A/N: Hello, I'm updating a lot and I'll do in the following days still, at least until the end of September. So don't add me to your alert list if you don't want to be bored by emails xD
I hope you do like the chapter and sorry if it took me a little longer than usual ^^ Also. Plot twist shh. - xoxo
Warning: Emotional cheating. Though I don't think this is considered cheating, I wouldn't even say it is the most honest thing ever.
Beta: CaramelApple74, who gives me an amazing support with her opinions on the stories, besides her corrections!
Chapter 3
It wasn't the worst of nights.
They spent last night sitting on the sofa and watching The Notebook all over again. Sometimes, when they do, Rachel feels a little out of place. Blaine would lean over during the movie and whisper words into his ear, just like he did last night. Kurt would giggle, both at how lovely his boyfriend sounded and how annoyed Rachel seemed at times. He didn't giggle last night, he couldn't. Maybe it was the only different thing than usual, but Kurt wasn't even sure Blaine noticed because, except for that little moment, he was quite able to turn his mind off of Sebastian and whatever that building thing in his chest towards him was supposed to be.
Sometimes along the night, Rachel and Blaine exchanged looks and though Kurt couldn't be sure, he also heard them whispering some things when he was falling asleep on the sofa. He didn't pay too much attention to it though. It's not like Blaine and Rachel don't have things they only talk about with one another. Kurt and Rachel do, too. And Kurt and Blaine … well, they usually have sex with Rachel wandering around the apartment, so she would be the one to complain.
While he thinks about it, he's in front of the library, holding some books to his chest and staring at the words written in the stone – or at least that's how it seems from down there – on the building, just over the columns at the entrance: NYADA Library. It looks pretty much older than it seems, and Kurt realizes how nervous he is from the fact that he's never noticed before. Right now though, he's anticipating with anxiety, so he needs to think about anything that's not what's going on.
He shouldn't be here.
Maybe the best thing to do is go back, but it would also mean delaying an inevitable conversation. No matter how easy avoiding Sebastian sounds, Kurt's always been very mature and he doesn't really feel like pretending that he doesn't see him around NYADA so that they never get the chance to make things clear. What he really wants instead is talking and making things clear with Sebastian, so that he doesn't even have to do this anymore.
Maybe, if it all stops being so awkwardly forbidden, Kurt will stop wanting it too.
He breathes in and walks the three steps of the short stairs until he pulls the door open and makes the bell on top of it ring around the library.
There's only one student there, of course: it's only 2pm.
It's some sort of punk Asian boy, piercings and straight, soft black hair around his face. Kurt can see his enormous headphones. The boy's reading so he won't hopefully see him as Kurt slides behind him.
He walks around the place where he's sitting, the sun behind dim enough not to make his shadow too notable.
This time he's more focused; he doesn't want things to go like they did last time, with Sebastian suddenly tugging him from behind and make him startle. He can feel steps behind his back, but he patiently waits until he's walking between the last two lines of shelves before he stops, without even turning back.
"Don't get too close," he whispers softly, knowing from the steps that Sebastian's close enough to hear him.
"I wasn't planning on it." Sebastian says, his voice sounding hoarse and teasing as always.
"I don't believe you. I don't believe anything you say." Kurt says lowly, gazing at the end of the line of shelves without really looking at it.
"And yet, here you are, Hummel," Sebastian replies, taking another step towards him. "I certainly was lying, but you seem to enjoy it when I do."
Kurt turns abruptly towards him, trying not to swallow when he finds himself staring into those green eyes, slightly golden with the warm soft light coming from the outside, the window on Sebastian's left.
"I don't," He says immediately, throwing daggers through his gaze. He opens that this defensive way of acting hides his nerves instead of making them more evident. His heart's beating again; it's those Sebastian-beats, Kurt can tell.
"You do." Sebastian fights back, taking another step.
It would all be so easy if he was less unfairly attractive as he is. He's charming and hot, looks younger and wild. His hair is fixed but there's a little messy strand flying out of it. Kurt has to fight the urge to lean over and fix that too. The light also makes Sebastian's freckles more evident and clearer in Kurt's eyes. He's never noticed how charming his skin is too, also along his jaw, where short probably tickling hairs are growing. He's such a grown up man …
"I don't," he repeats stronger when he gets back from the staring phase. "I don't want to be part of this, I-I don't even know what this is or when it started or why. Why are you hitting on a student?" he asks, trying to keep his tone down.
