A/N: I am so sorry that I left you all in such suspense for so long! I actually am, 'cause I'm like, the slowest writer in the world. I'm hoping the wait was worth it though! :) Thank you to all who have reviewed and favourited so far, your reactions make me smile and laugh because yes! Emotional trauma! And don't forget to keep reviewing please! :) Soo... it may not speed up the writing process, but it sure does keep me motivated to write on more than a weekly basis! But at the same time, I am busy at school currently, so there's that too.
Also important to note; I'm not a doctor. So if anything medical sounds like bullshit, it is. Just roll with it, kay? XD Happy reading!
It was on the second day of May at 4:19PM that the sirens pierced the air, their wails echoing the soundless screams which choked in Sarah's throat. Broken words poured from trembling lips, her mind flashing in and out of the past.
"Stay with me baby.. please..."
"Cosima... Cos, please... you can't.. please... don't go.. I'm here, yeah? Right here. Even if we fight... here. I'm sorry... please..."
"Ma'am, excuse me, you need to let go," a strained voice said, pressure on her arm pulling her out of her shock and onset of grief.
"No.. no! Cos, please... please," she begged as a surprisingly strong pair of hands pried her fingers away from Cosima's arm and all she was left holding was Cosima's red jacket. Arms pushed her back then and Cosima's battered and bent body was lifted higher, then lower, onto a rolling stretcher. "That's my sister!" she screamed as she rushed to keep up with the team that was carting the dreadlocked woman into emergency.
"This is as far as you can go."
And once again, Sarah was trapped on the other side of a set of glass sliding doors and a red curtain that reminded her all too much of Cosima's red jacket that she held in stiff fingers. And of blood. So much blood... But she had to be strong. For Cosima. She couldn't fall apart in the waiting room. She just couldn't.
"She's going to be okay Sarah," Felix's voice said from behind her, wrapping his sister in his arms as Sarah beat her fists weakly against the glass, Cosima's condition uncertain behind that bloody curtain.
"You didn't see... she just.. oh god, Fee... I..," Sarah found herself gasping, clinging to his forearms now, seeing nothing but red. Blood and red. "She just... fell...," she explained pathetically, that simple word doing nothing to describe the horror of the sound of cracking bones and the barest of exhales that escaped Cosima's lips as she lay on the landing, broken.
"She'll be okay Sarah," he assured again softly, kissing her temple and pulling her closer.
"I need to be in there, I need to be in there with her Fee!" Sarah tugged at his arms, barely controlling the jerking motion of her hands as she glared at her reflection and only seeing her face, which angered her that much more. How was it fair that one version of her face could be alive and blinking and, god, breathing, while the another was laying prone, heart barely beating, pulse dropping her within an inch of her life each time?
"You can't go in Sarah. You can't," he told her, trying to rationalize with his sister's heart, as he had to do many times before in their years spent living under the same childhood roof. "The doctor's are doing their best right now. There's nothing you can do for her, Sarah. Come on," he instructed her gently as he guided her to the waiting area.
"I'm sorry Cos," Sarah choked out, reaching out and touching the glass, her fingers trailing down the smooth surface as Felix forced her to look away. "I'm so sorry.. please...," she begged the open air, stumbling into a chair with her brother's guidance, her pleas muffled then by her hands as she buried her face there.
A voice echoed through the fog that blanketed Cosima's mind.
I'm sorry... please...
She blinked her eyes once, twice and wiggled her toes before checking her surroundings. "Why are you crying, Sarah?" she questioned, her voice as chipper as ever. "Don't.. c'mon! Look at me, I'm... christ," she stopped herself as she looked at Sarah once again. "You... Jesus..."
Sarah was there, sure, bent over her prone form as she clutched her arm and was obviously crying desperately. Despite the clear despair painted on Sarah's features, the world around Cosima was silent, its colours muted as lights streaked past through the back window. Cosima noted all these details rather remotely as she took in the being that was Sarah.
Because Sarah wasn't exactly... well, human, anymore. Surrounding her was a faint glow that steadily became stronger the longer Cosima looked on. And not only did it become stronger, but it seemed to be slowly drifting into a shape, condensing into something.. solid. As Cosima watched, that solid, bright light fell into the form of wings, each one arching up and over, extending past her shoulders.
Jesus was right, she thought as she gazed at the ethereal light that shone from Sarah's wings. "Look at you," she muttered to herself, knowing full well that Sarah couldn't hear her, not while she was having this... out of body experience. "You're... you're an angel," she whispered, trying to reach out and touch her, to touch her wings before she blinked and they went away.
