Chapter Four
Alternative Reality II.
His life seems to drift on. A series of hospital beds and visitors who come and go. His life is a line of dashes, faintly italicized… because nothing… nothing can follow Atlantis…
When John leaves the Daedalus, Caldwell says his goodbyes. And Caldwell tells him he should count his blessings… or words to that effect… yeah…
A military ambulance takes him from Cheyenne Mountain to Petersen. Carson accompanies him and his other patients to ensure they settle in. And then Carson departs, taking a post in Africa. Aid work. Somehow, helping those most in need, like helping the planet communities in Pegasus, getting back to basics, answers his call to service to humanity more… Jenny, John doesn't see. She returns to Canada. Taking bereavement leave. Carson says though, he doubts she'll ever return to work for Stargate. And Radek surprises everyone by leaving the Stargate programme too. And Carson believes he's to take a University place somewhere, but doesn't know where.
John gets transferred to Palo Alto, the veteran's hospital in California. Soon realising that his injuries are nothing compared to other guys... but is that what he is now? A veteran?
Mealtimes and afternoons and evenings with Lorne come to an end.
Three weeks into his stay there, Lorne appears in full dress uniform. Wearing the badge of a Colonel. He's apologetic. He's known some time. He didn't want to say. Probably knowing that this might be hurtful to John whose future is still one big question mark. Lorne's going home to his folks for a month and then resuming duties at Stargate Command with his own Team.
General O'Neill visits and he says he's sorry… 'This is one helluva kick in the gut…' Everyone says they're sorry…
'I've got a place for you on my staff in Washington… you know that… you only have to say…' John refuses. He doesn't think he could stand an office job. It was the basis of all the arguments with Nancy and why their marriage broke up. Wouldn't seem right to go back on that now. And he hasn't changed. His life might have changed but he hasn't. He still wouldn't want to moulder behind a desk. 'Well, you know, when old age gets to you… its all there is…' says the General, 'and... you get time off to go fishing…'
Sam visits. And she reminisces. She was missing Atlantis already before this all happened. She was missing the girl talks with Teyla. She misses being in awe of Ronon. She misses the pain in the butt called Rodney… Did Sheppard know that Rodney had a crush on her once? And she smiles remembering… and sometimes he can do that too… sometimes there are happier memories… popcorn and movies… sparring with Teyla and Ronon… banter with Rodney… but sometimes… it's the happier memories that hurt the most…
'I can't believe it… I just can't believe that they're all gone… so many good men…' says Sam.
His brother visits… and says he's sorry too… he's been told it was an accident… and his brother says he could still sue because even the military have to take responsibilities for the welfare of staff… and John says 'cool it' and then David asks, with genuine concern, because he knows that John might get discharged out of the Air force, and David knows how much it means to John to carry on flying… 'what will you do?'
'I dunno… open up a surf shack out on the coast somewhere…' because he knows it will wind his brother up… and suddenly it doesn't seem like such a bad idea, anyway… 'A beach bum! You really want to make the old man turn over in his grave!'
Jeanie Miller visits. And its tearful. And this time its John that says he's sorry. He's missed Rodney's memorial service. And it hurts when he remembers the hologram Rodney, when John went forward in time, 48,000 years, talking of the fate of the Atlantis crew, talking of yet another grave containing an empty casket... it feels like Rodney was almost predicting his own end... John says, he'll get up to Canada when he's well. And Jeanie has been good enough to include the names of Teyla Emmagan and Ronon Dex on Rodney's headstone.
She's shaking her head. 'They told me so very little… even though I've been there and signed all their damn secrecy papers… Can't you say?… Can't you tell me what happened?… He... he didn't… suffer?'
'No… no… it happened so quickly… he covered our backs for us…' And that's all he says because he still doesn't want to talk about it.
'They're going to give him a posthumous award for bravery… Did you know that?...' He did know that. It'd been him who'd put Rodney's name forward. 'I mean Rodney…who'd thought?'
'Yeah, Rodney…' because he's too choked to say more.
There are new faces too… a replacement for Lorne, someone to operate his TV remote, someone with an interest in football, someone to argue over football, and who can even play a mean game of chess. Markie. Called that simply because he was a good shot. In a wheelchair. Double amputee. And how can John possibly feel sorry for himself now…
'How did you…? You know…' he asks Markie.
'Like you, I guess, a roadside bomb. In Tekrit. Took our carrier out. I was the only survivor. Lost everyone…' And John could nearly feel guilty about that… while they were in Atlantis, guys on Earth were fighting a real war, making sacrifices, while they got to explore worlds through the Gate… but then… Replicators, Wraith, this newest arrival… all very real enemies.
