A/N: I HAVE MY OWN TVTROPES PAGE! ONE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF! YES! THE CAMPAIGN IS WORKING! AOIRANN, I LOVE YOU!
Overmaster has made his crack known. Now it's my turn…
...
Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 4: Timey-Wimey Ball of Stuff
Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.
...
"Counter Terrorists WIN!" Akane cried, his Vulcan spitting out bullets fast enough to cut down a tree. Well, a tree other than the World Tree.
Ayaka blocked, dodging what she couldn't. "Does anyone still play that?"
"Play what?" Akane asked.
Ayaka rolled her eyes.
"AH! What's going on here?" a familiar voice cried.
The two looked up. "Nanoha-chan?" Ayaka exclaimed, surprised. "What's with that dress? And… why are you floating?"
"Eh?" Nanoha cried, bewildered. "You can recognize me?"
Akane rolled his eyes. "Your face is showing, of course we recognize you! And those panties really don't suit you."
Nanoha gave a strangled cry and tried to hold down her skirt.
Ayaka turned to her. "We'll continue this some other time, Tendo-san." She turned and ran.
"Hey! Come back here, bitch!" Akane cried, pointing his gun.
"Ah! No! You can't shoot an un-protected person in the back!" Nanoha cried. "Divine Shooter!"
BOOM!
"Ah! I lost her! Who do you think you're messing with, bitch?" Akane cried, pointing her Vulcan at Nanoha. "I'm gonna perforate your ass!"
"Ah! Round Shield!"
Across the multiverse, multiple Nanohas got the disturbing feeling something was wrong with existence as Takamachi Nanoha of class 2-A found herself horribly outgunned.
...
Chao hated her nightly walk. She hated it about as much as the author trying to write Chao's full name, because he's never sure whether it should be Lingshen Chao or Chao Lingshen. Still, it was one of the things that needed to be done to preserve some semblance of sanity. Chao's nightly walk, not the author trying to write her full name. We'll stop breaking the fourth wall now.
The sun had long set, and Sakura Lane stood invitingly in front of her. The hefted the gym bag over her shoulder and checked her watch. Then she started to walk.
There was a crack of thunder, and she took a step back as a Delorean landed right were she'd have been. She took a sideways step out of instinctive long practice.
"Marty!" a frizzle-haired man cried, lunging out from the driver's seat. "You have to come back with me!"
Chao gently pushed him back into the car, leaning over to reprogram the machine. "Hello again, Doctor Brown."
"Oh, hello Chao dear. We really have to stop meeting like this," the old man said.
"I very much agree," Chao said. "Just drive on behind me, you should have enough room to his 88 miler per hour."
"Right!" the old inventor said. "See you later."
"God, I hope not," Chao muttered as he drove of, disappearing in fiery tire tracks. She resumed walking.
A sphere-shaped area in front of her began to warp. Chao reached into her bag. When she next looked up, a very sexy naked woman knelt there, staring at her with dead eyes.
Chao shot the T-X in the head and kept on walking as it collapsed behind her.
A police call box materialized in front of her, and a head stuck out. "Ah, hello young lady. Could you tell me where–?"
Chao kicked him back inside the police m\box and gently closed the door, patting it gently. "Nice to see you again, girl. Please get him away from me?"
The box vanished.
A weird special effect happened a few steps later, and Chao found himself facing a rather busty girl with nice hair. "Mikuru," Chao said, coolly. "Lost again?"
"She's been reading Drunken Gognard's stuff," the Time-Traveller said, just as coolly. "It's been messing things up. Navigation is difficult, because of (Classified information)."
"One wonders why you don't just shoot her," Chao said.
"Kyon would be upset."
"Then just shoot him too."
"She'd be upset."
"Shoot them both."
"You seem to mistake us for the cast of Evangelion or something."
They glared.
"Get out of my timeline," Chao said.
Mikuru sniffed. "Gladly. Bitch."
"Whore," Chao said as she faded away. She kept on walking.
There was a flare of light and a girl about her age with pink hair in two pointed buns with long tails trailing from them appeared. She smiled brightly. "Chao!"
"Usagi!" Chao cried just as happily.
There was another flare of light.
"Chao!" Usagi cried, reaching out her hand.
"Usagi!" Chao cried again, trying to reach her. Too late, the other girl had disappeared.
"DARN IT!" Chao cried. "Why can I never find love!-?"
A pink portal opened, and a red-haired woman stepped out, looking around in confusion. "Hey, where's the Rustbucket?"