"I'm not hitting on a student." Sebastian says though, hands in his pockets, shrugging lightly. "Even if I were hitting on someone, that would be you, not a student," he implies as Kurt looks torn at the words.
He doesn't know if he feels like Sebastian's making fun of him because of course he's hitting on him – it's not like Kurt hasn't noticed – or to feel some kind of … flattered? At the thought that Sebastian wants to make it clear that this is about him, not a student. Considering Kurt's first impressions of Sebastian, he wouldn't be surprised if he found out that he has, actually, hit on other students too. Knowing that he's the only one is reassuring in a way it isn't supposed to be reassuring.
But then again, everything that is and shouldn't be is just Sebastian.
"Well, that doesn't change anything," he tries to answer anyway, taking a step back. "No matter how much you try and woo me, I'm the kind of person one can buy with compliments, I-"
"I know." Sebastian lifts his hands, like he's surrendering. He's not. Kurt knows it. "Hummel, you seriously aren't. I know you're so much more than that." It sounds low but meaningful and God, Kurt doesn't want this.
He doesn't want to know Sebastian has a positive opinion of him, doesn't want to care about what he thinks. And yet, at the same time, he wants to know more, wants to find out if Sebastian really thinks that or if he's just saying it to … get into his pants? He didn't even consider this before.
Sebastian takes another step towards him and Kurt just lifts his hands warningly.
"What do you want from me?" he asks, going straight to the point. "I don't hook-up with … I don't even know if you're a teacher, I-"
"Well, I might examine some of you." Sebastian shrugs as he keeps walking relentlessly towards Kurt, light and nonchalantly. "Hunt's been a friend of mine since college and sometimes he lets me do it because I know I love teaching and question students' preparation."
"You're mean." Kurt cuts him immediately, already knowing that most of the fun consists probably in humiliating students with impossible questions. Also, he can't ignore the rush of jealousy that goes through his body as soon as he hears the nickname.
Sebastian called Mr. Clarington Hunt which is so intimate and affective, and now Kurt's head is filled of that idiot's voice implying they had sex. Sebastian's body is right in front of him now, so real and near that Kurt can't help but look at it. The thought that someone he sees everyday like his teacher might have put his hands on Sebastian's body, his shoulders, his chest, his freckles. This isn't supposed to irritate him so much. He doesn't want Sebastian like that and he'll never want this.
"And you can't act like this if you're going to be my teacher," he adds then, unable to keep from swallowing, no matter how hard he tries not to do it. "I pay for real teachers to teach me though. I can't really see myself being a person that accepts his teacher making a friend do his job without considering his probably inappropriate preparation, I-"
"Kurt, honey," Sebastian tilts his head and smirks at him, now standing at less than five feet away from him, "I totally have a preparation for that."
For a few seconds Kurt thinks this is some sort of stupid innuendo he doesn't manage to understand but then he remembers about the first day in the library, French speaking, mentioning books and poems.
"What would that be?" he asks anyway, lifting his chin like he doesn't want to show Sebastian his weakness or hesitation.
Sebastian takes another step.
"I have a grade in French literature acquired in the town itself, Paris," Sebastian explains, but Kurt can practically see the way he's boasting, "I'm also C2 European grade, so you know, I speak French perfectly and fluently." He takes another step. Kurt takes one back. "I'm basically perfect for these lessons and I'm going to get a permission to examine students too. Would you like getting examined by me?"
"This is insane." Kurt rolls his eyes and holds his back like it's the only thing which keeps him locked to reality and doesn't make him lose his head. "I don't want to get examined from someone who isn't my teacher."
"I'd make things so much easier for you," Sebastian whispers, and the way he looks into Kurt's eyes, directly, makes Kurt wonder why the hell he thinks he would agree. This is corruption. "Do you really want to let Hunt examine you? He's got such a terrible accent-"
"Well, does he know about it?" Kurt asks sharply, "I guess friends don't talk behind friends' backs."
