Mental Strength
She had to stay strong, if not for herself than for Jane; Maura closed her eyes and took a deep breath trying to calm herself frustrated as her hands continued to tremble against her will as she breathed in and out. -Damn it- Maura had never been able to conceal her internal feelings making it so her face revealed exactly what she felt on the inside. Jane was already in a state of panic and Maura freaking out even more than she already was would push Jane over the edge but no matter how hard she tried Maura knew she wasn't making things any easier. Tears streamed down Maura's face as her whole body trembled in fear causing her to jump at the slightest sound –Come on, pull yourself together- She was never the strong one, that was Jane, Jane who was always cool headed even in the worst situations and right now she wished more than anything she could be exactly like that.
The clang of instruments being tossed around in the metal tray made Maura flinch; she closed hers eyes tight as the sound of Jane's footsteps crossing the room came nearer stopping next to her. When Maura opened her eyes Jane was preparing to do the unthinkable, going through the motions in front of her as though she was brain dead with a look in her eyes as though she wasn't completely comprehending what was happening. Closing her hands around the instruments Jane tried to steady herself as she turned to face her friend kneeling down placing her hands on both Maura's knee. Jane stared at the ground refusing to look Maura in the eyes ashamed of what had to happen next,
"Hey, look at me," Maura whispered trying to get Jane's attention. Jane slowly lifted her head and met her eyes; tears slowly fell from her face.
"Maura…" she paused, a million thoughts flashed in her mind about what the two of them had been through in the past, from Hoyt to the time Maura dated a serial killer, all of those times where Jane had saved Maura and how she would have killed to protect her. Now she looked at the situation at hand and realized she was about to do the same thing to Maura that she had protected her from for years –I'm about to become the thing I have fought against my whole life-
"Jane," Maura's voice brought her back to reality, "listen to me you have to cut me exactly where I say, if you don't, I'll-I'll bleed out." Maura gathered herself, "Jane do you understand?" Jane nodded unable to speak. "Start with my hands and feet, you have multiple knives so leave them in so until you are ready to bind my wounds," tears fell from Maura's face, "avoid my neck and the femoral artery on my inner thighs, and cut horizontally not vertically." Jane felt as though a heavy fog had entered her brain she understood what Maura was telling her but it seemed far away as though she was telling her all of this from a distance.
"I-I understand," Jane managed to say, she looked directly into Maura's eyes and the feelings Jane had kept to herself for all those years flooded to the surface –How am I supposed to hurt the woman I love- She placed a soft hand on Maura's cheek, a small smile swept across her lips,
"I trust you." Jane removed her hand as Maura placed both hands on the arm rests of her chair gripping the handles as she let out a deep breath. Jane stood and hovered the knife above Maura's left hand; Maura turned her head unable to watch as cool metal made contact with her skin. Fear spread though out her body as she tensed ready for the pain but when several seconds passed and nothing happened Maura looked up at Jane,
"No." Jane shook her head and removed the knife from over Maura's hand sending it flying across the room, "Screw this I'm not going to hurt you," Jane pulled Maura to her feet, "I'm getting you out of here."