Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing
A/N: I, the author, make an appearance in the fallowing chapter, lol...this is pretty long...
Last time on "The Maid Did It!":
Alucard suddenly collapsed under mysterious circumstances and fell asleep. Seras and Pip shoved him away to play. Suddenly, Integracame into the room with only her bra and pants on, everyone stopped playing as she exclaimed,"Let's all be happy and strip! C'mon, be nude with me! Whoopie!"
"...(gasp)...Sir Integra!" everyone gasped as they paused. (A/N: Is it just me or does everyone love to gasp?!)
Maxwell, Walter, and I arrived just on time to stop her from showing us any more skin. She continued to giggle madly as they dragged her out of the room, I stayed to scribble more things on Alucard's face...
Chapter 4: Promotion Already?
The afternoon was nearly over and was fading quickly into night after my shift; I found myself passed out on Alucard's DDR floor with a large drool blob coming from my mouth, Yumiko was there to wake me up,"Mr. Matt...Mr. Matt! Ew, ew, ew, drool! Mr. Matt!"
"Huh, whazza?!" I snorted, shaking my head and whiping my mouth free from saliva. Yumiko continued shaking me until I was completely awake,"I didn't do it-"
"No, no, Sir Hellsing's missing!"
"And you should be flipping out because...?" I asked, an eyebrow raised.
"All matter of God's creatures, minus the undead, should be cared for!"
"Aw, how cute-" that statement couldn't make me do anything but smile.
From four floors above on the fourth floor, we heard Father Anderson bellow,"AH'VE GOT HER!"
"I VILL GET THE SLEEPING PILLS!"
"AH'LL KILL HER WHILE YER AT IT!"
"NO, FATHER! I VILL FIND MATT! PIP!"
"YES, SIR!"
"IT'S MA'AM!"
"WHATEVER, YOU HOMO-"
"I'M A HETERO!"
Within two seconds, Heinkel appeared in front of us, she tripped over Alucard's body and quickly got up while fixing her shades, she started shouting at me,"Matt! Vhere's the sleeping pills you haf used on Alucard?"
"How'd you know-"
"Sanji told us..."
"The chef's name is Sanji?! Wtf?!"
"Ja, now vhere?"
"Here!" I searched my apron and my pockets, nothing,"It's not here..."
"Vell, help me find them! To your room!" Heinkel pointed ahead like a retard as if we were going on some Grand Adventure on the Grand Line. "You too, Yumiko!" Her arms wrapped around both our waists and she began sprinting up the halls and stairs. She was panting heavily when we reached my room, I gave her advice,"You coulda' used the elevator..." Heinkel flipped out on me,"Then you should haf told me!" I shrugged apologetically as she tore through my closet, drawers, trunks, and backpack.
"Hey! Dude...or dudette, that's private property!" I yelled, she turned while tossing a pair of my boxers at Yumiko'shead and gave the death glare,"Whoa, sorry!"
"Sir Hellsing is acting like a retard on the floor above, it's taking eweryone's participation to hold her down! Now start helping or I'll tie your own leg to the bed frame!" she threatened me so badly, I fell backwards.
"AH! DAMNIT! SHE GOT AWAY!"
"SHE'S HEADIN' TAE THAH THIRD FLOOR!"
"OH, NO SHIT! IT'S THE ONLY FLOOR NEXT, STUPID!"
"YE WAN' AE FIGHT MEH, DRACULINA?!"
Integra whizzed past our room crackling with Walter, Maxwell, Pip, Seras, and Anderson in hot pursuit; they couldn't run anymore and stopped at the door panting.
"Ah, Maid, fix me some tea," Maxwell ordered me, I shook my head,"No! That's what got everyone into this fix in the first place! I drugged Integra and Alucard's drinks, so don't start yelling at me...yet...now..." I cleared my throat and began that speech people make to encourage other idiots to go to war.
"I'm going to be a man and stop this!" my chest puffed up as I straitened my back to look taller,"Do you want to live in fear? Fear of Integra stripping everyday in front of our eyes?"
