I decided to start right away, so here is the next chapter.
Chapter 4: Stand on Shaky Ground
Lily hadn't been spotted any where except the library, and the Great Hall. Her roommates claimed her bed was unmade some mornings, and the bathroom was usually already moist when they entered, so they assumed she came at night and left early, too busy with studying and prefect duties. James knew better. He could see the confusion, the pain, the guilt. It all rested in her eyes. Her usual spark was gone, dulled by something he couldn't place. He wanted to help. He desperately wanted to save her.
"Lily?" He said hesitantly one day as they left the classroom of the last class of the day. "Can I talk to you please?" He didn't know what he expected, but he certainly didn't expect her to burst into tears and run away. "Lily! Lily, wait!" He yelled chasing after her.
When he caught up to her, he grabbed her wrist, pulling her to an abrupt stop. She tried to shake him off, but it was in vane. "Lily, please stop, I just want to talk." He said soothingly, but she just kept crying. "Lily, please, tell me what's wrong, I'm worried about you." He said softly.
"I-I'm sorry." She sobbed.
"Lily! You don't have anything to be sorry for! You always run away when I try to talk to you." He said with a weak grin, but his attempt to lighten the mood did nothing, and he felt at a loss. "Please tell me what's wrong." He whispered as he pulled her into a hug. One hand buried in her hair, the other around her waist, pulling her close to his chest, close to his heart, where she belonged.
"I ca-can't" She whimpered.
"Why not? Is someone forcing you to keep quiet, because I swear to Godric I will kill them with Sirius's beaters bat, and he will help." He said firmly.
"You'd hate me if I told you." She said weakly.
"Never." He said confidently.
"You'd hate him." She said softly, and there was genuine pity in her voice.
"What do you mean?" James said, worry in his voice. "Did-? Lily, if someone attacked you, you need to tell me right now, and then we need to tell a teacher." He said angrily, yet calmly. "That kind of attack is unacceptable, and unforgivable." He growled.
"I like Sirius!" Lily cried. James's heart shattered.
"Yo-you what?" He asked brokenly, shock and awe setting on his face, contorting the anger from seconds ago into hurt.
"I like him, I can't help it! He drives me mad, and when I kissed him in the library-" It all just came out, and relief mixed in with the guilt that had been plaguing her for weeks.
"You kissed?" James spoke, but it was closer to a whimper.
"No!" Lily insisted. "I kissed him, he pushed me away." She said dejectedly, but soothingly.
"Him? Yo-you like him?" James asked in completely confused shock.
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
"It-it's okay, you have nothing to be sorry for." James said with a weak smile, trying to regain his barrings, searching desperately for his Gryffindor courage.
"Yes I do!" She screamed. "I am a bad person James Potter! I've shunned you all these years, even though you've been unwavering, and so sweet." James flinched at a few memories of her rougher turn downs. "I tell you I could never be with someone like you, and what have I gone and done? Fallen for your best friend! You deserve so much better James! So much better than me. I'm worthless. I'm a selfish, worthless, conceded mud-"
"Don't you ever say that word!" James fumed. "Lily, I don't want to say this to you, but shut up!" Lily squeaked, but did as he said. James's eyes softened, and he somehow looked older when he looked at her again with so much love in his eyes. "Lily, you're the most beautiful, amazing, brilliant, perfect, imperfect, special girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. If anything you deserve better than me. Lily, as the year has progressed, I've worried that maybe you wouldn't choose me in the end, and I came to terms with the fact that you deserve the very, very best of the best, and perhaps that's not me. I want you to be happy, and I can't bare to see you like this; sad, confused, guilty, all the time, it's killing me. If-" He took a deep breath. "If Sirius makes you happy, and you both want to be together, I shouldn't be a factor. As desperately as I want to be selfish, and as desperately as I want to be a factor in your happiness, I don't want to be the factor that prevents it." He finished looking her right in the eye.
"James?" Lily asked, her voice much stronger than before.
"Yes?" He asked, his eyes gaining their sparkle.
"I'm going to kiss you now."
"Wha-?"
Lily's lip crashed on his in a rough attack that he was not expecting. Even though she had to pull on his shirt to bring him down, she was still on her tippy toes, but somehow she was in complete control. James sighed into the kiss, forgetting everything else except the sweet girl in his arms. He kissed her back with equal passion, but it wasn't rough like her's, it was loving, lustful. And though he wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment forever, he suddenly came back to himself, and realized that this was his first kiss with Lily, and it was tainted by the salt from her previous tears, and her confession about his friend.
"Lily, wait." He said pulling away, holding her by the shoulders firmly. "This..." He searched for words as he looked into her dazzling eyes. "This isn't right. You like him, and I-I can't be compensation. I love you, Gods I love you, but I can't have you and lose you, it'll kill me." He said earnestly, pleading with his eyes for her to understand.