But then Sarah was gone. Just like that, with the slamming of sliding glass doors and a heart shattering cry of "No.. no!" Cosima watched as they pulled red curtains across the glass, dousing Sarah's ethereal light and with it, the vestiges of Cosima's awareness.
"Sarah...," Felix said, his voice cautious, as if he knew that his next words wouldn't be received well at all. "You have to call her, you know."
She rolled her shoulders and stretched, arching her back, stars blinking across her vision as she glanced over at Felix. "Who are you- no. Fee, I wont. She made the decision to stay behind when Cosima wanted to come back here, she doesn't-"
"She deserves to know, Sarah," Felix cut across her sharply. Sarah just folded her arms at this and leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic chair, a scowl forming on her face. "Besides, I don't think she decided anything, actually. I believe Cosima just left without saying anything to Delphine."
"Whatever," Sarah snapped, looking away from his probing eyes, trying to look anywhere but him or that stupid red curtain.
"Cosima would want her to be here, I know that," Felix explained, "Her girlfriend-"
Sarah let out a derisive snort at that.
Felix rolled his eyes and put a hand up, "Sarah, you know that that's what those two are. Neither of them has bloody said it, but you can totally tell that they've ended up shagging."
Sarah finally relented and went to retrieve Cosima's phone that had been left in her coat pocket, which had been in Sarah's care ever since they climbed into the ambulance due to it being a hindrance the emergency crew and their equipment. Waving it front of Felix's face with a sarcastic expression on her own, she scrolled through Cosima's few contacts and dialled Delphine with a sigh.
"Cosima?" Delphine answered on the first ring, her voice anxious and excited all at once. "I have been trying to call-"
"Yeah, hi," Sarah cut in, trying to keep the conversation brief and to the point. Sarah couldn't stand her in the best of circumstances but Cosima trusted her so she supposed that that would have to be good enough for now. And realizing that the French woman was her biggest rival, in a manner of speaking, just made things that much worse. Not that Frenchie even knows about Cosima and I that is..., Sarah thought as she steeled herself to continue the conversation, If there even is any Cosima and I.
The line froze up for a few moments and Sarah half hoped that the other woman had hung up. Then she spoke again, "Sarah?" she asked, her voice strained. Before she could even get a word in edgewise, Delphine continued, her words spinning a frantic explanation, "You have to believe me when I say that I didn't tell Leekie anything about your daughter, it was just the other names that Cosima had written down, I would never-"
"Delphine, just... stop, yeah?" Sarah cut in finally, shutting her eyes for a moment, "I don't want to hear it right now, alright?"
"Yes, of course, I'm sorry," the other woman answered quickly before silence finally reigned on the other end even though Sarah could tell that she wanted to say more.
Sarah nodded once to instill courage in herself, her throat closing up as her panic returned. Almost involuntarily, she glanced over at the red curtain, could almost see the silhouettes of the doctors and nurses moving around behind it.
"Sarah...," Delphine said slowly, trepidation entering her voice now. "Why have you called me? Is.. something wrong? With Cosima?"
After letting out a breath, she allowed herself to answer, as bluntly as she could without breaking, "She's in the hospital."
The screech on the other end of the line was almost inhuman and Sarah was forced to pull the phone away from her ear at its volume. "Is she okay?!" were the first words out of Delphine's mouth that were actually comprehensible. "What happened to her? Why were you not looking out for her?!"
Well, Sarah was going to answer her reasonably. She was going to try to deal with the woman that broke Cosima's heart rationally... but that was before Delphine asked that last question. "Excuse me?" Sarah snapped back, completely ready to tear into her now for even insinuating that Sarah couldn't protect Cosima. "Oi!" she exclaimed, her tone drawing a glance from Felix, causing him to make his way over to Sarah with a long-suffering sigh. "If you think that I can't protect her and be there for her then why did she leave you to come to Canada to be with me? So obviously you can't-"
"I'll take that, hun, thank you," Felix said as he smoothly snatched the phone from Sarah's slowly reddening ears and carrying on the conversation as Sarah walked away, unable to bear to listen anymore.
"I can protect you," she muttered as she found herself standing in front of those horrid red curtains once more, feeling some kind of inexplicable warmth in the air around her. "That's what you wanted, yeah? But I guess I've done a shite job of it... I mean, I can't even be in there with you right now and I... you probably need me because that's what you flew down for, isn't it? And I've done nothing but fought with you and let you down ever since you got here. Delphine is probably better for you anyways... I mean, she bloody understands why you get so excited about science and all I can bloody do is sit there and smile as your hands go all crazy. And now you're just... laying there and I can't protect you. But I wish I could Cos. I wish I could..."
