Disclaimer: Mr. Depp: You expect me to talk?

Fanfic Writer: No Mr. Depp I expect you to strip.

Mr. Depp: No, not the naked laser beam of squee….NOO!! You can't do this you don't own me!!

Fanfic Writer: (petting her cat) Yes, yes!! (manic laughter)

Authors Note: Wowza, I'm so happy you all are pleased with this and enjoying it. It's some fairly dark stuff, even for me. Who the hell knew such a thing could happen? But in any event, you have lived up to your part and reviewed and favorited (and in some cases threatened violence…which fills me with joy) and so here is Chapter 4. It's a cliffhanger (quite literally) but have no fear. Chapter 5 is on its way as we speak. And I promise Wonderland is nearly upon us (why yes I'd rather have a Hatter upon me…but we can't have everything.)

Chapter 4

Broken

Jessie had wiped her eyes, but for some reason after waking up the need to cry was still too strong to deny. She hadn't sobbed so hard since her grandfather had died years before. He'd always understood her strange tendencies, or at least he'd never judged her or tried to change her as the rest of her family had. When she'd lost him, it had felt like someone had gutted her. And that's what this felt like. As if someone had scooped out of her a part she needed to live. Something that made her her. She wouldn't think about the fact the tears she'd wiped away held the barest scent of tea leaves.

It took all of her strength to simply pull herself from the bed and into the shower. Jessie turned the water on full hot, and even though it nearly scalded her skin off, she stayed under the water until the need to flat out bawl left her. She scrubbed her skin with the hotels small bar of soap, washed her hair…and let the tears fall and be swept away beneath the jets of spray from the shower. When she was able to stop, she turned the water off and numbly wrapped up in a towel.

Jessie fell into the room's single chair and stared blankly at the wall. The dream…The Hatter…Wonderland… She felt herself losing her grasp on what was real and what wasn't. The crying fit was surely a sign. These dreams were becoming more real than reality. And the scary part was how much she wanted him to be real. He was Her Hatter, only him and no other. Part of waking up and finding him not there with her had started that crying fit, but also there was the whisper she had heard while drifting back to wakefulness; his voice and his tears. All that pain because of her.

She sniffed again; everything always feels sore after sobbing that hard. Sighing she stood and like a robot pulled on her clothes for the day. She couldn't even fathom a cup of tea right then. "No way." She tells the pot with the few prepackaged packets lying next to it. Her voice is hoarse, dry.

This was supposed to be a restful day, but she knows that sleeping is something that she doesn't want to do now. She was worried about herself. Had the divorce sent her over the edge? Had she finally lived up to everyone's expectations of her craziness? The next day the tour started and she was very near cancelling everything. This had all started the minute she'd come near England…maybe that was what had triggered it…

She rubbed her face and stood up; gathering her bag from where she'd dropped it the night before. Jessie left the room and headed out into the now fairly dreary day. London's weather seemed to be changing to fit her mood. It was looking like rain was going to start falling any moment. She squared her bag on her shoulder determinedly. She would find something to do to distract her from thoughts of Hatters and tears. She would keep herself awake as long as she could. She didn't want to sleep and wind up there again.

But she knew her brain…it would take her back there. Or more so her heart would as it was obviously the place it thought she belonged. "Home is where the heart is." She murmured to herself as she walked down the sidewalk, sidestepping a large crack in the concrete. "Home is where the Hatter is." Her brows furrowed. "Shut up." She said aloud, garnering a look from the businessman standing next to her.

Jessie spent the day at the Tower of London. Sadly instead of images coming to mind of Basil Rathbone in tights and an oversized Boris Karloff, she caught glimpses of a wildly clothed man in manacles, head bowed in defeat behind bars. She made a point of drinking coffee. And she could almost hear a soft lisping voice poo pooing her choice of beverage. She'd drink more to drown it out.

By dinner time she'd succeeded in having enough caffeine in her system to choke a horse and legs that were shaking from walking so much. "Okay, this might not have been the best course of action." She thought to herself. She was wired but exhausted. Not a good combination.