"Hello, Gwendolyn," Chao said tiredly. "You're in Mahora again."
"Oh, sorry Chao. Didn't mean to bother you. Bye!" She stepped out again
A moment and several steps later, a gigantic bird of fire appeared, spitting out a gargoyle. "I hate that thing," Brooklyn grumled.
"Hey, Brooklyn."
"Chao? Shouldn't you be on Mars? I thought it was illegal for you to be on Earth?"
"Not at this point in time."
"Oh. That's cool."
Another gigantic bird of fire appeared again, ate the gargoyle, and exploded in flames.
Chao sighed, got the fire extinguisher from her bag, and put out the pile of flaming phoenix poo. "Inconsiderate bird," she muttered.
Several more steps later, a giant bubble-looking thing materialized in her path, with three teenagers inside it.
She kicked the base of the thing and they cried as they were sent hurtling through time again. "Piece of junk Time Institute gear," she muttered, walking on.
A man in blue and gold wearing golden goggles appeared, a golden machine orb floating at his side.
"Booster," Chao greeted.
"Chao," he said, greeting her right back.
"How's being the greatest hero no one's ever heard of?"
"Oh, you know. It sucks, everyone thinks you're a moron. How's being the world's most well-intentioned extremist?"
"I have my own chain of restaurants and am filthy rich."
"Damn you."
"Sir?" Skeets said.
"Oh, right. Got a spare battery?"
"Here."
"Thanks."
They disappeared.
Really, Chao hated her nightly walk…
...
"I'm so sorry!" Akane repeated yet again in their room as she helped patch up Nanoha. "Really, I am! It's just that, well, my male form seems to be a hyper-violent psycho with misogyny problems who thinks violence should be used for every little thing! I'm so sorry!"
"Really, it's all right, Akane-chan," Nanoha said, waving her off. "No one was hurt."
"But I shot at you!"
"Eh, no harm, no foul," Nanoha insisted. "You say that other girl was Iincho…?"
"I'm… not sure I should talk about it," Akane said.
"Akane, if TV has taught us nothing, it's that Magical Girls more often than not are idiots for not telling people around them what's going on," Nanoha said. "After all, umpity-billion fix fics can't be wrong."
"Yet I notice you didn't tell me, your roommate who you live with and can help you cover, about suddenly becoming a Magical Girl," Akane pointed out. "Does the ferret have anything to do with it?"
Nanoha frowned. "Well, you didn't tell me when you became a Magical Girl!"
"I didn't have time to lead up to it, you ran off so fast this morning!" Akane said. "But at least I told my boyfriend and Asuna and Konoka!"
Nanoha sighed in defeat. "All right, you've got me."
Akane nodded in satisfaction. There was a brief moment of silence.
"So… why are you a Magical Girl?" Akane asked. "I'll tell you my reason if you tell me yours."
"Deal," Nanoha agreed.
"Well, I'm a Kampfer, and I have to fight other Kampfers who don't wear the same color bracelet I do," Akane said, showing Nanoha her blue bracelet. "That's it really."
Nanoha frowned. "Huh… not very righteous or standing much for truth, love and justice, is it?"
"And yours is any better?" Akane said.
"Well, I'm looking for the Jewel Seeds, 21 powerful gems that react to people's wishes and desires, each with possibly the power to destroy the world. I have to seal them before something bad happens," Nanoha said proudly.
Akane considered this. "Wow, that's actually pretty Magical Girly. Fine, your reason is better."
"Thank you."
"You're a moron for trying to accomplish it alone though. I'm helping."
"Hey!" Nanoha protested. "You're probably right, but there's not call to call me a moron! Besides, I'm not alone, I have Yuuno-kun helping me!"
In his basket, the ferret winced.
Akane turned to look at him. "The ferret," she said blandly. "I don't suppose he turns into some sort of giant combat ferret?"
"Well, he teaches me magic and can make shields!" Nanoha said. "So I have someone to help me and give me advise."
Akane sighed. "I'd say you're getting a better Magical Girl package…" she grinned. "But my gun is bigger than yours. Top THAT!"
"It's not the size, it's how you use it!" Nanoha protested.
They paused.
"That sounded so much less Freudian in my head," Akane said.
"Ditto."
...
A new day rose. It soon became obvious it should have stayed in bed.
"Look, who the hell are you?-!" Ranma cried as he dodged.
