Chapter 4

x

She was holding Ruby and trying to help her burp after her feeding. As she walked back and forth in the living room and was telling Ruby about her day, she heard the door open and the one person she hadn't expect to see coming inside was Jackson.

"Jackson.." "Why are you here? Is it Harriet?" She panicked a little, wondering why had he come to her apartment. Had something happened? She had forgotten that he had a spare key in case there were things Harriet needed and it was at her place.

"You forgot to pack her bunny.." Jackson said with a strange voice and then she realized that he was probably wondering who's baby she was holding in her arms as she hadn't mentioned to him about Matthew and Ruby yet. Guess it was too late for that.

"Where's Harriet?" She wondered as he had come up without her.

"In the car with my mom. We're having dinner at her place." Jackson said as he strangely looked around since there was baby things all over her living room.

"What's going on here?" Jackson asked and she would have to tell him.

She felt like a fish gasping for air on dry land. Her mouth was opening, but no words came out as she tried to think of the best way to tell him about her recent guests.

"This is.. ahm.." "This is Matthew's daughter." She managed to finally say without her voice stuttering.

"Matthew?" Jackson was surprised and in the moment Matthew walked in holding grocery bags.

This was awkward to say the least. Her ex-husband and ex-fiancée in the same room and she was afraid that they would start to argue with each other.

"And he's staying here?" Jackson gave a glance towards Matthew as he walked to the kitchen with the bags. She felt like she was walking on eggshells. She had a look towards Matthew, he seemed to be keeping his cool.

"Yes. He and Ruby have been staying here." She explained although sensing that Jackson wasn't entirely happy about the situation.

Ruby made small sounds which made her aware that she was still holding her and as she tended to the baby, she noticed Jackson go to Harriet's room and get the bunny he had come for.

He was walking towards the door as she said to him "Jackson, this is only temporary." He nodded and left the apartment. Although she didn't really feel like she had to give him a reason. This was her apartment, her life. And Matthew hadn't done anything wrong.

"That went well." She heard his voice and saw him come towards her to take Ruby.

"Well better than I thought." She handed Ruby to Matthew.

"I'm sorry if us being here causes problems." He then said.

"Don't worry about it." She smiled and looked at Ruby in his arms.

The next day at work, she walked into the lounge of the attending doctors and was immediately met with a silence when she entered the room. She stopped for a bit, but continued on towards the coffeemaker to take a cup of coffee. So the word had spread already, she thought. Jackson probably told Alex as he was close friends with him and the rest was history. If something spread like a wildfire in the hospital, it was gossip. She took her cup of coffee and turned around to face her friends in the room. Thinking it was just better to say what she wanted to say and then focus on her work.

"What you've heard is correct. Matthew is staying at my place." She said as she met Meredith's, Amelia's, Owen's and Maggie's wondering looks. Alex wasn't really meeting her eyes so she knew he had known about it. Arizona was sitting by the window and she didn't look pleased. Everyone was mostly still quiet. She sighed, this was a tough crowd.

"What was I suppose to do? The man showed up at my door in the middle of the night with a crying baby!" She raised her voice trying to reason with her friends. Still no comments on the subject.

She shrugged her shoulders and left the room. Hearing that someone came after her. "April." She heard Arizona's tight voice. As she turned around she met Arizona's eyes, looking at her and not blinking. Fearing what she might say. She felt like she was slowly shrinking down to a size of a mouse under Arizona's look.

"He's been through enough already, I hope you know what you're doing." She heard her voice which was a little softer this time around, she nodded to her and she left her standing there alone. Well at least she wasn't entirely angry at her. She heard another set of footsteps and saw Owen standing there.

"For what it's worth, I think what you're doing is great." He gave her a faint smile and patted her shoulder as he continued on his way. Owen was on her side, that was a relief, she thought.

There was talking behind her back during that day, but it wasn't anything she wasn't used to. It's not the first time she has been the topic for gossip.

She met Jackson later the day when he came to pick up Harriet from daycare, she had come up to spent little time with her before she went home.

"I should apologize." She heard Jackson say.

"He came for me for help, I couldn't say no." She said as she met his gaze, she saw from his face that he understood it in a way.

She picked Harriet in her arms, kissed her forehead and gave her a warm hug before she handed her to Jackson.

"Apology accepted." She whispered and Jackson nodded to her. She watched as they left the daycare. He was smiling and talking to their daughter. She felt the familiar agony twist her guts again, she was going home without Harriet. When would get it get easier, she thought.

