South Park: An Old yet New Face
Disclaimer: I don't own South Park or any of its characters
Chapter: Grey Dawn
Well, now we have to go pick up Grandpa at the retirement home. I don't know why we have to pick him up if he's got a license and can drive himself to our house. Dad keeps telling me that old people are dangerous when it comes to driving and they could kill people. That was a load of bullshit, in my opinion. Anyway, about my Grandad, he doesn't act like no old man. No, he doesn't have no back injuries, no spine problems, no wheel chairs, he's been more energetic than ever before.
"Well, it's about damn time you got here." He mumbled, walking towards the family car.
I noticed my Dad roll his eyes in annoyance, "Hey Dad." Dad and Grandpa have been fighting lately. Ever since Grandma died, Grandpa has been more cranky and bossier than ever. He'll complain if it's too cold in the house or too hot, the food is too mushy, or the TV is too loud.
But that's what old people do. "Jack," Grandpa started, looking down at me from his seat next to me.
I sighed, "Grandad, it's Jake, not Jack. We've been over this billions of times." I didn't even bother. He'd just forget anyway.
Grandpa wore reading glasses and had a long, grey beard and bald hair. What's with my family and beards? My Dad has one, my Grandad, and even my Uncle! Anyway, he wore a green, knitted sweater my Grandma made before she died, and slacks. "Whatever, Jack," He says. I told you. "What're you doing on that damn device?"
"You mean my phone?" I asked in a 'matter of fact' tone. I was playing a game on my phone before Grandpa snatched it from my hand. "HEY!"
"What the hell kind of phone is this?" He asked before taking out his phone. His phone was a flip-phone. Ew. "It's too damn bright for me! What's with the big screen? Why am I doing this, Billy?!" Me and Dad huffed. This is gonna be a long ride home.
We were gathered around at the Farmer's Market because an elderly driver killed 9 people in the market. This happened about yesterday, I think. There was a ceremony held and we were all dressed in suits and all those things people wear to funerals. Father Maxi read to us from the bible while Cartman yawned in disrespect.
"You're an insensitive asshole, Cartman." Kyle hissed, pinching Eric in the arm. "Nine people DIED!"
"Yeah, but eight of them were hippies." Cartman pointed out, "Hippies always go to Farmer's Market…"
Jensen shook his head, "I've never seen one hippie at a Farmer's Market before." Gracie nodded in agreement, holding a rose in one of her hands.
I decided to stay away from the argument and whispered to Stan, "Hey, is it me, or does Kalel always go on Jensen's side?" We both focused back on the argument to see Kalel backing up Jensen with 'evidence', or just hitting Cartman.
Stan nodded in agreement, "Oh yeah. They always side with each other, the same with you and Gracie lately."
"Remind me to kick your ass after this." I nudged him in the ribs, which he responded with a giggle.
"You guys need a hotel room?" Kenny joked before laughing, making me scowl at him and Stan blush. Father Maxi continued to talk for a straight 2 minutes, and I didn't pay attention to a word he was saying.
That is, until I heard Mr. Garrison scream, "LOOK OUT!" Everyone ran from the streets when a car came zooming past us and ran over some people before crashing into a pole. It ended up being another elderly person. God, where do they come from? My Mom and Dad quickly brought me and Joey home before anymore chaos occurred.
At the dinner table, we were eating meatloaf, which was gross, before I had to get something off of my mind. "Dad, how come they let old people drive?" My Dad should know this. Even though he drinks a lot, he was pretty smart about serious things.
Dad finished his meatloaf before saying, "Well son, it's a very fragile issue." He said before sipping on a drink to get rid of the nasty meatloaf taste out of his mouth.
I frowned, "But they kill people."
"Jake, senior citizens have to be dealt with very calmly. We can't just simply 'take' their licensees away." He replied in a calm and smooth tone. My Mom looked at me and nodded, siding with my Dad. Joey was too busy playing with his food to pay attention.
That's when Grandpa decided to stroll in, a hand placed on his back. "That's right! I'll be damned if they DO take my license away!"
"Hey, Dad." Mom greeted when Grandpa plopped a seat next to her.
"I heard what y'all said, taking seniors' driving privileges away! But let me tell you something shortcake, I worked 60 years from World War II all the way to the Korean War!" My Dad rolled his eyes in annoyance as my Grandpa continued his speech. "I protected the president in 1978 and I'll be damned if the government steps in and take away my rights to drive!"
