Where Words Fail

Book Six: It's All or Nothing

Bonus Chapter 1: Do you remember the night, when the sky was so dark, and the moon shone so bright?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is a fan fiction - nothing more, nothing less. It has been made purely for entertainment purposes, and is not meant for commercial gain. Avatar: The Last Airbender and all characters, places and concepts are copyright of Nickelodeon, Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. All original characters are copyright their respective owners and are used with their permission.

SCENE DIVIDE

I was the youngest of four children in my family.

My eldest brother - Jiege - was my hero when I was a kid; he stood tall, proud, already an ensign in the Fire Nation navy by the time I first learned how to play hide and explode. He was the pride of the family, really, the firstborn son, the man with no shadows to live in and a destiny to forge. He was away more often than not - he was older than me by ten years! - spending most of his time at sea, at war, doing his part to spread the glory of the Fire Nation, just like we'd been taught in school. When he was on shore leave, though...when he came to visit, none of that followed him home, the prestige, the command, the potential to set even greater standards. Once he set foot through the gate bordering our property, Ensign Jiege of the Fire Navy became my big bro. He'd tell us about his campaigns at dinner, yeah - but he didn't sit there and droll on about it like teachers did. From him, his experiences weren't a history lesson; he weaved tapestries out of them, made them big and bright and colorful for the rest of us.

When we weren't eating, he would play with us, teach us, support us - nobody picked on chubby old Sheng when Jiege was around, and only partially because of his physical presence. Jiege inspired me to be courageous when I was frightened, to do the right thing even if it meant doing the hard thing. He helped me walk tall when he was home.

All of that - it's what inspired me to go into the military myself, as it probably did my sisters before me, though I can't speak for them. I wanted to have Jiege's strength, the same success as he had, to be able to tell my own stories to my children as if they were watercolored scrolls, of how I had gone many places and seen many things and spread so much glory to a world that just didn't know any better.

It wasn't that easy, though. Jiege had huge boots to fill.

He and my two older sisters all chose to pursue naval careers; when it came time for me to enroll (my parents had been expecting me to, after three of their children had already done), I instead chose the army - because as much as I admired Jiege, I wanted my stories to be mine alone, and maybe one day I'd even be able to impress Jiege with things he hadn't experienced, hadn't even known about. I could do that in return for inspiring me like he had.

Before the military, though, Jiege would write letters home, frequently - at least one every two weeks when possible. But those letters were for the entire family - they felt special, yes, but they were nothing compared to what followed after joining the army. My older brother still sent the letters, but he'd started sending ones to me, me personally; those letters, they were truly special, because even though Jiege wasn't there to help keep me courageous, his words would pick me up and make my spine go straight. It made bearable my being part of the army - of being a tremendous loser, a pale, flabby excuse for a soldier who, with every passing day, had difficulty remembering what was so glorious about this work, and what we were doing to the Earth Kingdom's people. If I lost sight of my purpose, he would remind me of it, even if unintentionally. He would always lead off his letters with, "how are things on your end of the war?" and I would always respond, "Fine, nothing unusual," and then all formalities got cast aside. It didn't matter if it was from a naval officer to a lowly corporal; even though the letter had been transported by Fire Nation military-grade messenger hawks, they were letters from my big bro. That was what made them important.

I wrote back, too - every day I got one of his letters, I would read it over and over, absorbing every character, every stroke of the brush, and could feel my cheeks and chest tingling. And once I had gotten my fill, had soaked in his love, I would write a response, just as sure to put the love back in without getting sappy. Jiege understood, he always did - he was good for that sort of thing. I would send them out the same day, if possible (sometimes it wasn't, and I couldn't help but feel like Jiege stood over my shoulder, tapping his foot and wondering what I was waiting for). But I would, and he would write me back and mention how he got my last letter and reply to everything I'd said in it, and...

It was wonderful. The highlight of my brief military career.

And then...she happened.

Jiege hadn't written in some time...had mentioned in his last letter how his unit had to go under communications blackout in order to successfully invade a stubborn island in the north, and that he would write back when the mission ended, for good or ill. I would read over his old letters, trying to scoop out any sort of morale boost I could from them, but even before the blackout, the seeping doubt of what my unit was doing - 'transporting Earth Kingdom slaves from one point to the next - gnawed at me. Jiege's letters were miracle workers, but they couldn't ease away my discomfort; his letters would say, 'it's a difficult post to secure! I'm very proud of you for getting it,' and at first that had bolstered me, but by the time we had captured Smellerbee, the words didn't carry the same impact anymore.

Her presence revolutionized the way I thought, and at the time - things had been moving so hectic, so fast - making the right choice, doing the hard thing, came natural, and Jiege only fleetingly entered my thoughts. In the deluge of rain and thought, with my peers and superiors brawling all around me, I freed the slaves we had captured and deserted my post, fleeing with the renegade girl with shaggy hair and a boyish figure.

It had happened so suddenly that I never had time to bring any of my brother's letters with me, and that was my one regret...but going into the viper's den as I was, I had to leave my entire identity behind me. No Fire Nation armor. No topknot. No Firebending, what feeble amount I had to my name. So of course the letters - every last one, I'd saved them all - wouldn't have been able to come along even if I had brought them with me from that garrison. It was too incriminating. Physical, written evidence that I was Fire Nation? Smellerbee had openly told me, many times, that the Freedom Fighters hated the Fire Nation to various degrees, but none with as much intensity as their leader, Jet. Word could absolutely not get out, because I was intent on making right and she believed me that much, and if any of them - especially Jet - found the truth, I would die. Simple as that.