"He knows. I told him so many times." Sebastian rolls his eyes, like that's not the point of their conversation. "Like I was saying, there's a fair chance you'll get to your exam and won't understand a word of what Hunter might say. I would speak clearly for you, make all the words sound perfectly clean and well-pronounced to your ears."
"I'm not that kind of person." Kurt takes another step back and that it's it. He's trapped again. Only this time, he's blocked against the wall instead of the shelves. He gasps as Sebastian steps closer. Why can't he just go and leave him alone? This is what Kurt's supposed to do, both as boyfriend and as a student.
"You're not," Sebastian confirms, and his smirk is ridiculously annoying. "But I am. I'm offering you a chance to get your French extra degree easily …" He walks until he's close enough to press his arm on the wall beside Kurt's head, so that he can lean and whisper on his lips, "Je vais t'acheter."
"But I'm not buyable," Kurt whispers back onto Sebastian's mouth, having no idea why he's murmuring so lowly, too. For a moment, he looks down at Sebastian's lips. They're thin, totally attractive and basically everything they shouldn't be. He looks up again. "You can't buy me like this. If you want something from me, just be honest and tell it straight to my face. Don't try to buy me like you know that it's the only remote way you would get in my pants, because it won't happen."
Sebastian's irises are suddenly blown again and he's smirking with excitement, like he loves the way Kurt's fighting him. Why does he always manage to confuse Kurt so much? It would be easier if he was just a boring librarian who wants to hook-up with students.
"I knew it," he murmurs, and he's now so close that his warm breath ends on Kurt's lips.
Again.
"W-what?" Kurt asks and his attempt to say it coldly fails.
"That you were too good to accept that. Nice try, Hummel." He smirks and Kurt suddenly feels fucking frustrated because of course Sebastian would play with his mind like this. He should have figured it out. "Last night you told me you had a fantasy about me," Mr. Smythe whispers softly, his eyes locked onto Kurt's, "What was that about?"
"It doesn't matter." Kurt answers immediately. "It won't happen again."
"I have fantasies about you too, you know." He bites his lower lip and God, he looks so sexy as he does. "Don't you want to know about it?"
When Sebastian's green irises shine dimly like emeralds, Kurt already knows what his fantasies are about. On the one hand, there's a wicked side of him who's awkwardly flattered that a thirty year old man fantasizes about him. It makes him feel attractive and he's not used to it. On the other hand though, it also makes him sick to know that he's pressed between the wall and the body of an older man who eventually jerks off to him, no matter how sexy and good-smelling he is (not to mention his enchanting charisma, which is even more attractive than his beauty).
And what if Sebastian actually does jerk off to him?
The thought alone is enough to have Kurt's cheeks as red as roses as he looks down to avoid his gaze. Sebastian's eyes are getting too heavy with something, and Kurt doesn't feel like he could stand it any longer.
"Let me just go, please," he says a little weakly and shaky, "I told you mine wasn't anything sexual, so even if I … even if I thought there was actually something interesting in you, we clearly don't have the same goal."
His eyes are absently – maybe not – focused on Sebastian's chest. That might work. If Sebastian just wants to get into a younger boy's pants, this might be enough to tone him down.
But Sebastian's laughing and that forces Kurt to look up in confusion.
. And when he does … just. Wow. Sebastian looks so amazing when he laughs and this is the worst thing ever. It's that he's this incredible mix of natural beauty, sex appeal, sarcasm, French fluency and literature passion that makes him look like he's the most unbelievable man in the world. It makes people forget about how much of an asshole he is, which is shocking, considering the amount of bitchiness he hides behind his qualities.
"Who said that, Kurt?" he jokes. "You know, I can practically have any man I want to get my hands on in a moment. If I wanted you in my bed, je t'assure, mon chouchou, you'd be there by now and not for the first time …"
"You're so modest, Mr. Smythe," Kurt replies, even if his cheeks are blushing dark. His tone is harsher on his name. He wants Sebastian to keep in mind that he's his student. He wants him to always keep it in his mind. "I wouldn't be in your bed. I have a boyfriend, it's not like I don't enjoy that side of it already," he says, and Sebastian's lips part in surprise and something that Kurt might recognize as disappointment, if he didn't know what kind of man Sebastian is. "Which was … hmm … awkward to say. I mean, for you to know about, huh, your students' sex life, I'm-"
"You have a boyfriend." Sebastian says, blinking, still shocked and licking his lips nervously. It's not a question. It's a statement.