Cosima was standing right beside Sarah as the other woman talked, her face agonized. She couldn't hear the words that came from her lips, but she could see the way that they quivered and the way that her eyes glistened and she knew just by looking at Sarah's eyes that she was scared and hurting. "It's going to be alright Sarah," she tried telling the other woman, even though she knew that she wouldn't be heard. "You don't need to worry," she whispered, a smile tugging one corner of her mouth upwards as she stepped forward and tried to hug the other woman, her arms just passing through her body instead. "I'm going to be alright, promise," she assured once more, hoping that Sarah might be able to feel the breath of air that escaped from her lungs or feel her presence beside her. Anything to let her know that she was nearby and that she was okay. That she would recover, and soon. Cosima had seen the charts and the scans that the doctors had up and she knew the bare minimum about medicine to understand that her body and heart were stable.
Felix came up to Sarah then, holding Cosima's phone in his hand, of all things. What's he doing with my phone? Cosima watched as he started talking to his foster sister, noting the way that Sarah refused to face him, but the harsh look on her face proved that she was listening to his words and wasn't happy about them. Cosima wasn't an expert lip-reader, but she tried her best as Felix continued on, Sarah's frown only growing more pronounced as he apparently tried to reason with her.
But her focus was yanked away from the sibling pair by an abrupt jolt within her being. What was that? Cosima thought, her mind spinning as everything in her essence felt to be pulled through a very tight tube. Another jolt, manifesting in where her stomach would be if she weren't currently floating around in this out-of-body state, yanked within her. One more quickly followed, a tug of energy reverberating through her form, drawing closer to the place her heart would be situated.
All at once a loud, commanding voice filled Cosima's ears. Before she registered the fact that she could hear once again, something she hadn't been able to do since she started having these experiences, the authoritative voice called out again. "Clear!" it directed and Cosima was blinded by a cloak of white before it disappeared abruptly, leaving a single impression of Sarah's wings before the sight faded entirely. As her vision faded, she suddenly had the sense of being heavy, like she had been living on the moon for five years and was only now returning to earth.
She turned to her side, hardly realizing that the sight of Sarah and Felix had disappeared before her vision, and coughed weakly at her efforts. "We've got her," that same voice said, though it was much softer.
She blinked her eyes once, twice and tried to wiggle her toes against the fabric of the sheets that covered her, but found that even that that simple movement drained her of any energy she had left. "You're safe now, alright?" the doctor said, because he clearly must've seen the way her eyes bounced back and forth around her surroundings. "Your sister is outside, she's been waiting for you."
"She's getting on the next plane Sarah. She's coming here in a couple hours," Felix explained, his voice matter of fact, leaving no room for argument or discussion.
Sarah didn't look at him, more concerned with what could have been happening on the other side of that curtain. But at the mention of Delphine's imminent arrival, she couldn't help but frown. "You're going to have to get used to her being around," Felix continued when Sarah said nothing. "I don't care what's been happening between you and Cosima, but-"
"There's nothing happening between her and I!" Sarah exclaimed suddenly, turning from her reflection to face her brother finally. Felix just stared at her. "Leave it, Fee," she replied, fighting the blush that threatened to crawl up her neck. "Cosima and I are bloody clones, yeah? You know how bloody weird that is?" she finished after glancing around herself to see if anyone was nearby.
"Honestly, if any of you lot were to be alright with it, it would be Cosima, really, if you think about it. She would probably see it as a scientific marvel or some other bloody-"
"Clear!" a muffled voice commanded from the other side of the glass. Sarah's heart stopped as she whipped around to stare at that bloody curtain, more anxious than ever to see, to know. "She's... we're losing her!" the voice carried on and Sarah's face went pale as she felt her whole body start to shake.
"Cosima!" she screamed, finding herself fighting Felix's instinctive hold once again. "Cos! Please, Cos, please let me, I just-!"
"Clear!" it commanded again.
"Let me go!" Sarah struggled, her words falling hoarse as she continued to plead incoherently. "I need... let me... I just need to see her, please! Don't... no... she can't, please!"
"Sarah! Sarah, please," Felix tried comforting her gently, whispering vague, meaningless words in her ear as his foster sister fell limp and heavy into his arms. But even though she had stopped struggling, she couldn't be consoled. She had only stopped fighting because the back of her mind was whispering that she had nothing left to fight for. That her only reason for continuing to scream and cry had just flat-lined on the other side of that bloody curtain.