"I-I understand." She said weakly, tears welling in her eyes.
"Please don't cry Lils, I'm begging you. Because if you cry, I can't say no, and I'm afraid I'll do something we'll both regret." He said. Lily composed herself, wiped her eyes, shook the moment off of her, and stepped out of his arms. James wanted her back there, but he knew the loss was smaller than if she stayed.
"You're right." She said firmly, collecting herself into the proud Gryffindor lioness she always was. "I'm sorry about that, I really needed a shoulder, so thank you." She said, but James couldn't place her emotion. "You're a really great friend James Potter, and I hope we can be friends in the near future." She smiled at him, and suddenly everything was okay again.
"Anything you want darling." He said with his usual bright smile. Lily nodded once and then turned around and left, sending a wave and a smile over her shoulder. Before she was out of hearing range, James called out to her one last time.
"I meant what I said, be happy Lily!" He yelled, even though it felt like throwing his own heart down the hall way.
"James, what's wrong? You've been avoiding me all day!" Sirius complained when he noticed James wolfing down his dinner, and avoiding eye contact. "You came into the dorm all weird last night, saying it was nothing and then smiling like a loon, and now you're avoiding me!" He said irritatedly.
"I'm not, really, I'm fine, everything's fine." James said in a voice that clearly stated that he wasn't fine. His voice was high and squeaky and all around unnatural.
"Then what is with that voice?" Sirius exclaimed.
"What voice? Nothing is wrong with my voice, because nothing is wrong. See you later, I'm all finished." He said hurriedly as he got up to leave. James rushed out of the Great Hall, zooming towards a secret passage so as not to be found. Before he got there however, another body tackled him.
"Damn it Prongs!" Sirius exclaimed flipping James over so that he was straddling him and looking him in the eye. "What's going on?" He demanded.
"Noth-"
"And don't say nothing, because I'm your best mate and I know it's not nothing!" He said again, but there was more worry and a lot less harshness. His eyes pleaded for James to talk to him.
"Really Padfoot, it's no big deal." James whispered, looking away from Sirius's earnest and desperate eyes.
"Is it about...what I told you?" Sirius asked nervously. Did Jame not want to be his friend any more? Was he afraid he would take the mark? James's head snapped up.
"Of course not! Sirius, I trust you with my life, I lo-"
"Then why wont you talk to me?" Sirius interrupted. He couldn't hear James say those words to him. James looked away again.
"I don't want to talk about it." James mumbled.
"Well I can't take it any more! You're worrying me James." Sirius's voice was angry, but filled with worry.
"You don't have to talk about it!" James lashed back, fury in his eyes as they met Sirius's. "Isn't that what you told me all those weeks ago? You opened up for a second, but when I wanted to help, you rejected me! When I wanted to know what they had on you so I could protect you, you said, 'I don't want to talk about it.'" James said in a mock of Sirius's voice. "Isn't that right, Mr. Secrets?" James asked, a bite in his voice.
"What are you talking about, Mr. Secrets? What is going on?" Sirius looked completely gobsmacked.
"I talked to Lily yesterday okay?" James yelled, but it came out choked. Sirius slumped.
"James, please, please, I'm sorry, I should have told you, don't hate me, please don't hate me." Sirius cried. James looked surprised.
"I don't hate you, she's brilliant, and beautiful, and I'm happy that you both have found happiness, especially in these shite times." James said staring at the ceiling. "I love you both so much, and the last thing I want is for you two to be unhappy." He mumbled.
"What? What are you saying? I'm not with her! She kissed me, I pushed her away! I'm your best mate." Sirius said reassuringly, but his last statement was weak, as if it might not be true much longer.
"I know, that's why I want you to be happy with her." James said in a simple way as if it were obvious. "She likes you, and if she likes you and you like her, you should be together, I don't want my feelings to get in the way of that." He said seriously.
"What about my feeling?" Sirius exclaimed.
"Are you saying you don't like her?" James asked nearly smirking.
"I..." Sirius couldn't answer. "I do like her." He confessed eventually. "But I love you." He said tenderly. Sirius didn't know what gave him the courage to say the words aloud to James, maybe it was the fear of more distance between them, maybe it was the fact that keeping secrets had landed him in the very place he was in at that moment. He couldn't keep James in the dark. Clearly James only knew half of the story.
"James?" Sirius started hesitantly. "I want to tell you something." He continued. "But not here, it needs to be in private." He mumbled looking at his fiddling hands.
"Well, I can't exactly move if you're on top of me." James said attempting humor, but it only made Sirius blush. He climbed off of James and took a few steps back.
"Come on, let's go to the kitchens, it's always easier to talk over a warm butter beer." James said softly, but he didn't look at Sirius. Sirius nodded unnecessarily, and followed James in silence to the entrance of the kitchens.
