Chapter 3: A Stranger Song.
I'm sorry, my lovelies, I have to add a warning to this chapter: there will be a brief mention of child death due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. No details, I promise.
I don't have enough words to describe how thankful I am for believeitornot's assistance with this. I love her like I love Bobby. YMFC, bb.
Song: A Stranger Song, Bobby Long
"Does your heart beat so softly without warning?
And does it beat out to the slow pace of the morning?
When you close your eyes after all that you see
Will you let the strangers be?
The train it hits the railroad
And it cowers under flies
It's painted by a man itself so it doesn't creep it cries
You have seen the passageway
But you trembled at the start
You have always seen the strangers play
And let them frolic with your heart
And it's another chance to make amends
But they dabble with your code
You're lost without a wolf or beast
To stop you in the road
And he's sitting quietly in his cell and
Counting down its stones
Well a woman with your kind of heart
Will always be alone."
February 2009
If I'm being honest, I almost expect Bella to cancel on me at some point. I'm genuinely surprised when I get home from school and find her waiting for me in the living room.
"Hey. You still good to go tonight, Bella?"
"Am I not dressed appropriately?" Bella looks concerned, and I smile as I shake my head.
"You look great," I assure her. She does, too – those tight jeans that I appreciate so much, a sheer black blouse-thing with a black tank underneath it, and those ballerina shoes that girls who don't like heels wear. Her shoes are red, which I think is pretty cool. I wonder if I can get some red shoes? Not those ballerina ones, obviously, but like, some red chucks or something. That'd be cool.
"I want red shoes," I tell her. Bella looks at me in surprise, which makes me feel a little stupid, but then she giggles and I forget all about feeling dumb. It's a pretty sound, one I'd like to capture and carry around in my pocket. It's free and light and easy. I'm almost certain a dose of Bella's laugh would work just as well as my pills.
"Do you want to wear mine?" Bella offers me, grinning mischievously.
"Yes," I tell her, trying to keep my face straight. I'm relieved by the comfortable camaraderie we're enjoying; I'd been concerned that this morning's incident may have destroyed any easiness between us.
Bella arches an eyebrow in challenge and kicks her shoes off.
"Well, have at them, then."
I chuckle as I place my foot beside one of them; the girl has tiny feet. I'd have to amputate my toes to fit my feet into them.
"I don't think they'll fit, somehow. I'll stretch the crap outta them, and then you won't have awesome red shoes anymore." Bella shakes her head, her brown-gold eyes dancing at my ridiculousness. "How do you even stay upright on feet that small?"
"I'm just that talented." Bella giggles as she slips her shoes back on. "Are you ready to go?"
"Uh, yeah. Just give me a minute." I quickly duck into my bedroom and shove a can of deodorant under my shirt, wincing slightly as the cool spray hits my skin. I grab up a scarf and some gloves and jog back to the living room. In my absence, Bella has donned a black wool coat and a furry white scarf, and is pulling on her gloves.
"It's fucking freezing out there, and it's still raining," I tell her. "Are you good to go?"
"Um, just a sec." Bella hesitates for a moment before she kicks off the red ballerina shoes and disappears back toward her bedroom. A minute later she reappears, now wearing the most fuck-awesome pair of boots I've ever seen. Of course, they're fire-truck red as well, and they look like trendy rain-boots for adults.
"You're lucky I'm not a girl, Bella." I grin when she looks up at me in surprise. "I'd totally be stealing your shoes all the time."
Bella rolls her eyes and giggles again. "I never would have picked you as the type to have a shoe-fetish, Edward."
I pretend to scowl as I lead her out the front door and toward my car. I open the door for her and she hesitates, biting her lip.
"You're not going to drink?" she asks quietly.
"I'll have a beer or two," I tell her. "But I'm not really a big drinker." Bella's expression clears as she nods her acceptance and slides into the passenger seat.
"That's pretty unusual, isn't it?" Bella asks as soon as I climb into the driver's seat. I blink at her, nonplussed.
