Out of A/n: Shortish chapter but it was the only place that made sense to break it off for another five pages so whatcha gonna do. We're approaching the end here with either one long chapter or two chapters left.

A/nerial: The truth is out there!

There was a long moment of silence that followed the communication cutting off. No one seemed to know how to react to this newest curve ball they'd been thrown. Finally Zoe broke the silence, turning to Mal. "Sir."

Simon couldn't tell if it was a question or a statement.

Mal nodded once, turning to the group and pausing a moment, a look somewhere between confused, annoyed, and that faraway look he gets about the war flittering across his face.

"Shh…" River spoke in the lengthening silence. "To name a fear gives it substance. Gives it power. Safer to run away and hide. Do not name what you cannot face."

"We don't have a choice in this little one." Zoe said. She'd wandered away from the group, over to the other cockpit. A hand reached out, fingers just barely brushing the steering wheel. Simon wondered what it was about the motion that bothered him so much until River's hand found his and tightened. It was the way River touched things sometimes, when she felt disconnected. When she needed to know for sure this all was real. "

For a fleeting second her hand closed around the control, grounding her before Zoe turned back to them, regaining the confidence she normally had. She clasped her hands behind her back, standing at attention yet seeming at ease. It was strange, how she looked so comfortable with herself even though Simon didn't need medical training to see the tension. She didn't look at anyone, eyes focused somewhere behind them.

"I was born on Iolas. It's a slum moon in one of the core systems. Core planets are spotless for a reason, any undesirables get shipped out to places like Iolas." Her voice hardened. "No soldiers or feds to speak of except to make sure no one gets off world who isn't supposed to. The entire moons like a giant city of rusted towers, pollutions so bad you can't see the sun. A city made up of addicts, gangs, convicts, the homeless, and whoever else the alliance decided was a disturbance to their enlightenment.

'My own story was normal I guess. Bastard child who never knew which of her mother's clients was her father. Orphaned and barely getting by. I was fifteen when I heard the alliance had sent some recruiters to try to increase the ranks in their army. All I knew is it was my one chance at a ticket off world. I said I was nineteen. The advantage of not being in the system was they had no way to check if I was telling the truth. I seemed mature enough, you grow up fast on Iolas."

"Basic training took six months. My platoon got shipped out to a alliance cruiser and had a easy tour of alliance space. We got close, the men called me their mei mei, swore they'd see me through to the end of my contract. They knew I was too young."

She let out a slow breath, her eyes moving back to the others. Mal was leaning against a console, looking pointedly neutral. Wash looked concerned and surprised, Simon wondered if Zoe had never told him this before. Jayne looked like he was trying to be serious, Book as serene as usual. Simon couldn't see Inara, standing behind him and near the door or Kaley to his right but they were probably just as quietly confused as he.

Zoe refocused onto Mal a moment before looking back, somewhere between her and them. "Six months on that tour and the rebellion on Grove' End had reached it's peek. We were sent in as reinforcements. None of us were ready to take that step into a guerrilla war. We lost six of our platoon the first day. By the end of the week the only reason I was alive was two of my brothers had died protecting me. Get little Zoe through the war, get her to safety, it was all they had left as the fighting stretched on with no end in sight. The campaign lasted about four months before the alliance got embarrassed that such a little moon was holding out so long and we overwhelmed them by sheer numbers. In the end there were less than a thousand enemy combatants alive to surrender. Mostly the younger teens rebels kept safe by their families, just like me."

She paused a long moment, emotions flashing across her eyes even if her face remained impassive. "My platoon was one of two put in charge of the POWS. It isn't clear how it happened. An order screw up, a vindictive leader, alliance not wanting to pay for 700 souls I don't know. Just the same, two days after the fighting was over we set up machine guns along the south wall of the fort and started executions. Took better part of two days. There weren't enough machine guns for everyone so I made do with a rifle. My brothers let me kill the last one." She stopped speaking for just a moment, if Simon didn't know better he might have thought there'd been a shake on her voice. "When he didn't cry the other's mocked me. I shot him once, not to kill… just enough to make him bleed. He'd get no medical help from us. He'd die slowly that way. We celebrated. Three weeks later when we'd been reassigned the army's PR team had us all dishonorably discharged and cut us loose."

For a moment no one said anything then Jayne broke the silence. "So you was an alliance gal?"

