Chapter 4: Make America Fuzzy Again
The City of Townsville!
A city that is the heartbeat of America.
A heartbeat that does not tolerate injustice, hatred and bigotry, as does most parts of America.
Some, however...bask in their hatred and two unlikely individuals are about to take American politics by storm.
Two..super unlikely individuals you wouldn't ever expect to get into politics in the first place.
"Oh muh darlin', oh muh darlin', oh muh darlin' dirt pie Gertrude."
Let me tell you, Cici. That damn President Kobe is always piledriving our economy into the pig pen!
Exactly! He's always too darn tootin' busy playing B-Ball rather than going to the Middle East and giving those ragheads concussions!
I think he's just afraid they'll scream their catchphrase and blow him up to smithereens. Something the American public would be most proud of.
Which is why I can safely say on air...good riddance his presidency is coming to an end this year!
"Well i'll be damn. By the sound of it, America needs a change...and I think I could be what they'll be begging for. A good ol' fashion country boy from the rural area that is a shining example of the American way."
But isn't Fuzzy Lumpkins one of the bad guys? How in the world would a criminal could even contemplate a run for president?
This certainly gives me one migraine too many.
"As for this day...I am going to run for president of the United States! Time to make America...FUZZY AGAIN!"
Oh great. This is going to end so well for everyone.
Gimme a break.
"Girls. I just spotted one of your old foes at the market place. I think his name is Fuzzy Lumpkins if I recall correctly."
"Is he doing anything bad yet, Mayor Bellum?"
"Not yet, Blossom, but if he makes a ruckus, i'll call right back ASAP."
"Gotcha."
"So are we going to kick butt, Blossom?"
"Not yet, Bubbles….and don't get any funny ideas, Buttercup. We're heroes, not vigilantes."
"Right."
{''Hmmm...it is nighttime, so if I can't keep an eye on who might make some fuckin' trouble as myself, I could always take a different as fuck route to do it.''}
Say...is Buttercup about to revive a short lived alter ego of hers she never really got to showcase its abilities due to that episode's moral?
I dunno, but if it's the case, it'll be great to see what Mange really has to offer.
"You see, my fellow citizens of Townsville...me and my boomstick are TIRED of seeing America turned into a toilet for everything wrong with America...which is why i'm proposing you all to vote Fuzzy Lumpkins for president of the United States of America!"
"...do you even think that shit would fly here, Fuzzy? I doubt the rest of America would vote for a criminal!"
"But what about the rest of the US, mere citizen of Townsville? I'm very positive some parts of our country wouldn't be a chicken's ass if a criminal ran for president."
|||||+So what's the deal with Fuzzy Lumpkins, Buttercup? Is he making any trouble yet?+|||||
"Not at all, Ken...and you forgot to call me Mange for fuck's sake!"
|||||+Sorry...Mange. Anyway, I have dispatched Cam-Cam so if he was to make any trouble, i'd alert you of it right away.+|||||
"Thanks. Since this is boring as all fuck, i'm going to see if there's any rapists, flashers and other scum of the fucking earth hiding in the alley to beat the shit out of."
|||||+...okay. At least you won't be tarnishing the Powerpuff name conducting vigilante justice while wearing that funny costume, Butt...errrr...Mange.+|||||
"Thanks for correcting yourself mid-way through, Ken…...and yes...i'm just acting this way to stay in-character."
|||||+I know, I know. I think its just a little overdone though.+|||||
"But that's the only way it can be fun, Ken. Well…gotta get back in character now. Keep me updated on this Fuzzy Lumpkins shit."
|||||+Will do, baby.+|||||
And then Buttercu...I mean Mange stopped giving a crud and focused on other, more productive activites.
"Weren't you our mayor for a brief amount of time, Mr. Lumpkins?"
"Uhhhhh...yeah...but I swear I can do a much better job as president than as mayor."
"I doubt you'll do fine on your own...but i'm sure you'll do better with a roach on your side!"