"Uh, your not drinking much," she clarifies.
"Oh. Uh, yeah." I shrug. "I can't. Um, I take this medication, and it doesn't mix so well with alcohol. Um, alcohol affects me faster because of it. So, I can have a beer or two occasionally, but I shouldn't really drink too much, or too often."
"Okay then." Bella smiles in understanding. Because it's Bella, I'm not surprised that she doesn't ask me for more information. I'd probably tell her if she asked, but she doesn't, so I pull out of our driveway, making my way carefully through the slick streets toward the brewery Jazz and I have been frequenting for the past few months.
"What is this?" Bella's question startles me. "The music." She points at the car stereo.
"Uh, Zoe Keating."
"It's beautiful." Bella's eyes flutter closed and a small smile curls up the corners of her lips. Huh. Bella has really nice lips. They're all cherry-pink and plump and soft looking; I bet they taste sweet. Yeah, time to think of something else, Masen. I'm wholly unsuccessful in my efforts to distract myself, but fortunately, it's only a short drive to the brewery.
Soon enough, we're seated in a cozy little booth, beers and burgers in front of us. When I come here with Jasper, the slow jazz and dim lighting make this place seem like a haven – a place where we can mellow out and forget about all the shit life has thrown at us. With Bella here, though, the atmosphere seems to shift, and it feels strangely intimate.
Bella looks at me thoughtfully for a minute as she chews on a fry.
"Okay. Here's the deal. We said we'd get to know each other on a superficial level, yes?" I nod in agreement, but wait for her to continue. Bella sighs lightly before she continues. "Edward, listen, you can ask me anything you deem appropriate. As you would have figured out this morning, there are some things I'd rather not talk about. I could just lie, I know, but I don't want to. So, and this goes for you as well, I get to pass on any question that I don't feel I can answer superficially."
I consider Bella's condition for a moment. I'm actually encouraged by this suggestion. She's right; she could just lie and I'd accept it, not knowing any better. By 'passing', she's actually being honest, because she's allowing me to know which subjects are raw for her.
"That sounds fair."
Bella offers me her hand and we shake on it. She grabs her beer and takes a deep pull before she gives me an easy smile.
"Okay. Shoot."
"Uhh …" Where the fuck am I supposed to start? "Tell me about your family? Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Nah," Bella shakes her head. "My parents divorced before my first birthday. My Mom remarried about five years ago, but I don't think they plan on having kids. How about you? Any siblings?"
"I was a twin."
"Was?" Bella's eyes are soft as she tilts her head to regard me. Her concern touches me – it's easy to believe that she genuinely cares – and it enables me to hold her gaze as I speak.
"My sister, Elizabeth, died of SIDS when we were only a few weeks old."
"I'm sorry," Bella murmurs.
"It messed my Mom up for a long time."
"That's … that's just tragic. I can't even imagine, …" She shakes her head sadly. "It must have been so difficult for you, growing up with her absence."
I consider Bella thoughtfully, surprised by her astuteness and empathy.
"It's been hard to come to terms with. Obviously, I have absolutely no memory of Lizzy at all. But I've always known that I had a twin sister who died; my parents never tried to hide that from me. And, I guess, once I was old enough to understand, I felt … well, guilty for a long while. Just … I don't know … they tell me it's like survivor's guilt." I look away from Bella's sympathetic gaze, taking a deep breath and reminding myself once more that sometimes life is just unfair.
"That's understandable." Bella's voice is gentle and soothing.
"Next question." I press on.
"No, it's my turn," Bella insists, and I smile gratefully at her willingness to change the subject. "When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you were grown up?"
"Umm, when I was really little I wanted to be a firefighter, I think. Jazz, Emmett and I used to run around all summer, dragging the garden hose after us. Jazz's mom put a stop to it though when she caught us rescuing cats out of trees."
"How was that a bad thing?" Bella frowns.