So that's what his face is about. Kurt thought that Sebastian just wanted to be a jerk about the fact that Kurt does have a sexual life, but this is about Blaine. Kurt didn't realize he'd never told Sebastian that he was taken. Okay, he's thought about it many times when he was around him, but he never told him.
"Yeah …" he murmurs then, biting his lower lip. So the thing he saw as disappointment over Sebastian's face …?
"Of course you do," Sebastian sighs, and then his hand shifts from where it was against the wall. And now Mr. Smythe is looking anywhere but towards Kurt. "You're … how old are you? Twenty? Twenty-one? Shit, I should have know-"
"You care?" Kurt can't help but ask instinctively, though he hates himself for saying out loud.
At least Sebastian's eyes are on him again now and he's looking at Kurt like he can't understand the question. Well, now it's too late to take it back and it's better to be clear, so that Sebastian can't misunderstand his words.
"I mean … when you hit on me," he blushes a little at the words, or maybe just because Sebastian's looking straight into his eyes, "you don't care that I'm ten years younger than you; or that I'm your student, or your friend's student even. You don't care about the fact that you might lose your job and I might turn into NYADA's joke. You don't care, so much, that you gave me your precious, rare Las Rimas in Spanish," he says and takes a breath before he continues. "But now you seem to care about the fact that I have a boyfriend. I didn't even have to push you back. You stepped back yourself."
Sebastian licks his lower lip again, more nervously, and Kurt's totally so not staring at his mouth as it gets shiny with saliva. Totally.
Mr. Smythe looks like he's trying to put the pieces of himself back together again. It's awkward to see him like this instead of the usual smirking arrogant asshole he's been until now. It makes Kurt's stomach clench like all the time, but now … now there's also a new uncontrollable beat hammering in his chest.
When he doesn't speak though, Kurt can't hold a snap.
"I didn't think you were the kind of guy who cared about boyfriends," he says honestly, and their gazes are locked again, "or about anything if you wanted to get into someone's pants, you-"
There's no need for Sebastian to stop him at that, because Kurt gets it alone from his own words.
Sebastian just said that if this was about sex, it would have been already done by now, and Kurt didn't believe him. But now … It all makes sense.
If Sebastian just wanted to fuck one his students, he's seductive enough to get what he wants. Kurt's pretty sure that he would've pressed him into this wall right now and kissed his neck until Kurt would guiltily beg him for more. Then, since he seems a fucking tease, they would end up frotting until Kurt would've come in his pants.
If Sebastian just wanted to put his hands on a younger boy – which is so forbidden and inviting for his age maybe -, he could easily go to a pub and just flirt until he got one. They would end up in a dirty bathroom stall, the boy on his knees, sucking Sebastian off (What if Sebastian does that on Friday nights? Kurt hates it that he already feels like killing the imaginary guy in the nasty fantasy going on in his mind. It's not like Sebastian belongs to him. Blaine does).
If Sebastian just wanted to have sex, maybe – and just maybe – he wouldn't risk losing his job over a college student.
"You see it now, don't you?" Sebastian asks, shaking his head and looking disappointed.
But at the same time, it's not like there are some feelings involved right? They've known each other for barely two weeks now and had a few occasions to just flirt (guilt clenching in his stomach is immediate and painful) and speak French – which was sexy, but there's no chance that there might be feeling building up.
At least, this is what Kurt feels like.
He's totally attracted to the man who's looking at him right now, but he can't say he feels something for Sebastian. Excitement, heart beating and muscles clutching are a consequence to his guilt for fantasizing and not fighting more firmly, mixed with the new desire of exploring the forbidden, especially for Kurt who always walked through safe roads.