She was standing just outside the NICU at the hospital. Leaning against the counter and glancing towards Arizona and Matthew. Ruby was having her checkup today and she was hovering. She wanted to know what was going on, but she couldn't be in the room. He had been at her apartment for four more weeks and it was dangerous. She has been tending to Ruby the past few weeks, helping him survive through the challenging day to day life of a stay at home parent. It did seem that Ruby was calming down a bit, she wasn't crying as much anymore. Somehow she had gotten herself in the middle of a domestic life with a man she had left to the altar. A man she wasn't together with. But at least something good had come out of it, she wasn't sleeping with the intern anymore. And she wasn't drinking her sorrows away every night. Having him there had helped her more than she really knew. And she hoped it had helped him too, he had after all reached out to her in his despair.

"Kepner! What are you doing here?" She heard Alex Karev's sharp voice behind her.

"Nothing, I was just on my way to the ER." She turned around and walked past him, glancing quickly towards Arizona and Matthew again.

She knew it. She was in trouble. She was starting to care for the baby. He wouldn't be around forever and she has been thinking about when will he leave? She had opened her home for him when he had needed it, but for the last four weeks he has been at his house just to get some clothes and check the mail. Perhaps she should suggest to put the house up for a sale. But could she do that? How would he take it? Selling the house that meant so much for him, it was a home he had build together with Karen, but then again he wasn't living there. And would he take her proposition the wrong way? That she wanted him out of her apartment? Although that was exactly what she wanted. Before she was too attached to Ruby. Too used to coming home to someone. Before she might fall for him again and that was the last thing he needed.

She was psyching herself up the entire car ride over to her apartment. You can do this, Kepner. Just stay strong. She was standing in front of her door and she took in a deep breath and entered to her apartment. She walked in and looked around. The entire living room was filled with things for the baby. Baby bouncer on the floor, where Ruby was at the moment. Baby clothes hanging here and there. A small baby crib for Ruby beside the couch and a bag of his clothes beside the wall and the obvious signs that someone was crashing on her couch. She should have been upset about the mess, but instead the only thought in her mind was how it had gone with Arizona.

But before she could ask anything Matthew came from the kitchen towards her with a large wooden spoon with some meat sauce on it.

"Here, taste this." He gestured and she took a small taste of the sauce. Oh god. His signature meat sauce, she thought. It was so delicious.

"It's good." She said. But she remembered her agenda for the evening. She couldn't be distracted with meat sauces of any kind right now.

"Matthew.. I.." She started to say.

"Want us out?" He stated as he mixed the sauce in the kettle.

She was speechless. How had he known what she was going to say?

"Well. It's been nice, but you can't stay here forever." She replied, wanting him to know that it hadn't been entirely awful.

"I know." He said and met her eyes.

"I saw you today." He added and she felt like he saw right through her. She wasn't sure what would he think of her if she admitted that she cared for Ruby. Would he be mad?

"I was just concerned." She explained and glanced at Ruby. Feeling her heart jump of happiness that the little girl was here as her own was with Jackson. Usually the days when Harriet wasn't with her, she would often work late or stay the night at the hospital, but now she had to admit to herself that she has been coming home earlier the past weeks and it was because she had someone to come home to.

"I'm just asking that you allow us to be here a little while longer." "I'm selling the house, it's too big for us two anyway." He said and from the sound of his voice she heard it hadn't been an easy decision. But one he had to make.

"It's the right thing to do." She nodded and went to pick up Ruby as she was getting a bit restless.

She was holding her and talking baby talk to her when she noticed Matthew watching her. Clearing her throat, she went beside him and handed the girl to him. Excusing herself to go the bathroom.

She closed the door and went by the sink. She washed her face and looked at herself in the mirror. She already had feelings for Ruby. She has been here all the time the last weeks and it's been so nice. To have this little baby around, bringing some meaning in her life. She had tried to hold her distance, but it was inevitable.

She came back to the living room and saw him place Ruby back to the baby bouncer.

"I'm sorry." She said. Feeling that she should apologize that she had feelings towards his baby. His and Karen's baby, she thought to remind herself.

"I can't blame you, she is amazing, despite her crying." He smiled and that was the first time she had seen him really smile since that day. And she felt glad for him that he was able to find some joy after his devastating loss.

"Yeah, she is." She gave a faint smile and met his gaze. And she wasn't hiding the warmth in her voice when she said it. He knew how she felt about Ruby.