Right Down the Line (part 4/?)
Maggie's pregnancy was a lifeline for them all. It was something they needed after Hershell's passing to guide them to the future. Even Daryl could feel it. And he was pleased it was happening to Maggie. She'd strutted round the yard like a mare in full bloom, all glossy chestnut hair and defiant tosses of her head. With a rifle flung over her shoulder, she practically dared anyone to suggest she should step back to less dangerous positions; be more... homely.
Poor Glenn, the boy had been a wreck, vacillating between pride and out right terror. More than once he'd said to Daryl "I'm having a baby. I got Maggie pregnant," awe clear in his voice.
"I know, man," was all Daryl could answer, giving him a supportive slap on the back.
In amongst the excitement and optimism, a memory hung in the air. Those who had been in the original prison group - Daryl, Carol, Rick, Carl, Beth - would all exchange looks every time the topic of the birth came up, because they all remembered. They remembered Lori.
Judith had been the last baby born in the prison and her cries still echoed round the halls.
They'd been preparing for Maggie's delivery for months. It wouldn't be like Lori. They had a surgeon and a mid-wife, and a midwife-in-training even. As soon as Maggie had confirmed her pregnancy, Beth had decided she wanted Ruby to train her up. With her daddy gone they'd feared she'd slip back to how she was at the farm, retreating into her head – or worse, a bathroom with a knife. But she was stronger now and having a role in life, gave her a reason to live. The girl had a way with babies, any fool could see that. It might have also had something to do with Oliver's strapping young boy that Beth had clearly set her cap on. It didn't matter the reason, the truth of it was they would be prepared for it this time. But of course, no one is ever really prepared.
Carol spoke about it often, out of earshot of Maggie. She told Daryl about the walker she'd had Glenn find for her to practice on; she talked about her friendship with Lori and Lori's fears. Most of all she told him how she felt she'd failed Lori by not being there. No matter what Daryl said to her, it didn't shake the guilt from her shoulders. Never mind that she had been fighting for her life, trapped in a cell for days, she still thought somehow she should have been with her. If only she'd turned left not right; if only she'd been nearer her; if only; if only.
Daryl didn't have the answers, and he felt he failed in comforting her. Lori had died after all, Maggie had cut her open, Carl had put her down - nothing he said could change those facts.
It was strange that even though they slept in the same bed every night, spent hours with their mouths sharing one breath, sometimes he'd felt that he wasn't as close to her as he could be. But he knew - if it was true - it was entirely his own fault.
She'd changed him so much, given him so much, and still he held back. Sometimes he'd see her with Rick, their interactions so easy. Rick would hug her, confide in her, and seek her council without a second thought. And there he was, the man who was meant to give her all that and he couldn't. He couldn't hold her hand; couldn't hug her; couldn't kiss her in front of others. He dreaded her thinking he was ashamed of her. He wasn't. He was ashamed of himself, afraid one day she'd realise any of these other men - Tyresse, Oliver, Joel, Alexi - were all better choices than him. So he held on to a part of his heart.
He frowned at the memory of the day it happened; how it unfolded. Even though he knew how it turned out, how many times he'd feel her lips on his after that, still it frightened him to think that once again he could have pushed her away.
It had started with one of those god-awful meetings; those waste of time, air sucking jokes where everyone is heard and no-one listens.
Joel had this idea about moving the fence boundaries to include the stream and some more of the land on the outskirts. Things had got ugly over whether or not they could spare the man power. Eventually, nothing was agreed and they'd called it a day.
Daryl had watched Carol wander over to Maggie as they all broke out onto the yard. He watched her smile and chat, her hand resting on Maggie's belly rubbing it in gentle circles. He wasn't aware of Alexi by his side until he spoke.
"No lovelier sight than a lady in full sail, don't you think" he'd said nodding towards the women.
Daryl'd just shrugged.
"You two not having kids? Guess some people are just not cut out to have children," he'd prattled on.
Daryl's heckles had risen at that. He started to feel the heat of anger spread across his shoulders. It wasn't the guy's fault he didn't know about Sophia. And it certainly wasn't his fault that he didn't know that all they did was make-out and dry hump like a couple of teenagers in a station wagon. He wasn't to know that Daryl came in his pants more times than a man in his forties should even be thinking about, leaving Carol no doubt as unsatisfied as she must have been with that Neanderthal Ed.
