A/N- Did anyone else have issues receiving alerts and reviews this week? Cause I sure did!! I have to admit that I a little disappointed in the number of reviews (good or bad) I received for the last chapter… I'm not going to nag people to leave reviews but if you have a few minutes to spare please do leave a review, I like to know how I'm going… For those who have reviewed, thanks very much.

'And when it hit me

I could not think

I decided I should hide away

So I did, I did what I could, I did what I did

Because it was easy.'

It had been a week since Meredith had returned and whilst no one was openly ignoring her anymore, no one was speaking to her either. Except for Alex, who had been just wonderful. Meredith found herself appreciating his company more than she ever thought she could. At lunch they would sit together in the cafeteria, watching as the other interns pretended they weren't there or taking bets on who would be the first one to accidentally forget they were mad and say something to her. Alex was also being given the cold shoulder as he refused to join in on the 'freeze out Meredith' plan. Izzie had barely spoken a word to him all week.

At least everyone had managed to put their feelings aside whilst they were working. This even included Cristina, although Meredith suspected (and then Alex had confirmed) that Bailey had had strong words with them about getting over their 'childish crap' as she had called it, and reminded them that they were there to save lives and not to act like they were all still in high school. However despite this speech, Meredith had not been given a single case with Derek all week, which she strongly suspected was Bailey's doing, or Derek's, or probably both. They had even managed to successfully avoid each other which was not exactly part of Meredith's plan, but then again she had always been an avoider, and now she was a procrastinator too.

The thing was Meredith knew she didn't have much time, but she just couldn't face the thought of him rejecting her, not now. She needed to make things right with at least Izzie and George first, before she tried to tackle Derek. She needed their support. Actually she needed Cristina's support but she wasn't foolish enough to believe that things would become right between them any time soon. And so she avoided. She avoided the elevators, she avoided the on call rooms, she avoided any place she thought he might be, and apparently he was doing the same.

In fact throughout the whole week they had only seen each other twice, once on her first day back and once two days later, when she had foolishly called out for the elevator to be held without actually thinking about who might have been in it. He had glanced briefly at her and nodded, acknowledging her presence. She had nodded back even managing to say 'good morning Dr Shepherd'. He had replied with a simple 'Dr Grey', and another nod. It had been very professional, and very cold, and Meredith had felt a chill down her spine and she had to fight back the tears that were forming behind her eyes.

And now she found herself on her day off sitting alone in her room, somewhat afraid to go downstairs, because Izzie also had the day off and she didn't want another run in with her. Sighing she forced herself to get up; she walked slowly to the door and stuck her head round it. No sign of Izzie. Well she had to eat something soon, even though she didn't really get hungry anymore…

When she tiptoed into the kitchen 5 minutes later she came face to face with Izzie who had just finished baking a batch of blueberry muffins.

'Hi' Meredith mumbled. Izzie just looked at her.

'I'm sorry Izzie.' Meredith said. She had decided to take advice Derek had given her long ago when she had been fighting with George. He had said that she had to apologize over and over again until she got through. So that's what she was going to do, one by one if she had to.

'I didn't know you had today off.' Izzie said, placing the muffins on a plate. 'I'll go.'

'How long are you going to keep this up Iz?' Meredith said softly. Izzie looked at her, then down at the plate of muffins in front of her. She didn't answer, but then again she didn't walk away either which gave Meredith some hope. 'How many times do I have to say I'm sorry? I know I hurt you, I get that, but can you understand even just a little bit why I left the way I did?'

Izzie looked back at her.

Meredith sighed and turned away, heading back to her room.

'Tell me what happened with your mother Meredith.'

Meredith froze, and seriously considered bolting to her room. She really didn't want to talk about it. But Izzie had the right to ask, and had the right to know, and if talking about it meant that she might get Izzie's friendship back then she would force herself to talk about it.

'Did Cristina and Derek really kill her?'

Meredith turned around and sank down into one of the kitchen chairs. 'No they didn't. I don't think. Not directly anyway.'

'Tell me what happened.' Izzie asked in a small voice.