"Fee... is.. is she..," Sarah trailed off brokenly, hearing nothing past the glass that indicated anything either way.
"Sarah, I-" Felix began heavily when the curtains pushed back and the door slid open.
"Sarah Manning?" the doctor asked.
"Yes?" she replied even as she craned her neck to get a better view past the man, trying to see, to confirm with her eyes whatever he was about to say to her.
"I'm... so sorry," he said heavily, his words dark with grief.
Sarah's reaction was instant and violent. "No! You asshole, no!" she screamed at him, grabbing him by the lapels of his jacket, shoving her face right next to his, snarling, "You're supposed to save her, that's your job, piece of shite! Why didn't you save her, couldn't you fucking do bloody anything?! You needed to-"
"Sarah! Shit, just chill, alright?" a voice called from within the room and Sarah froze. "That was supposed to be funnier," the voice muttered, sounding slightly disappointed as it carried on.
Shoving the doctor back, Sarah turned in disbelief to see Cosima smiling sheepishly up from her position where she was propped in bed, one hand darting out from underneath the sheets to wave. "Hi," she grinned weakly.
"You asshole!" Sarah snapped, taking a step towards her, emotions crashing over her in a wave. "You... you made me think you were dead!" she finally managed, rushing across the room, tears clouding her eyes.
"Technically I didn't do it. The doctor was the one who-" Cosima began, pointing at the man who was now being berated by Felix about professionalism.
"Cos," Sarah stated, staring at her, her features conflicted.
"Um, yes?" she replied quietly, her eyes finding Sarah's, watching for an indication as to what her reaction would be.
Sarah said nothing, just yanked Cosima upright, pulling her face towards her for a quick, intense kiss. "You asshole," she repeated when had she pulled away, sobbing now as Cosima fell back onto the bed, stunned after Sarah's sudden release. "You bloody bitch," she continued on, burying her face into Cosima's shoulder, her shoulders shaking as she hit Cosima with a weak fist. "What the bloody hell were you thinking, joking like that... making me think... how dare you Cosima Niehaus!" she finished, landing a solid hit on her chest as she finally pulled her face from Cosima's shoulder.
"Sorry," Cosima said, her sheepish grin fading as she looked at Sarah's blotchy face before taking in the rest of her appearance, noting the dried blood staining her knees and her middle. Cosima suddenly pictured Sarah kneeling in her blood, cradling her broken body gently in her arms, sobbing as she waited for help to arrive. She really cares, she realized, the image burned into the back of her mind.
"Promise me you'll never do that again, yeah?" Sarah pleaded, taking Cosima's hand in her own, tangling their fingers together.
"What, you mean die? Because technically I never actually-" Cosima began, hoping that her jokes would lighten the situation. But one look from Sarah told her that she had gone way too far, so she froze. "I promise," she whispered, feeling her lungs begin to seize up, immediately forcing her to wish that she hadn't just uttered those two words. How could she promise not to die?
"Excuse me," the doctor said from behind them, causing Sarah to jump and scrub away the weakness that stained her cheeks. "But Miss Niehaus will be needing her rest. We have a few more tests to run on her and-"
"Tests?" Sarah asked, narrowing her eyes at the doctor, who, despite his attempt to stay professional, couldn't help but toss a glare back at her. Apparently he hadn't appreciated the previous manhandling.
"Yes," he replied curtly, "Just routine, to make sure her system is on its way to recovery. Nothing to worry about, but we will need the space to work. So if you'll excuse us, Miss Manning, the visiting hours are now over."
"What if I want her to stay?" Cosima piped up from her place on the bed, looking between Sarah and the doctor, her face so damn innocent. But underneath that, Sarah caught a hint of fear. The idea of being tested clearly freaked her out as much as it disturbed Sarah. And she did not want to be alone in that process.
He pursed his lips as Felix tapped his foot behind him, clearing his throat pointedly. Then the doctor nodded tersely, pointing over to a straight-backed chair in the corner of the room. "You can sit in that chair while we run our tests and only that chair, understand?" he finally said as he snapped on a pair of surgical gloves. "Now, I will be back in a few minutes and then I will begin the tests. I want everyone else gone by the time I return," he ordered before pushing his way out past the glass doors.
"You've got him wrapped around your little finger, don't you Fee?" Sarah smirked as she sunk onto the edge of Cosima's bed in the meantime.