No one spoke until they were seated at a small table in the back, butter beers in hand, each with a different expression. Sirius looked guilty and nervous, swirling his drink uncomfortably and fidgeting without making a sound. James looked contemplative, patient, simply waiting for Sirius's next move.
"I-" He began, but stopped, rethinking his words. "It's hard to talk about." He supplied, but James's eyes said they would be talking about it any way. Sirius sighed audibly, laying his head back to look at the ceiling, unable to meet James's eyes. "I'm in love with you." He finally confessed. He spoke simply, but his words had an underlying feel of defeat and sadness. James's eyes grew impossibly wide, but Sirius wasn't watching him. He was thinking about all the times they had all been together, about how strong of a unit he had just broken.
"It's funny, isn't it?" He said, still not looking in James's direction. He smiled, but the humor was sad. He turned up to meet James's shocked stare. "I'm in love with you, you're in love with Lily, and Lily likes me. It's a cycle of unrequited crap." He sat back once more, dropping the smile, trading it for a pensive look. "Maybe I wasn't meant for love." He said simply.
"Don't sa-" James interrupted hastily, but Sirius stopped him with a raised eyebrow and a questioning smirk.
"It's true though, isn't it? I don't deserve anyone, because I'll always need someone else, it's in my sick twisted nature." He said with a shrug, but the sentence was anything but nonchalant.
"I-I don't understand." James said, and the look on his adorable, boyish face, so filled with innocents made Sirius laugh. It was sad, but there was some humor in it.
"No, I don't suppose you would." Sirius said with a small smile. "Not you. You're too good, too pure. All you want is Lily, all you've ever wanted is Lily, and your sexuality being what it is, you would never want anything more. You're not selfish James, you're good." Sirius said with a smile. He reached his hand across the table to comfort James who looked hesitant and confused. Half way across the table, he thought better of it and pulled it back, realizing that things couldn't be like that any more. He could never pat James on the back after Quidditch, he couldn't rub his shoulders when he was tense from studying, he could never hug him when he cried... Suddenly Sirius realized what he had done to their friendship, and the room felt too small. His eyes burned with unshed tears, and his mouth felt too dry. He had to get out. He stood abruptly, startling James.
"I-I have to go." Sirius managed, a nervous guilt plaguing his face. He made to move around the table, stumbling slightly in his haste.
"Wh-what? No, we-we've barely discussed anything!" James whined.
"What's there to discuss? I'm bisexual, I'm in love with my best mate, and now there's a girl thrown in the mix, but she likes the wrong bloke! Not only that, but are we even best mates now?"
"Of course we-"
"Oh come on James." Sirius said with a roll of his eyes. "Do you really think we can still be friends? You can barely look me in the eye! Nothing's going to be the same! How are you going to feel every time I walk in while you're changing? Or when we talk late at night? I fucked it up, alright?" Sirius said angrily, his voice firm and serious.
"But, but, I lo-"
"Stop saying that!" Sirius barked taking a step towards James. "How can you possibly still say those words?" He hissed. James eyes brimmed with tears.
"You never let me say them any way!" He yelled petulantly, standing as well, refusing to be intimidated. "You never except my feelings, because you're too afraid of your own! Well I'm not afraid, Sirius Black!" He said with confidence infused with anger.
"Of course you're not! You have nothing to be afraid of!" Sirius exclaimed in frustration.
"What are you saying? Of course I'm afraid! I'm afraid of losing my best friend in the entire world! I'm afraid of you not being happy! I'm afraid that if I don't say those words every day, then they won't be said, and we'll all die one day, and you'll never know how loved you are!" Sirius was taken aback. He suddenly felt ashamed of his cowardice.
"I-I'm sorry." He said, and without thinking drew James into a hug. Realizing his error, he tried to pull back, but James had already encased him in his own arms.
"Nothing has to change." James mumbled into his shoulder. Sirius's eyes widened and grew watery, but instead of crying, he simply pulled Jame closer to himself, pressing their bodies together in a gentle, but firm embrace. They stayed that way for Merlin knows how long, before James pulled back slightly, smiling up at Sirius who returned the look weakly. He wanted so desperately to believe James, but he knew things had changed. They separated, and James took his seat again, and Sirius realized the discussion wasn't over. Sirius let out a sigh, but it was a little bit amused. He took his seat and gave James a silly look, which made James smile.
"So, how long have you been bisexual?" James asked, jumping right in.
"Lily asked the same thing when she found out." Sirius said with a goofy smile, before he realized what he had said. "Er, I-"
"Lily knew before me?" James asked looking hurt.
"It wasn't my choice! She caught me in the library with-" Sirius cut himself off, he wouldn't rat out Remus ever again. "With a boy." He finished. James calmed down a bit, after all it wasn't as if his friend had chosen Lily over him to trust.