"Well, in order for us to rescue the cats, they needed to get stuck first," I chuckle. "So, ah, we would put all the neighbors' cats up in the trees first, then practice rescuing them. Some of our neighbors weren't too impressed at the way we were treating their pets."
"That's almost cute." Bella snickers.
"Almost? We were adorable! After we got banned from being firefighters, I'm pretty sure I wanted to be a vet for a few years, and then I was certain I was going to be an OBGYN like my Dad." I wink and Bella rolls her eyes, snickering.
"You're such a perv!"
I shrug.
"I was an über-dork in high school. I figured it was the only way I'd get to see … I'm kidding, of course." I assure Bella as her eyes widen. "I wanted to be an obstetrician, actually."
"So, uh, why are you doing business instead of delivering babies –" Bella catches herself, her eyes widening.
I shake my head, letting her know she's wrong in the assumption I suspect she's making. "You know, my Dad had the same concerns when he heard I wanted to follow in his footsteps, and he explained to me that it would mean having to face the reality of miscarriage and stillbirth. It's something that he still struggles with, the constant reminder of the loss of his own daughter."
My cheeks flush as I continue to hold Bella's gaze. "But then, in my junior year, my aunt had a baby – her fifth, would you believe? And so, she let me come in and watch while she was in labor. I, uh, I fainted," I tell her, rubbing the back of my neck in embarrassment.
Bella regards me blankly for a few seconds before her trilling laughter fills my ears. My embarrassment matters not; I'd gladly humiliate myself over and over if it means hearing that sound bubble from her lips.
"So, yes, probably not the best career path for me. I suspect the guy delivering your baby fainting as it crowned would be mildly upsetting for most new mothers."
"Mildly," Bella agrees, between chuckles.
"So, what about you, Bella? Are you doing what you always planned to, or have you had to settle like me?"
"Well." Bella smiles. "I wanted to be a cop until I was about thirteen."
"Seriously?"
"Oh yeah. My Dad is on the force, and I always idolized him. I spent all my time as a kid playing cops and robbers; it drove my Mom crazy."
"What changed when you were thirteen?"
"I decided I wanted to sail around the world by myself."
"That's … different."
"I guess. My step-dad is a sailor, and the first time Mom introduced me to him as her new boyfriend, he took us sailing. It was amazing – something just clicked, and I felt like I'd found my home."
"At sea?"
Bella nods, her smile sad. "Well, not necessarily at sea, just, on the water. It's a little romantic, I suppose, but I just love the idea of the challenge of a solo circumnavigation. Months of being alone at sea, it seems like you'd return truly knowing yourself. And what you are capable of."
"You don't mind being alone …"
"No," Bella admits. "Neither do you."
I nod my head, acknowledging the truth of her observation, before I continue. "So how come you're not out being … I can't remember the chicks' names. There was the Aussie one, then the Dutch one, right?"
"Jessica Watson and Laura Dekker."
"Yeah, them," I nod. "How come you're sitting in a pub with me, and not, I dunno, in the Southern Ocean or something?"
Bella laughs, but it's half-hearted.
"The amount of money and preparation that goes into a campaign like that? It's just not feasible for me."
"You know you can sail on Lake Michigan, right? There are yacht clubs here."
"I know. Once the weather warms up again, I'm going to go check it out, maybe see if I can get a crewing position."
"Will you take me sailing one day?" It feels a little rude, and somewhat presumptuous, to ask her to take me, but somehow, the image of Bella steering a yacht is one I want to see with my own eyes.
"One day."
"My turn, okay?" Bella nods, and I contemplate my next question. "So, uh, what made you go to Europe by yourself?"
"Pass." Bella meets my eyes, and the pain in her gaze is almost tangible. My chest tightens uncomfortably and I hasten to nod my acceptance.
"Uh, is it okay to ask about what you did in Europe?"
"Yes."
"Okay, what was your favorite place?"
"Dubrovnik." Bella answers without a pause. "Croatia," she adds on seeing my blank look.
"Why?"
