The Time Dean Gave In
FYI in case it's hard to understand but this scene is from the scene with Dean and the bottle in 10X19 "The Werther Project." For this chapter the italic lyrics are from "Suicide Note" by Johnette Napolitano. I thought it would fit this whole scene better. Some of the dialogue isn't mine... so don't sue me. Some of it is taken right from the show. Rights to the CW for some of the dialogue (Most if not almost all the Benny/Dean dialogue). Enjoy and thank y'all for all the positive feedback! Sorry for taking so long. Lots of senior stuff has been happening lately. Let me know what you think! Leave me a comment.
I wanted to believe you would win the war in your head that I did not understand...
Something moved quickly behind him. He couldn't see what it was, just a blur in the side of his vision but it was quick. He turned and stared at the empty doorframe. Sam ran out of the room towards the door with the screams of a woman echoing behind it.
Dean walked towards the door when he saw another blur escape his sight off to his left. He spun on his heel, but he didn't see the living room he was standing in. The world went gray and faded, color was sucked right out of it. The familiar dampness filled his nose. Countless trees wider than his arm stood tall before him. Dean knew exactly where he was. That all too familiar adrenaline rush pumped through his veins as he walked, staring into every tree and bush.
"Sam," yelled Dean. But he knew Sam wasn't there. But then again, how could he be here?
Leaves crunched under his boots. The cool air made his skin rise and that dampness... how he missed it. He pulled the fresh air through his nose deeply as he trudged along looking for nothing at all.
But then reality snapped back into his mind. "Sam!" shouted Dean. He began to walk faster through the forest, his eyes scanning over everything.
Something black pushed him against a tree. Dean lashed out and knocked it away. He rolled across the ground and tried to jump over a large fallen tree before the monster grabbed his jacket and pulled him back. The thing turned him around and forced Dean's back into the tree. Its face split into a large, gaping mouth full of razor sharp teeth and two long tongues.
Leviathan. Oh shit, thought Dean. He shut his eyes, not even willing to fight anymore. All of a sudden, a rough blade tore its way through the leviathan's neck. Its head and body fell to the ground with a thud. Where the monster stood was a familiar face.
"Hey, chief." Benny smiled at him.
"No, it can't be you. You're not real."
"Well, that's no way to say 'Hi.'"
"You're not real." Dean tore past Benny, rushing into the forest silently. Benny quickly followed.
"Come on, Dean, how long you gonna keep this up? Silent treatment for me? We got so much to catch up on."
Dean turned his head to look back. "Hey, it's good to see you. It is, okay, but like I said, you ain't Benny."
"I'm not?" asked Benny. "Shoot."
"Yeah, I'm bummed out too, but you're just a figment okay? You're some conscience junk that my brain is throwing up to distract me from getting back to reality."
"Figment? Junk? Well, I'll try not to be offended," joked Benny.
They walked some more. The trees began to all look the same, but Dean kept going. He had to get back to Sam.
"Why not trust me?" asked Benny. "Gotten you out of here before. Besides, if all I am is your subconscious junk, then how could I lead you wrong?"
Dean stopped. The trees blended together. He had been here before.
Benny laughed behind him. "Well, how 'bout that? A perfect circle." Dean turned around. "Don't look at me, chief. You chose the way."
Dean stepped forward. "Benny, whoever you are, I need to get out of here."
"It's all figment, right?" Benny walked over to the fallen tree and leaned back. "You, me, left, right. But no matter which way you turn, you keep endin' up here. You got to wonder, why this figment? Why this place?"
"What are you saying?"
"Nothing you don't already know." Benny smiled. "This is where you want to be. Your happy place, and you don't really want to leave."
Dean turned slowly around as Benny spoke. "In this place, you don't have to go lookin' for a fight. All you have to do is be still for one moment, and that fight will come to you. That's why you're here, Dean. That's pure you crave. Killing without consequence."
Dean shook his head "no" as he turned back around. "No, Benny, I don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired of fighting." He pushed past Benny.
"The Mark ain't." Dean stopped. "So, you don't want to leave, don't want to stay, bit of a bind, ain't it? Good thing there's alway a third way out." Benny lifted up his blade and twirled it in his hand. Dean turned. "You can't say you haven't been thinking about it."
"That ain't gonna happen. Ever."
"Come on, Dean. I know you can see it. The purity, the honor-"
"There's no honor in that."
"You just gonna wait for the Mark to reclaim you? Go out swingin'? Die topside? Then what? Maybe kill a few humans? Kill Cas?! Kill your brother?! Yeah, that's mighty honorable!"
"Shut up!" shouted Dean.
Every night, you wrote another line...