The tube ride back to the hotel was not the best either. As the stone walls rushed by the windows she started getting dizzy. Underground…falling…a piano…falling forever…head over heels over and over. She closed her eyes against the sensation, because it was making her head spin.

"You're back!"

"Back to stay, I told you I would be."

"You remembered me."

"I'd never forget."

"I love you…love you…"

"Tarrant, don't let me go."

"Never."

"Run Alice!! Run!"

"So cold…I can't…stay."

"NO!!!!!!"

Jessie jerked as the anguished cry became train brakes squealing them to a stop. "Damn it." She wiped her eyes, thankful she wasn't crying at least. She hadn't meant to sleep. She was amazed it had even happened considering the coffee she'd drunk throughout the day. The dream wasn't the same as the others. It was like faded photos flickering through her mind and she was watching the scenes play out, a silent observer. It was random… not clear. Jessie shook her head trying to erase the unease and the cobwebs.

She stumbled out of the train and headed up the stairs. "Great vacation Jessica. Really should do this more often." She mumbled to herself, running shaking fingers through her hair. She felt clammy. Usually she could handle caffeine better than this. She and caffeine were old friends. But Jessie suspected her bodies reaction had to do with other outside influences, more so than the coffee.

She took a few deep breaths when she got to the top of the stairs of the damp London air. The scent of petrol fumes and frying food met her nostrils, but at least it helped. Licking her lips she headed off to her hotel once more, deciding that maybe some food might do her some good.

The restaurant was nearly empty since it was after the dinner rush. Jess sat down heavily and ordered a burger and some fries. Simple was good. When the waiter asked if she wanted anything to drink she hesitated and asked for a shot of whiskey. She didn't drink often, but after her day she thought she'd earned it.

The sandy haired server brought her the food and the booze quickly. It was obvious they wanted to close for the night. Jess drank the whiskey in one swallow, feeling it burn all the way down and settle in her stomach like a little fire. She ate half her burger and some of the fries, which were already cold. "Perfect end to a perfect day…" She thought.

She signed the check and headed up to her room. Jess looked at the bed warily. "Nope…nope not doing it." She said aloud. She changed out of her clothes and pulled on the comfy t-shirt and sleep pants she'd brought along. Then she flopped in front of the TV and looked for something to watch. It worked for a couple hours. Some Victorian set mini-series that she was sure she'd seen before was playing. Then one of the actors showed up with a top hat on, and a long tailed coat. She switched the channel. There was an animal special on about rabbits in the wild. "Seriously?!" She cried aloud and then switched off the TV, tossing the remote against the wall.

Jess sighed heavily. The caffeine was wearing off and she was starting to crash. She couldn't fight it anymore. She had to sleep. She dragged herself into the bed and pulled the blanket up to her chin. "Please…please don't let me be losing it." She prayed to whoever was listening. Then she closed her eyes.

It was a balcony. A balcony that looked over a vista with waterfalls and a clear night sky, or at least that was what it half was. The dreamscape was unfinished. And Jessie stood there in her comfy clothes, not a dress of violet silk. She ran shaking fingers through her red hair, peering out over balconies edge, leaning her elbows on the white stone.

"Where do I come up with this stuff?" She wondered aloud.

"It's a memory." He said from behind her, and she wasn't shocked or surprised by his presence.

She turned to find him in better shape than the last time she'd seen him, but less so than the dream he'd shared with her. He had his hat held against his hip, his face was serious, the expression a mixture of hurt and concern. "You're…fighting it." His brows furrowed, a little line forming between them. "You don't want to remember…"

She turned fully to face him, her face tense. "It's not a memory…I…don't you see you're something I dreamed up." Jessie would have laughed if it wasn't so serious. She was trying to convince her figment that he was just that…a figment.

He gave a rueful laugh, placing his hat on the railing. "Do you know how many times you've believed that was the truth my darling dreamer?"