"A boy has his ways," he smirked before bending over and kissing Sarah on the forehead. "Now, no funny business while I'm gone, yeah?"
"What does he mean by funny business?" Cosima asked when he had swished his way out of the room. But there was a smile playing around her lips at the tail end of her words, as if she knew exactly what Felix meant.
"Delphine's coming in a few hours," Sarah said after a long while, trying her best to ignore Cosima's insinuations. She held her phone out to her, displaying Delphine's most recent text about her flight information.
"Oh," Cosima replied, barely glancing at the screen, feeling something heavy settle in her stomach. She tried to think of something else to say, but at that exact moment the doctor returned with all of his instruments and began to prepare. "You'll stay with me?" she asked quickly as Sarah was instructed once again to sit in that wooden chair, and only that wooden chair.
"I'll never leave," she replied with a reassuring smile, squeezing her hand before retreating to the chair, keeping their hands linked for as long as she could until she was forced to let go. "I'll be right here when it's over, alright?"
"Thanks," Cosima smiled back, then turned her attention to the doctor, who was addressing her.
"Okay, we'll begin," he told her as he slipped an IV into her arm and told her to relax. Sarah couldn't help but look away as the IV bag dripped some clear serum into her veins and Cosima's eyes dropped shut, her chest rising and falling evenly as the doctor went about his work.
Delphine arrived while Sarah and Cosima were still within the confines of the emergency room. "How is she?" she asked Felix fretfully as they stood outside, finding themselves once again looking at a red curtain, wondering what was happening on the other side. With Sarah occupied in the emergency room, Felix had been the one updating Delphine via text of Cosima's condition, the last report being that Cosima had woken up and was being run through standard procedure testing.
"She seems to be doing alright," he replied, folding his arms as he looked over Delphine's shoulder while he talked, "But you need to have a talk with your girlfriend about what kinds of jokes are appropriate while she's in the emergency room of a hospital."
"She is cheeky, that one," Delphine murmured as she shifted uncomfortably beside Sarah's foster brother.
"Sarah's not happy you're here," he snarked then tagged on after a moment of consideration, "Neither am I, come to think of it."
"Then why did Sarah call me? She could have easily left me uniformed," Delphine wondered, glancing sideways at the man.
Felix laughed in disbelief and scorn, waving a hand through the air. "Believe me, she wanted to."
"So why-?"
"Because it's Cosima in the hospital," he overrode her, rolling his eyes as if it were obvious. "And for whatever idiot reason in that supposed genius brain of hers, she cares about you. And Sarah knows that. So here you are."
Delphine opened her mouth to say more, pushing her hand through her hair in her confusion, when the curtains were tugged back and the doors were opened. "You can come in now Felix, the tests-" Sarah began, then stopped short when she saw Delphine standing with him. "Oh. You made it then," she said flatly, folding her arms in disapproval.
"Cosima," Delphine wondered hesitantly, "Is she-?"
"Yeah, yeah," Sarah said, sounding weighted as she gestured vaguely into the room behind her, "You can go in, I suppose."
"Thank you," she told the other woman, offering an uncertain smile, which Sarah didn't return as she pushed past the taller woman out into the lobby.
"And remember," Sarah said, her voice hard as she pulled Delphine to a stop by grabbing her arm, "You're only here 'cause Cos wants you here. As soon as you do something to fuck her over, you're gone. Got that Frenchie?"
Delphine nodded with a visible nervous swallow, feeling cowed and tiny despite the extra height she had on the punk woman. "Of course," she replied shakily and only then did Sarah let her go with a rough jerk of her hand.
"Alright, that might have been a tad dramatic hon," Felix told Sarah as Delphine walked further into the emergency room.
"I don't bloody care. She needs-" Delphine heard Sarah answer, only for the rest of her words to be cut off as the door was shut behind her.
The first emotion that Delphine felt as she saw Cosima lying there, magazine propped open with a delicate hand, was relief. "Cosima!" she exclaimed, covering the last few feet in long strides. "You are alright!" she sighed, relief flowing over as she reached for the other woman without stopping to think, covering her cast with gentle hands. "With Sarah's call I assumed the worst, but she didn't give me very many details over the phone. So, of course I came as quickly as I could... mon Dieu, I am so glad you are safe cherie, Sarah had me so worried-"
"Delphine," Cosima flicked her fingers gently within Delphine's grasp, laughing. As she continued, she made a note of her place in the magazine and set it down on her beside table. "Relax, alright? I'm right here, I'm safe, like you said, and I'm recovering. So you can stop worrying."