'I don't really know the full story, I never asked. I was too angry and hurt and upset to ask for the full story. I don't think I really wanted to know.' Meredith ran her hand through her hair. 'I should have asked. Things might have ended differently if I had asked.' Things could have ended more differently than any of them realized, but Meredith didn't want to think about that too much.

'When did you find out she had died?' Izzie asked.

'Shortly after it happened. I was in surgery at the time, and they paged me out of it. She had been scheduled for her heart surgery that morning, and I hadn't known it was cancelled.'

'Why was it cancelled?' Izzie asked, frowning.

'Derek cancelled it.' Meredith said flatly.

Meredith ran down the hall to her mothers room, she could see Derek standing just outside the door waiting for her, a dark sorrowful look upon his face.

'What happened?' She cried.

Derek put his arms out to grab her into a hug but she pushed past him and ran into her mother's room. She was laid out upon the bed, machines were still attached to her but they were all quiet. She was dead.

'No.' Meredith whispered. 'Damn'

She felt Derek come up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, pressing his lips into her hair. 'I'm sorry Meredith.'

'What happened Derek?' she said turning to him. He was looking at her in this horrible pitying condescending way, much like he had after he had chosen Addison. It made her angry when he looked at her like that.

'What happened?' She asked again. 'Was it because of the surgery?' Meredith hadn't even noticed that her mother wasn't in recovery which is where she should have been if her surgery had taken place.

'No it wasn't in surgery Meredith. She didn't have the surgery. She had an MI.'

'An MI?' Meredith said confused. 'What about the surgery? Shouldn't she have been in surgery? Why didn't she have the surgery?'

Derek lowered his eyes, reluctant to look at her. 'The surgery was cancelled Meredith.'

'Why? Why was it cancelled Derek? She asked, her voice rising.

He didn't answer her, and he could barely look at her.

'Derek? Why was it cancelled?' She asked again.

He looked up at her finally, and there was sorrow and guilt in his eyes. 'Perhaps you had better talk to Dr Burke Meredith. He can explain it to you.'

'Burke will explain it to me? What the hell did you do Derek?' Meredith yelled through the tears that had started running down her face.

He just looked at her.

'He just looked at you?' Izzie said in disbelief. 'Seriously? Seriously. He didn't even have the guts to tell you himself?'

'No he didn't.' Meredith said softly. 'So I went to see Burke. He was really confused at first. He didn't understand what I was asking. You see, Derek had told him that I cancelled the surgery, but of course I hadn't. Derek had decided for me that it was better if we let nature run its course, as he put it, and so told Burke that I had cancelled her surgery. Burke said he sent Cristina to check with me, and that she had come back and told him that it was what I wanted.' Meredith sighed.

'I assume that Derek and Cristina had spoken with each other and mutually decided that they knew what was best for me and my mother.' She said after a time. 'I don't really know anymore than that. 'I was so upset and confused that I just went home. I couldn't be there anymore. I couldn't take the idea of seeing either of them again. I felt so betrayed.' She paused for a moment.

'That night we got into a huge fight. And I left the next day.'

Izzie sat still at the kitchen table taking in what Meredith was saying, and then quite suddenly she pushed the plate of muffins towards her and said, 'I forgive you. Have a muffin.'

Meredith laughed. 'Oh Izzie, I'm glad you forgive me. I have really missed your muffins.' She said taking a huge bite out of one. 'I never thought I'd say that!'

'Me either. Glad you didn't miss me though.' Izzie said with a smile.

'Of course I missed you Iz, and I really am so sorry that I didn't tell you I was leaving. It was just too overwhelming.'

'I know. I lay on the bathroom floor for a full 24 hours after Denny died remember?'

'I remember.'

'The thing you don't understand is that when you left I felt like he had died all over again.' Izzie said. 'I know it doesn't make sense, but it's true. George has Callie now and I just can't get over the feeling that their marriage is the biggest mistake he has ever made, even bigger than sleeping with you.'

'Thanks a lot.' Meredith huffed.