Confusion flitted across her face. "What are you talking about?"

"Twenty seven. Twenty seven times I've had to convince you that I'm not a dream…delusion…psychosis…figment…fantasy…" He started rambling again.

"Twenty seven what?" She interrupted him.

"I'm fine…." He blinked then refocused on her and noticed what she was wearing. "Oh no no no. You should only be dressed in the finest silks and lace my Jessie. This just won't do. And what in the name of Underland is a Darth Vader?" He peered curiously at her t-shirt. "This is going to change as soon as you return. I simply can't abide it."

She looked at him like he was the crazy one. Which granted was something he was quite used to. Jessie crossed her arms in front of her shirt, for some reason actually feeling embarrassed by what she was wearing…even though she had every right to wear what she wanted. It was her mind damn it.

"Listen…I am not going to do this anymore. I'm going to wake up…and you and all this…" she gestured about her. "stuff is going disappear." She took a deep breath, avoiding his eyes which were staring down at her from where he now leaned against the wall, his arms crossed in front of his chest. He didn't look happy or as frivolous as before. In fact the expression he was wearing was borderline angry.

Jess sighed; she didn't like having to do this. If it was a good old fashioned fantasy that would be fine, but it wasn't. It was taking over, and it was taking over quickly. "I can't do this. I'm losing it…I may have already lost it. I'm not a princess or special or magic. And as much as I wish you were real…you aren't. There is no such thing as…Underland or Wonderland."

"Are ye quite done?" He asked, nearly growling the question.

He was obviously not pleased with what she was saying. But she couldn't let that stop her. "Look…I really…I…" She let out a frustrated grunt. "Argh! This shouldn't be this difficult."

Tarrant didn't make a move or say anything. He just kept staring at her with those jade eyes. Jessie took a deep breath and slowly let it out, then met his gaze. "I woke up crying this morning. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe." She saw his face soften. The red that was starting to rim the green of his iris disappeared. "I didn't know if I'd ever stop, and do you know why?"

The Hatter gave just a slight shake of his head, uncertain.

"Because you weren't there! Because I realized it was all in my head and you aren't real. Because I heard you…and you love me!" She felt the dampness on her cheeks and grew angry. She'd cried enough over the last year. She didn't need any more. Jessie saw him step away from the wall, as though to come near her and she backed away from him. "No…don't you dare."

He stopped mid-step. She was getting far too close to the railing and too far away from him for his liking in her current state. "Jessie…please listen." He started to say, but she cut him off.

"I wake up from this, from you…to reality. To this place where I'm nothing to nobody, in fact I'm a big fat disappointment. But to you…" She shook her head, turning to face the half formed landscape. "To you I'm something special. Do you know how much that hurts to lose every time I wake up?" She was dangerously close to the edge of the balcony now, her voice rising with each word.

He stopped only two steps from her. His face took on the look she'd seen him wear before, of seeing things that only he could, things no one should. "Yes…" He said. His voice was gentle, "Yes I know very well." He tilted his head, studying her, all the while keeping an eye on how near the edge of the drop she was. Her gaze came back to his at the words. "I've loved and lost you 53 times. Each time it was new to you, just like now. But to me…I remember all of them, especially the first. Because that was the first time anyone had ever seen me…as me and not as a broken fool."

She'd stopped moving, for which he was glad. He couldn't risk her doing something foolish because of her distress. He simply wanted to stop it, to help her. Even when she was trying to convince herself he was merely a dream…for the now 28th time. He gave her a small half smile. "Although I am slightly cracked…maybe more than slightly if I think too hard on it. But you saw the best in me and didn't mind…my mind." He nodded, holding out a hand towards her. "You helped me heal Jessie…because you are special. You are magic…to me."

She closed her eyes, those beautiful blue eyes he was growing more and more fond of each time he saw them. Tears sparkled on her pale cheeks. He wished she'd let him hold her again. He knew if given a chance he could make her smile.