"Uh-uh, no way buddy, it's my turn to ask a question."
"Fine," I huff, rolling my eyes playfully.
"Okay, what –"
"MASEN! Hey! Where you been, man? I haven't seen you for months."
A huge hand clasps my shoulder, shaking it insistently, and I look up at the hulking form of one of my closest friends.
"Em, hey. How's it going?" I reach up to clasp his hand in greeting.
"Not too shabby, not too shabby. How about you, man? You've been off the radar for a while."
I glance at Bella and my answer dies on my lips as I watch her face whiten in abject fear. I'm puzzled by her reaction: Emmett's a big dude, for sure, and his sheer size can sometimes feel a little invasive. However, the eyebrow piercing and Che Guevara tee-shirt are mind-numbingly commonplace, and his waist length dreadlocks would probably seem a little more fearsome if he didn't have a rainbow-colored, woven headband keeping them off his face.
I'm about to ask Bella if she's okay when I realize she's not looking up at Emmett at all, but is rather staring beyond him at the dark-skinned girl who's approaching our table.
"Leah." Bella's whisper is barely audible, and her eyes widen in surprise as Emmett wraps his arm around Leah.
"Hi Edward." Leah's greeting is cool, as usual, and her eyes flick quickly to my companion. She too freezes, her dark eyes widening in surprise as she spots Bella.
"Bella? What? How do ..?" Leah shakes her head in bewilderment.
Before I can process what's going on, Bella is out of her seat, grabbing her bag and stuffing her arms back into her red coat.
"Edward, can we go, please? We have to go! Now!" Tears are starting to streak down Bella's face, and I quickly stand, throwing some cash on the table.
I look to Emmett, who looks as shocked as I feel, and Leah, whose bottom lip is trembling with constrained emotion.
"Bella, please …" Leah begs, her voice cracking.
Bella pauses, looking at Leah through her tears.
"I'm sorry, Lee. I'm not ready." She turns on her heel, making her way quickly toward the exit.
"I'll catch you later," I mutter to Emmett, hastening after Bella.
I catch her as she steps out of the pub on to the sidewalk, grabbing her hand and pulling her to face me. Thankfully, the rain stopped while we were eating.
"Bella?"
"I'll tell you, Edward. Please, just … not here, not now," she sobs, trying to pull away from my grip.
"Hey," I say gently. "Whenever you're ready." I pull her into my arms. She hesitates for a moment, before I feel her surrender, allowing me to hold her close. I rub her back carefully as her body shakes and heaves within the circle of my arms. After a few minutes, I realize she's not going to calm down any time soon, so I carefully tuck her under my arm and start walking us slowly toward the car.
Bella is still crying by the time I pull us into our driveway, though her wracking sobs have faded to quiet sniffles and gasps. As soon as we are inside, I help Bella into a seat at the kitchen table and set about brewing some tea.
"What's this?" Bella's voice is scratchy from crying.
"Rooibos."
"Roy-boss?"
"Yeah, it's a South African tea. No caffeine, so you'll be able to sleep."
"Thanks, Edward." Bella's delicate fingers wrap around the mug, as if seeking out the warmth of the ceramic. "I, uh, I'm so sorry about before. Fuck … my past has caught up with me twice in one day. I'm so sorry."
"Hey, it's really not a problem," I say, my voice firm, hoping she will trust the sincerity of my words. I feel badly for the distress she's been caused today, but I'm not going to be scared away by her past, however traumatic it may have been. Heaven knows I've got my own sad secrets.
"Listen, Bella." I take the seat beside her, my hands imitating hers. "You don't have to tell me anything, okay? If you're not ready, if you don't want to talk about it, I understand. We don't know each other very well yet, so please don't feel you owe me an explanation."
"Yet?" I can hear the hope in Bella's question.
"Yet," I affirm. "I want to be your friend, Bella. I don't know you well, but I'd like to."
Bella continues to stare at the hot red liquid in her mug, sniffling occasionally.
