attractive, but in a cold, distant, Tomb-Raider sort of way. But he didn't have time to stare at her, mainly because he had to shoot the zombie behind her.

"Hey, ugly!" Ash called out, taunting the beast with a swift wave of his undamaged hand. "Come get some!"

The Deadite changed its pace and headed straight for Ash. Since years of experience and watching underrated B-movies (Tee-hee) taught him a lot, he instinctively grabbed his trusty rusty chainsaw out of nowhere and sliced the undead bastard from belly to groin. The thing cried out in the most unbearable pain, but did Ash care? Hell no. He took his shotgun, pointed at the Deadite's chest, and fired, sending it crashing into a pyramid of neatly organized soup cans. He turned back to the lady, and smiled, but that faded as soon as he realized that she was holding a crossbow to the back of his head. Ash put his hand up in defense as he tried to elaborate.

"Look,baby...I'm on your side."

"Silence!" the woman barked harshly, her foreign accent like none that he had ever heard before. "I am not your baby!"

Ash then cracked a smile at the dirty thoughts forming in his mind.

"You sure about that?"

She scowled once and hit him in the back of his head with the butt of her crossbow, so hard that he could swear he felt his brain rattle. Whatever he said sure as hell pissed her off.

"Do not play games with me! "she spat through clenched teeth, once again pointing the sharp end of the bow to the back of his throbbing skull. "Tell me where it is!"

Ash groaned in annoyance and rubbed the back of his head, still a bit dizzy from the impact. He'd never let a woman hit him like that, but today was an exception.

"Where is what?" he answered fiercely, throwing her an evil glance that threatened to kill her if she dare repeat that action.

"The Book of the Dead! Where is it, you son of a pig?"

Ash sighed once again before continuing, trying to keep himself from slicing her in half.

"Listen, lady. First of all, It's 'son of a bitch'. If you want to insult me, at least do it properly. Secondly, as I have told you before, I am on your side. I'm looking for the goddamn Necronomicon too. And third, if you hit me one more time, I may be forced to do something so awful that both of us will eventually regret it."

The woman withdrew her weapon, but the scowl etched onto her face was unchanged. At first, it was particularly unattractive, but as he got a better look at her, it began to get kinda cute, in an "if-you-touch-me-I'll-blow-your-freakin'-head-off" sort of way.

"You got a name, sweetheart?"

The woman shot him a cold, vicious glance and nodded slowly.

"My name is Nitaliyah," she said after a few seconds. "Nitaliyah Van Helsing."

Ash eyed her uneasily with one eyebrow raised, as if in mistrust.

"Uh huh..." he continued blandly, discreetly letting his eyes sweep the length of her nicely sculpted body.

The aesthetic evaluation was interrupted by a loud crash followed by debris bursting in every direction. More irritating screams filled the air. A bright column of light enveloped what was left of the building, and clouds of of dust burned his eyes and coated his tongue. Ash could feel himself being pulled upward against his will and screamed as he tried to grab on to the nearest stationary object. He knew this feeling all too well, but for some reason the dumb bastard wanted to fight it. It was no use. An unseen force pried his fingers loose and he felt his body sail upwards through the air. Despite the undead hoards preying on innocent people, demon-summoning incantations that could literally send you to hell, and that whole bastardization of the space-time continuum thing, part of him thought that floating in a vortex felt quite nice.

Ash knew at some point all nice things had to come to an end.