I was silent for a moment before blurting out, "I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. But I just don't wanna die." I was completely honest with that statement. Sure, old people DO have rights, but when it comes behind the wheel, I really don't want to die.
Believe it or not, the DMV ordered all senior citizens over the age of 70 to hand over their license. Unfortunately, they didn't take them away yet, they're waiting to pass the law. Let me ignore that for now because we're playing street hockey right now, me, Stan, Kenny, Kyle, Jensen, and Cartman. Kalel and Gracie watched from the sidelines.
"With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move." Cartman commentated to himself, standing in front of our goal, which was an empty garbage pail. "Marsh heads towards the goal and passes it to the poor kid, then he passes it to Blondie, then to the Jew. The Jew shoots!" Kyle hit the puck, or tennis ball, to the goal, only for Cartman's fat self to block it. "Oh and the shot is missed! Proving once and for all that Jews can't play hockey!"
"It isn't fair!" Kyle cried out, "Cartman's so fat that he's bigger than the goal!"
I nodded in agreement before Cartman shrugged, "No I don't, I just have the perfect hockey body."
Gracie scoffed, "Yeah right! You have the perfect dough boy body, for sure!" We all laughed while Cartman turned red in anger and embarrassment.
"GET OFF THE STREETS!" We heard someone scream from the distance. Following the voice, we looked straight ahead to see a figure wearing a blue shirt, flailing his arms in the air like one of those tube-things, which look like people, they have at car dealerships. Seriously, I forgot what those were called. Anyway, he sprinting towards us as well. "OFF THE STREETS!"
"Who's that?" Kalel asked with a raised eyebrow.
"STREETS! OFF! RAGGGHHH!" At this point, the man was out of breath from screaming. "GET OFF THE STREETS!"
That's when I figured it out. "Dude, Stan, that's your Dad!"
"Looks like Stan's dad's been drinking the bottle lately." Cartman pointed out deadpanned. Stan was too confused to glare at him before Kenny let out a muffled scream and pointed down the road. We turned around and spotted several carts driving towards us….
"OLD PEOPLE!" I gasped.
"Oh shit!" Kyle yelled out.
Mr. Marsh finally caught up to us in time and led us off the streets, running for our lives. "RUN!" He yelled before running into an abandoned house. I don't give two shits if this place looks creepy and eerie, I just want to get away from those old people! "Alright, everyone calm down." He closed the blinds before sighing out in relief.
"Dad, what's happening?" Stan asked in fright.
"Isn't it obvious? Old people are attacking!" I exclaimed, my hands placed on my hips.
"We're safe in here." Randy decided to change the situation and peeked out the window. It was clear. "Don't worry-ahhh!" A vehicle made impact with the wall next to us and we all screamed in horror.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Jensen screamed when we were running up the steps while an elderly woman in her car was chasing us. She was asking if this was some sort of avenue or something like that. Anyway, we reached a, what it appeared to be a closet, but when we opened it, a dead body was hung upside down with a missing eye and a few fingers missing.
Yep, this house was fucked up.
Acting fast, Randy dragged us to the nearest room and locked the door. We all gasped for air in this dusty, old room before he wiped his forehead. "We might have to stay here for the night." Yeah, I agree. It's not safe with old people driving around town. "Maybe the whole winter if we have to."
Fuck that. "No, Dad!" Stan protested, like he was reading my mind. "You just need to tell old people to stop driving!"
Randy rolled his eyes in annoyance, "It's not that easy, Stan!" Stan's dad must've gave him the same bullshit my Dad gave me! It's not 'easy' to tell old people not to drive. "Okay, now, help me find the light-switch." To our relief, he found one, but the room was a bit too bright in the front. We slowly turned around, only for another fucking vehicle just sitting there with two old people in it!
"How'd we get up here?" The driver asked.
"My thoughts exactly!" Gracie and I shouted before running out the room again.
Well it's about damn time! Finally, the DMV took ALL elderly people's licenses and the streets can be safe again. I do feel bad for Grandpa though, he was sulking all day about it and he didn't bother saying 'goodbye' to me when I left for school. Dad was glad that old people can't drive anymore so he can go drinking and not worry about old people crashing into things, or people. You know, I nearly died yesterday because of Stan's Grandpa.
Yep, my friend's Grandpa tried to kill us. He took us driving to the store and, of course, he ran over people and that was when they officially announced that ALL people above the age of 70, I think, must hand in their license.