"You are right, of course," Delphine murmured, bringing Cosima's hand up to her lips, mindful of the scratchy plaster, her words ghosting across her skin.
Cosima found herself enjoying the sensations shivering across her skin, closing her eyes to their influence. In that moment of darkness however, she saw an image of Sarah bent over her still body on the landing. Sarah crying, Sarah cradling Cosima's body against her own. Sarah trying to stay with the emergency response team as they wheeled her into the operation wing. Sarah being held by Felix as she stood helplessly outside the room, her view blocked by that bloody curtain. Sarah. Crying.
And suddenly, Delphine's lips against her skin sent betrayal crawling down her spine. "What is it, cherie?" Delphine asked at Cosima's sudden shiver.
"Nothing," she replied, keeping her voice under control as she dropped her arm back onto the bed with a dull thump, her fingers swirling patterns across the sheets, Delphine's hand resting gently on top of hers. "I'm just tired. My body's gotta heal."
At Cosima's statement, Delphine hesitated. "Your injuries... they are quite bad, non?"
"Not as bad as they look," Cosima shook her head gently, "I mean, I know how it must've seemed from the state of Sarah's clothes, but really, that was just surface wounds. Once they cleaned me up the report was basically a couple of fractured ribs, a mild concussion and a broken wrist. It could've been a lot worse, really."
"It's bad enough," Delphine said gently, reaching out to touch Cosima's bruised face softly.
"Delphine, don't," Cosima muttered, pulling her face away from Delphine's outstretched hand minutely.
"Cherie...," she said softly, dropping her hand back to her lap in disappointment, "We must talk... our last phone call, you seemed.. distressed, non? Upset?"
"No, no," Cosima waved her unencumbered hand airily, "I was just distracted, that's all. When you called, Sarah... was trying to talk to me at the same time. It's fine, really."
"You were upset when I asked you to come home," Delphine stated bluntly, and Cosima froze, withdrawing her encased hand from within Delphine's grip. "To leave Canada to... be with me. C'est vrai?"
Yes, she wanted to tell the other woman, Of course I was upset! You were implying that I had a home with you but I don't even know what home looks like! But instead she just shrugged, gesturing vaguely with one hand. "No," she shook her head noncommittally, "Not really. I was just in the middle of a conversation with Sarah when you called, that's all. Nothing to be upset about."
"Cosima," Delphine pleaded earnestly, taking her hand once more, pulling it close to her chest, "Please, do not hide from me. Have I not been proving that I am on your side? These past month after you first told me about your sickness, has it not been made clear to you that I am doing as much as I can for you?"
"Delphine I...," Cosima winced and tried to piece her thoughts together. Everything she said was true. She had been faithful in her research and respectful in her boundaries. It was all true. So why did it seem so wrong? "I said before that there's lots happening, alright, I-"
"But not with us," she cut in gently, sadness crossing her expression.
"I just- what?" Cosima stopped herself, staring at the other woman intently. "What.. what do you mean?"
"We seem to be at a... stand still, non? We've been together, researching something to cure you, but we haven't.. je ne sais pas, talked about our relationship?" she explained slowly.
"I guess it's just...," Cosima tried to reply, but ended up trailing off pathetically.
"Where do we belong, Cosima?" she pressed, squeezing her hand carefully. "Are we together?"
Cosima yearned to say yes. She craved the idea of a relationship with Delphine, her perfect match in her love for science, her intelligence, her everything. But she just couldn't get the kisses she shared with Sarah out of her head. There was something intense and wild and slightly feral about the way that Sarah approached emotion. When she loved, you could see it in her eyes, in her very body language. Delphine, on the other hand, was predictable. Not that that's a bad thing, Cosima thought as she considered the gorgeous French woman before her, But it means missing out on things.
"Cherie..?" Delphine asked slowly, biting her lower lip in worry. "Where do you disappear to inside your head?"
"I... nowhere, Delphine. It doesn't matter," she said quietly, trying to sort out the different emotions that crowded out her heart.
"Sarah, quit pacing," Felix snapped as she passed by him for the nineteenth time.
"She's been in there bloody long enough," Sarah growled by way of response, shoving her hands further into her pockets as she cranked around on her heel and started towards him again.
"Stop," he demanded, throwing his arm out and catching her by the elbow, causing her to jerk forward perilously. "Now," he said when he had most of her attention, "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, Fee," she sighed in exasperation, yanking her elbow away with a jerk of her shoulder.