"Don't pretend innocent, Saotome!" the boy with the back pack, bandanna, and umbrella cried, slashing at him with said instrument. "You know perfectly well who I am! Now, I shall have my revenge for the humiliations you have laid upon me!"
"Seriously dude, I have no idea who you are!" Ranam cried, running away like any sane person would, making a beeline for the train station. "Help! Lunatic with an umbrella trying to kill me! Police! Campus security! Random altruistic martial artists! Magical Girls, even!"
"Coward!" the boy chasing him cried. "You dare bring other people into this, an honorable battle between men?"
"There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with what you just said, you sick freak!" Ranma cried, breezing past a startled Nanoha, Asuna, Akane and Konoka. Asuna blinked.
"Ryouga-kun?" she said.
"YOU DARE IMPUGN MY MANHOOD AND CALL MY A GIRLY-GIRL, SAOTOME?" Ryouga raged. "Perish now!"
"I never said anything of the sort, you nutcase!" Ranma screamed as he ran around the girls, his pursuer right behind him. "Someone help me here?"
Konoka put a finger on her cheek thoughtfully. "Don't call the violent person names, Ranma-kun!"
"NOT THE KIND OF HELP I WAS LOOKING FOR, KONOKA-CHAN!"
"Saotome-style special technique!" Asuna cried. "Sono-ue-de-dōsa-suru-baka-ga-torippu-ga-kare-no-kao-no-shuhō-ni-batan-to-taoreru-yō-ni-ashi-o-dasu!"
She stuck out her foot, and the moron running behind Ranma tripped over it, resulting in him falling flat on his face.
Akane, Nanoha and Konoka stared with absolutely deadpan faces. "Wow," Akane said, tone matching face. "What a truly terrifying technique perfectly worthy of such a name."
"It's exactly what it says on the tin," Nanoha agreed.
Asuna rolled her eyes, but put one foot hard on the fallen boy's back. "Ryouga-kun! What's the big idea just randomly attacking my brother out of the blue like that!"
At that moment, unknown to either of them, a bizarre series of events was set in motion. It is an event of such a ridiculous number of contrived coincidences that result in a Rube-Goldberg-esque sequence of events that describing it would render it completely unbelievable. Especially the chain involving the platypus, the Russian satellite and the vat of yogurt. It's results, however, are much more clear.
Water seemed to fall out of a clear blue sky, drenching Asuna and the boy both.
Fortunately, one of these bizarre series of events meant that everyone else was looking away staring as Saber and Signum dueled in the street, arguing about whether egg noodles, wheat noodles or Italian pasta was better, a duel that would soon be known as the Noodle Incident.
When the water washed away, a slim, dark-haired boy with his hair in a long tail held at the back of her neck was standing over a little girl with Ayanami Rei-blue hair, fox ears, tail, a now ridiculously big backpack, and an umbrella. Now over-sized clothes did not hide the fact she appeared to be wearing a full on loli-goth ensemble in vinyl, rubber, satin and lace.
For a moment, Ranma, and the girls just stared. The little girl's head turned slowly to stare up at Boy!Asuna. "Saotome…" she growled, and this time there was recognition in her voice. "It is you, you cross-dressing deviant!"
"Ryouga…" Asuna said, thankful that his body was pretty much in proportion with his girl-self, though his bra was now a needless weight on his chest. "I take it you've been to Jusenkyo too?"
The little girl paused. "'Too'?" she said.
"Yeah, I looks like we both fell into the Spring of Drowned Girl–" Asuna was saying, before the girl under her barked a laugh.
"Spring of Drowned Girl? Spring of Drowned Girl? I wish I fell into something as nice as Spring of Drowned Girl!" the girl that used to be Ryouga ranted. "The world isn't so nice as to let me fall into the Spring of Drowned Girl! Or even the Spring of Drowned Korean Poop Cartoon! No, I fell into the Spring of Drowned Shapechanging Lolicon Fetish Fuel Jailbait! AND IT'S ALL! YOUR! FAULT!"
There was a horrified pause.
"Sucks to be you, man," Asuna said.
...
- To be continued...
...
A/N: In case you can't tell, Male!Akane has her fanon personality.
I love Google Translate.
Ryouga's hair is a tribute to Kenko's Girl Days series, which I pray he still works on. I considered Ryouga falling into Spring of Drowned Inu-Yasha, Spring of Drowned Loli (normal), and things like Spring of Drowned Renamon, but nothing seemed evil enough…
Then I made THIS!
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.