Zoe closed her eyes and let out a long slow breath. Simon was pretty sure it was to keep from murdering Jayne, which he wouldn't really blame her for. It was taking him a long time to process what she'd said but having that thrown at the loyal brown coat was probably not best right now.

"Jayne!" Mal barked a warning.

"What? All I'm sayin is she was one of then purple bellies. It's a fine story and everything but I don't get what this has to do with mr/ crazy-messin our engines"

"Cause that last boy I killed didn't die." Zoe said, anger flashing in her voice. "I don't know how but he survived and mad as hell."

"Could tell for myself. I'd be mighty angry to. Tend to be when somma shoots me."

"Not just angry Jayne, crazy to." Mal said. "and not all pleasant like either. Now seems he caught up to us which means we're going to have to take care of this once and for all. Kaylee, Wash, I want you to go and figure out what he did to our engines. Jayne go with 'em in case that Ping-sha du is on board and looking for trouble. Inara, Sheppard, Simon, and River go to Inara's shuttle and stay there but stay on the com. If we need the doc we'll shout for him but if things get hairy you'll be able to get out of here safely."

"Captain I ma-" Sheppard began.

"I know." Mal said, cutting him off. "But you're the best protection I can spare for those three if they need it."

Simon nodded, knowing by now to go with Mal's plans if only to avoid an argument he would lose. His eyes were back on Zoe who'd sat down in the co-pilot's seat and was checking over readings. Wash crossed over to her, and flicked a few switches to bring them up onto the bigger monitor for easier viewing. She turned, looking up at him her face unreadable but searching. Simon couldn't see from the angle but whatever she'd been looking for in Wash's face she must of found for the relief was visible.

Kaylee tugged on his arm to leave, pulling him out to follow Inara with Jayne and the captain a moment behind. It seemed Mal was going to give his first mate a moment to smooth things over with her husband. It was weird to see him compromising so much for her in such a situation but then again this was Zoe, and after what she'd been forced to relive and retell maybe he figured this was the best way to get her back to the present.

Or, Simon amended watching him watch them, see how the crew took this.

"It's weird." Kaylee muttered into the silence.

"Knew she'd been in military before the war." Jayne said. "Never really put together that'd mean alliance." He glanced toward Book. "Figure she was seekin' forgiveness for killin' all them people?"

"Whatever she sought I think she seems to have found." Book answered. "A sight like that leaves scars on a person that are easy enough for people who recognize them to see. Tend not to let a person rest easy. She seemed to have found serenity…"

"They hear it in their dreams." River cut in. "Ratta tat tat, ratta tat tat. It fires through their minds and they remember what it was like. Kill to kill, it felt good." The door to the bridge opened and Zoe stepped out and froze when River's words reached her ears. "Ratta tat tat and laugh and laugh.. Ratta tat tat in their ears when they sleep. Ratta tat tat chorus and survivor and the one who survived and they all sing together and break apart into tiny pieces singing ratta tat tat lullubye as they all fall down. No one survives the lullubye. No one escapes the Ratta tat. Just delay it. Shove back the darkness." She turned to Zoe a look of fear on her face. "It's taking hold."

Suddenly the captain acted. "Get you sister under control doc and get up to the shuttle, the rest of you know where you're supposed to be."

Simon took Rivers hand as she watched Zoe walk by and climb down into her bunk to get her gear for the upcoming fight. "It tastes bad." She whispered.

Mal saw Zoe go into her bunk and hurried everyone along. A old gnawing fear in the pit of his stomach that made him kick open the hatch to her bunk before everyone was out of sight. He'd seen that look before. The one right after Rivers words. He knew she'd almost done it before, he'd stopped her from eating her own gun a couple of times. It was something he'd gladly thought she'd left behind after the war.

His heart dropped when he saw his first mate sitting on the bed with her pistol in her hand that terrifyingly calm look on her face.

The nightmare should have been over then. It should have ended when they put a bullet into those pour souls' brains. That long tunnel that had started when their platoon had landed in Yi-Xia to restock only to find the entire town had been wiped out by reavers except for those five civilians gone near mad by the sight. They'd taken them in, tried to get them help as their sergeant decided what to do. Two days spent searching for survivors and burying the dead was more than most of them could take. Finding bits of entrails scattered through the streets, little children violated, horrors none of them would ever forget should have ended with the final corpse laid to rest.

