Chapter 4

"Am I in love with him?" Sasha wondered at the breakfast table, absentmindedly munching on her bread. The question just wouldn't leave her alone "I want to see him; maybe seeing him again would help me to find an answer."

Not that it mattered in the slightest if it would or not, for it was not up to her when they'd next see each other. If she couldn't get her answers without seeing Nikolo, she'd have to wait for quite a while. But she didn't want that.

Sighing in irritation, Sasha finished her bread before moving her focus to her soup, not that her mind stayed on it long as it started to wander again. Where was Nikolo at right now anyway? Marley of course, but where there? Had he made it home already? He'd once said that he lived in the inner land and that it'd take a while to get there from the border… what was he doing? Was he eating breakfast right now like she was? Or could he still be asleep? No, perhaps he was the one making the breakfast! She had mostly eaten lunch, dinner and snacks made by him, but breakfast too every once in a while, and he was definitely good at that, too… she wanted to eat the pancakes he made again.

"Not that mom's food is bad, but…" Sasha's mind trailed off. Her mom's cooking was amazing on its own way too, it tasted like home, the only taste Nikolo had never been able to pull off, but still, she missed his foods. And him, that pleased look on his face when she complimented his cooking, the way he laughed at her face when food got stuck on it, the way he wiped the crumps from her cheeks with his hand-

"Sasha honey, everything okay?" her mother asks, startling Sasha out of her thoughts. Looking up, the young woman sees her whole family looking at her oddly. Smiling sheepishly, she says: "Yea, everything's fine! Sorry, just thinking about… things."

"Must be some serious stuff" Claus said, fixing his classes before casting a glare at Kaya next to him. Sasha had noticed the girl elbowing him "If it makes you of all people to stop eating."

Sasha looked down at her plate, realizing that the young man was right. Her spoon was still in her hand, raised right above the bowl, and had probably been there for a while. Her bowl was still almost full, while most of the others had already emptied theirs. Usually she was first to finish, the first bowl that is, so no wonder they were worried.

"Eh… sort of" she mumbled before continuing to eat. She didn't look, but she could still feel their stares for a while more before her family continued eating as well.

This was affecting her way too much.

XXXXX

Nikolo laid down on his bed, yes, his bed, exhausted. He had meant to look around the house a lot more, but after what happened at the greenhouse, he had just felt tired, so he went directly to his old room, pleased to find it still there. It hadn't gathered dust either, so apparently someone had told the maids to keep it clean, probably without disturbing anything in it. Not that Nikolo had checked yet, but at first glance everything looked to be like he had left it. He liked that.

What should he do today? He and the others who had just gotten away from Paradis weren't expected to return to service before going through comprehensive interrogations about what exactly had happened to them while on the island, and his wouldn't start until next week, so that meant he had some free time in his hands. He had to wait for his little brother's return, but perhaps after that he could go take a look around the town… or maybe he'd prepare dinner for his family? Certainly, they wouldn't complain about it this time, not when he'd been gone so long… part of him had wanted to make lunch too, but he had been so exhausted that he had decided to leave it to the servants. He'd have plenty of chances to cook for his family from now on.

Then again, part of him really wanted to return to his job as a soldier as well. He was sure that Marley would have some soldiers positioned at the borders of Paradis in time as a safety measure, and perhaps some would even be let inland since it's not like Marley and Eldia would just agree on peace and never interact with each other after that. No, some soldiers would definitely be sent to Paradis sooner or later, and he'd do his best to become one of those soldiers. That'd be the easiest way to keep his promise.

He should have a good chance at being picked for such a job, too. He wouldn't anger the Eldians by being hostile unlike many others would and he could just tell his superiors and fellow soldiers it was control he had been forced to learn in order to survive as a prisoner. That wouldn't even be a complete lie since that was what he had done in the beginning. He also knew some higher ranked officers of Eldia personally, which certainly counted as an advantage. He also had the kind of understanding about their lacking behind -culture that no one in Marley aside from fellow former war prisoners had. Yes, he could do this! He just had to make sure not to look too eager to return so that he wouldn't seem out of his mind and convince his superiors that he wasn't traumatized or anything and that he could go back. Everything would work out; he'd get to see Sasha again.