Oh no! Not Roach Coach!
I haven't seen that jerk in ages!
How did he get that body built back up?!
"What in the rootin' tootin' world are you doing here? I remember seeing you a long, long time ago, but you suddenly disappeared when The Powerpuff Girls beat ya up."
"Well...that's a long story for another day, but trust me...our combined wits, strength and numbers will be an unbeatable force in the political world!"
"Numbers? There's only one of me. How in the world could there be more of you?"
"Hey asshole! Behind you!"
"E-Gads! A colony of roaches!"
"Yes, Fuzzy. My clan of roaches will be our cabinet once we're elected!"
"I like the sound of that, Roachie Coachie. An America ran by me and a clan of cockroaches."
"An American i'm sure many would welcome, Fuzzy."
Oh dear. Their bid for the white house is going to be an absolute circus!
And what on earth is Butter...errr...*cough*...ahem...Mange up to?
"Don't hurt me, ma'am! I swear I didn't mean to hit that ho!"
"Well well well, dicknose! I find that excuse to be mighty fuckin' pathetic to swallow."
"Aw come on! Cut me some slack, Caped Freaky Bitch! You got to at least give me a slap on the wrist for the first offense. If I do it again, then you can hurt me as much as you want."
"Not gonna happen, fuckhead!"
THUCK!
"OWWW! THAT FRIGGIN' HURTS, BITCH! OWWWW!"
"THAT...is your slap on the wrist. I don't play shit softly with women beaters!"
Uhhh...Buttercup. Don't get too carried away with this vigilante justice silliness.
And of course, she disappeared into the shadows after that nonsensical stunt. No surprise there.
|||||+Did you really stab him with a real knife, baby?+|||||
"Of course I didn't, Ken. I used one of those retractable prop knives you can get in a Halloween store."
|||||+Phew. Glad to know you haven't fell off the rocker.+|||||
"My sisters and pops would hate me if I actually used weapons as a crime fighting statement."
|||||+No soul that was raised by the Professor would want to break his heart anyway.+|||||
"Exactly. So what's going on with Fuzzy?"
|||||+Ummmm...there's some short dude in a wife beater having a chat with Fuzzy to an audience of cockroaches. Does that ring a bell?+|||||
"Roach Coach? That ratty ass motherfucker? Shit, I thought he was still in a damn jar in jail?"
|||||+So you and your sisters fought him before...but what do you mean by him being in a jar?+|||||
"He's actually a cockroach inside a robotic body, Ken. It's...just as ridiculous as I just told you."
|||||+...huh.+|||||
"That's the best reaction you can have in regards to such an individual. So...aside from that weirdness, they never caused any trouble when I was off fuckin' with that pimp's head?"
|||||+.Not at all, baby. It's probably safe to say you can come back home now.+|||||
"...alright. Enough silly vigilantism for one night then."
Good thinking, Buttercup. You wouldn't want to tire yourself for a day's worth of crime fighting...or live performances...or rehearsals...or jam sessions...or sex with Ken.
...yeah. Probably not in that exact order.
So the next day then came crashing in like a meteor, except without the massive citywide damage of course.
"MAKE AMERICA FUZZY AGAIN AND VOTE FOR FUZZY LUMPKINS IN THE UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT!"
"I will vote for Fuzzy Lumpkins. He sounds like the best damn candidate for president."
"MAKE AMERICA FUZZY AGAIN AND VOTE FOR FUZZY LUMPKINS IN THE UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SECOND GUESS YOURSELF!"
"Roach Coach? More like Coach of American greatness! He'll make a great VP!"
"MAKE AMERICA FUZZY AGAIN AND VOTE FOR FUZZY LUMPKINS IN THE UPCOMING PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! A VOTE FOR LUMPKINS/COACH IS A VOTE FOR AMERICAN INTEGRITY!"
Sheesh. I'm already getting sick of this.
Can't we go see something else?