He just folded his arms in response. "So you're completely fine with the fact that Delphine is in there, right now, chatting up her girlf-"
"Yes!" Sarah exclaimed, cutting him off before he could finish the word. "I'm completely fine with it!"
"Right," he said slowly, his eyebrow quirking upward in disbelief. "So you're not jealous or anything like that?"
"No," she replied quickly, "I just don't trust her to be alone with Cosima for long."
"And it's got nothing to do with the fact that you two have been shagging in my bed?" he asked, purposefully stretching the truth in the hopes that Sarah would give something up.
And she did. "Sha- wha? Fee, we've not been shag.. that's bloody... no! I mean, we've kissed but I- bloody shite," she blustered, covering her face with her hand, "We haven't kissed either," she protested weakly, "There's nothing going on between Cos and I, alright? Bloody shite."
"Right, because kisses mean nothing, Sarah," he laughed derisively.
"They can," she snapped right back.
"Did they?" Felix replied just as quickly, smirking slightly when he realized that he had Sarah backed into a corner.
"Yeah," she answered forcefully.
"Yeah they meant something?" Felix asked cheekily, grinning up at his foster sister triumphantly.
"Bloody shite Fee," she sighed, defeated as she sank down onto the chair beside him, running her hand through her hair.
"Why don't you just admit it Sarah?" he asked her seriously.
"Admit what? That I lo... that she actually means something to me?" Sarah replied wearily, catching herself nervously on that declaration. "I can't, Fee," she carried on, slumping back in the chair, her hands dangling in the open space between her thighs.
"And why not?" he insisted, turning slightly in his chair to look at her more fully. "Sarah, if you-"
"Because she's obviously in love with Delphine, Felix! Not me, okay?" she snapped, throwing her arm over towards the gap in the curtain, where Delphine and Cosima were framed in red. "Look at how they're sitting, yeah? Cos can't keep her eyes off that bloody woman, she's bloody gorgeous, alright? They're a perfect match, so what if we've kissed something like three times, they've bloody shagged, yeah? Maybe it's true, maybe I was a bloody experiment to her..."
Cosima had only a few moments to herself after Delphine left before Sarah burst into the room trying, and failing, to look relaxed and at ease. "What's the problem?" Cosima asked, watching Sarah's attempt at nonchalance as she shoved her hands in her pockets while she stood by her bed.
"Nothing," Sarah shrugged as she forcibly reminded herself that there couldn't be anything between her and Cosima because of Delphine. They were friends for chrissake. Sisters. Bloody clones. The very idea that Sarah was even considering the idea of her and Cosima was absolutely absurd. Stupid. Wonderful.
"Yeah, because that totes sounded like nothing, Sarah," Cosima scoffed right back. "Seriously. Sit," she commanded, watching Sarah stiffen for a moment at the order before sinking into the plastic chair by the bed. "Now. What?"
Sarah closed her eyes and fought for a moment, her jaw working and her lips snarling. Finally, her eyes flew open and, in the same moment, her words came out in a rush, "I don't like Delphine being here, Cos, I bloody don't."
"And why's that?" Cosima asked, hoping that Sarah's reaction wouldn't lend itself to jealousy or... love. Or, well.. maybe she was hoping. After talking face to face with Delphine for the first time since arriving to stay with Sarah, she wasn't sure what she was hoping anymore.
So she watched closely, studying Sarah's every expression and nervous tic; the same way she would study a specimen underneath her microscope. Not that Sarah's an experiment or anything, she thought quietly to herself, She's just... fascinating.
"Doesn't matter," she said gruffly, clearing her throat as she shifted in her chair, rubbing her palms on her thighs. "She's with DYAD, Cos. That's all."
"Sarah," Cosima started in frustration, "She's been working with me ages ever since I told her about being sick, alright, she's totes-" But suddenly she cut herself off, her gaze focusing just past Sarah's head instead. "I can see them again," she breathed in soft wonder.
Sarah looked behind herself instinctively, preparing to fight off whatever threat may have appeared there. But no one else was in the room with them. "What is it Cos?" she asked as she looked back at the other woman, her voice hitching with something that Cosima couldn't place. Fear? "What's the matter?" she finished, shifting closer.
Cosima didn't answer, just reached slowly to a point behind Sarah's shoulder, her fingers extending shakily, moving over the empty air above her shoulder. "Uh, Cos?" Sarah asked, watching the way her face morphed into awe. "What... are you doing?"
"Wings, Sarah," she said in quiet wonder as she continued to move her hand through the air.
"What?" Sarah asked, nonplussed, though her mouth tightened ever so slightly over the word. Cosima, enraptured by the glow and texture of the vision before her, didn't notice however, barely aware of Sarah's question.