Dying would be very bad things, so I chose to play along and suppress everything Fire Nation about me.

That - not unlike fighting against my waning faith in my country's army, sharing the glory tarnished from the war's actions - wasn't an easy feat, even in the face of what I had to gain. I'm not blind, but I'm proud of my heritage - proud to be Fire Nation, though the actions of my country shame me. But it was better to keep all of that locked away. I took a new name for myself - gone, Sheng of the Fire Nation Army, I was Spatula from that day out and I haven't let the title go since. I might not have been military anymore, I might have 'defected,' but I was still doing the right thing. I could just imagine Jiege's reaction...how, although he'd been proud before, he was full to bursting with the stuff now, how his youngest sibling was finally accomplishing something great, if even on a small scale and for the enemy. How I had done The Right Thing, made The Hard Choice, and even though it wasn't for my country, it was still impressive. He would love how I managed to step out of that massive shadow of his, that I had managed to become my own man.

The thoughts were all I had at that point. If Jiege sent out any further letters, the messenger hawks never found me. It was better that way, I guess, but I still missed my big bro. What tormented me the most though was what the military may have told him, told my parents - that their youngest son had become a deserter, had turned traitor and freed Earth Kingdom slaves before vanishing with a guerilla soldier. Jiege wouldn't know anything about my actions as a Freedom Fighter...only that I was a turncoat. When I let my thoughts wander to that sort of thing - my heart would turn on itself and start gnashing at my insides with razor-sharp teeth, and I had to shove them away and think of what might be, or else risk breaking down. And just as much as I shouldn't have received any letters, nor could I send any to him; the Freedom Fighters didn't have any messenger hawks, and it would be awfully suspicious if one happened to show up bearing a Fire Nation insignia on the message tube. Sneers already suspected me of foul play, and he was persistent; any evidence, even if it wasn't directly linked to me, would work against me.

The work I put into my redemption staved those snarling feelings off, though. I was doing something I loved! I was cooking, I was helping children my country had orphaned, and it didn't really matter what Jiege may actually have known at the time, I knew that if he ever found out the truth he'd have that pride for me, the pride I imagined him with.

So I guess it was fitting karma that it didn't last very long. I got found out. I had to Firebend! I didn't - there hadn't been any choice in the matter, it was either that, or...well. In any case, I'd sealed my fate. I ran away, ran from the Freedom Fighters - put them behind me.

I wasn't a survivalist, despite my time with the group - I was used to having my food brought from the nearest villages, or provided by the Freedom Fighters' hunters. I mostly wandered from one town to the next, always putting distance between myself and my former home, Hong Ye forest...wandering, alone, never quite sure of what to do, where to go. Back to the Fire Nation army? They wouldn't have had me even if I hadn't traded sides. It wasn't like I had been an asset to my unit. The good news was that I could at least start writing to my big bro again...and I did, once a week, mostly telling stories of that forest with leaves that stayed crimson all year long, of the ragtag group of children I had fed and played with, of the unique culture I'd become entangled with. At last, I did have my own colorful tales to weave, and although I didn't have any children or younger siblings, I loved sharing these stories with Jiege just as much as I would have otherwise.

I didn't know if any of those letters reached him. I never got any in return...at least, not for the two months I managed to stay on the road.

The Fire Nation found me eventually, working in the kitchen of a sick house - earning my redemption one bowl of soup at a time. I'm not entirely sure how they managed it, though I'd bet silver to copper that it was a fluke. One of my peers from the slaving unit had been promoted and moved about the Earth Kingdom, and he recognized me even though I'd become considerably trimmer, that my complexion had deepened and I'd kept my hair cropped short. That was all it took - he had me arrested right there on the spot, taken away from my job in shackles.

"Nothing personal," he'd said, fixing me with an honest shrug. "You're just going to make me look good on my next performance review."

Retrospectively, I have given him points for at least being truthful. At the time I was just too flabbergasted to do anything but sputter and hyperventilate.

Not long after, I found myself shuttled from one prison to the next - each one becoming more elaborate, more complex, more heavily secured. I was just a shabby excuse for a deserter! I wasn't worth my people's tax money. For all intents and purposes I should have been sent to one of those hole-in-the-ground places with rats and lice and cramped cells, but they kept bumping me up to jails that served as actual prisons for actual criminals. My old peer must have waxed poetic on the extent of my crimes (I guess I had aided a renegade in freeing over a dozen slaves and set in motion a coup that cost many other soldiers, both officers and enlisted, their lives), because after a chaotic, nauseating, disjointed trip, I got sent out to Pan Xing Island - the Fire Nation's third most well-guarded prison facility, following after the Boiling Rock and the Spiral Tower in the capital. We're talking a courtyard lined with high metal walls, eating meals in shifts, guards with special uniforms belying the import of the position they held, and going almost everywhere in shackles.

When the opportunity presented itself, when I'd finally settled down in Pan Xing, I wrote another letter to Jiege. It had been almost a year since I'd gotten his last one; I told him where he could find me...where he could send the messenger hawk, and that I doubted I would be going anywhere anytime soon, so he could take his time with the response. So unless I had been wrong about my big bro...if that imagined pride was just imagined and nothing more...no, it was better not to think about that sort of thing, just like it had been with the Freedom Fighters. Now I could at least say hello to him freely. Pan Xing may have had tight security, but they allowed correspondence.

So, imagine my surprise when, two weeks later, I got much more than a letter in return...