Sousuke never knew fear the way he dreaded the idea of Makoto figuring out how perfect he was. Makoto was an actual angel on Earth and Sousuke was absolute crap in comparison. Makoto was kind, gentle, and honest with a light laugh that made whole rooms shine a bit brighter. Sousuke was blunt, too abrasive, and rather than brightening anything, Sousuke's dull words often silenced lively conversations.
Sousuke wondered if Makoto was oblivious to Sousuke's actual shittiness. He speculated that Makoto didn't know his own worth. There were even times when Sousuke angered himself by considering the idea that Makoto was dating him out of sheer sympathy.
He can't quite give an exact date of when it started, all he knew was that he wished he could rewind to that point and stop it.
"You look like you've gained weight again, Mako," Sousuke laughed as they got of the pool. He squeezed Makoto's hard thigh. "You won't be able to swim if you get fat."
"Oh, you're right," Makoto blushed and he raked a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."
When they were out with friends, no one questioned why Sousuke ate whatever he want, but Makoto picked at salads he never finished.
"Are those zits?" Sousuke asked, pulling away from a kiss. They were in Makoto's room, about to head to karaoke night with their friends. "Mako, we shouldn't go out tonight. You'll embarrass me."
Makoto touched his face in a panic and Sousuke laughed, tugging his hands away.
"If you do that," Sousuke said. "You'll get even more."
"Oh, no," Makoto fidgeted. "What should I do? I'm sorry that we can't go out…"
"It's fine," Sousuke placed another kiss smoothly on Makoto's lips. "We'll just stay in this time."
Makoto spent the next day trying out more face masks and creams than he even knew existed.
Makoto lost to a Samezuka swim club member by only a few milliseconds. While helping him out of the pool, Sousuke whispered into his ear, "Wow, is that the swimming of a proper captain?"
Makoto made sure to do more than a few extra laps that practice.
"There's no way you're actually that stupid, right, Mako?" Sousuke chuckled, nuzzling into the nape of his lover's neck as they sat around, snuggled together and watching game shows. Makoto had gotten just one question wrong. Sousuke was so afraid of saying the incorrect answer, he never said his guesses aloud.
"S-sorry…" Makoto muttered, tightening his grip on Sousuke's hands which rested on his stomach.
That night Makoto cried at his own worthlessness. Why did he feel like such piss in comparison to Sousuke? Why was he so fat, ugly, and dumb while dating a sexy, gorgeous, and smart swimmer with a future ahead of him? He hated himself. He couldn't stand that he wasn't good enough for Sousuke and yet the dark haired brunet was sweet enough to still give him the light of day.
Sousuke didn't know how he started, but it felt impossible to stop now. Beating Makoto down had become second nature to him. It was a hobby he excelled at, almost better than his swimming. He formulated just how to say things to disguise it as concern. He knew just the right times to attack and even spaced out his verbal assaults enough as to not let Makoto catch on to his scheme.
A small section of him could confess that he enjoyed it. There was something pleasurable in seeing how much his opinions affected Makoto. How one "Why're you soft here?" changed Makoto's eating habits and workout routine. How a small comment like "You've gotten even darker." made Makoto carry around an umbrella and spend more time indoors.
"What are you doing?" Rin asked as he watched Makoto sit on Haru's bedroom floor and apply bleaching cream.
"Sousuke thinks I've gotten dark," Makoto said, all rainbows and sunshine.
"Okay," Rin drew the word out before pointing to some diet pills beside Makoto. "And what's that?"
"Oh, Sousuke thinks I've gotten fat," Makoto said, happily shaking the near empty bottle.
"Huh," Rin huffed, a disturbing pattern falling together in his mind. "…Dude, are you wearing make-up?"
"Just some foundation, a little lip balm, and a touch of eyeliner," Makoto explained. "Sousuke thinks I look better this way."
Haru put his book down on his pillow and asked from where he was lying on his bed, "Makoto, do you think Sousuke is good for you?"
He never encountered this question, but now that he gave it a little thought, he had liked himself before dating Sousuke. He had thought he was a perfectly healthy good-looking teen, but since Sousuke, all he saw in himself were the flaws his lover insisted were there.