"You have wings," she murmured as her hand went on, her fingertips tracing a path past her arm, down to her elbow before dropping back onto the bed.
Sarah went deadly silent for a moment, her face hardening as if it were made from stone, marred only by the abrupt downturn of her mouth. "Not funny, Cos," she spoke through gritted teeth, her sneer more pronounced as she jerked her shoulder, as if in an apparent attempt to shake away whatever Cosima was seeing. "Don't ever bloody talk about things like that again, yeah?"
Cosima, being as inquisitive as always, couldn't help herself, despite Sarah's obvious warning. "Why?" she asked quickly.
Sarah shut her eyes and shook her head, appearing to be made up in her decision about answering. There was a beat of breath before she jerked her head once more, her lip curling as she spat, "Helena."
Cosima pulled back on the bed slightly, surprised. Whatever answer she had been expecting, it clearly wasn't that one. "Uh... what does she have to do with anything Sarah?"
"Doesn't matter," she repeated, this time with more vehemence.
"But Sarah... you... you have wings. Seriously!" Cosima exclaimed, excitement taking over when she realized that she wasn't going to get anything else out of Sarah, her gaze shifting again past her shoulders. "I saw them when I was in the ambulance and then again when I saw you outside the operating room behind the red curtain and they were glowing and real and-"
"Wait, whoa, slow down. You what? You saw me? Outside? A couple hours ago?" Sarah sat back, taking in Cosima's form that was half covered by the hospital sheet, her uninjured hand high in the air as she was describing the wings with sweeping motions.
"Oh yeah," Cosima continued, as if it were no big deal, "I mean, I've totally heard of out of body experiences before, but, like, I never thought that I would experience one myself, you know and like I wondered why you couldn't hear me at first, like I was fine and it was totally awesome, but then-"
"Cos! Stop for a bloody minute, would you?" Sarah sighed, exasperated as she settled her arms back onto her thighs, resuming her hunched posture. "It's a little overwhelming, yeah?"
"I- sorry," she smiled sheepishly, lowering her hand once more. "It's just totes exciting!" she exclaimed, her smile brightening, teeth flashing. "I mean, you could be like, an angel, or something totally awesome like that!"
"Too screwed up to be an angel," Sarah scoffed, "But, whatever you say Cos," she finished, ending up with a smile on her face too, the infection of Cosima's energy spreading. "It is kinda weird though. I mean, you were watching me? And... I had.. wings?"
"Have," Cosima corrected quickly, her hand jumping once more to the space above her shoulder, prodding the air for a second before pulling her hand back and resting it on Sarah's shoulder. "You have wings," she said quietly, her demeanour completely changing as her hand settled higher, moving towards her face, her eyes no longer on the anomaly, but rather on Sarah. I can still see them, she thought, but didn't say, caught somehow by the person before her. "And I was standing right beside you," she added even more quietly, her hand now cupping her face without either of them knowing how it happened to be there.
"Could.. could you hear me?" Sarah asked, her voice wavering only the slightest bit at Cosima's touch and her words. She fought the instinct to close her eyes. She fought the voices in her head that told her that she was enjoying this thing, Cosima's touch. She fought the rush of her heart, trying desperately to cling to anything else. Anything other than Cosima, and the feelings that she evoked. "What I said? While you were... beside me?"
Cosima just shook her head, mumbled quietly, "No. I mean, I could see your face and you looked really upset and I tried to tell you that everything would be okay but you couldn't hear me and I wanted you to hear me and...," she trailed off, the passionate lilt of her words replaced by something akin to gentle wonder as she continued to gaze at Sarah.
"I thought I could feel you," Sarah murmured back, her voice just as soft.
"Really? 'Cause, like, I was just testing, more like hoping really. I wanted you to know that I was okay and I wanted you to feel me, there, with you, you know?" Cosima explained, her words stilted with passion again, but her timbre was still low. Desirable, Sarah thought as she finally allowed herself to feel the heat from Cosima's delicate fingers.
"I can feel you now though," she breathed, covering Cosima's hand with her own, leaning into the touch and pressing into the feeling.
"And.. how do I feel?" Cosima asked, looking more intently at Sarah, her eyes burning with her heart's desire to know.
Sarah breathed in for a moment, feeling the way that Cosima was almost unconsciously stroking her thumb across her cheek and dying from that simple motion. "You feel...," she began slowly, the corners of her lips quirking upward on their own accord. "You feel like I finally found a home."