And Markie had assumed John had received his injuries the same way. In Iraq.
'Where were you stationed?' probes Markie.
John smiles weakly. 'I'm not allowed to say.'
'Oh, mystery guy, huh? Special ops?'
'Yeah.' Because it seemed easier to admit to that.
'I'd put my name down for that myself… knew a lot of those guys… never came across you… but then Iraq's a big place… but you get Air Force visitors?... that's unusual…'
And John just smiles again. He's not saying.
The neurosurgeon visits. A guy by the name of Dr. Brown. Don't mind the uninspiring name the medical staff say… he's the best there is. He's slow and methodical. Removes the bandages on John's hands. John hates looking. He shouldn't feel so bad about his deformed hand , not when you consider Markie, but it's his hand that's gonna stop him from flying. He stares at the wall. Allows the doctor to prod and poke and manipulate his fingers… but he feels nothing… down one side of his hand and forearm and very little down the other, and can only marginally move his thumb and two nearest fingers…
'Right, I will take my findings away with me, Colonel, and look at the X rays again... but I have to be honest… despite the excellent work of Dr Beckett and others, the prognosis is not good… not from the point of view of remaining as an active member of the Air Force. ' It's his way of saying... flying... 'I'm booking you in for surgery tomorrow… I intend to re-route nerves to enable a greater sensitivity and motor control of the forefinger and thumb… to have the pincer movement will make that left hand more usable for you… but that is as much as we can aim to do… We'll get you behind the wheel of a car again, but the controls of a plane?…' and he shakes his head, 'that is out of the question… I'm sorry… '
Once his cast comes off, once his hip has healed and he can bear to put weight on it again, once his burns are almost scars, Markie and he do physio together. Markie gets fitted with his prostheses and its hard getting used to them. John finds the work outs welcome. It takes his mind off things and tires him out so he sleeps sound and doesn't dream. Sometimes...
He's shocked to discover how thin he's become and yeah, he sees the need to get some muscle tone back on. Gives him a goal. And yeah, his shrink, another new face, says that goals are important at the moment. But seeing a shrink isn't gonna get him anywhere…
It doesn't stop the dreams… the waking up in a cold sweat… the nightmares of falling towers that crash into the sea… of friends that call his name in the night… or John wandering through the destruction of Atlantis calling theirs… or waking shouting theirs… the names of Teyla, Ronon and Rodney echoing back in the darkness…
It doesn't stop the dreams of the circling crying aschatee that has nowhere to go…
AR. I.
Rodney goes to the door. Teyla's door. His hand poised over the button.
Then…
No. No. He can't do this. He just can't do this.
He paces a circle round the corridor. A hand over his mouth. That he lowers instantly as a marine passes by giving him odd looks. Smiles weakly and turns back to the wall. He doesn't want anyone to see his face… Big boys don't cry… Commanders don't cry… And punches one fist into the other over and over.
He has to do this. Has to. He's Commander, isn't he? It's what commanders do, isn't it? The rough with the smooth. All part of the job… except suddenly it's all rough. It's his duty as Commander… it's his duty as friend… but his heart is tight in his chest… and all he wants to do is find some quiet corner and come to terms with this himself…
He faces that button, leans on the wall with his forehead, suddenly faint, and then, steeling himself, he raises his hand finally.
He hears Teyla say enter and his stomach lurches. He's sure he's going to be sick.
The door slides open and Teyla is working at the small kitchenette preparing baby food. She looks up, smiling, pleased to see him.
"Rodney!" He looks away. He doesn't trust himself. He knows he's going to chicken out. "Rodney? Are you... ill? You seem very pale." At least, she hasn't noticed that his eyes are moist.
"Me? Stomach playing me up a little. It's... er... nothing..." He coughs, surprising himself that he has found his voice, and thumps his midriff. And it's not far wrong. His stomach's churning.
"Nothing?" And now she's concerned, because Rodney never says 'it's nothing' and mentions an illness. Not in the same sentence. "You should let me prepare you some tea for that…"
Tagan, on a play mat makes a chortling noise and suddenly throws a toy plane, squealing. It makes Rodney jump but all the child wants is for Uncle Rodney to go fetch.
"Tagan! Do not be so loud!" admonishes his mother, but Tagan is pointing madly.
It's their little game. And Rodney always obliges. Even if he feels like the family pet dog. Even if the boy is too much like his father and it's just one big tease to see how far he can push Rodney. Rodney's too happy to do this and not complain. This is family.