"NO!" everyone shouted simultaneously.
"The Fear of Integra being Happy Daisies for All?!"
"NEVER!"
"Who finds it appropriate for Integra to hump a llama?!"
"NONE!"
"`cuz she's doing it right now..."
"Ew, that's physically impossible," Seras pointed out.
"How do you know?"
"It just is..."
"Had you tried...?"
"WHAT?! ARE YOU SICK MINDED?!"
"Right on the bull's eye, Missy....now...Do we want our Search and Destroy/Bitchin' Integra back?!"
"YES!"
"Now repeat what I say: We want Integra back!"
"WE WANT INTEGRA BACK!"
"We're going listen to Matthew Wingates!"
"WE'RE GOING TO LISTEN TO MATTHEW WINGATES!"
"And Yumiko's going to get Matt a root beer from the kitchen!"
They stopped cheering but Yumiko repeated,"And I'm going to get Mr. Matt root beer-wait-are you serious on that one?" I nodded. "You could've just told me..."
"Can you please get me one?"
"That is out of the question, some one had thought it amusing to use root beer as rocket fuel the other night. Now we have no more root beer in stock," Walter explained, lips quivering, knees shaking, I got to the floor and cried. Yumiko knelled over and patted my head.
"Aw, don't worry Mr. Matt, I'll go buy some after this is done-KYA!"
I hopped to my feet (she fell over) and shouted with a fist raised high in a ball,"I've got a plan! Seras, say 'groovey'."
"Groovey, but what-"
"Great, you're Daphnie...Pip, you're Scooby-Doo....Heinkel, Velma....Anderson's Shaggy...and I'm Fred-"
Heinkel threw a punch in the back of my head, she exhaled the nicotine from her cigarette and rolled her eyes,"Ve're not playing Scooby-Doo here. This is a serious matter....so do you haf a plan or vhat?"
"Owie, does she hit this hard?" I asked, a giant bump produced from the back; the Iscariot nodded while Yumiko took out a roll of bandage and wrapped it around my head. "Heinkel, I could be serious when I wanna be, this is good time to tell everyone....I'm America's Next Top Stalker (A/N: I was gonna say America's Next Top Model)! Here's my i.d. of going to the Intimacy Stalker High School." I took out my wallet and showed them my identification. "They say I'm the best, people in New York ask me to stalk, but hey. I wanted to be an F.B.I agent and fallow Light Yagami around the Kanto region until he kills me in a train station....Raye Pember, what kinda' name is that?!"
"You came from America?" Maxwell rubbed a hand on his chin thoghtfully,"This could really help-"
Integra suddenly burst into the room and grabbed Maxwell and scurried off shouting,"I LOVE THIS MAN!" We all stood there and never noticed what happened.
"HEINKEL! YUMIKO! ANDERSOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"
"An intimacy stalker vinds up vorking as a maid...hmph..."
"I know a few simple tricks...after all, I'm a teenager unlike the rest of you fools-"
"Hey, I'm nineteen!" Yumiko called out in the background, Heinkel raised an eyebrow,"Eh? Your resume said you vere twenty-vone." Her partner shrugged,"Yumie's twenty-one, I'm nineteen..." They all stared at her.
"Ye were sah'posed tae be o'er twenty taework with us...ye're a year yoon'ger tae be wit' us...ye're fired..."
"EH?! YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! Wait, hold on," Yumiko paused and threw her glasses to me and out came Yumie screaming,"YOU CAN'T FUCKING FIRE MEH! I'M THE VATICAN'S GREATEST DIVINE WEAPON: THE BIG BAD BITCH!"
"Ve're firing Yumiko, not you, Yumie," Heinkel pointed out bluntly, Yumie snatched her glasses and shoved them up to the bridge of her nose muttering,"Your turn." Yumiko returned to us, eye twitching, and she started crying.
