Chapter Four
Thoughts
It's been a week since I told Charlie that I'm going to leave Forks. He hasn't talked to me since; I have had constant nightmares almost every night since Edward left me. I can't explain the nightmares it hurts too much to bear. I can't eat I can't sleep; I'm like a computer on shut down and you can't find the reset button. I'm so isolated from everyone now; I might as well be on a different planet. I don't do anything just sit in my room looking out the window. I just couldn't stand it here anymore; all the little things Edward related seem to be everywhere around here. The school, the hospital, baseball on T.V., and especially Romeo and Juliet remind me of him. I never thought anything could be this bad this...this... Painful, horrible, tragic I could go on for days describing how it feels.
I go through school in a blur never learning or seeing all I do is think about him. I walk to my truck today after school driving home to Charlie. I walk in thinking only of being alone when Charlie calls for me in the living room. I walk around the corner seeing him sagging in his leather armchair. I see really see how he looks with his hair slightly greyer and bags under his eyes, which is entirely my fault. I sit on the couch waiting for him to tell me whatever it is he wants to tell me. He looks at me then takes a deep breath saying "I know that this being here is hard on you with what Edwin did to you. so..."
I know Charlie called Edward "Edwin" just to try and make me feel better. I look up into Charlie's face when he doesn't finish seeing things like loss, fear, angry, and something like regret in his eyes. He clears his throat and says "so... if it's...what you really want... you can...st...stay with your Uncle." I look at him in shock not knowing what to do next. I knew Charlie had tried his best with me and he wanted to be strong about letting me leave.
Yet I still heard the catch in his voice no matter how much he tried to hide it. I sit there for probably five minutes before I get up to go pack my stuff. As I get to the doorway of the living room I turn around and run to him giving one last hug. He just looked at me like I was nuts but hugs me back fiercely. I tell him I love him that this is for the best. Telling him that I'll see him later on not sure if that's true though. I walk away up the stairs to my room to pack.
I pack all my clothes and my extra stuff like my laptop, iPod, camera, and photo album. I get my two suitcases packed and a duffle bag of all my other stuff that didn't fit in my suitcases. I sit on my bed looking out my window I remember all those days I did this. I sit on my bed thinking about things in my life.
Then I start to hear something that sound like "tap...tap...tap..." I stand up and go to the window to check it out. There at the bottom of the tree in the back yard is Jacob throwing rocks at my window. I look down at him when he starts making hand motions for me to unlock the window from the inside. I open the window and go sit on my bed.
A few minutes later Jacob comes into my room through the window with only shorts on. I ask him if he's cold but he just laughs. He looks at me coming closer to my face touching my cheek. I look up at him when he says "why are you crying?" I touch my cheek reflectively feeling tears running slowly down my face. I hastily wipe them away looking at Jake faking a smile saying "what tears? I'm not crying Jake."
He gives me a disapproving look knowing I'm lying but doesn't call me on it. He turns his head and sees the bags by my door saying "What's with the bags Bell? You going somewhere?" I nod my head waiting for his reaction. He turns to me again looking at me, seeing me from the inside-out it feels like. Then I start seeing the anger buildup in Jake's eyes.
He asks "This is all because of that stupid bloodsucker. He means nothing Bell you don't need him, you never needed him. Bell you have me you always have me. I'M what you NEED." He looks at me with pleading eyes that never leave my face. I do love Jake but not the way he wants me to; he's like my only brother. I want him to be happy just like he wants that for me but that can't happen between "us" I have to find my way.
I look at Jake and say "Jake you know I love you but not that kind of love you're my best friend more like my brother. I don't want to hurt you but I can't be with you. I can't stay here anymore because it reminds me to much of... him. I hope you understand I just need time to think to find my way again."
He looks at me with a chest fallen expression but nods his he in understanding. He comes up to me and wraps his arms around me. I feel his warmth seep from him to me. I feel better knowing Jake understands what I need when he asks "Do I at least get to know where my best friend is going?" I look up at his smiling face and tell him where I'm going.
He tells me he'll come and visit when I've been there for a month or so. I laugh and tell him to call first. I glance at the clock seeing that it's almost one I tell Jake he needs to go home. He gets off my bed and starts walking to the window I get up saying he should take the door. He shakes his head I walk after him then he leaps out the window bouncing gracefully off the trees in the backyard till he gets to the ground
I can't believe he just did that and lived through it. I close the window locking it back walking back to my bed. I sleep fretfully all night with mixed images different things. I dream of James, of Edward leaving, my bike wreck, Edward being torn apart, Jacob being bite by a vampire, and something else me in the arms of a guy that isn't Edward or Jacob who is it?
I wake up with a start me left with my thoughts is a BAD THING.