It shouldn't have gone on into the night as those five survivors slowly went insane and began attacking the platoon the same as the reavers had attacked the town. He shouldn't have been the one some other new recruit named Celia came running to when her bunk mate was about to eat her gun. It seemed the unfortunate side effect of his ability to inspire people was people came to him when they didn't know what to do.

He cursed, something he'd done a lot of since he left home, and broke into a run toward the tent he'd been pointed toward. Chances were he'd come in time only to pull a blanket over the soldier before Cilia got back from getting the sergeant but he had to give it a try.

Mal ducked into the tent, coming up to see a scared and shaking nineteen year old girl with a gun pressed to her temple. He remembered her, though her name slipped his mind. She'd been around when he joined up with this platoon. She kept to herself from what he could tell, one of the angry resentful recruits to the independence trying to get back for a personal vendetta. She wasn't a very good soldier though, always holding back or hesitating like she was afraid to kill even when it would keep her alive.

"You don't want to do that private." Mal said taking a step toward her and stopping up short when her hand clenched. "Okay… maybe you do but it's not a good notion. Blowing your brains out ain't no answer to what you saw today."

"It's a mercy shot!" She said, her voice harsh and angry, but there was almost a plead in it. She was staring down her own gun and it scared her but something was terrifying her so much more she was willing to do it.

"Mercy to who?" Mal asked, trying to keep her talking and maybe talk her down from this. The words rang eerily in his mind. The sergeant had said them a few hours ago when he'd ordered the survivors killed.

"Everyone, me." She said looking like she was about to start crying. "I'm turning into them."

"Whoa there. You just saw the aftermath. It's bloody but it ain't the same."

"Not from today." She said. "I fought for the alliance at Grove's End. I was at the massacre." Mal's blood ran cold. "Everyone who did went insane. I thought. I thought I was different, that I could hold it back, only kill when I have to. Not cause that pain again. I can't tell when anymore. I like to kill." She closed her eyes. "It's a mercy shot before I become a monster!"

Mal lunged forward, but he was to far away. He waited for the shot and the sound of her head exploding only to hear a little click of an empty weapon. He didn't wait to praise god, he crossed to her knocking the gun away and grabbing her by both her wrists. "Look at me!" He said, voice leaving no room for question. When she opened her eyes he started talking slowly and forcefully. "I don't know what your talking about. I don't understand, and that's okay. I have a notion I wouldn't want to really. But you're not a monster and you ain't becoming one. I know that cause you were ready to eat your own gun to stop it."

"I" She started but he silenced her with a look.

"I've seen you holding back and holding it in. That's because you don't want to kill more than you have to right? But this is a war, we don't have time for you to hesitate and second guess. Stick close to me, if you can't tell when to kill or not I'll tell you. But if I tell you to shoot someone shoot them understand? We've been lucky but you're going to get yourself killed like this. I know that was the idea tonight but we need all the soldiers we can get to win this war."

She was crying now, awkwardly he let go of her wrists and after a slight bit of hesitation pulled her close into a hug, letting her cry herself out. He guessed her no older than nineteen which made her barely sixteen if even that when she'd fought in Grove's End. No wonder she was such a mess. At that age the worst he'd seen was the aftermath of a couple bar brawls.

He sighed, rubbing her back as her crying slowed. "Listen, there's this old saying. 'When you can't run anymore you crawl and when you can't do that you find someone to carry you.'" He made the decision he'd already made when he told her he'd tell her when to kill. "My name's Mal. If you want I'll carry you for awhile."

"You remember to load it this time?" Mal asked, taking a slow step toward Zoe to see her reaction.

She nodded, absently rechecking this herself. "Not that careless anymore sir. If I do something it's done right now." There was something in her voice he couldn't quite identify. "Sir. You really think I'll do it now don't you?"

"I'm hoping not."

She looked up, the driest of smiles on her face. "I kill who you tell me sir, myself included. It's been ten years, and I don't think I'm going to start breaking that now. Not sure if I've reached "anyone who threatens the ship" yet but you'll know when it gets close." She stood up, holstering her gun and shouldering her rifle. "Until then I have a job to do. Forgive me sir."

Mal didn't realize the rifle was in motion until it was hitting the side of his head. Blackness took him just as he felt Zoe catch him and lower him to the floor.