Yep. It's that time again! Just later than we all thought it would be!

… Well, before that, we've got 3 votes for NaruSaku, and 1 for NaruHina. But, remember, this is a crack fic, and crack fics tend to mean crack pairings. So, whether it's KisaTobi, or NejiKarin, get them pairings a-rollin'! x3

And now, I deal with reviews with great jubilance!

Gomjibar22 – What am I on? London air. … Yes, it does have the same effect on everyone. Honest.

Tytan83 – Hinata is still female as she hasn't had the misfortune of touching Naruto in Kyuubi form yet (If she has and I've just forgotten… Uh… I dunno, I'll think up some convenient plot twist. The shy are safe.)

Toroman – Mm. The level of potential perversion was half the reason I wanted to do this.

Aaron Blayne Leger – Suspense? No way, this has suspense!? O.O' Well, I guess that's a good thing 8D

Sorry if I didn't specifically reply, I'm trying to get this out quickly as possible, because I've been very bad over the Christmas holidays and not done anything at all. Next time, I'll probably get round to saying something to everyone, but, as a general message:

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH, AND KYUUBI SMILES ON YOU!

Kay, done, keep those reviews coming, honestly, each one brightens my day to no end!

Naruto peeked out from under her noticeably too-large hooded cloak, taking in the surroundings with various, swift, suspicious glances at things. People, ramen and buildings. A town. Which town? Her eyes found a rather large sign reading "Haisha Town". Ah. This town.

With a large sigh, Naruto turned to the nearest ramen bar and strode there, ignoring glares from the townspeople. Clearly, they had a problem with a girl wearing a large cloak. Naruto noted that they would have to be dealt with after food.

Having caught the eye of the chef and ordering her normal ramen selection, Naruto sat down on a stool, and began to twirl around on it, once again, attracting glares. However, she stopped rather abruptly and started muttering to herself, until she was approached by a non descript fellow.

"Um, excuse me, but, you wouldn't have happened to have heard about a girl with bright yellow hair and a… slightly offdisposition on your travels, have you? Our town just received a note from Konohagakure telling us that she's a danger, and needs to be confined at all costs…"

Naruto eyed the non-descript fellow with disinterest, pulling her cloak even further over her face. "No. Why the fuck would I have? I mean, god, the hell is fucking wrong with you dip-shits? …But, you know, I'm really truly sorry about not being able to say, I'll keep an eye ou—Wait, what am I saying? No I won't keep a fucking eye out for some random lady, I've got a shit-load of things to do! I simply must find Sasuke-pon and give him a biiiig hug and then rip his fucking head off! Oh, but that's terribly mean of me, so I really ought not to, but who the fuck cares 'bout Sasuke and his lil' head…? Oh, I do, I do… Ha, no I don't, just kidding." By the time Naruto was finished with her reply, she was panting, and unable to see out of her hood, and as a result was also flailing weakly as if it would bring back vision. However, this flailing resulted in Naruto's hood flopping off, revealing long, bright yellow hair. The non descript fellow watched her furtively for a while, as if trying to put two and two together, then shrugged and turned away, waving as he went.

"… Oh, well, that's okay then. If you do happen to see anyone acting a little oddly, tell the authorities!"

"Uh… yeah. Will do!" Naruto called back, grinning and waving. Having utterly forgotten about her ramen, she stood up and flounced off, picking up and throwing rocks at the occasional passer by who dared give her the wrong look. Alternatively, she'd stop and attempt to seduce people. Either one worked. This pattern continued for a while, until she came to a blatantly cheap inn. "Cheap is good." She stated, and then skipped in, not bothering to ask the clerk for a room. Instead, she slipped straight into a random room, ignoring the sleeping couple in the bed.

It was time to think. "But first, mini-bar!"

Then, a nap later, it really was time to think. And also time to draw on maps. "Okay. So if the info I have is correct… Uh…" Naruto began to draw a series of comics in the blank space above his map, before returning to the task at hand. "The fugitives said Orochimaru died here…" He then proceeded to draw a slightly horrific mess which was supposed to be Sasuke killing is teacher, "So Sasuke's probably in thisarea, given that he can't travel too quickly… He's probably not in the ocean, either." He then drew a large circle, encompassing about 85 percent of the world land-mass. "Great! I love narrow search areas!"