"Thank you," she finally rasps out. "I'd like that, too."
She falls silent for a few moments, before her soft voice demands my attention.
"I don't really want to talk about before, to be honest, but I'd rather you hear it from me. Uh, how long have you known Leah?"
"I guess it's got to be close to two years, I think." I shrug, scratching at my chin as I try to remember the details. "She and Emmett met not long after she moved here … She moved here from San Fran, also, didn't she?"
Bella nods briefly, sighing as she raises her eyes to meet mine.
"Yeah, I had no idea she'd moved out here … No one told me." Bella shakes her head, pursing her lips in irritation. "I'm guessing no one told me because I might not have come if I knew she was here too, and they wanted me to be move here so Garrett could babysit me."
Bella laughs bitterly at my look of surprise.
"I'm not stupid, I know that's why Mom suggested Chicago when I was thinking about New York. Hell, that's why I agreed to it. I'd have had to spend all my time dodging their phone calls if I'd moved somewhere where there was no family member that could report back to my parents." Bella's small smile is genuine as she waggles a finger at me. "And don't think I don't suspect Garrett asked you to keep an eye on me."
I make to apologize, but Bella waves it off, her lips twitching.
"It's fine, Edward. You haven't been overbearing or anything, but I know my family pretty well."
"I'm sorry," I mutter. While I can see that Bella's not upset, I do feel a little guilty. She is not, after all, a child.
"It's okay, really." She smiles, removing her hand from her mug and squeezing mine gently. Her little fingers are warm from cradling the ceramic. "It's better to have a family who cares too much, right?"
I smile at that, remembering how much Mom fussed when I first moved in with Garrett and started college.
"So, uh, you knew Leah back home?" I prompt.
"Uh, yeah … I, um, Leah's younger brother Seth was a good friend of mine, and uh, I dated his best friend for a long time."
Bella squeezes her eyes shut in pain. I remain silent, her hand clasped carefully in mine, waiting for her to continue.
"Jake and I dated all through high school," she whispers. Her cheeks are once again wet with tears and she brushes them away furiously. "He w-was my first boyfriend, my first everything. My first kiss, the first boy I slept with. The first boy, the only boy, I thought about forever with."
Bella sniffles, her shoulders sagging as she continues to speak.
"But Jacob was, well, he was really s-sick, and I … I never knew. He, uh, he died a few months after graduation."
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry." I squeeze Bella's hand again, overwhelmed by a feeling of utter impotence as I watch her dissolve into tears once more. I want to hold her, but I'm not sure whether she'll accept my embrace. Tentatively, I tug her toward me, guiding her out of her seat and on to my lap. As soon as she is in my arms, Bella is fisting my shirt desperately, her face buried in my chest as she sobs. The noises that escape her break my heart; the pain and suffering contained in each gasp and cry that rips from her throat is unbearable.
Bella's flight to Europe makes a lot of sense to me now; another piece in the puzzle falls into place. I feel shitty for my earlier assumption that she was a spoiled princess – I couldn't have been further from the truth. She was obviously running away from her grief, and who could blame her, really? A part of me is morbidly curious; I wonder what illness could have claimed Jacob's life, what illness he could have hidden from her so successfully. I will not ask, however. If Bella wants me to know, she will tell me.
My hand moves of it's own accord, rubbing Bella's back gently as she continues to weep. Part of me wants to offer her words of comfort; to tell her that time heals all wounds, to tell her that she will move on, to tell her that she will survive her grief. But I can't promise her that, so I stay silent, comforting her the only way I can – by simply ensuring that in this moment, she is not alone in her grief.
In the weeks that follow, Bella doesn't mention the disastrous end to our evening, so I take my cue from her and don't bring it up. I do, however, insist we make a tradition of going out for a beer once a week. I have a twofold reason for doing this; firstly, I want Bella to know she hasn't scared me off, and secondly, I genuinely enjoy Bella's company.
