It's so hard to believe...
There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed, if I just listened to it right outside the window
There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust, and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever
I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made
But when you touch me like this, And you hold me like that
I just have to admit, that it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this, and I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but, it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than any laws allow
Baby Baby
If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago, but it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this, and if you need me like that
It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist, and it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now
There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me, I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper
There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances that were lost to us forever
But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then
But if I touch you like this, and when you kiss me like that
It was so long ago, but it's all coming back to me
If you touch me like this, and if I kiss you like that
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light
There were things we'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than all your laws allow
Baby, Baby, Baby
When you touch me like this, and when you hold me like that
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that
Then we see what we want to see, all coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now
If you forgive me all this, If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget, and it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see, all coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now
One morning at breakfast, I could feel Ginny looking at me. I knew what was coming next. I knew she could see on my face that I had been crying.
"Come on Mione, I know something is wrong, I can see it."
"No Ginny, I'm fine, really." I lied. I couldn't tell her right? She probably wouldn't believe me anyway. Or maybe she would believe me and just hate me for 'fraternizing with the enemy', as Ron would say it.
"Mione I know the boys don't see. They're just two dimwits sometimes, they don't see anything, but I do. I look and I see. You are in pain… Mione, please tell me what's wrong? Please? Whatever it is, I won't judge, I won't tell, just… don't deal with…, whatever this is…, alone. I want to help you. Tell me…"
Maybe I could tell her. This is Ginny, sweet Ginny, my friend… She would forgive me…
"I used the time-turner Ginny…"
"What? What for? How far?" She started bombarding me with questions.
"I turned back the year.."
"The entire year? Why? How? What happened? What do you have to change?" She looked at me curiously.
"I already changed it…" I broke down crying..
And so I took her to the lake, to have some privacy and I told her everything. I told her about getting closer to Draco and falling in love. I told her about his task and about the Deatheaters in the school, the vanishing cabinet, Dumbledore hinting at the time-turner, working on the spell, hearing his name on the radio among the death and missing, … I told her everything.
"Wow. That's all just… just so… Wow..." Ginny was looking at me wild eyed.
"Unbelievable right?" I awkwardly laughed.
"Well yeah, a bit. But I believe you Mione. There is just one thing I don't understand..."
"What's that?"
"Well why would you change anything at all?"
"What do you mean, Gin? I did it so he wouldn't die. If he doesn't fall in love with me, he doesn't betray Voldemort and he wouldn't be in danger. I did it to save him..."
"By condemning him?"
"Ginny?!"
"I'm sorry Hermione, but it's a bit like that isn't it? I mean he's going to be in danger anyway during the war. We'll all be in danger. That's how war works. The war will happen, we can't stop that. And if he makes it through it, then what awaits him? If the dark side wins, a lifetime of servitude to a Lord he doesn't even believe in, that he hates? A lifetime of unhappiness? Or if the light side wins, then what? The kiss from a dementor? Azkaban? Hated by everyone? I mean no matter how you look at it, either way, he's doomed. Condemned to being miserable his entire life, how long or short it might be. His soul condemned for making the wrong choice… At least when he had you, he did better. You and your love gave him the strength to fight back. It probably didn't matter to him if he died soon, because his life had been happy with you, even for a little while. And that can mean more sometimes than anything else. It gave him the will and motive to make the right choice. You gave him a reason Hermione. A reason to be a better man, to be a hero… And you took that away from him… Without him even getting a say in the matter… I don't mean to judge Hermione, you know I love you and I know you did what you thought was best, but is it? Is it really for the best? You were thinking with your heart Hermione. And the heart wants what it wants and it can be selfish sometimes to get it… You wanted him to live, no matter how, but by making that happen, you took away his whole reason for living in the first place. How do you know he wants to live like that. How do you know that he didn't die happy, knowing he died for you, for love. If he died at all. His name was called among the death and missing, but did they mention if he was dead or missing? He could very well have been in hiding. Trying to stay alive, to fight another day, for you… and your love. You didn't think this through Mione. You really didn't. That's not like you at all. I guess you both did things for love, things you normally would never have done."