And so, with a merry chortle, he grabbed the last packet of Ninjah-Steekz and ran out of the room, leaving the poor, unsuspecting couple sitting bolt upright in bed, utterly horrified.

In Sunagakure, someone did not have a mini-bar to enjoy, he did not have a packet of Ninjah-Steekz, but he did have larger hips than his sister. Not so great when you're meant to be the youngest brother.

"Gaara, look, calm down…"

"I am calm, Kankurou!"

"No, Gaara, your eyes are wide, and—"

"Shut up! That's an order from the Kazekage!"

Kankurou rolled his eyes and stared at the floor whilst his little brother tapped his official brush-pen on his office table, flicking ink everywhere with each tap. "Look, Gaara, you've read the message from Konoha, you know what's happened, and you know how dangerous the Akatsuki could be right now, so, don't you think---"

Now, Kankurou had always assumed that Naruto had managed to fix Gaara's slightly psychotic side, and that the absence of the Shukaku would have cemented his sanity even further, but, it would appear he was wrong, as faster than his eyes could follow, Gaara's hand was wrapped around his throat. "I thought I ordered you to shut u—"

Thankfully for Kankurou, Temari had been standing outside for some while, unsure how to approach her brothers, and so, hearing Kankurou's startled squeak, she had burst into the room and thrown the nearest china cup at Gaara's head. However, she had thrown it a little harder than she had thought, and not only did it loosen Gaara's grip, it sent her youngest brother crashing to the floor, unconscious.

"Shit. I've killed Gaara."

"Nnnooope." Kankurou poked him with his foot earning a loud groan from the Kazekage. "He's alive. Totally bat-shit crazy, but very much alive."

There was an awkward silence, which Temari broke. "Great, so, what do we do?"

"I dunno. Lock Gaara up somewhere? It's not like he can roam the countryside gallabanding after S-ranked criminals. He has a village to run. We, however, can go have some fun I guess…"

"And leave our, as you so eloquently put it, bat-shit crazy brother alone? He'll rip someone's head off at this rate…"

Kankurou nodded slowly, partially disappointed. "Yeah, I guess we'll jut have to stay here…"

Unfortunately for him, Gaara was not quite as unconscious as they had first supposed, and so, with haste, got up as quickly as possible, dodging his siblings frantic lunges and leaped out the window, blurring off into the distance, shouting back something that vaguely resembled 'You'll never get me now, fuck-tards!'.

"Great. So said bat-shit crazy brother has run away. What do you suggest now, Miss Mighty?"

"We go after him, dumbass!"

Karin was lost. Not the normal kind of "I-can-work-my-way-out-of-this" kind of lost, no. This was the proper "Where-the-fuck-am-I?" kind of lost.

Having been walking to and fro frantically for what had to have been several hours, she was not only exhausted, she was in panic-mode, as well.Homygod what if Sasuke and the others find me? They'll be so pissed… Actually, they probably don't care about me. I'm all alone. In a forest. A dark forest. I'm going to die. I'm somewhere ridiculously far away from any of Orochimaru's hideouts… What if I get raped? What if I get raped and then killed?! What if I get savaged by wild animals?! What if I need to go to the bathroom!? AaaaaaAAAAaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa…

And so, Karin continued to make silly strangled noises in her head, which soon transferred to being proper verbal strangled noises. Thankfully for her, there was another lost girl in the area. Just, she was a little less frantic.

"Ummm… Are you okay?"

Karin screeched, and then whipped around to face the other girl, clutching her heart as though suspecting an imminent cardiac arrest.

"No, I'm not alright."

"…Oh. Okay, I'm sorry, uh… do you know where we are?"

"Look, if I knew where we were, would I be wailing and jumping at meek shit-faces like you?"

"… I-I-I guess not."

There was a silence.

"I'm Karin. You?"

"H-Hinata… Hyuuga Hinata."

Karin's eyes narrowed suspiciously, as though trying to place the name, however, nothing came to mind. "Cool. Well, seeing as we're both girls, and we're both lost, we have a bit in common, so I guess we can be friends, right?" Hinata was about to agree verbally, when Karin interrupted her. "Ah, wait, you arenaturally female, right? You didn't just… change one morning, did you?"