Oh good. Let's see what Mayor Bellum is up to.
"So...Mayor Bellum. Have you decided on who you're voting for president this year? Perhaps you're planning to fuzz things up for our lovely country?"
"Oh heavens no. Not after what stupid junk he had me do when he was mayor for a month. Do you even remember that the fate of the mayor's office was decided in a friggin' pro-wrestling match between Fuzzy and my predecessor?"
"Ummm...yeeeaaaah. I vaguely remember that happening. Just as much as I remember the time you had to compete against Tony Bratwurst in order to succeed ol' Norvell Pickelscotch."
"Oh boy. Mr. Bratwurst. What an odd fellow he was. Thank goodness the good people of Townsville came to their senses and voted for me instead. I mean...I practically ghost ran this city when I just Norvell's secretary."
"And sadly, history will never know that factoid."
"Did someone ask about voting for Fuzzy? I will!"
"Oh gosh dang it, Gemma!"
Oh wow. If Gemma is going Fuzzy, who is her uncle voting for?
"Ok, Brikowski. MAKE...MY...DAY!"
"I sure as damn well, Nigel."
SLAM!
"HAH! Looks like I beat you again!"
"Aw shucks, Nigel! Why do I always have to lose to your old ass?!"
"Mr. Pickelscotch...you got some visitors."
"OH GOODIE! I wonder who could they be?!"
"Oh hi Uncle Pickelscotch!"
"Hello, dear niece. Oh…hi Sara."
"Nigel. It's...good to see you again."
"So Uncle...are you up-to-date with what's going on in the outside world?"
"Oh yes I do, Gemma. If you'r'e referring to the presidential election, i've already made my decision."
"And who exactly got your vote, Nigel?"
"Good ol' Eduardo Huckleshuck of Citiesville! That burrito of a man will defintley make America a tastier nation!"
"Uhh..I beg your pardon, Nigel. I don't even think Huckleshuck is running for president this year."
"Oh that's right. Blasted me. I'm actually going Fozzy this year...I mean...Fuzzy. He may not have been a great mayor, but i'd reckon he changed his ways enough to be a more than decent enough president."
"YAY! So am I, Uncle! Yee haw! We're going Fuzzy! We're going Fuzzy! We're going Fuzzy! We're going Fuzzy!"
"Oh for crying out loud, you two."
I wish I could visually express my disappointment in the old mayor's choice of president.
I hope the girls won't beget us the same results as most of our beloved, yet dumber than usual city.
"I'm afraid I must refrain my voting for anything, sir. As I, Blossom. am the leader of The Powerpuff Girls, I cannot have any bias towards any political party in our country. I must make myself the standard bearer of neutralism."
"Me? Powerpuff Bubbles...voting? I don't think so, mister. I do sign petitions to prevent animal cruetly, but other than that, I just find no fun in politics. I always found politics to be so darn boring."
"Oh that's an easy question, pal. That son of a fuckin' bitch Fuzzy Lumpkins ain't getting shit from me...except for the greatest fuckin' knuckle sandwich of all damn time! Hell, even that shit stained fucker Roach Coach should get one too, since he's long overdue for a second serving!"
"And there you have it, people. The Powerpuff Girls' thoughts on this election. Stay tuned for more words of the people on our upcoming presidential election."
"Aw crud. Why do those darn tootin' Powerpuff Goils not have to support us, Roachie Coachie?"
"Well its no brainer we're old enemies of them, so there's no sense in expecting them to vote for us...though i'm concerned that once we lose the election, the one with green in her hair will show up and beat the everliving tar out of us."
"Oh...damn. I hope the police will be there to prevent that from happening."
"Considering she's a Powerpuff Girl, i'm sure our voters would give two damns to see our asses kicked once we lose."
"...yeah. I'll make sure you'll get the snot beaten out of you two schmucks."
"Who on earth are you, ma'am? Are you associated with that Him weirdo?"