In school, Mr. Garrison was babbling on about his lesson until he looked out the window and spotted several parachute men or women, carrying duffle bags filled with….items. We all looked before he stepped outside to investigate. Oh, this isn't going to end well.
"It's the AARP: The American Association of Retired Persons." Stan explained.
Wow, I didn't the AARP meant that. I always thought it meant The American Association of Retarted People….I'm going to hell. "OLD PEOPLE GONE MAD!" Gracie gasped when Mr. Garrison was hit in the face with the butt of a gun. The old people started to shoot at the windows, and everyone ducked in cover. "AHH!"
"GET DOWN!" I screamed when the bullets started to fly in our direction. I kept Gracie's head down for a while before the shots were stopped and the old people's voices died down. "Everyone okay?" I earned a few moans and groans in response. I'm guessing they're okay.
"That was too damn close." Gracie sighed before smiling at me. I smiled back before Cartman, being the dick he was, started to make gagging noises. "Fuck you, fat boy!"
"AY!"
"Just stop." Kyle huffed.
I don't know how we did it, but we actually escaped the wrath of the old people. We got out of school and made it back to town, but everyone older than us were kept like prisoners surrounded by a gate with barbed wire on top and elderly people guarding the front entrance. Gee, all this happened in an hour or two?
"Dad!" I called out when my Dad was warming his hands near a fireplace created with a lot of newspaper.
He let out a breath of relief and ran up to us, "Jake! Boys! Girls! You're alive!"
"Dad, why're you letting the old people do this?" I had to ask this because this was getting ridiculous. "Why couldn't anyone just stop them?"
"They've tried to stop them, son but, the seniors get up so early in the morning." He replied with a serious tone. Old people really do get up early in the morning. One time, I woke up around 8 o'clock and my Grandpa was up since 4! "They get everything done before anyone else is awake!"
"They're talking about taking over the whole country." Kyle piped up.
My Dad nodded, "Yes. Seeing on how early they get up, they can take the entire world in less than a month." That's when an idea formed in his head for the first time ever. "Wait, boys! You get up almost as early as they do!"
"Yeah, for school." Stan said.
"Which was full of shit." Kalel mumbled.
I rolled my eyes in annoyance and ignored my two friends. "Can't you guys do it?"
"No, son, we like to sleep in." He replied back. That didn't answer my question at all. We then heard some old people order two hostages to the front entrance. "Shit! They're coming, go boys! Avenge me! Avenge-meeeeeeeee!" I shook my head in embarrassment before we vanished into the woods.
"Weird Dad you got there." Jensen chuckled.
I can't believe it. It actually worked! Kyle thought of a plan to lock the Country Kitchen Buffet, where old people LOVED to eat, from the inside so the seniors could starve to death! It was pure gold, and it was a success. Remind me to give Kyle some money for his brilliant plan. No hug or anything, I don't do hugs. So, the seniors were taken back to their homes, retirement homes, or were either arrested and all the parents were reunited with other of their family members.
"What about this one?" A cop asked my Dad, handcuffing my Grandad.
"No, leave him." My Dad shrugged, "I think he learned his lesson, right Dad? I think someone here owes mister policeman an apology." At this point, my Dad was treating Grandpa like a 5 year old.
Grandpa fell silent before I sucked my teeth, "Oh stop it, Dad! This is your fault too!" His face was written with confusion, so I explained it to him. "Look, Grandpa doesn't want to be talked to like a child, and neither do I. I think he was angrier about how you were dealing with this problem."
"Yeah!" Grandpa nodded in agreement.
My attention then turned to him, "And Grandpa, you should be proud if you lived your life to reach a senior, but you should also realize that when you get behind the wheel, you're a killing machine."
"I know, boy, I know. I just want to feel young again, like my old self. But I guess those years were way behind me, huh?" He chuckled out. "That's why I'm gonna stop driving and take responsibility from now on!"
"Well," Dad piped up. "I think this has been a learning experience for the Andrews family. People died, but we all grew a little. Let's go home."
"I'll drive." Grandpa offered. They all laughed and I turned around to my friends with a depressed look on my face.
Gracie shrugged, "Sorry there, Jake."
Yeah, I felt sorry for myself too. I hate my family right now.
OCs still accepted! NEW OCs INTRODUCED NEXT CHAPTER!
Author: Alright, here's the deal. I'm pairing Jake with Gracie (Who belongs to gibina11748) but I will introduce them in the next few chapters. But, if you want to see them early, check out "Little Mountain Town" by the same author who owns Gracie!