"So, since when?" James asked again.
"I'll tell you what I told her." Sirius answered with a shrug. "I guess I've always been bisexual, but I only started hooking up with blokes last year." He answered. Jame eyes grew doe like.
"A whole year? You've kept this a secret for an entire year?" He asked. Sirius cursed his sweet voice. "Wait..." James continued thoughtfully. "Is that what your parents are mad about?" James asked incredulously.
"Of course. I like a Muggle-Born, and I'm in love with a Blood Traitor. Add on that you're a bloke and you've got a recipe for pureblood supremacy to the max." Sirius said lightly.
"I never knew it was such a big deal to like blokes." James said innocently.
"If you can't produce an heir, what's the point?" Sirius said as explanation.
"Oh." Was all James could say to that.
"Do you have any more questions?" Sirius asked.
"Um, I guess..." James hesitated. "That is... What are your plans as far as Lily goes?" He asked, looking shyly into Sirius's eyes.
"I don't have any plans, you're my best mate, I like her, but even if I wasn't in love with you I wouldn't try anything." Sirius said as if the answer was obvious. He couldn't help the tiny smile that tugged on his lips. He could say the words any time now, it wouldn't make a difference. Sirius snapped back to the present when he saw the look of guilty sadness on James's face. "What is it?" Sirius asked with concern.
"It's just..." James began. "I really want her to be happy." He said.
"Then make her fall in love with you!" Sirius said.
"She won't fall for me, she's already fallen for you." James said looking Sirius in the eyes, pleading for help.
"What are you saying?" Sirius asked suspicion lacing his words and his face. James sighed in defeat.
"I want you to be with each other." He started. Sirius made to interrupt, but James raised a hand to silence him. "She deserves the best, Sirius. She deserves whatever makes her happy, and that's you, not me. It'll hurt for a long time, but...I can't keep letting my emotions control everything. She's been so crushed since you two kissed, she feels rejected and guilty, and it's killing me to watch it eat her up." He said, his eyes pleaded for Sirius to understand, but he was met by horror and sadness.
"I-I can't!" Sirius exclaimed abashed. "She knows I'm in love with you for starters, and besides that there's the fact that I'm a danger to her whole bloody race! Even associating with me is bad for her. I'm sure Bella or Regulus would tell my mum if I was with a Muggle-Born in a serious relationship, and of course that would end badly, very badly." He emphasized when James made to speak.
"Just run away!" James yelled. "It'd be best for everyone if you just came to live with me!"
"James, I know you want her to be happy, but I can't put your parents our like that, and after everything I've told you, I thought you would understand that I can't be with Lily anyway! It wouldn't be fair to her, not with me being the way I am."
"What does that have to do with anything?" James asked, but seeing the hurt look on Sirius's face he elaborated. "I mean, if you're bisexual, than you still like girls, so what should it matter." Sirius looked angry.
"How about the fact that I'm in love with you? Or that fact that one gender will never satisfy me, even if it is Lily." He fumed, though his voice softened when he said her name. James conceded with a sigh of utmost disappointment, tinged with a bit of regret.
"You're right, I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do!" James said, his voice sounding thwarted.
"It's not up to you." Sirius said, placing a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "All you can do is be a good friend. Show her your compassion, she'll need it. She's confused, give her time to figure out where she stands."
"Where does she stand?" James asked.
"Only time will tell I guess." Sirius said with a shrug. James looked at him pointedly, making Sirius sigh and roll his eyes. "I like her, but it can't amount to anything, so I guess she stand no where." He conceded.
"She kissed me when I told her you two could be together without worrying about me." James said with little emotion, though Sirius nearly fell out of his chair.
"She what?" He questioned in disbelieve. "Then why in Godric's name are we sitting here right now! You should be snogging in the common room as we speak!" Sirius rushed to get up, but James grabbed his arm as he tried to pass. "What's the matter with you?" Sirius asked with furrowed brows. "She's all you've ever wanted!" He exclaimed.
"I'm not everything she's ever wanted." James replied simply. Sirius looked guilty and crestfallen as he slowly sat back down.
"She'll come around soon mate, I swear." Sirius said comfortingly. "She's just going through that phase. You know, the one where she wants the mysterious bad bloke with a secret she knows, all the good girl go through it until they realize we'll never change." He said with a shrug. He smirked slyly. "And once they realize that we're not the right guy for them, they run into the arms of the guy they wanted all along." He said with a wink. James perked up, smiling. Things were getting back to normal, nothing had changed, it was just different circumstance.
"With a few grand gestures and pranks along the way." James added.
"Of course!" Sirius said jovially. They hugged after that, before making their way back to the dorm.
Sooo... Did you like it? I worked really hard on it, but I get if you comment that it moved too fast...