"Am I ugly?" Makoto asked Sousuke one day as they lied curled up on the taller boy's bed.
"I don't think so," Sousuke said, stroking his boyfriend's hair. "But who knows what others think of you."
Makoto paused, debating whether or not he should reveal his true feelings. Eventually, they slipped out.
"You make me feel ugly."
Sousuke's stomach twisted into a dozen and one knots. Had he been found out?
"What makes you say that?" Sousuke asked lovingly, still petting Makoto's head.
"I hate myself. I never hated myself before you came along."
Sousuke let out a hearty laugh and his next words made Makoto untangle himself from the larger teen's grasp.
"Makoto. You can't blame me for your dumb insecurities."
Makoto felt disgusted. Was this really the same suave person he had fallen for? The one who had drenched him with nothing but praises? The one who had given him the nickname "angel?"
Makoto's face must've given away everything he was thinking because Sousuke's smile quickly faded away.
"What's wrong?" Sousuke asked as though he hadn't just sledge hammered Makoto's heart.
"I'm not fat. Or stupid," Makoto stated with his conviction dangling on a tightrope.
"Who are you telling?" Sousuke's tone was dark and condescending, much more open in its cruelty than any of his other criticisms.
"Since when were you like this?" Makoto cried.
Sousuke really didn't know and truly wished he could stop, but he didn't know how. He was so scared of Makoto finding out that he was a bad person yet somewhere down the line he had become a terrible person.
"Don't get mad at me just because I made you realize you're not perfect," Sousuke sighed. He couldn't believe himself. Why was he saying this?
Makoto couldn't help but weep.
"You're not Sousuke! I want the tender Sousuke back…"
The bigger brunet scoffed, looking away from his sobbing boyfriend. "Cry like a little bitch all you want, but what you see is what you get. If you couldn't figure out the real me, then that's your problem for being a dumbass."
He wanted to turn off this bad boy façade and return to being the below average piece of crap that still didn't deserve Makoto. He wanted to beg for them to start over and promise to be a better partner, but his mouth kept spewing vile.
"I take back what I said before because I definitely think this gross crying face you're doing now is ugly."
Makoto wiped tears away with the back of his hand and ignored the new ones forming. He swallowed the painful lump in his throat.
"Why?" he said. "Why do you want me to feel like absolute crap?"
Sousuke threw a pillow across the room in a feral rage. He glared down at his clenched fists.
"Because you did it first!" he shouted. "You were so perfect that I fell in love with you without realizing that I can't stand next to you confidently at all. You created a whole new standard of expectations that I just can't live up to. So, I thought if I couldn't clamber up to where you are, I would drag you down with me. I'm complete and total shit, Mako. I'm so screwed up I think I just talk out my ass. You're perfectly fit. Your skin is perfect. Your backstroke is perfect. You're perfectly smart. So bright, it's blinding, you're a perfect angel, Mako. You're beautiful."
"Sousuke…"
Now humiliated for several different reasons, Sousuke covered his reddening face with his hands and continued spilling out everything's he's wanted to say.
"I'm sorry I made you feel as bad as I felt. I'm sorry I'm not the mature, dazzling man that you deserve, Mako. Most of all, I'm sorry that I even let you waste your precious time on someone as worthless as me."
Sousuke was surprised to feel soft, warm lips on his temple and turned to look at Makoto with wide eyes. Makoto took his partner's hands into his own, rubbing his thumb along Sousuke's.
"I'm not ugly," Makoto reiterated. "And I'm not dumb. I chose to be with you because I know you are worthy of my love and you're kind of stupid for thinking otherwise."
Makoto snickered a bit and Sousuke couldn't help chuckling with him.
"I still want to be with you but," Makoto said. "You're going to have to change! No more self-doubt or being so critical of yourself. Just trust that I love you for all your strengths and faults."
Sousuke's look was deadpan.
"See," he remarked with little emotion. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. You're so perfect, you'll even forgive an idiot like me!" Sousuke then grinned from ear to ear and Makoto let out the laugh that lit Sousuke's heart and Sousuke no longer had anything to be afraid of in their relationship. His angel now knew just how perfect he was.