Ch 4: Love Me How?
His heart rate picks up as he spots the lights on in her office down the hall, his pacing picking up as his feet carry him towards her. He has no idea what he's going to say, but he hopes that once he sees her, the words will just come to him. He stops just shy of her office door when he realizes it's empty. Figures, here he was ready to lay it all on the table and she was gone. He slowly wanders into her office and notices her purse and coat absent, indicating she'd most likely gone home for the night. He plops himself down at her desk and shuts off her lamp, leaving him alone in the dark to mull over his thoughts. She left. He was finally willing to try and open-up and talk about his feelings and she left.
Donna, Donna please.
The words echo through his mind. He drops his head to his hands thinking back to the last time she left him sitting alone in an office, unable to express just how broken-hearted he truly felt. Deep down he knows this isn't the same as last time, she didn't really leave him, if anything she'd chosen him over Thomas and just gone home for the night. But damn it if it didn't leave him feeling almost as broken as he'd felt last time.
"Listen, I was thinking about what you said, about me pitying you. And I don't. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think you're one of the most amazing women I've ever met, and just because I don't…"
"I'm leaving you Harvey"
Her words slam into him like a freight train. The air catches in his throat and suddenly he feels like he's trapped underwater, fighting to breathe.
"What?"
"This isn't working for me anymore."
The rest of the conversation is a blur of white noise until the words "I'm going to work for Louis" bring him back to the conversation. She was leaving him. Just as everyone in his life always did, she was leaving him and there was nothing he could do about it.
"Donna, Donna please" he begs. He can't lose her. His only life constant. The women he loved.
With tear-filled eyes she whispers, "I love you Harvey" before walking out of his office, and his life.
.
After finishing off her drink she wipes the last tear from her cheek and decides she needs to pull herself together. She'd broken up with Thomas for a reason and there was no use sitting in her office crying over Harvey, she needed to go home, get some rest and gather her thoughts if there was any hope of talking this out with him tomorrow.
Gathering her things, she does her best to slip out of the office unnoticed. Not many people were around at this hour, but her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy from crying and she didn't feel like explaining why. She notices his office light is still on her way to the elevator and contemplates going to his office to hash this out once and for all, but her exhaustion wins, and she turns towards the elevator. She makes her way through the lobby and flags down a cab, telling him her address and leaning her head against the window as the city lights begin to pass by in a blur.
Harvey had never been the most emotionally available person and it should no longer surprise her when he reacts poorly in situations that call on his emotions. God, the last time feelings were involved things got so messy she went to work for Louis…
She closes her eyes thinking back to that day all those years ago, the day their relationship was tilted on its axis and put to the ultimate test. The day she left him to work for Louis and every event that caused her to leave Harvey for the first and only time in over a decade.
"Because she was his secretary, he must have loved her" she throws back at him, he should have seen that coming. After spending the day passively avoiding her, he knew this talk was coming whether he was ready to have it or not.
"That's not what I meant" he tries to defend his word choice, but he can tell by the look in her eye she came in to his office looking for a fight and she wasn't going to leave without one.
"But it is what you said"
"Okay Donna, what's wrong?" he asks, folding his hands over his desk and ready to take whatever she hits him with.
...
"Okay Donna, what's wrong?" He had some nerve asking her that. After walking away last night, seconds after telling her he loved her and then letting her sit alone with her thoughts all day without even a single word.
"How about we start with the fact that I have been wondering for the last 10 hours if you're going to acknowledge what happened last night. But you're you, so of course you're not" she tosses her arms up in frustration. For such a successful lawyer Harvey really did have the emotional intelligence of a kumquat and it drove her mad.
"I'm not going to acknowledge it because nothing happened last night" he answers.
"Why? And don't tell me I know why?" she scolds.
"Because it would have been a mistake, and you know it." Did she? She'd been so elated when she thought he finally wanted more she never really stopped to think of what the consequences would have been. Still frustrated, she refuses to let it go and decides to push him for more.
"What I know is something happened, and you ran away. But not before you told me you love me" she walks him through the night before.
"I did that because I wanted to make you feel better" he exclaims without thinking and immediately regrets his choice of words when he watches her face fall.
"What did you just say to me?" she shakes her head, trying to process him words.
"That's not what I meant, I didn't s…" panic rises through his chest, shit, that was a real asshole thing to say Specter. Just because you let it slip that you love her, doesn't mean you should make her feel horrible. Maybe just tell her the truth? Do you even know what the truth is in this situation?
"Because you pity me? Yeah, you did" she wags a finger at him and makes her way towards the door.
"No, I said it because I love you, and I wanted you to know it" He really was digging his own grave now.
"Love me how?" she challenges.
"Why does that have to…"
"Love me how?" she demands a second time, a determined look flashing across her face.