"There's nothing to see in this I guess," he says honestly then, and he just wants to sound sincere because he is. "No matter how appealing it must be for you to try and get closer to a student, but whether it's sexually or just emotionally, I still can't figure out why you think it's worth losing your position in case someone finds out." Sebastian's opening his mouth to reply but Kurt stops him. "And don't give me any of your I know you wouldn't tell anyone crap because I won't accept it. You don't know me, Sebastian. You can't be sure that I wouldn't and yet you're taking a stupid risk that might compromise your life standards."
"My standards would be quite high either way," Sebastian answers, looking calmer and unable to keep a smug smile. "So, what's your boyfriend like?"
Kurt wrinkles his face at the question, because seriously, can Sebastian actually ignore everything he's just said and make such a stupid question?
"God, you're thirty," he says, wincing and shaking his head. "Grow up."
This can be considered the end of the conversation as far as Kurt's concerned. He tried to give Sebastian a chance to be mature about this, to talk about it without just giving him bitch faces and everything. Sebastian doesn't seem willing to do it and this is when things are over to Kurt. He shows him a face that clearly says "I'm going, fuck off", before he moves aside to slide away.
And this.
This is what being pressed into a wall by Sebastian Smythe feels like.
Kurt barely has the time to take a few steps, then his back's leant against the wall again, Sebastian's hands grabbing firmly at his shirt and their eyes locked once more. Kurt's legs are shaking and he's newly scared about the pervert homicidal maniac story until Sebastian's eyes soften, just like his whole face.
"I want you," he says, low and warm, his breath ghosting over Kurt's mouth. It's not dirty or creepy as Kurt thought it would sound. He actually isn't even sure Sebastian's talking about sex from the ways his eyes look human and awkwardly weak. It breaks Kurt a little. "No matter how funny you think this is for me. It's not," he whispers, his voice cracking somewhere in the middle of the sentence. Kurt can't know exactly when because he's too lost in what Sebastian's trying to tell him. "I … I've been thinking of you so much during these days, you have no idea. No matter how much I try to focus on books, on stupid French lessons I'm not even supposed to teach, I … can't stop thinking about you-"
"Why?" Kurt asks immediately, blinking slowly. For a moment, Sebastian's eyes shift to his lips, and then they're back into Kurt's. "Why can't you? What's with me that makes you act like you can't bring yourself to care about how wrong this thing is?"
"You're different," Sebastian says like it means everything.
But it means nothing to Kurt and still, it doesn't explain or answer the questions which are starting to torture him.
"From what?" he asks, whispering the words right on Sebastian's face. "Tell me, Sebastian, what's the comparison here? What are you comparing me to? Because I can't seem to understand and I don't think I'm stupid, so this is you being vain."
"From people," Sebastian says, barely leaving Kurt the chance to complete the sentence. "You're not like a boy of your age. When I was twenty, I just wanted to fuck around," he says and shit, the way the word comes out of his mouth even though it's meant to sound hot, well … Kurt doesn't want to give Sebastian a chance to turn him on. Not really. "But you're not like most of the people at my age. They're so fucking boring, they're denying that they're growing up-"
"You do too," Kurt stops him, and for a moment they just stay like this.
They gaze at each other, study each other's faces and Kurt bites his lower lip when he realizes how close they are. Sebastian's fingers are still wrapped tightly around his shirt and he can feel the heat coming from Mr. Smythe's body. It almost makes him think of his fantasy now that they're not speaking and everything's silent around them. Sebastian's body feels pleasant so close, just like he had imagined.
"You're growing up too," he whispers eventually, calm and silent.
Sebastian's lips arch into a smirk and then he's finally letting go of the limbs of Kurt's shirt, wincing playfully.
"I am," he says, shrugging and putting his hands in his pockets. "I know, Kurt, there's no need for you to tell me. I'm sorry for acting like … this," he says, gesturing to Kurt's shirt to imply the movement. "You know, one thing age won't change is when you're confused," he explains, and Kurt lifts his eyebrows in interest – now that Sebastian's far enough for him to feel safe and the conversation seems more quite. "And I am confused about you. So much."
