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A/N: We are back after a sort of hiatus. I blame Ol' Bob, who got himself kidnapped by a quintette of super-model-villains, and I've only just rescued/stolen him. Begrudgingly he came back to writing this with me.

Chapter Four:

Drunken Surprise (Though the real surprise is that anyone's reading this)

Harry and Co. went back to their tent, which they had all bonded over while putting it up because it took three hours. On the outside the tent only measured a sleek five by five feet. But don't you worry, on the inside it was even smaller, partially due to the fact that Mr. Weasley insisted on everyone having their own cooler. He didn't want his bananas touching the bananas of others. It was also unfortunate that they were across from Cedric's mega tent, which housed, among other things, a soup kitchen, and the sweetest skiball table you've ever never seen.

Ron was putting his fishnet shirt on, getting ready to go to the party at Cedric's tent. Hermione was already there. Harry was refusing to go.

"It's just a stupid party," Harry complained to Ron, "just a stupid party with lots of chicks and snacks and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Who cares? Hang out with me and we'll play another game of Settlers of Catan!"

Ron shimmied into his shirt, which did not stretch has much you would hope. "No thanks, Harry. This is my opportunity to join the popular crowd. Now then, which lipstick brings out the darkness in my eyes?"

Harry observed the choices. "These are both black."

Ron sniffed. "You don't get me." He left the small tent.

"…Don't get you a girl," Harry muttered. Defeated, Harry played himself in chess…and lost. After he threw the board in a rage, he popped open a bottle of O'Doul's (the only beverage he was permitted to drink)and pretended to get drunk. He tried his best to drown out the sounds of happiness wafting on the winds towards his insignificant tent.

But Harry was human, and he was eventually overcome by the intoxicating aroma of grub. Fondue pizza. What an age they lived in!

Harry, fueled by righteous hunger and fake-drunk confidence, went up to the Diggory tent and attempted to kick the door in. In this, he was unsuccessful, because it was a tent, and his foot became tangled in the fabric. "Help!" he screamed. "It can't end like this!"

"I'm here for you, Harry!" a voice called, a halo of light hiding the speaker's features. He untied Harry and set him free like with that sasquatch in Harry and the Hendersons (which was playing on one of the numerous big screen televisions within). As Harry got up to embrace his guardian angel, he realized it was, in fact, the angel of death. Cedric Diggory.

"You!" Harry yelled.

"It is I," Cedric said. For some reason, Cedric had a rapier by his side. "I was dueling five other dudes. All proceeds go to charity."

"Why does nothing you say make sense?!"

He took Harry by the arm. "C'mon in. Now it's a real party!"

"Please allow us to take your coat," said a kindly and subtly attractive coat person.

"I don't have a coat," responded Harry.

Harry felt something land on his shoulders. "You do now, sir," said a passing butler. The coat was a very well-made pea coat that obviously had a story behind it, what with the bullet hole.

"I'll take that for you," the coat person said. Before Harry even realized what was happening the coat was off and the person was handing him a small ticket. "Your number is 237, but to me you'll always be number one."

Harry stood, ticket in hand, for a few moments just breathing heavily. Have you ever put tinfoil in a microwave? That was what was happening to the inside of Harry.

"You look dazed. Grab a Tom Collins and relax," Cedric patted Harry on the shoulder.

Enter Mione. She was in a bikini, wet having just come from the Jacuzzi where she yucked it up with a bunch of socialites. "Where have you been, Cedric?" Hermione said, "You said we would meet in the water."

"Oh yes," replied Cedric handsomely, "I assumed you meant the Olympic-sized lap lane we have. I did forty laps waiting for you."

"But it's only been ten minutes?"

Cedric flexed his upper body, and his shirt exploded off of him. "I know," he said.

Before Hermione could throw herself at Cedric, Ron ran up and spake, "Hey, Cedric. Did you invite a bunch of Death Eaters here? Cause there's a bunch of Death Eaters here by the piano."