He locks his jaw and leans back in his chair. Tell her, now is your chance. She's laid it all out for you, all you have to do is tell her. Tell her what you've always wanted to. That you love her, in all the ways she's asking about and more. Tell her about all those times you wished you could lean over her desk and kiss her, all those nights you wished to take her home, the mornings you wish you'd woken up with her in your arms. Woah, where did that come from, I guess now you know how you love her. That way.
Shit, she's waiting for you to answer, how long has she been waiting?
"That's what I thought. You either can't answer, or you won't, which is bullshit because obviously, you don't just look at me this way" she gestures down at her body in the tight maroon dress that he secretly adored. He wants to tell her, but he can't bring himself to find the right words. His stomach physically aches at his inability to speak, he wants to tell her, to run to her, take her in his arms and ease the pained look in her eye, yet he can't find the strength to move.
"You're capable of looking at me that way, but you don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid to risk anything!" she fires at him, tears beginning to form in her eyes.
"Because we have everything!" he yells back, his mind and mouth now operating separately, because those are not the words he'd hoped for.
"No, Harvey. You have everything!"
...
"No Harvey. You have everything!" she snaps, growing more and more frustrated with his evasive answers. She'd asked point blank how he loved her and he couldn't even look her in the eye, let alone answer the question. She was starting to believe it was always going to be like this with him, he would never be able to open up the way she wanted him to; never be able to love her the way she craved.
"So you're saying you want everything?" he asks, finally making the eye contact he was working so desperately to avoid.
"I don't know, Harvey, but what I do know is, I don't want your pity" she resigns with a heart-broken sigh, leaving his office before he has a chance to say another word.
He just sat there, unable to get up out of his chair as he watched her walk away. He just sat and watched her walk out of his life, and he did nothing to stop her, rather he was the one who drove her away. He just had to go and tell her that he loved her, he had to ruin everything they'd spent the past decade building. He can still see the look on her face when he told her he said what he said because he wanted to make her feel better; broken, hurt and disappointed, but could he blame her? After what happened in her apartment the other night, he knew she expected more, deserved more.
"Thank you, Harvey" she leans against the back of couch after filling his wine glass.
"You don't need to thank me. You already thanked me"
"No, I thanked you for fixing it, now I'm thanking you for not bringing it up all night" she chuckles with a smile.
"I just figured if you wanted it brought up, you'd bring it up, and now you have so…" she watches as he searches for the right words. His demeanor suddenly shifting. She doesn't recall ever seeing him look so vulnerable, so unguarded and it throws her off her usual Donna-ness. She watches as he fidgets with his wine glass and he doesn't meet her gaze when he goes to speak.
"I told you I'd never let anything happen to you," he turns towards her and adds in a more confident tone, "And I won't ever, so you don't ever have to feel scared like that again" she nods a subtle nod, telling him she understands, she's never doubted him.
Feeling the need to alleviate some of the tension beginning to fill the room she jokes, "I thought you said you didn't do the comfort thing" and is relieved to see him smile.
...
"I thought you said you didn't do the comfort thing" she smirks at him and he's grateful she's taken it upon herself to help defuse the seriousness that previously had a hold on the room.
"I didn't say I didn't do it, I said I didn't have time because I was so busy saving your ass" he teases, tossing back the contents of his glass to prevent his mind from wandering to the inappropriate thoughts of her ass he feels bubbling close to the surface.
"I'm sorry I doubted you" she apologizes.
Clenching his jaw and offering the tiniest smile he sighs, "I'm sorry I snapped at you" And he truly was sorry for the way he lost his temper when she came to him and wanted to be comforted. He wanted to be the one to comfort her, but he was terrified he was going to lose her. He wasn't going to let anything take away from the focus he was determined in to throw in to getting her off the hook.
He watches as her chest rises and falls as she exhales sharply and decides to tell her why he acted out the way he did.
"Anyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter" he begins, eyes finding solace in hers. Shaking his head slightly he adds, "But with you it's different"
...
"But with you it's different" he's still holding her gaze and her mind is racing. What did it all mean? Him, here, with her? "I should go" he adds, breaking their gaze and moving to gather his jacket.
Why was it different with her? She dares to ask.
"Why?" she asks before he gets the chance to leave.
"You know why" he responds, but did she? Maybe he had finally realized she was more to him than just a secretary, maybe he really did look at her that way. Maybe, he wanted more. She's trying to process all the non-information he was giving her, and instead of asking more questions stares at him with a shocked look on her face, willing him to continue.
He tilts his head in the way she adores and answers her unasked question, "You know I love you, Donna" before turning and seeing himself out, leaving her shocked and speechless in the middle of her living room.
"You know I love you, Donna" he says the words before he realizes what they mean. Did he love her? Of course he did, he loved her like a sister or a really close friend. Then why did it seem as though his words bore a lot more meaning than when you tell you Aunt you love them during the holidays? No, he couldn't love her that way, he wouldn't. It wasn't worth risking everything they had together. She was the only constant he'd had in his life for as long as he could remember, and he wasn't about to lose her over something like this. He could rein in his feelings if it meant not losing her, he could live the rest of his days in misery for all he cared.