The tone in Sebastian's voice, the way it cracks a little even though he's smiling sounds so suspiciously like desperation. Kurt doesn't want to let himself be flattered, really, but it seems like Sebastian's hard time figuring out his confusion about him and how to act towards it. The worst thing about it is that it makes Sebastian more human and weak in Kurt's eyes, like he isn't guilty about what he's doing. But he is and Kurt can't really allow himself to think of something like that.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks, trying not to sound as hesitant as he feels towards the question and the eventual answer. There's also an uncomfortable part of him who might be disappointed if the answer isn't exactly what Sebastian's made him understand.
Seriously, what's wrong with him?
"It means just what I said," Sebastian answers, but he still looks more at ease now, which is so much better than being pressed into the wall for Kurt. "I'm confused when I'm around you. I'm not used to being confused, so I pretty much freak out about you all the time."
Freak out. Kurt can't really imagine Sebastian freaking out about something, not to mention freaking out about him. He always looks so sure of himself that it makes him calm and somehow wise. Or maybe that's because he's thirty.
"You're making me confused too," he confesses and stares as Sebastian smiles. "Don't smile, this is serious. I shouldn't feel confused when I have a relationship."
"Kurt," Sebastian says, the smile still printed on his face and it looks fond and wise somehow. "You barely know what a real relationship is," he says, stepping back a little. "I know it must probably seem like the most beautiful love story of your life right now, but … a real relationship is different," he says.
"How come?" Kurt couldn't really want to ask, but it's out before he can keep it.
"Well," Sebastian sighs like he finds it hard to explain, "one day you'll figure it out. But being in college and dating a guy? Maybe living with him, sharing a flat and cuddling on the sofa? This is too platonic to be real, Kurt. It's so ideal."
Kurt softens his face a little then and well, he would've never said it but it's pleasant to talk with him about life and what's real. It's somehow intellectual and he enjoys it. It's making the situation lighter and he feels left uncomfortable, like he's somehow already forgot about the way they were almost pressed together intimately.
"I love Bécquer," he shrugs and now he's smiling too, "so platonic and ideal is practically stuck in my head."
Sebastian laughs and nods and then they hear some steps along the hallway. Sebastian's pretty good with instincts because he grabs a book from a shelf before a girl appears behind his back, evidently searching for something. Kurt looks into his eyes and Sebastian hands him the book.
"I think this is what you were searching for." His acting is pretty good. "You could've asked me instead of buzzing around the library for twenty minutes." He winks and Kurt has to keep from smiling (which is so fucking bad, because it looks like they're hiding something when there's not to hide; not yet, the voice in his head suggests mean).
"Yeah, I didn't want to bother," he says and grabs the book and pulls it close to his chest. "Thank you so much, Seb-Mr. Smythe," he corrects, suddenly in panic, "I'll ask you first next time."
"Don't get too used to bothering me," Sebastian jokes right before the girl can appear beside him.
"I'm sorry, are you the new librarian?" she asks. "I'm searching for something, but it's quite rare and I'm not so sure I can find it."
"Just tell me about it," he says and nods one last time towards Kurt, like to say goodbye.
"Thanks again, Mr. Smythe," Kurt plays perfectly. "Have a nice day."
Before Sebastian can answer or look at him again, Kurt's already walking by to get out of this place with a sudden urge to breathe fresh air.
It isn't actually until he gets home that he manages to get a grip.
He spent most of his trip in the train breathing in and out and trying to somehow get rid of Sebastian's scent. The worst thing is that not only can he feel it, but it's that his clothes probably smell like Sebastian. For a moment he wondered if this is how one feels when his husband can smell another man on his man's clothes. He knows he hasn't cheated, but the fact itself that he actually allowed Sebastian to get so close to him, well ... it feels a lot like cheating if you ask Kurt. He thought a lot about it while the train was leading him home. He thought about whether he should consider considering what it's going on; maybe he should wonder about the reasons why he isn't acting like he should, why he isn't just indifferent to Sebastian as he should be.
When he gets home and opens the door, he's calmer indeed but not less confused.
It doesn't help that Rachel's sitting at the table, a magazine in front of her and her eyes already lifted like she was waiting for Kurt to come back home; which is so, so bad, especially for the way Rachel's looking at him. Some days, Kurt's afraid she can read straight into his mind with just one look. Today's one these days.
"Hmm, hi Rach!" he says as nonchalantly as he can. "What were you doing?"