"Which piano?" asked C-digs.

"Ummm. The black one?" said Ron.

Cedric dashed dashingly away from the group, "Please be the Yamaha!" he shouted.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione ran after Cedric. When they found him, he was attempting to quell a spirited rendition of the German national anthem, being sung by a group of highly conspicuous Death Eaters. How had they gotten in? Probably lifted a flap (which is kinda how Troy fell, when you think about it). Why were they dressed as Death Eaters? One too many PBR's will make you want to relive the glory days, too. Cedric's Dad got the rest of the guests to start singing the Canadian national anthem, because it was much more upbeat than the British one, to quell the rising tide. His plan worked so well that the Death Eaters became enraged, and began tipping tables and refusing to tip their waiters.

Chaos ensued. Spells flew hither and thither, but especially hither. Harry grabbed as much food as he could carry, shoved it into his pockets, and ran away. Outside of the tent, the world fared no better (and the World Fair had been canceled). Harry saw tents lit aflame, families running for their lives, women with strollers screaming "My baby!" even though the baby was in their stroller. Through the madness, Harry could feel the cheese of the pizza in his pocket beginning to burn.

Hermione shoved him aside. "Get me outta here!" she screamed. "I can't die with my hair so frizzy!"

"Me neither!" Ron said, joining them. "Help! My fishnets are caught on a hook!"

"That is so ironic," Hermione said.

Harry wrenched his buddy free, and the three ran off in search of Mr. Weasley. "Quick!" Harry said. "Find a boot and let's get out of here! My pocket pizza's starting to hurt!"

From beside them, a voice called out a terrifying spell. A flash of light blinded our heroes, and the light shot towards the sky. It burst like a firecracker, into the awful shape of a snake wrapping itself around a woman who also happened to be on fire. All Harry could hear around him were screams as people beheld the mark in the sky.

Harry realized also that all the Death Eaters wore matching jackets with this symbol on the back. There was also a very catchy chant being sung.

"From your first killing curse

To the last that you blast

Death Eater's jolly hearse

Where the fun doesn't last

If you're pureblood that's good

If you're muggle that's fun

Either way it's a party

But rhyming is hardy."

Well. It was mostly catchy.

After the the verses of the song repeated a few times Harry got the rhythm down and began singing while he ran. In the background that none of our three heroes could see, but is nontheless important to you, sweet Nobody, was C-digs fending off a few dozen Death Eaters. "Get the women and children and the men and the gender nonspecifics out of here! I'll take care of these chumps!" Cedric bellowed. Harry would have helped out like a good little protagonist, but he was overcome with a hunger and decided now would be a good time to eat that pocket pizza.

As Harry munched contentedly on the pizza he was hit upside the noggin by something he saw coming, but afterwords forgot about because he lost much of that night from the injury. All he remembered was Ron screaming, "We've got to find a boot!"

When he woke up he was on the Hogwarts Express with Ron and Hermione.

"How long was I out for?" Harry asked.

"Huh," Ron said, pulling his headphones away from his ear to hear is "best" "friend." The My Chemical Romance could be heard easily.

"This is a dream, Harry. You're still unconscious," Myawn said melancholililily.

"If that were true," Harry said,standing from his seat (a little too quickly so his head got dizzy,) "I could sing!" the last word was attempted to be melodious, but ended up sounding more like a vultures death rattle whilst pooping. Death pooping.

From outside the compartment the trio could hear Cedric's voice cut through the chaotic din. It was the most beautiful thing any of them had ever heard and ever would hear. Ever.

"Alas, my love, you do me wrong to cast me off discourteously!"

Ron looked out to see what was going on, "I think he's playing the flute too. Like, at the same time."

"HOW?!" Harry screamed, "It's not even possible to do that!"

Ron shrugged, "Magic?"

Hermione swooned. From outside Harry heard Draco shout, "You suck, Potter!"

A/N: Leave a review, or, as is more often the case, don't!