A/N - So, remember how I said that the last chapter was my favorite? Well, now this one is. It's much, much more angst-ish, maybe even a little mean. But it's necessary. Peeta's mood swings shouldn't be ignored. They're a huge part of the growth of both of these two characters, as well as their relationship. I'm sorry if this hurts to read, but I promise it gets better at the end!
He's been moody and grouchy, and he knows that it's getting to her. He's sorry for it, but it's not changing his attitude. He doesn't know what it is, can't seem to shake the feeling that something's wrong with him.
So he takes it out on her.
It's dark, and depressing, and pretty sadistic, and it's not his style. He doesn't know what's come over him, but he's mad at himself and it translates into him being mad at her.
"Peeta?" Her voice comes up behind him, quiet and scared, afraid of what harsh words may come her way.
He doesn't respond.
"What have I done wrong?" It's sad. It's so, so sad that he's doing this to her. "Peeta, this isn't you." She's begging, pleading now. He hears it in her voice.
He remembers when this started, a little over a week ago. He woke up from a horrible nightmare, in which he, from a distance, watched Katniss shoot him with her arrows over, and over again, even after his lifeless form crumpled at her feet. He awoke to find her sleeping beside him, distress played out across her face. She was probably having her own nightmares.
Instead of trying to go back to sleep, he just became angry that these dreams wouldn't go away. He knew it was the Capitol's fault, that they hijacked him and messed with his memories of Katniss. He knew she was not to blame, but he also felt the familiar feeling coming on. The feeling of betrayal, of immense pain. He just couldn't seem to shake it. From that morning on, he transformed. Cold, lifeless, barely there. At first she insisted that he tell her what was happening to him. After a few days, they just didn't speak. This was the first time she was approaching him in four days.
"You promised Peeta. You said 'always'." Her words are like a stab at his heart. His hand even reaches up to his chest, over the spot where it is. Where it should be. He was feeling pretty heartless now.
"You promised a lot of things too." He says quietly. He knows it's like a slap in the face to her. He regrets it instantly, and finally turns to face her. She doesn't look shocked. He's said worse to her and about her, back before the tracker jacker venom had fully left his system. But he knows that it all hurts just the same.
"You could let me go, you know. You could just leave if you're that miserable." She says coldly.
He mulls this over for a moment. Leaving her was not an option. "I can't." He says, finally.
Her eyes widen slightly, emotion returns to her face. The memory flashes before Peeta's eyes, fresh as if it had just happened earlier that day. The large crowd of people, former President Coin's body falling to the ground, all the guards rushing for Katniss. He runs to her, grabs on tightly.
"Let go."
He couldn't bear the thought of it.
"I can't."
He sees her clearly now, standing before him. She's gripping the kitchen counter behind her, leaning against it stiffly. Her mouth is red from how much she'd been biting her lips lately, a nervous tick she developed after the war. Her eyes bore into his, despite the fear that he knows must be gripping her.
She's Katniss, and she's beautiful.
He walks over to her, sees her shy away from him. But she's got nowhere to go, pressed up against that counter.
"I'm sorry." It's the worst apology he's ever given. It's horrible, and he's unworthy. He should just walk away, for her own good. Maybe Gale would come back. Maybe she could be happy, without him and his scary nightmares and delusions dragging her down. He turns to leave when she speaks, surprising him.
"It's okay."
"What?"
"I said it's okay."
He turns back around to look at her. She's relieved, it's written all over her face. But she's also confused, and hurt, and he knows that he owes her an explanation.
"Katniss, I don't know if I'll ever be completely normal again." He says. He knows she'll understand what he's getting at. She has to.
She nods her head. "You just have to tell me if it's something that I do that triggers it. What am I doing wrong?"
He shakes his head, denying that she's the problem, but she presses on.
"It has to be me, Peeta. Don't you get it? Maybe you should just leave, if I make you turn into this cold person. I'm no good for you, and-"
"Stop." He silences her with one word. "Don't you think I've tried, all week, to figure out why I just can't leave? Don't you think the thought crossed my mind that if I walked out that door, and got away from you, that I might be normal again?" He stops, smiles sadly at her. He can feel the tears welling up, but he doesn't try to stop them.
She has to understand.
"You don't get the effect you have on people Katniss." He knows he's said it to her before, knows she never really understood what he meant. But he'll make her see it now. "You're destructive, and sometimes a little insane. You're passionate, and brave, and willing to fight for what you believe in. But you're masochistic, and will hurt yourself at any chance you get because you think that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. And Katniss, with or without being hijacked, you've always scared me."
"Thanks for the pep talk Mellark, are you done now?" She scoffs.
He shakes his head. "But no matter what, I can't seem to shake you. You're inside me Katniss, it's like you flow in my veins. Every time this week that I thought I was too depressed to stand it any longer, you'd bat your lashes, or flip your hair to the side that I like it on, or hum to yourself quietly. My goodness Katniss, everything you do is just so damn pretty. I couldn't bring myself to leave. I never will."
She's stunned into silence. She tries to speak, but her voice catches in her throat. He walks over to her, doesn't give her a chance to speak before kissing her. This isn't like any other kiss they've shared, except for one. It resembles their last kiss in their last Hunger Games. It's passionate, and it's fiery, and it grows. He feels great, as he holds her slender form close to his own. She just so warm, and he loves her. He loves her so much.
Neither of them try to stop what's about to happen. But before it goes any further, something comes to his mind, and he can't not do it now that he's thought of it. He pulls away, hears her groan with discontent. She moves back in, but he moves away. He takes her hand in his own.
"Marry me?"