He hopes this is one of those days when Rachel is so self-centered that she gets into the trap and starts talking about herself instead of questioning him about something that's clearly on her mind now. He can't be that lucky though. He never is lately.
"Where have you been?" she asks suspiciously, tightening her eyelids. Kurt opens his mouth to reply, but before he can do that, Rachel's already continuing, "Were you at the library at NYADA?"
"Rachel!" His eyes widen and oh God, he had hoped so much that Sebastian and he weren't that obvious at the market yesterday. "This … it's totally not what you think-"
"So there is something!" Rachel looks at him incredulously, letting go the page of the magazine she was holding a moment ago. "Oh my God, Kurt! How old is he? Did you … did you do something with him? And you totally were at the library, I saw you walking there!"
"W-what, Rachel, are you stalking me?" Kurt asks, nervously, still standing in the middle of the apartment and fidgeting with the bag.
"Don't try this, Kurt." Rachel says, shaking her head, but she doesn't move from the chair she's sitting on. "Don't you think you can distract me. You went to the library to meet a guy that's possibly seven years older than you-"
"Ten," Kurt corrects stupidly, "Huh, I mean, whatever."
Rachel is now looking at him with her mouth wide open.
Kurt has no idea why he felt such a stupid need to add it, like Rachel isn't clearly already judging him.
"I was there," he confesses, now that his friend's finally silent for a moment, enough for him to think about how to say this, "but nothing happened and nothing will. He's charming, you've seen that. That's it. I think it's more about the fact that he gives me attention and he's forbidden."
Rachel bites her lower lip and shakes her head. Her face looks sorry, though Kurt can't really understand why.
"Kurt, why can't you see that?" she asks disappointed, "It's just like chocolate?"
"Like chocolate?" Kurt asks, wincing and finally stepping closer.
Now that Rachel doesn't seem that aggressive anymore, he can sit at the table. Well, he has to admit that somehow the look she's giving him feels a lot worse than when she's just mad, but at least she isn't yelling in his face.
"Yes, like chocolate," Rachel says again like it's the most obvious thing, though Kurt has no idea what she's talking about. "Don't you remember what I told you about your chocolate ice-cream?" she says.
"Guess I was too busy feeling guilty about it." Kurt rolls his eyes, and Rachel winces like she's trying to smile but she can't bring herself to do it because she's worried and nervous.
"You don't really listen to me when I scold you, do you?" She sighs but eventually she leans a little towards Kurt to explain. "You told me that chocolate tempted you because you weren't supposed to eat it. It's like it seemed better and awesome just because you couldn't have it, right?"
Kurt nods at the words.
Now he remembers.
Actually, he's sure he's applied Rachel's words to Sebastian himself, like thinking that this only about the forbidden and nothing more than that.
"Yeah, but I don't … you know, I don't plan on doing what I did with chocolate, if that's what's bothering you," Kurt says, shrugging and feeling more at ease now that Rachel seems less judgmental. "I'm not planning on having a taste of it so that it's not funny anymore," he explains to her, "In fact, I'm pretty sure, I don't want to have a taste at all."
Rachel seems unsure for a moment, like she wants to complain about it, but eventually, whatever she has to say is way more important than that.
"You don't get it; you're already having a taste of it," she says and Kurt winces, unable to understand what she's implying. Before he can ask, Rachel's already speaking again. "The simple fact that you're seeing him, even if you find yourself an excuse to do it, it's having a taste of it."
"It's not!" Kurt murmurs, suddenly in panic, like he is every time Rachel talks to him like this. Like when she opens his eyes about auditions for songs and stuff like that.
"It is," Rachel says rolls her eyes. "I truly believe what I told you, Kurt. About all the not having enough and wanting more. What you're doing now is … having a taste – even if you don't realize it now I guess – and you're going to want more. The more Mr. Smythe smiles at you, the more you'll want him to kiss you, because it's even more forbidden."
Kurt bites his lower lip. God, maybe for once Rachel is right. He knows part of this whole Sebastian thing is due to the fact that he's always been a quite educated, strict child, and stepping out of the line is tempting. He's been so educated to rules that he had nine months of perfect diet without ever breaking it. He can only imagine how fantastic it must be for his mind and his ego that an adult hits on him. It's awkwardly awesome and flattering for that part of him who was always faithful to rules.
