Chapter 4

We were almost at the lair and after the long walk I still had no idea how to view this "ability." My whole life I had been an outsider. Watching the world above from the sewer shadows had left me longing to know what it would be like to roam with the humans. To just be another unremarkable face in the crowd. Even amongst my fellow terrapin brothers, I had felt always a little too different, or until recently anyway. Leo had reminded me of the love my brothers had for me then and still had for me now. It was not my brothers who distanced themselves from me, but I who sought isolation. When we swam back to the city after this huge realization, I found myself excited to see my brothers. I felt like I had been given a second chance. I was content knowing that even if I would still never belong to the human world I would always have my brothers. That's what I had thought until I discovered I could shape-shift. Now I had no clue what to think.

Before we continued to the lair Leo had insisted that I try a few more shapes to see the level of control I had. Not only could I transform into each of my brothers, but I could also turn into whatever form I desired. That included human. It was when I stared into the amber eyes of a young teenage human male that I abruptly changed back to normal and told Leo I had enough. Frankly, seeing that human face that so resembled my reptilian form had scared me – it was reality smacking me in the face. Yes, now I could take whatever form I pleased, but by doing that I still wouldn't ever actually "be" a human.

Even worse, shape-shifting risked my relationship to my brothers. It was all too evident that my emotions played a role in my transformations. Anger especially fueled unexpected changes. That was a threat enough to my family, but there was another dark thought that plagued my mind. I could now enter the human world, but my brothers could never follow. A new feeling of isolation settled over my heart as I came to this realization. I had always wanted to know what it was like to live amongst the humans, but these dreams always included my brothers. It seemed absurdly cruel that only one of the four of us had been granted such a boon. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted nothing to do with it.

As we approached the secret vent entrance we would use to sneak into the lair, I made my decision. I had to keep this a secret. Leo would always know, but of all my brothers I knew he would understand the best. This secret would never leave the two of us if I asked it of him. Leo wrestled off the grate from the wall and I tentatively made my request, "Leo?"

He lay the grate carefully on the ground and then looked at me curiously. Besides speaking of our plan we had talked little on our trek. Both of us were deep in thought, "Yeah Raph?"

"I know this is asking a lot, but uh can you not tell the others about this?"

I folded my arms nervously. Even though I knew he'd say yes, this whole shape-shifting thing made me uncomfortable. I just wanted to be normal damn it! Well as normal as a teenage mutant ninja turtle could be anyway. Leo however, was the epitome of calm, "You mean the shape-shifting thing don't you?"

I nodded and mumbled, "Yeah…"

He raised an eye ridge, "You don't have to be ashamed of this Raph."

I narrowed my eyes, I didn't want an "it's ok to be yourself lecture" from big bro. I just didn't want to ruin this second chance. I didn't know how to explain that to Leo though. Expressing myself through words had never been my strong point. "I know that Leo! Geez why is it always a lecture with you?"

He frowned and I briefly saw a look of hurt go through his eyes. I felt as stab of guilt and stumbled on, "Man… Sorry I didn't mean it like that Leo. Look I'm just a little freaked out ok."

His eyes softened with the apology, but he still looked concerned, "I understand Raph, but you don't have to shoulder this alone. Talking about it might help."

I sighed, "Maybe, but I need some time to figure this out. Please Leo?"

He scratched his head thoughtfully, "Alright I won't mention it to anyone, but once you figure this out you really should tell the others. Besides what am I going to tell them when they see you back to normal?"

That was a legitimate question. "Just uh…. Just that the second mutation amazingly enough turned me back to normal? Don himself did say he had no idea what I would turn into…"

Leo rolled his eyes, "You and me both know he won't buy that. Plus, he's going to be all over you for a blood sample to check for any remaining mutagen. Somehow I feel like he'll see something that's definitely not kosher."

I waved him off, "Don't worry about that bro. If we both keep to the same story we should deflect too many questions and when he goes for blood I'll just tell him to piss off. If you back me up he'll leave me alone. He always listens to you."

Leo shook his head and proceeded to the vent. "I'll do my best, but I still don't think this will work."

I crawled into the vent behind Leo in silence. I knew Don probably wouldn't buy it either, but I just needed some more time. I'd tell them when I was ready. If I'm ever ready.

I quickly shook those thoughts away. I could figure out the details later. Right now, we had our brothers to save.