"Yes, Mister Wifebeater. I am indeed affiliated with Him. As for me, however, just call me...Her."
"...Her? That makes no gosh darn tootin' sense."
"You want me to show you why? You'll just need me to touch your foreheads, gentlemen..."
"No no no. I ain't going to let you do any funny business with me. Not worth risking anything to have you prove that."
"...yeah i'm with Fuzzy. I'll have to pass on the offer too."
"Aw...too bad. That said, expect to see me again on election day, gentlemen. Don't feel like I didn't give you any warning signs if you forget about it on that very day."
Her? Huh. She's new around here.
Even Fuzzy and Roach look quite unnerved by her words of warning.
Will that bode well for their debate tonight with the opposing front runner?
We'll have to witness that ourselves, readers.
"On one corner, we have...FUZZY LUMPKINS AND HIS RUNNING MATE ROACH COACH!"
"YEAAAHHHH!"
BOOOO!"
"And on the other corner, we have...A TALKING DOG!"
"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"Uh oh. That ain't boding too tootin' well for us, Roachie Coachie! I"
"Huh. I suppose a talking dog would be more popular than either of us."
"To kick off this debate, we will let the underdogs get a word in...and I don't mean the actual dog, ladies and gents."
"Thank you kindly, Mr. Announcer. I just want to speak for everyone that's darn tootin' irritated with how much our current politicians step in our yards without asking any permission to."
"And as for me, I represent America's insect population, who's also dissatisfied with the direction the country has gone."
"Very thoughtful words, you two. Now it's time to see what your opponent has to say."
"In a world where no non-human had taken the risk to throw themselves into American politics, I...a talking dog, is making one small step for all of my fellow talking animals and will make not only my fellow citizens of Townsville proud, but will also make the rest of the world realize that the best damn candidate for president is, in fact, a talking animal. Once I am elected, I will dedicate myself to being the ultimate standard bearer of what makes a president legendary."
"YAAAAAAAAAAY! TALKING DOG! TALKING DOG! TALKING DOG!"
"Uhh...ohh."
Approximately months later, after which many other events of this story will take place in later chapters.
"And your new American President is...TOWNSVILLE'S VERY OWN TALKING DOG!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"Oh...man. I'm so darn tootin' fucked, Roachie Coachie!"
"Well...i'm afraid you're on your own to deal with that crap, Fuzzy."
"Not so fast, inept insect!"
"AHHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU SHOWING ME?! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME YOUR POWERS ARE EXACTLY CAPABLE OF?! AWWWWW FUUUUUCK! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT...STOP!"
Oh no. A simple touch from Her's palm can make even the most cynical person witness the most inhumane, atrocious acts of humanity that can be committed on this world!
And I swore Him was evil enough...sheesh.
"Uhhh...Roachie. That devil lady's gone now."
"...oh. Phew, that was a close call."
"Not from us, buckos!"
"OH NO! NOT THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!"
"You see, Fuzzy and Roach. I did some investigating into how you were running your campaigns and apparently, there was some financial fraud committed!"
"YEAH..a very valid reason for us to fuck both of your shit up!"
"...aw man. I wish I was sleepin' back in mah bed. This presidential nonsense is just not for me."
"You could say that again, Fuzzy."
SMACK!
WHACK!
SNAP!
TEAR!
CRUNCH!
SHWACK!
CRASH!
CRACK!
Oh those silly criminals turned wannabe political candidates. When will they ever learn?
And with that said...the day is saved…
thanks to…
THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!
THE END
Townsville Public Records
File No. 375031
Ken Kavinsky
Age: 22
Hair Color:Dark Brown
Height: Five Feet, Eleven and a Half Inches
Weight: One Hundred and Sixty Pounds
Personal Activities: College Science/Electronics Major and Occasional Assistant for Professor Utonium. Also works as a roadie for "Negligent Assailant
Relationship Status: In a Relationship.
{{{End Transmission}}}