I started to cry. I couldn't stop it. Everything she said made sense, why had I not thought this through…? "I...I just wanted him to live…."
"I know Mione, I know. But it's so dangerous to meddle with time like this. To change everything. I mean an entire year… those are a lot of events that were set in motion and then cut off suddenly. Who knows what kind of ripple that could make.. The consequences… who knows what else changed… You could have very well given him and the rest of us a fate worse than death. I mean you don't know do you, neither of us do. I can't believe Dumbledore suggested something like this… He probably had a reason, he always does, always see the big picture, I guess…, but for the life of my, I can't bloody well see it… When that conversation in the train, with you and Malfoy, didn't happen, it probably changed the timeline, creating a new one all together. Who knows what has been set in motion… oh Mione, this could be bad, really bad..."
"Way to put a guilt trip on me, Gin! As if that speech before didn't make me feel bad enough..." I cried.
"Well I'm sorry Mione, I don't want to make you feel guilty, but we need to be realistic about this. This could be dangerous, very, very dangerous. It could also work out for the better. We don't know. We don't know anything. I will help you either way though. Don't worry, I'm with you babe..." She gave me a little shove and smiled.
"Babe?" I laughed through the crying.
"Well yeah, or maybe hun, sugar, partner in crime?! We laughed so hard that I was crying again. Why couldn't this just be simple, easy…
"So…., you're just gonna keep staying away from him, huh?"
"Yeah. I still think it's for the best for now. I can worry about saving his soul later, right now, his life is more important..."
"Is it hard? Looking at him? Knowing what was and how it is now?"
"Excruciating. Especially with that Parkinson skank hovering around him all the time. Knowing he's supposed to marry her… Pfff it sucks! Love sucks! It's messy and dramatic and irrational and just plain painful!"
"It's also wonderful and romantic and the best feeling in the world..."
"It really is..." And there I went again with the crying. Merlin would it ever stop? I was gonna be dehydrated soon if I kept this up...
"It's gonna be okay. We'll get through this together..."
And so Ginny knew too. I wasn't alone anymore and that made me feel a little better. Just a little… After Ginny went back up to the castle, I stayed at the lake a little while longer, reminiscing about "the first time around" with him…
"Flashback"
I was taking a stroll outside just trying to find a nice spot to read, when I saw him. He was sitting on a large rock by the side of the lake. Hidden away from the castle, from the rest of the world...looking out onto the water, deep in thought.
"Malfoy." I almost whispered, but he heard me. He looked at me…, and he smiled. I couldn't help but smile back..
"Granger. Care to join me? It's very peaceful here.."
And I did join him. We just sat there in silence for a while, looking at the lake.
"What's your favorite color, Malfoy?"
"What?"
"Your favorite color, what is it?
"Why would you ask me that?"
"Well, I want to get to know you, the real you, not just the schoolbully...And that's the kind of thing that friends should know about each other..." Did I just say that?
He looked at me weird. I could see a little smile forming on his face. "Friends huh?" He said. I was blushing so hard that my freaking head quit possibly looked like a tomato…
He noticed, but he didn't say anything about it. "Red." He answered.
"You're kidding me right?" I couldn't stop laughing.
"Nope, I'm completely honest about that, but if you tell anyone, I will deny it until my last breath. I've never told anyone. They would probably treat me like a freaking pariah in Slytherin if they knew." he laughed. But there it is. I love the color. It's so warm and romantic and it reminds of beautiful love stories. I have no idea why, it just does."
"Well, believe it or not, my favorite color is green. It reminds me of the beautiful fields near my house. Full of green grass and colourfull flower and sunshine. It just makes me feel warm and happy."
"Well aren't we a freaky pair." We couldn't stop laughing.
"End Flashback"
That was such a fun afternoon. I miss that. Our talks, his smile…
Was Ginny right? Did I make the wrong choice? I wonder…?