"Aw, donnae make it harder than it is-"
"IKNOW! HOWABOUTWEMAKEYUMIKOFETCHMEXWELL, IFSHESUCEEDS, YOUHIREHER!" I shouted out in one breath, Yumiko had those anime stars for eyes while her hands were clamped together; tears of happiness streamed down her cheeks as she started thanking me,"I don't know what you said, Mr. Matt, but thank you!"
"No pro...." she gave me one of those tight, bear hugs, I gasped,"Can't....chokin'....Yumiko!" My legs started kicking as Heinkel grabbed the camera, Seras pulled out the camcorder at the same time. "What....bakas....do?!"
"Hold that pose, Yumiko, it's wery sveet..."
"Oi, Maid, keep smiling!"
"Heinkel...Walter...anyone!!!!"
"Put the idiot down, Ms. Takagi, we need him," Pip smirked,"But you can hold me-owie!"
"Hit on your own nun!" Heinkel snapped when Yumiko (finally) dropped me saying,"So what do you want me to do, Mr. Matt?"
"Don't hug me like that again?" I asked, rubbing the ribs that were nearly crushed,"G-go to their room and fetch Maxie, simple as that-" In a flash, she left us all, we stood there until Pip spoke,"Any one read any good books lately?"
"Oh, yeah, there's this cool thing called Hellsing," I started,"Written by this dude named Khota Hirano."
"Really? What's it about?" Walter asked. (A/N: MAJOR spoilers from volume 9 in the next paragraph)
"It's about this butler who betrays the family he serves in order to become the real Angel of Death and defeat this Vampire King....and there's this nun he slices up into pieces and this other nun (dressed as a priest, yet fans don't know her true gender), who was her best friend, gets her cheek shot off by this werewolf....highly recommended to anyone who loves violence...."
The room went totally silent and Walter adjusted his tie while clearing his throat,"Um...what about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling?"
"Oh, that's a good book."
"Rowling sunk my ship of Neville/Luna, they vere such a good couple..."
"Yeah, and Draco/Hermione, but that's a long shot."
We went on talking about Harry Potter vs. Twilight (A/N: No offense, but I hate Twilight 'cause they don't got vampires like they do in Hellsing, plz don't flame me for that) until Yumiko appeared, her dress disheveled and her hair a mess,"Guys! Guys! You have to help me!" We all started fallowing her up to the fourth floor as she tried to explain,"They just won't stop!"
"Stop vhat?"
"Whatever it was they were doing, but I know it's so addicting!"
Everyone,plus me, gagged by the time we reached Integra's door.
"Don't tell me their fucking," I groaned, she opened the door and I covered my eyes,"OH LORD! MY EYES! YUMIE! CLAW OUT MY EYES! IT'S HORRIFYING!!!" I suddenly heard the melody for Thriller by Michel Jackson. "EH?!" She pulled on my hand and told me to go inside, I was forced to open my eyes and see Integra and Maxwell...
"AHA! Master!" Alucard snarled from behind, everyone turned and laughed at his face, I drew blackheads all over. "There's MY..." he pointed into her room, but then he was mulled over by a herd of llamas. All of them crowded around Yumiko, who immediately started petting them,"Oh, they're so cute, are they yours Mr...?"
"That's Alucard," Heinekel murmured, Anderson started laughing again,"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YE OWN ONE O' GOD'S WEAKEST CREATURES?! I PITY YE-" A random llama kicked him out the window. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" We heard him splash into a body of water.
"Hellsing'sgot a pool?" I asked Walter, he nodded,"It's thirty feet deep...complete with a diving board and waterfall, along with a spa for ten." Pip's eyes gazed around the ladies in the hallway, he suddenly earned a nosebleed, Seras tried to snap him out of his trance,"Heh, heh, heh...heh....(sigh)....heh...ten, eh? Ms. Wolfe, do you wear a one piece or a two? How about Seras-girl? And Ms. Takagi?"
"Didn't I tell you to hit on your own nun?!"
WHACK!