Now it was Hinata's turn to be suspicious. "N-no… I really am I a girl, but, if you don't mind me asking… Why the question?"

Hinata's suspicion made Karin even more suspicious. Suspicion was reaching paramount levels by the time she replied. "Weird shit has been happening. A guy I know… He's… Uh… become a girl, and this guy I thought was dead actually isn't, and… and, yeah." There, that was vague enough.

"Um, well, I guess similar stuff happened to me… If you don't mind me asking, what was the guy's name?"

Karin's eye met Hinata's leaf symbol. … She'd know Sasuke. Fuck. Karin started stuttering and attempting to formulate a vaguely coherent response, when, weakly, all she could manage was to yell 'DUCK!', and to tackle Hinata to the ground.

A brief amount of confusion followed, nothing happened for a while, when Hinata stood up slowly and brushed herself off. "I… don't see anything…"

Karin stared at the ground. "I thought I saw a duck behind you. And I'm scared of ducks. So… Uh… I thought you might be, too, seeing as we have so much in common… and… uh…"

"You're so thoughtful, Karin-san!"

"Uhuh. Yeah. I am."

All suspicion was instantly forgotten on Hinata's part, as the two care freely made idle chatter whilst walking in some random direction, formulating a deep and trusting friendship which was—

Okay, that's going a bit too far…

Orochimaru mentally paced up and down inside Sasuke's mind, pondering life in general, occasionally stopping to wince at just how terrible her apparent situation was. Trapped in the mind and body of a twat, turned into a woman by some other twat, with only the first mentioned twat to speak to. Why does life have to be so full of twats? At least I'm not a twat, and am capable of deep comprehension of a vast number of subjects... Jiraiya was a twat, Tsunade was a twat with big breasts, Sarutobi-sensei was a twat, the Akatsuki were twats, Kabuto was a twat... God I'm vindictive... At least I'm not a twat.

She mentally stared off into Sasuke's mind-space, which currently was just a black abyss of inner-turmoil and rage. The only time it was something different was when Sasuke was dreaming of having Itachi's bloody head in his body. Then, it was a vast land of green fields and joy, and sometimes marshmallows. Orochimaru preferred the black abyss to no end, however dull and generally lifeless it was. However, there was always a little door not too far off, where there was a room where one could watch Sasuke's memories. The mind had... an interesting structure, Orochimaru had long since decided.

Maybe all minds have different structures, like, my mind might have a pit which you need to jump in to see my memories... Interesting... She paused Wow, I really,reallyneed to get out of here. She mused inwardly, careful not to mutter out loud in case Sasuke heard and decided to take mental action. "But… how?"

And, as if on instant cue, Sasuke's booming and all encompassing voice shot through her own mind, startling Orochimaru slightly. What do you want now? And what do you mean 'but, how?'? So much for being careful not to say anything out loud.

"…Nothing. Just… Thinking of the best way to help you kill Itachi… and to help you enhance your sharingan… and… to help you in general!"

Fine. Try not to be too annoying. I vastly prefer walking in silence to hearing your voice.

"But of course." And once again, it was silent. Not to be too annoying, hm? Says the lord of annoying twats. If he was conscious inmy mind, I'd probably just kill myself. Or change bodies immediately. Ha. He's such a damn twat, not being more suspicious...

Realization hit in a sudden wave of happiness and hope, filling the normally apathetic and grumpy man with boundless joy. That's it! I'll annoyhim into submission! He'll have to let me out then! He won't kill himself because he'll still want to kill Itachi… So he'll have no choice!

"Oh, Sasukeeeeeeeeee..."

The poor body hadnoidea what he was in for. But he was about to find out.

"Run, Itachi, run for your life!"

The Oro-Infovestigation squad hurtled down a main street, eyes wide, fear plastered all over their horrified faces. They were being chased by men yelling unsightly things at them. Never had any of them been assigned such a starkly difficult mission, and none of them liked it one bit. Perhaps it would have been alright if they could access and use their chakra, but they couldn't, they couldn't even ninja tree jump, and it was not fun in the slightest. Of course, Tobi was fine, but he was following them on the rooftops, laughing at their plight.

"Deidara, take off your shoe and throw it at them!"