"I …" he tries to say, but he only finds himself looking down in embarrassment.
"I understand the reason why you do this, Kurt," Rachel says though, and he manages to look up again, "I really do. This whole Mr. Smythe thing makes sense, and plus, it's not too unbelievable that you're feeling cheerful about a teacher hitting on you – because I know he is -, I've been there, remember? I had my teacher crush even though Mr. Schue always fought. But what if he didn't? I'm sure I would have been responsible in the case, so I understand what's happening to you," she explains and Kurt calms down just a little. "In your case, that's even worse. I had my flirts and cheating things at high school, but you were always the perfect guy who loved his boyfriend too much to ever do this."
This stabs Kurt in his chest a little. In the past he never thought about cheating on Blaine. He texted a certain Chandler of course, but that was it. He just wanted attention during that period and it was never more than that. The fact that he fantasizes aboutSebastian, takes gifts from him and meets him in secret in the library. This makes him wonder if something has changed with Blaine and him, with their relationship.
"See?" Rachel asks, and Kurt looks at her again. She practically seems to be reading into his mind, which can be so painful now. "I'm pretty sure that has changed. I'm not saying you would do that, but you don't seem to have the right conscience to stop this thing either like you would have done a year ago."
Kurt sighs, something painful clinching into his chest and making him wince. He feels so sorry for Blaine, feels so sorry for doing this to him. He knows he isn't cheating, but Blaine trusts him enough not to even think Kurt would flirt with a boy, not to mention his teacher. He is practically feeling depressed now. Thanks, Rachel.
"You're just confused, Kurt," she says when she notices how worried he looks. She gives him a smile and that makes Kurt feel better somehow. "All you need to do is just to take your time and try to understand what it's happening between the two of you. You'll have to figure out if this … hesitation to push some guy away is about Blaine, your relationship or maybe something else that's stressing you and so it's influencing your ways of living."
Kurt nods. Rachel's speech makes a lot of sense and actually, he would totally want to understand if this is actually it. Maybe having a little time to just think would make him feel surer about whatever's suddenly going on with his life. He's quite sure that it's not just Sebastian. It can't be about him only, right? This is some huge thing into Kurt's life, though he didn't manage to understand it before, this is him doing the complete opposite of what he's always done.
"So," he begins, licking his lips nervously and swallowing before he continues, "What do you suggest I do? Should I … hmm ask Blaine for some time off? I don't think I would want it …"
"Well, what you want isn't exactly what you should talk about. You owe honesty to Blaine." She shrugs. "But look at him. When he cheated on you, he barely talked about it with me, and as you can see, it still hasn't figured out our serious it was," she explains, and though Kurt feels an unbearable pain at the words, he's also thankful that Rachel doesn't consider it a taboo word, because it happened and it's real. "He still makes jokes about it and well, although we both know that he doesn't want to hurt you on a purpose. I mean, he just says what goes through his mind because back then when it happened, he was too busy thinking about a way to get you back to meditate on the reasons that might have pushed him into it."
Kurt's never thought about it.
He's always just assumed that Blaine was emotionally weak and alone back then. He's never even considered the idea that he might have need to deal with the reasons instead. This is something new and well, maybe it's really the reason why Blaine stills makes jokes about it.
"So, what do you suggest I do?" he asks, finally letting Rachel in completely. "I'm serious, I … I don't feel like taking time off with Blaine. We live together and it might be complicated for both of us to see each other every day. Plus, I don't really doubt what we have because of this … crush?"
"But still, you wouldn't be able to think about it properly if the only places you attend are NYADA and our apartment-"
"What about Vogue?" Kurt asks, wrinkling his nose.
"Well, that's your job and it would be a stressful environment for you to think about your life." She shrugs. "But at the same time, having Blaine and … Mr. Smythe constantly around won't help you have some space for yourself to ponder."
"Should I break free?" Kurt asks ironically, but Rachel's answer makes him free on his chair, washing that smug smile off of his face.
"No," she says, "I think you need therapy."