.
Fiddling with the multi-coloured pen on her desk he looks around her office; the office she worked so hard for. What if he could do it over? Would he change what he said to her when he told her he loved her? Or would be find the courage to tell her the truth about how he felt when she challenged him in his office the following day?
"Love me how?" she challenges.
"Why does that have to…"
"Love me how?" she demands a second time, a determined look flashing across her face.
He locks his jaw and leans back in his chair. Tell her, now is your chance. He was tired of being such a fucking enigma.
"That's what I thought. You either can't answer, or you won't, which is bullshit because obviously, you don't just look at me this way"
He cuts her off as he crashes into her, hands cupping her cheeks in an all-consuming kiss. Her body freezes for a moment before melting into his. She kisses him back with everything in her, only parting when they're both desperate for air. He knows it's not the kind of explanation she's looking for, she wants to hash this out with words, but he can't help himself from pulling her back into him for another kiss; a kiss that she reciprocates. They stand there, in his office, lost in each other. It felt so good to kiss her after all those years of wondering what she tasted like, wondering what it would feel like to hold her in his arms again. He wanted to stay trapped in this moment forever, the moment where she was his and all was well and simple.
"That's how" he finally whispers, breaking their kiss but keeping his hand on her cheek.
His eyes find hers, full of hope, lust and adoration and he knows no matter how terrified he is of losing her, it was worth risking everything for that look in her eye.
"I am in love with you, Donna" he adds, gentling stroking her cheek with his thumb.
...
"I am in love with you, Donna" the words linger through his office as her heart rate picks up. She'd wanted to here those three words from him for years, and now, he was saying them to her with an earnest look in his eye.
"You do?" she whispers back, quivering slightly, relax; she tells herself- this is real and if you're dreaming, please no body pinch me.
"I do" he smiles closing the distance between them once again. The passion in their kisses heightens and she mumbles something about taking her home, which he gladly obliges too and leads her towards the elevator.
"I love you too" she leans over and whispers as they enter the elevator hand in hand.
Everything seems to fall in to place temporarily. But despite their better instincts, neither are ready to be fully emotionally available, and it slowly eats away at the relationship. Harvey knows how he loves her, but sometimes he can't express it and he knows it bothers her. Donna is not much better, she'd wanted this for so long she'd never stopped to consider the impact a personal relationship would have on their working one.
It's passionate, hot and heavy until it begins to unravel; beginning when Mike goes to prison, and Donna has to beg Harvey not to turn himself in and ending when she can no longer stand having her position questioned. The relationship fizzles out within the year when they both decide it would be better to go back to being colleagues and friends before they can no longer salvage the friendship.
Harvey throws himself into his work, taking on case after case until he's so worn out he's no longer a man she recognizes. Donna goes to work for Louis anyways, no longer being able to work for the man she loved but can't have.
When Mike finally gets out of prison Donna never comes back to Harvey's desk and they remain the kind of friends that make small talk over coffee and weather in the elevator. It's heart-breaking in the worst way, both still being terribly in love with the other but not being able to properly express what they feel. In the end, they question what they could have done differently. Perhaps in a different time, under different circumstances, they could have had it all, but for now they were to estranged lovers living in a world of almost.
.
Getting out of the cab, Donna passes the driver a $20 bill and makes her way inside. The elevator ride up to her apartment is silent and she finds herself wondering, what if she'd never left Harvey to go and work for Louis? Or worse, what if she left Harvey to work somewhere else entirely?
.
Staying to work for Harvey after that night was the greatest mistake she'd ever made. The weeks that followed their confrontation in his office were filled with awkward silence and unresolved tension. As time went on, they spent less time together as friends and shifted into a stereotypical boss-secretary routine; she would set his meetings and fetch him coffee and he would work increasingly long hours and drink scotch alone in his office. She often found herself wondering if she should have left him when she had the chance, to save their friendship if nothing else.
.
Looking back on her time working with Louis, she realizes it was probably the best thing she'd ever done in terms of her relationship with Harvey. It tested the bounds of their relationship and sure enough their relationship was strong enough to survive. She had grown so accustomed to putting Harvey before herself and the time apart allowed her to compartmentalize and sort through a lot of her feelings for him. By time she returned to his desk she'd realized two things. First, she was and likely always would be in love with Harvey Specter. Second, she was good at what she did because that's who she was, not who she wanted to be for him, and that realization in its own was worth the world.
Maybe the point of everything they'd been through during the years needed to happen for them to get here. Even if she didn't have a clear picture of what here was yet, she had to hold on to hope that there was a reason for everything. That all the heartbreak and suffering were driven by purpose. Changing into her pajamas and settling into bed with a glass of wine, she chooses to believe that their story isn't over yet. Just as she's about to flip the television on, she hears three swift knocks on the door.
A knock she would recognize anywhere.