None of that was the man's fault, but all of it had run through Daryl's mind. He felt as if Alexi had read his mind and knew every guilty secret he was holding. And then the man spoke again.
"I love a big family. I would have had that fine lady pushing them out like puppies if it was me."
Daryl didn't think. He just grabbed the man by the front of his shirt and punched him across his jaw. The man instinctively lashed out and instantly there were fists flying. They grappled and connected for a good 30 seconds before Daryl felt the hands pulling them apart and heard the voices telling him to calm down.
He'd pulled his arm away from the grasp of whoever was holding him. Only then did he see it was Carol. Tyresse was holding Alexi and Rick was in between of them, arms outstretched, holding them apart.
"Woah, woah, Brother, what's going on?" He'd tried to make eye contact with Daryl, but he refused to meet his gaze.
"I'll sort him out, Rick," he'd heard Carol's voice behind him, and her hand on the small of his back, leading him away.
"What on earth was that about? What happened?" she'd queried as he stomped off ahead of her, back inside.
"I didn't like his mouth, so I punched it."
Carol had given an amused snort at that, as she guided him into one of the rooms they used for cleaning up. Karen and the 2 kids who were in there quickly hurried out at the sight of him, as he realised blood was trickling down from his nose.
Carol sat him down on a bench and set to, gathering a bowl of water, some cloth and antiseptic.
"So, what did he say that caused this, huh?" she said softly as she dabbed at his face.
He winced at the pain, and at the thought of explaining it to her.
"He was bein' a wise ass," was all he'd said.
"Uhhuh, and? There's plenty of wise asses around here, I don' t see you trying to break their jaws. C'mon, be straight with me?"
At that moment, he hated that she knew him so well. He wanted to go back to the days when he didn't have to answer to anyone or feel he was letting anyone down.
Begrudgingly he'd told her.
"He was makin' smart comments about you, how I should have knocked you up before now."
Carol had frozen at that, and she'd looked at him with a frown.
"Is that what this is about? You don't think you're a man 'cos you've not got me pregnant?"
The anger in Daryl had flared again.
"I don't think I'm a man 'cos I can't even bring myself to fuck you."
He'd jumped to his feet and grabbed the rag from her hand.
"Fuck me?" she'd said with disgust. "That's what you think I want from you? I just want some stud to bone me good? I want you. I want to make love to you -whatever form that takes. Don't you know that by now?"
He didn't believe her, how could he? He was a failure, he always would be. He couldn't give her what she needed, he'd been fooling himself he could; fooling himself that by not talking about what was and wasn't happening it wasn't real.
"I know you need a man who can give you what you need. That's not me. Never has been." He'd walked away from her, stopping at the door. "But, hey, Alexi Cockov over there seems keen to offer you it. Maybe move him into your cell."
He'd walked away, in every sense of the word.
He wanted it to make him feel better, but he'd just felt worse. Looking back he felt bad for Tyresse who was on watch with him much of that day. Rick tried to talk to him several times, but his hand on his arm, his comforting way of talking just reminded him of her.
His thought process was utterly screwed up. Deep down inside he knew he was scared, knew how close he was to finally jumping into that relationship with both feet, and he knew that terrified him. To want something so badly for so long, be so close. He was pushing it away for fear he'd drop it and it would smash into a million pieces – like everything he touched always did.
Of course, it was only in hindsight he knew all that. At the time all he felt was cold anger. He'd slept in the garage that night, and in the morning when Glenn had been looking for someone to make a run with him, he'd jumped at it.
Maggie's due date was getting close and Glenn wanted to get some more baby things, just in case. Thankfully the boy didn't pursue any questioning besides telling him his nose looked sore and asking if he was okay. It took longer than they expected. The more time passed, the harder it was to find store's with supplies. None of them liked looting houses, but sometimes it was a necessity.
And the silent, stalking, methodical searched suited his mood. If he'd known what was happening back at the prison, he would have run all the way there.
Author's notes: Just to let you all know I am down with a stinking cold right now, so if I'm typing utter nonsense, it's the drugs, let me know. Also, it may slow me down a little but I DO intend to get this finished this week. Likely another 3 or 4 chapters. Thanks for reading and reviewing you gorgeous lot!