"What? No way, Kisame, I'm a girl, girls have soft feet, I don't want to step on something pointy! Besides, can't we just offer Itachi-san as a sacrifice?!"

Itachi's panic stricken visage paled even further. "I object! After all, Deidara, they're after you, you're the blonde!"

"You're a bitch, Itachi-san!"

Before his two companions started hitting each other, Kisame intervened. "No, Tobi's the bitch!"

"You're right, Kisame!"

"Let's hit his face next time we see him!" Deidara decreed.

"But he wears a mask… won't that hurt to punch?" Itachi interjected, faltering slightly as she stumbled over a rock. As she did this, she took the time to glance behind, to find the group of horny men catching, and quickly, too.

"Ugh, fine, Itachi, what—"

"Faster, hurry!" Itachi placed his hands on Deidara and Kisame's back, and propelled them forward with the desperation of his running. However, this did not work out quite as planned, as exhaustion caught a hold of all three of them, and they began to slow quite noticeably. "Deidara, you have to throw a shoe!"

"Throw your own shoe, Itachi! Or you Kisame!"

"Hey, you're just dragging me into this because I'm the ugly sidekick! It's not fair, this always happens!" The three of them instantaneously stopped, breathing heavily. There they stood in the middle of the road, arguing and gesturing. Soon enough, the horde of men had surrounded them, and were all listening intently to the supposed top of the ninja world.

"You're making assumptions, Kisame!" Itachi snapped, "Your being butt-ugly had nothing to do with this!"

"Did you just call me butt-ugly?! What is wrong with you? You used to be so silent and accepting, but now you're calling me butt-ugly?"

"Well it's true!" Deidara and Itachi both yelled at the same time. "And you're fat…" Deidara added on.

"I can't believe you two! Always so high and mighty about your 'beauty', how dare you slag me off about this! Even when we were male, you two were always so damn vain!"

A horrified silence encompassed the raging perverts--- men, a few of them muttering 'when we were male..?' to themselves. Slowly, what they thought was the truth dawned on them, and after a little more muttering and realizing, the more expressive of the group screamed, and thus they all ran away.

Itachi, Kisame and Deidara stopped their arguing for a moment, comprehending what had just happened, and that seemingly, they had no reason to fear getting raped anymore. The three of them stood there for some while, eyes glazed over with triumph, their differences entirely forgotten about, when Tobi hopped down from the nearest building, clapping.

"Good show, guys! That was awesome! That was a seriously good idea, pretending to argue so that you could get it across that you used to be men!"

Kisame blushed, slightly embarrassed. "You mean… you guys were pretending?"

… No. was the thought that Itachi and Deidara had at precisely the same time. "We… uh… Yeah. Sure."

"Yes.Pretending." Nervous laughter ensued.

"Aw, you guys. I'm sorry for what I said about you being vain…"

Tobi sighed. "This is all very well, but… did you find anything out about Sasuke's whereabouts? Or the location of anyof Orochimaru's bases?"

There was a pause, as the three of them suddenly remembered precisely why they'd gone into that brothel, dressed in provocative suits.

"Oh… we… forgot to ask, I guess." Deidara muttered.

"Youforgot to ask."

"It's kinda hard to information gather when you're being assaulted." Kisame replied, slightly startled by Tobi's sudden authoritative tone. "… Did you find anything, Tobi?"

"I… forgot, too." Another pause ensued. "What? I was hungry…"

Itachi sighed. "We really don't have much money… You ought to refrain from buying too much food."

"Says the lady who spent a small fortune on 'civilian' clothes and products. Please. No civilian has 11 face creams on hand at all times." Tobi retorted, folding his arms.

Itachi did the same, only sticking out a hip to emphasize the annoyance. "It keeps me young and attractive."

Deidara snorted. "And you still have old man lines…"

"They're not old man lines! They're facial characteristics!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever, by the time you're 30, those'll be aaaall the way to your ears!"

More argument ensued, only this time, it was for real, and everyone knew it. Human shields were used, punches were thrown, and Naruto was safer than ever.

That's all for now, folks! Most of next chapter'll be spent on the Konoha lot, and their attempts to find and subdue Naruto.

Remember, I love you all.

Kyuubi won't eat you if you review, though!