'You know what I mean. George doesn't have the time for me anymore now he's with her. I know that Cristina was your person, but you, well you were starting to become mine.' Izzie paused. 'And then you left, and I was alone again.'

'Izzie I'm sorry. It was selfish of me.' Meredith said.

'Yes it was.' Izzie said with a small smile. 'But you know that now, so we're good.'

'Do you still think about Denny?' Meredith asked.

'All the time. I miss him so much, it hurts.' Izzie said. 'Do you miss your mom?'

'I missed her before she died; I missed her when the Alzheimer's got really bad. When she didn't remember who I was, that's when it was the worst.'

'What was the last thing you said to her?'

'Before she died?' Meredith asked feeling slightly sick at the memory of it.

'Yeah, wasn't she lucid?'

'She was lucid the day before she died.' Meredith said. 'It was pretty much the worst day we had ever had with each other.'

'What happened?'

'I tried to tell her about Derek, and she said I had lost focus, that I was ordinary. That I was a disappointment.' Meredith said sadly.

'Wow, I thought I had mother issues…' Izzie said trailing off.

'Yeah well later that day she was told about needing the surgery, only she said she didn't want to have it.' Meredith paused. 'So they called me down to talk to her you know, cause it was my freaking responsibility not hers.'

'And she told you she didn't want it?'

'Yeah… I told her I didn't care that she didn't want it. I told her that she was the reason I was ordinary, that it was her fault I had lost focus. And then she asked if that was the case then why did she have to have the surgery.'

'And?' Izzie prompted.

'And I told her that killing my mother was not going to be another thing that happened to me.' Meredith said, the words echoing in her head as if it had happened yesterday.

'God that's harsh. No wonder you flipped out when she died. That's the last thing you ever said to her?'

'I did not flip out!' Meredith said.

Izzie just raised her eyebrows at her.

'Okay maybe I did a little… and yeah, it's the last thing I said to her when she was lucid, but that night I went back to her room and the Chief was there, and he tried to tell me that she had gone but I didn't listen. I told her that I wanted her to have the surgery because I had hope that they would find a cure, and that then we could have more time together and she would see that I wasn't ordinary. Those were the last words I said to her.'

Meredith paused. 'It turns out that I was saying that to the wrong person. Maybe if I had said that to Derek he wouldn't have done what he did.'

'Maybe...' Izzie said. 'It sounds like he was trying to protect you.'

'I know, but it was so irritating. I know he trying to protect me and I know that my mother didn't want the surgery, but it was my decision not his.' Meredith said.

'I know. He was so worried that you were suicidal after you tried to drown yourself in the bathtub'-

'I did not try to drown myself in the bathtub.' Meredith interrupted. 'Do you think I would be stupid enough to try that when he was around to be the hero and pull me out? If I had really wanted to do it I would have done it when he was at work.'

'I know that Meredith, but he didn't. When you didn't come back to work he panicked. No one knew where you were for two weeks, until the Chief told us you had transferred to Boston. I think Derek thought you had died. He was beside himself, then when he found out you had transferred, well it was bad. He was so angry; I have never seen him that angry. He has been angry ever since.'

'I thought he would have guessed that I had gone back to Boston. I didn't think he would panic. But I guess part of me wanted to hurt him… like he had hurt me.' Meredith said sadly.

'Do you forgive him?' Izzie asked.

'Yes.' Meredith said instantly, and was surprised because up until this moment she hadn't been exactly sure. 'Yes I do, but I don't think he will ever forgive me.'

'He will Meredith, he loves you so much. He hasn't been himself since you left.'

'I miss him.' She said softly.

'Me too.' Izzie said. And Meredith knew they weren't talking about Derek anymore.

Later that night Meredith lay on her bed and contemplated what Izzie had said. She wondered if she was persistent (and used the elevators instead of avoiding them) Derek would eventually forgive her. But looking at Izzie's face as she thought about Denny made her wonder if it was worth it.

A/N- The lyrics are 'Back where I was' by The Hereafter. For those who don't know an MI is a Myocardial Infarction, otherwise known as a heart attack. Please review.. pretty please. I want to know what peoples thoughts are about this chapter…