"Hey, what are you people just standing around her for?" Integra's voice called, it turned out she and Maxwell were playing on Alucard's D.D.R. I gave a sigh of relief, at least they weren't doing...things....it tuned out Walter was relieved as much as I was as he rubbed his forehead. I removed my apron and told everyone,"I'm signing out-" Maxwell and Integra appeared in front of me, causing me to jump in fright.
"Me and Father Maxwell had done some research-"
"On each other? You really don't need books or the Internet-"
"On you, Mr. Wingates," Maxwell explained,"First of all, someone get these llamas out of here. I mean, who the hell did they make it inside this house?!"
"Yes, and why is Alucard on the floor?! Matt! Return to your work and help out Alucard!"
.:Next Day-Integra's Office:.
"So your real name, Matt, is Matthew Wingates, an Irish and Scots who lives in an apartment complex by himself and drives a Harley Davidson. Mr. Wignates had kicked you out of your home when you were fourteen so you worked at a shooting range for a while....but your currently employed as a bartender, correct?" Integra read off a paper and I nodded, the Iscariot and Maxwell were on her left side, the Hellsing Organization were to her right. "Your school records say that you were sent to jail several times for stalking a girl named Luna Morgan...that makes you an Intimacy Stalker..."
"Got that right..."
"A sharpshooter with an accuracy of 88.9%, even with moving targets...that could rival the Police-girl if she were human...but you wear contacts. In other words, they're almost as bad as Sister Takagi....That drops your chances to 2.1% if you were to lose both the glasses and contacts..."
"True..."
"...and you have a knack for hacking computers?"
"Of course!" I lied.
"And the motorcycle?"
"Lady, I do races and other dangerous things you wouldn't consider doing, but I always lose....I got a driver's licence though! Sha-bam!" I took out my i.d. and everyone stared at it. "Broke eighty bones and got into a comma." (A/N: Maybe that's why Matt's so screwed up in the brain.)
"Normally, both organizations recruit those who are twenty, but your birthday is in a month from now so we will add you to our forces-"
"I'm already working as a maid..."
"....we could use your abilities to aid us-"
"Did you say we and us in the same sentence? You mean that the Iscariot and Hellsing are joining hand-in-hand and going to tea parties?!" she nodded. "That is totally waaaaaaaay OOC, or Out of Character!"
"We, of the Hellsing Orginization..."
"...and we of the Iscariot Organization," Maxwell said,"Are asking for your aid for this next mission of ours...well, there are two different missions actually, one for each of us, but they both require your level of expertise in the field of stalking but since Alucard, Seras, and Anderson are unable to go...."
.:Two Hours Later After Explaining Useless Shit:.
"So I quit my job as a maid?" I hopefully asked, a smile upon my face, Alucard shook his head,"If that were to happen, there would be no use in calling this fan fiction "The Maid Did It!" and it would be called "The Stalker Did It!" correct, WizardsOfHogwarts?"
"Yes, yes!" shouted a girl from nowhere, she jumped into plain sight. She carried a laptop in a case that was over her shoulders, a black, long cloak covered her body and a hood hid her face. "I am the author and this is my story. All right?! You break it, you buy it! Catch that, Matt?!"
"Uh...what? How does that make any sense?"
"I dunno, it's fun to say it though!" WizardsOfHogwarts suddenly crashed through Integra's window and disappeared.
"That vas wery awkvard...oh, the photos vere developed thanks to Seras!" Heinkel suddenly tossed random pictures to everyone as Integra continued to explain about my new job,"Welcome to the Hellsing Organization and the Iscariot Orginization, you are Hellsing's American Agent....your first mission is with Yumiko Takagi and Heinkel Wolfe to the outskirts of Las Vegas, Nevada to investigate mysterious disappearances in both the city and the desert..."
"Wait, you're sending me to America just because I'm American? Isn't that offensive?"