But Rodney can't do it. Not this time.
"Tagan go get it himself," says Ronon from the couch. And he too is sensing that something is wrong.
And the child is off on all fours, scrambling across the floor to retrieve his own toy.
"Look at JJ, Rodney…" says Teyla fondly, "I am about to feed him and then he decides to take a nap."
Ronon had been holding him, and now the Satedan is sprawled out with the baby sleeping peacefully on his broad chest.
How can Rodney do this? How can Rodney break up this happy domestic scene? How can Rodney destroy all this? But it's been done already… and not by him…
"He looks so much like his father when he is asleep… There is still no news?" And she glances up from her preparations.
Rodney looks at her now.
And in that split second, she understands the look...
"John?... No… No... Not John…"
She sits abruptly on a counter stool. Places the cloth and the spoon she was holding carefully on the counter top. Staring back at him. Her face already crippled by sorrow.
"I'm sorry…" he falters, and that's as far as words will take him… He's practiced speeches, but none of that will come out. And he's not sure… should he go and comfort Teyla?... And he allows his hands to flap uselessly at his sides.
And Ronon. Gingerly stands, so as not to disturb JJ and gently lays the baby in his crib. He turns, standing to his full height, serious.
"Tell us," he says and glances at Teyla , and then goes over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder. She doesn't respond to the gesture. She's still in a state of shock.
"General Lantry…" Rodney watches Tagan. The child is concentrating, pushing cars around the mat, contented and oblivious to the drama unfolding around him. Rodney's not sure again. Should he be saying this in front of the boy. What if subconsciously he understands? Will it scar him for life? All these thoughts come rushing in, uninvited, but he has to push them away… he has to explain… "He says it was an accident." Rodney goes to sit on the couch, suddenly not trusting his legs, because he can see it all now in his head… imagine how it all happened… and he's turning his hands over and over again… like some operatic singer, wringing out the grief… he knows it must look melodramatic… so he tries to stop…
"They were looking into something? He and Woolsey? Turns out that 'something' was highly confidential… Woolsey must have used some old security code of his to input… Lantry doesn't know the details… IOA took over the investigation… the two were arrested…"
He hears Teyla gasp.
And Ronon frowns. "This can't be… John... Woolsey… The IOA must know they would never do anything dishonest."
"Whatever they were doing, for whatever reason, was illegal. They were playing with fire… They were put into separate cells to await questioning. I imagine it could have all been sorted out. But Woolsey suffered his heart attack then. And John…"
"No…" murmurs Teyla.
"Apparently when the guards went into his cell in the morning… I'm sorry…" He's choking on his words suddenly. He had been strong to that point but can't be now.
"Tell us, tell us what happened," urges Ronon tightly. And it's probably as well there's a whole galaxy between Pegasus and Earth, because Rodney knows that voice and it means revenge and anger and threat.
And if this is agony for Rodney… then what must it be like for Teyla? Who's quiet… too quiet.
And Tagan carries on chattering to his cars, blissfully unaware… it shouldn't be like this… shouldn't be like this… they all deserved better…
He wipes his eyes and takes a deep breathe.
"When the guards went in, he attempted… he attempted escaping." It was lunacy, where would Sheppard have gone? It'd been lunacy to go through secret files but this had been more so. Even Lantry had expressed disbelief but he had seen the video from the surveillance camera. It'd confirmed it all… "There was a struggle… the guards tried to stop him… a gun went off… I'm sorry… Teyla… I'm sorry..."
"No. No. No." And Teyla turns and buries her face into Ronon's shirt and Ronon hugs her… his face… trying to control his own grief… as Teyla sobs. "No… not John… not John…"
And Rodney feels he wants to go and hug her too. And Tagan has fallen quiet and is looking at his mother curiously. So Rodney gets down on all fours and tries to distract him and to get him to play again. And Tagan feels happy about that… and Rodney wants to hug the boy too… because he will never know his father… And Rodney's eyes flood with tears now…
And Teyla pulls herself away from Ronon suddenly and stands. Though confused, not knowing what to do next. Wiping her eyes. "I mustn't… not in front of Tagan." Rodney would expect that. Would expect her to be brave about all of this no matter how much she is hurting inside.
And Rodney stands also, feeling useless… but he can't alter what has happened… he wishes he could but he can't… He goes over to the other two and hesitates, and then awkwardly offers to put his arms around them. And Ronon invites him into the embrace and the three stand there, silently consoling one another…
-oAo-