"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot 'bout your plan. You gonna get Sam and Cas to pull you down. You really think they're gonna keep that agreement? Come on. Dean, let's say they do. Do you think they will ever recover from that? It will ruin them. This little back up plan of yours, I know you've been thinking about it for a time. I know it's been gnawing at you." Benny paused for a moment. Dean breathed heavily through his nose. "You can't leave that job to them."
Nodding, Dean cleared his throat. "You're right."
"Out there, you're sleeping. You make the right choice in here, you'll sleep forever."
Dean looked up into the trees and what little gray sky he could see.
Benny spoke, "You won't ever hurt anyone ever again." Benny looked down at his feet and then raised his eyes to look at Dean looking up at the sky. "No one needs to know, Dean. What happens in Purgatory, stays in Purgatory." Benny held out his blade with a small smile written on his face.
Dean slowly raised his hand and took the blade. It didn't feel warm like he expected. It was ice cold, like glass. He turned around and walked slowly away, again looking into the trees and taking a deep breath. "I always did love it here. Seems good a place as any to call it a day, huh?" Benny nodded with a smile. Dean twisted the blade in his hands, looking over every bump and mark along its length. "I think it's time to call it a day."
"You're choice, chief."
Dean smiled. "I'm tired, Benny. You have no idea how tired I am."
"I know. I'm your subconscious junk afterall." He chuckled quietly.
Walking forward, Dean held out the blade to Benny. "I'm ready to sleep." Benny took the blade and twirled it in his hand.
"See ya, chief."
With a bloody, broken bottle…
Benny thrust the blade into Dean's stomach. Dean didn't feel anything. The world became alive again. The warm colors returned and he was standing in the living room. A broken bottle was in his hands. He tested its weight and laughed. He was ready to sleep. He pulled his sleeve up, exposing his forearm and dug the bottle into his arm, running the broken shards up and down his arm. Blood oozed out and ran down his hand. He fell back against a chair and tumbled to the floor. He laughed.
Why don't you pull the pin on that grenade, you coddle…
"Dean!" Sam's voice rang in his ringing ears. Sam rushed beside him, panic on his face. "What did you do?!"
"I'm tired, Sammy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I- I didn't want to hurt anyone else. Sammy-" His voice broke.
"Dean, no, no, no, no," mumbled Sam. "No, this can't be happening."
Rowena appeared in the doorway. "'Ello, Dean." She waved her hand like the Queen, and she smiled widely.
Dean didn't even acknowledge her, he just stared at his brother. He made it back to him and now he was finally going to get some sleep.
Sam shook Dean's shoulders violently. "Dean!" Dean's eyelids were heavy and beginning to droop. "Dean, you got to stay awake, buddy. You got to stay awake."
Rowena giggled at the sight of a grown man nearly in tears. "Samuel, you're making me a wee bit emotional. Tis a sad sight indeed," she said sarcastically.
"You." Sam faced Rowena with tears brimming in his eyes. "You have to heal him. I know you can."
"And what makes you think I would want to help a Winchester. Especially that one." She pointed at Dean.
"'Cause if you don't," he pulled out his gun and cocked it. "You won't see the day you get your hands on the Codex. Now, heal him. NOW!"
Raising her hands in surrender, Rowena stepped forward and knelt next to Sam. She placed a hand on Dean's hand.
"I don't want him to remember any of this," said Sam.
"What?"
"I don't want him to remember what he must have saw and what he did. None of it."
Rowena rolled her eyes. "He's your brother, not mine. Vos vere circumspexisset huc usque."
The wounds on Dean's arm began to heal, the flesh stitching itself back together, the glass embedded in the cuts fell into his lap. The blood stains on his clothes and on the carpet faded until there was nothing left. It was like it never happened at all. Rowena disappeared into thin air.
Dean stirred. He opened his eyes and blinked a few times. "Sammy," he whispered hoarsely.
"Hey, Dean, how you feeling?"
"Like crap. What the hell happened." He rubbed the back of his head.
"The spell. Right before I opened the box, I guess it gave one last push. It must have knocked you unconscious. You remember anything?"
Eyes squinted in thought, Dean shook his head. "No, not really."
Sam smiled and reached into his pocket and pulled out the Codex.
"I'll be damned." Dean chuckled.
"Come on, let's get you home. You look like crap." Sam stood and helped pull Dean to his feet.
Sam pulled one arm around Dean to keep his steady. They walked towards the front door, Dean beaming at finally getting a good break, Sam falling deeper into that pit inside himself. He knew Dean was in a bad place.
Now he knew just how bad it was.
Struggling to stand, with your head in your hands…
A stoic last stand of a dying man
I did not understand...
I did not understand.