He'd been sleeping on the thin blanket on the floor of his hiding place, the scent of her still there on his tattered coat. The temptation had been too great for the chance to see her again, and so he'd let himself drift away. And here he had found her, and he was glad for it now that he'd seen she was trying so hard to fight the truth.

This place was safe for the time being from The Red Queen's influence, hence why he wasn't concerned in that regard. The White Queens power was still strong here, in this memory of her castle. The Hatter found it a cruel irony that this was the place she would have a flash of in her mind in order to tell him once more she didn't believe he was real. Perhaps it was a good sign though, that this was in fact where she chose to do it. This was the first place it had ever happened.

Jessie shook her head, eyes still closed. "I can't…" She whispered. And to his horror he heard a familiar tone in the words. One he'd had within his own voice before she had come back to him. She was broken too…or nearly so. Damn the Red Queen, damn her and damn the world above for good measure. To hear and see it in her was nearly too much for him to witness. Her muchness was missing once more, only more so than before.

Tarrant took another tentative step closer. "You can, you have…" He told her. "So many times…" He could almost touch her fingers. If she backed up one more step she might fall. "If I can bear it…if I swear to remember it all for both of us, can you believe me to be real?" Tarrant remembered every second of every moment he'd had with her. Every lifetime she'd had, he'd shared. He'd never let them go, even with the torment carried within the memories. Each one was too precious…each like a glittering jewel.

Tarrant could remember each first kiss, when his Alice had believed, had remembered. The sweetness of that moment never changed. He remembered every first night spent in her arms, and all the nights after, and even those special afternoon teas being hidden by the tablecloth beneath the long table…the taste of perhaps cinnamon scone on her lips, sometimes chocolate from a croissant, but always delicious.

Her eyes opened, and he saw the ghosts of doubt there in their shining depths. He could drown in those blue pools he realized, and be happy to do so. She sniffed trying to stop the tears. He saw the dark circles beneath her eyes and he wished she would stop fighting him. "My Jessie, don't give up for I haven't. And I know….I know you are so near. We need you. I need you. If I can believe in you, can't you believe in me?"

Jessie heard his mad logic and in a strange way it made sense. If a delusion believed in her, why couldn't she believe it and make it real? What was real anyway? Who's to say she wasn't someone's dream and that the day that person woke up she ceased to be.

"You'll only disappoint him. You disappoint everyone don't you?" A faint voice whispered from the darkness. Very faint, but Jessie could hear it like a devil on her shoulder. "Best just get this over with now. You're already losing your mind. Do you want to plummet down further? Look at that drop there…wouldn't it just be so pleasant to fall into that nice silent black. No more people telling you who you should be. No more people telling you what you should do. Just silent, quiet darkness."

It sounded so wonderful just then. No more lawyer, no more parents with their disapproving faces. No more Ronny and his hurtful words. No more…just one step over and she'd be free of it all. Even if it was a dream, it might work. She might just keep falling and never wake up. And would that be so very bad?

Tarrant saw her gaze flicker to the edge of the balcony. He saw her tense as something unpleasant was running through her mind. In fact he could just make out a voice, not the words…but something…something was out there. Even with the jumble that made up his own thoughts, he knew this was not right. "Jessie….do come away from the edge love." His voice was very soft, his movements careful. "It's not safe…not safe at all…and you don't want to catch cold do you?"

She laughed, a quick mirthless sound. It cut him deeply to hear it. "I might catch my death." Her voice was laced with a bitterness he'd not heard before. Tarrant's eyes tightened around the corners, wincing at the blackness of humor.

"Tis nothing to joke about my girl." His lips thinned, worry etching his face.

She glanced at him, and he saw the emotions flicker across her, as easy to read as his own were. "No more Hatter." She thought…and that gave her pause. The voice called her again, so faint yet insistent. Falling falling…never stopping…falling forever and a day. Falling falling…never stopping…gliding all the way…

"I'll miss you when I wake up." She said with a sad smile, and then she turned, reaching for the darkness.