"No, your knowledge of America will help us greatly-"
"Um, me failing history class thirteen times isn't gonna help-"
"It's better than nothing. You would still have your weekly salary from your duties of a maid, but you also have a monthly earning from these missions."
"How much?"
"That would be £1,600 per mission...which is around $2400..."
"HOLY SHIT! THAT MUCH?!"
"Do not be surprised, I gain more money than you," Pip said in the background,"Near £5,700..." I whipped out a calculator and punched in random numbers and then yelled,"You get $8,589.96?!" He nodded.
"All right, when do I go?" I asked.
"Today, right now, you are to ride on the Vatican's private jet...Remember that you work for Hellsing but I'm temporally lending you to Iscariot, so I give you one order: Search and Destroy!...oh, and also have fun on your trip and bring back something nice, maybe one of those neat dream catchers," Integra smiled and waved as I was being dragged out of the office by Yumiko and Heinkel.
"Ve packed your clothes, so let's go..."
"...and don't worry Mr. Matt!" Yumiko smiled,"We got enough root-beer..." I slammed my feet to the floor and shouted,"Where's the mission, say that again?!"
"Nevada, in America-"
"And our plane lands in Las Vegas?!"
"Ja..."
"And then we go north-west?"
"Uh-huh..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...!..."
"...?..."
"...!!..."
"...?!..."
"...we're going to Area 51, aren't we?"
"...yep."
"NOOOOOOOOO!" I wretched myself from their grip and grasped the edges of the door frame; Heinkel and Yumiko grabbed my feet and pulled,"No! Never! I won't go! I-I have llamas to feed and drugs to water!"
"What's-wrong-with-that-Mr.-Matt?"
"Ja-vhat's-vrong-vith-Area-51?"
I started crying,"I-I...I-I....I'm scared of aliens!"
"ALIENS?! You haf got to be kidding me, Yumiko, vait in the car...."
One by one, she plucked my fingers from the frame and then carried by under her waist muttering,"Ve don't haf time for this, vhy is he flipping out on us now?...Besides, there's no such things as aliens." She threw me into the back seat with a large suit case banging my head. "Look inside that, Pip got you something in advance...vell, two somethings, really..." The engine started as I opened one suit case to see a Lee-Enfield (rifle, but that's as far as I'm gonna go with details) and a Desert Eagle Semi-automatic pistol (Heinkel carries this). There were ten casings and other things I needed that I'm not gonna bother labeling them. "All the bullets haf explosive tips, they vere blessed the His Holiness himself..." I sat there gawking at the two assassins.
"You expect me to know how to use them?!"
"Ja, your friend does own a shooting range, right?"
"...all right, I usually work with rifles and long-distances...I was thinking of leaving high school and going into the military and be a sniper...but what the hell, I figured something great would happen in my life...maybe like a 9th Crusade or something..."
"...then I von't haf to teach you," Heinkel sighed in relief as she turned a corner,"You vanted to be a sniper?"
"I may look like an idiot, but I can shoot off any idiot's head from 100 yards (A/N: What Matt is saying is basically true. I rather prefer a rifle than a handgun.). My folks say I got a good eye but I really suck at close-combat. I mean, I'll throw good punches and kicks and dodge things, but that's just it...no swords, knives, sticks...."
"Looks like we got an American mutt with us, Heinkel!" Yumiko exclaimed. There was silence in the car before I spoke out,"This isn't Hellsing anymore, look at us, I feel like Alice and Buffy...." A pause. "...This is totally turning into Resident Evil: Extinction and Buffy the Vampire Slayer...suh-weet!"
"You vatch that stuff?"
"Hai!"
"...I love Resident Evil...I haf it on Vii (wii), PS2, and Gamecube..."
Heinkel plays Resident Evil?...doesn't she LIVE in it?! Oh, I am aware the game came out 1996, Hellsing's time line is around 1998, so Heinkel would be able to get a copy of the game..fun tips of info. just for ya...
This chapter begins the Iscariot Tours of America (ITA) arch, two-four chapters will posted on one update for this.
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