Jareor

To recklessly risk your life, foolish, not brave

Chapter 1

Anakin woke up in his bed in the Temple, in the apartment he shared with Obi-Wan. That in itself wasn't so strange, except when he considered the fact that he hadn't slept there in months. He had been on a ship or if he was on Coruscant, at Padmé's apartment. Waking up alone in a real bed was unnerving anymore. Never mind that, it was downright disorienting to wake up in the Temple.

There was a knock on the door before it opened and the light flooded in. Anakin groaned and covered his eyes with his arm. Obi-Wan chuckled from the doorway.

"Oh Anakin, what will I do with you?"

He peeked up at his master from under his arm.

"What time even is it?" He asked, looking at the older man.

"It's almost time for your knighting ceremony." A flash of irrational panic shot through him. It was really happening. Obi-Wan wouldn't be able to protect him anymore from the Council and their criticism. He would be on his own. The Council would tear him to threads. They hated him. If they ever found out what he had done, any of it…

As if sensing his line of thought, Obi-Wan frowned and sat on the edge of the bed.

"What's wrong, Anakin?"

"Nothing's wrong. Why would you think something is?"

He couldn't be a knight. He would make a terrible knight. And no padawan would ever want him as a master. Not a one. Most knights had spent time in the crèche as padawans, so the younglings wanted to be assigned to them. But he hadn't and he knew that the other padawans had and they would have talked.

If the other padawans knew what he had done, there wouldn't be a place in the galaxy he could go to get away from it.

His master frowned. "You're a terrible liar."

"I am not," he scoffed indignantly. "I'm an excellent liar."

"I'm so sure," his master drawled sarcastically. "So what exactly of nothing is wrong?"

Anakin kept silent as he sat up on the bed. If he was such a bad liar, he'd give himself away and that was the last thing he wanted to do. The last thing he could do. He'd be a criminal in the eyes of the Republic. He'd never be allowed to see his family again.

You can't trust Obi-Wan, a little voice whispered inside his head, he'll go straight to the Council if you tell him.

Except that wasn't right. How could that be right? He had told Obi-Wan about him and Padmé and his master hadn't gone to the Council. He had gone AWOL to rescue Boba and Obi-Wan hadn't breathed a word of it to the Council. If he could trust Obi-Wan with that, couldn't he trust him with what happened with the Tuskens?

"You're not going to like it," he started with.

"I already don't like it. Whatever it is is eating you up inside. I can feel that much." Anakin winced. He hadn't realized just how much he had been projecting through their training bond. Obi-Wan sighed, moving closer to him. His hand rested on Anakin's shoulder. "Whatever it is, Padawan, you can tell me."

"It's about my mother's death."

Obi-Wan's brow furrowed. "The visions?"

Anakin shook his head. "No. After the visions." He sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Padmé insisted we go. I kept having the nightmares and she was worried. In them, the Tuskens were torturing my mother."

He felt his master stiffen. Obi-Wan already knew that part, but it still was hard to hear. He didn't say anything, so Anakin continued.

"When I found her, it was so much worse." He stifled a sob. "She was still alive. They tortured her for over a month and she lived through it. She died in my arms."

He heard Obi-Wan take in a sharp breath. But he couldn't face him. He had to finish telling him before the voice convinced him otherwise. Even now, it was whispering, asking him what he was doing, didn't he know Obi-Wan would tell the Council. He would be expelled, arrested. Obi-Wan would turn Padmé and Boba against him.

Except why would he? He had been so used to listening to that voice, but since the day before, when Obi-Wan had promised to keep his family secret, he couldn't help but question it. Because if it had been wrong about that, it could be wrong about everything.

The voice had been the one to tell him to kill the sand people. They deserve it. They're animals. You should slaughter them, just like animals. Do it.

Anakin felt sick.

Obi-Wan's hand slide from his shoulder, pulling him closer, holding him in a way he hadn't since Anakin had been a very small child.

"There's more," he said flatly, his voice a question and Anakin nodded, unable to speak.

"I killed them," he whispered horrified. "I couldn't help it. This voice in my head kept saying that they deserved it. That they were animals. And I knew it was wrong and I didn't care and-"

He cut off, his words unable to come out. He felt so consumed by his guilt now. When he had first done it, there had been no guilt. In fact, the voice had seem proud of him. Good, Anakin. When he had reached the Lars' homestead, a war had started in his mind.

He could feel Obi-Wan's disappointment, his grief. He closed his eyes against it and pulled away.

"I should tell the Council," Anakin said flatly, sitting up and reaching for his boots to tug on.

"No, Anakin," Obi-Wan said firmly. "You will not go turning yourself in. What will it change now?"

"I murdered an entire tribe of sentient beings. I deserve whatever the Council's going to do to me." For a change, he didn't add.

His master was staring at him with that sad, disappointed look in his eyes. He turned away and headed to the door.

"What good will it do, Anakin?"

That made him stop. Obi-Wan sounded tired, in pain. But there was something else in his voice, something he couldn't place.

And he was right. What good would it do? It wouldn't bring back the ones he had killed. It wouldn't bring back his mother.

"And what of Padmé and young Boba?" That was low and Obi-Wan had to know it. How could he turn his back so readily on his family?

He closed his eyes against his thoughts, trying to silence them. The voice, for once, was silent. Perhaps it agreed with Obi-Wan. Perhaps that was unacceptable to it. He left their apartment without a second look back.