She's slowly opening up, letting her guard down around me, which makes me unaccountably happy. I feel a very peculiar sense of pride in knowing that Bella trusts me sufficiently to let me get to know her, that she doesn't feel the need to hide from me so much any more.
March 2009
Bella is looking decidedly uncomfortable as she shifts in her seat at the breakfast table. She has started to speak a number of times, before shaking her head and looking back down at the table. She's staring at the crossword, as usual, but I haven't seen her fill in even one answer.
"What's on your mind, Bella?" I finally ask, my curiosity over what has her so wound up getting the better of me. Bella starts, her golden-brown eyes briefly meeting mine before she looks away.
"Uh –" she pauses, before the words tumble out in a rush. "I was wondering if we have a policy on houseguests?"
I cock my head in confusion.
"What, like having friends stay over?"
"Um, no." Bella blushes scarlet. "More like, house guests of the opposite sex."
"Huh?" I frown, trying to figure out what she means. "Oh. Oh. Uh, yeah." I cough, feeling my cheeks color. I look at the table, mirroring Bella's refusal to make eye contact.
"We, uh, we usually just … Well, advanced warning helps, so we can … uh, clear out. But, yeah, if it's spontaneous, I don't know, just … shit … just, hang something off the doorknob or whatever."
Bella nods her understanding, her cheeks still slightly pink.
"I thought you didn't have a boyfriend, Bella."
"I don't," she mutters.
"Oh … But, there's a guy you're interested in, then?" I press on, curious.
"Nope."
I'm confused. If she's not interested in anyone, why is she asking about the house policy on booty calls?
"So, uh, why ..?"
"What, Edward? Do you think guys have the monopoly on one night stands?" she snaps. "Look, I'm planning on bringing someone home tonight, okay? I'm giving you some notice. I don't know who, but honestly, I don't really care." Bella's tone is hostile, defensive, as though she expects me to try to argue with her about her plans.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah. If that's what you want to do, I'm not going to stop you, okay? Just – just, be careful, alright?"
Bella rolls her eyes at me.
"It's none of your business, Dad, but um, I'm on the pill and I have condoms."
"That's not what I meant, Bella," I sigh. "I just meant in terms of who you choose to bring home. But, whatever – have fun."
"Oh." Bella blinks at me in surprise.
"Listen, Bella. Just … if you need me, you can call me at any time and I'll come straight home, okay? Any time at all."
"You're going out?"
"Well, yeah. I don't think you really want me around to witness whatever you're up to."
"Oh, right." Bella chews her lip anxiously, and I frown, trying to process her expression.
"Did you want me to stick around?" I ask, fighting the urge to cringe.
"No, no, it's fine," she mutters.
"Bella?"
"It's fine." The defensive tone in her voice is back, and though my brain tells me to leave it, I surprise myself by placing my hand over Bella's where it rests on the table.
"Do you want me to be here?" I ask gently.
"No, no. I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything …"
"Bella."
She sighs in defeat, warily returning her gaze to mine.
"It's just … it seemed it would be … easier … if I knew there was … someone here."
It all clicks into place for me abruptly. Bella is nervous. She knows what she's planning is somewhat risky – bringing home a virtual stranger – and she's right, she's safer if either Garrett or I are here if things don't go as she hopes.
"I'll be here, alright," I tell her, squeezing her hand gently. "All you have to do is shout."
Bella eyes meet mine, their gold-brown intense.
"Thank you," she whispers. It's heartfelt, honest. I don't understand why, but this is important to Bella, and she's genuinely grateful for the security I'm agreeing to provide her with.
"Anything for you, Bella," I promise.
As I gather my things for class, I have to ruthlessly quash the unexpected stab of jealousy I feel toward the faceless stranger Bella plans to bring home tonight. Perhaps I am afraid of what I will find, so I refuse to examine the cause of this unbidden anger, hoping, foolishly, that it will simply dissipate on it's own.
Thanks for reading, my lovelies. Please review, let me know what you think and say "Hi". I do so love hearing from you all.
Shell xx