He just hoped she'd answer to his feelings.

XXXXX

Sasha couldn't take this anymore; she just couldn't get Kaya's words out of her head! Nor could she figure out what she was feeling, and it was driving her crazy! She needed to get some kind of understanding about things, and she needed it now.

"Mom?" she asked as she went over to the woman, proceeding to help with the dishes by drying the washed ones "I think I need a little advice."

Lisa looks at her, and she doesn't seem surprised. Sasha reasons it's because of what happened at breakfast.

"I'm on all ears honey" she says before taking the next bowl "What's wrong?"

Sasha hesitated for a while, thinking that this was a little embarrassing, especially at her age. She should've asked about this stuff from her when she was a teenager or something.

"How do I know if I'm in love with someone?" she finally blurts out, not looking at the woman. Embarrassed, she feels her face heat up a bit as she waits for an answer.

"Romantical love is a complicated feeling, much more so than the platonic one that many feels for several people" her mother starts "But it's still hard to point out any concrete difference."

Sasha frowned; this wasn't really helping.

"How did you know that you were in love with dad when you two were still young?" she asks, and to her surprise her mother frowns a little at her.

"You say it like we were very old now" the woman says, clearly not liking the idea, and Sasha laughs. Lisa laughs back.

"I suppose I was a little dense when it came to these things" the older woman starts "I never realized it myself though, for I was always teasing my friends about their crushes, which were so obvious. However, I never noticed your father's feelings for me before he said it to my face despite how much time we spent together."

Sasha gasps, the bowl she'd drying almost slipping from her hands, but she manages to catch it. That sounds a lot like her; she had no idea about Nikolo's feelings either before Kaya mentioned them!

"We were together a lot before his confession. Hunting, cleaning the meat, studying, which neither of us was ever good at I'm afraid, and I always enjoyed his company, but I had just never really… thought of him as a man, probably because we'd known each other since we were children. He was always that boy in the neighborhood to me, even when he actually grew up to be a man. I was only able to look at him differently when he did something that made me do so."

And that something was the love confession. That made sense, but this didn't really help her, for her situation with Nikolo was very different. She may had known him for years, but not since she was a child. Had she been wondering about Connie or Jean, then the situations would be comparable.

Sasha snorted at the thought of herself with either of them. She loved them, loved them dearly, but no. Just no, things wouldn't work in the romantical sense between her and one of them. And she didn't want to either, not despite actually being able to see them as more than the little boys they'd been when she'd first met them.

"Is it funny to you?" her mother asked, but didn't sound mad or anything, just curious. Sasha however just shook her head "No, it just brought something to my mind."

It was then that she realized that the idea of a relationship with Nikolo didn't bring her amusement the way it did with the other two; it brought forward… a different feeling she couldn't quite place. And it wasn't a bad feeling.

"So, honey" her mother started, and Sasha turned to look at her "Who's the lucky man?"

"Nobody!" she hurried to say automatically "Just wondering in case… in case there'll be someone someday! Yeah!"

Her mother didn't believe her in the slightest, and Sasha knew that, but she was grateful when the woman didn't press her any further. Still, that didn't stop the bowl from finally slipping from her hands as her mother said: "Despite everything that happened in the past, I want you to know that mister Nikolo does have the approval of both me and your father."

XXXXX

Viktor came home. Had Nikolo passed the boy, young man on the street, he would've never known it was him. Even now he only recognized his brother because he was expecting him.

"Good to see you well, brother" the young man he could no longer recognize told him formally, making Nikolo wonder how much he remembered about him "It must've been hard for you during the last nine years."

"I managed well enough" Nikolo said, trying to balance between not being too formal but not overly familial, either "I've heard that you're doing well in life as well."

"I am, even if I do say so myself" Viktor replied "It seems lunch is about to be ready. Shall we continue this conversation at the table?"

Despite the fact that Nikolo had nodded, he found himself to be rather quiet when their party of seven ate. Bianka did most of the talking, having not seen the rest of the family in a while either so she was asking questions, and Nikolo was fine with it. He was, for once, fine being a bystander here and listening to what had been going on with his family. It was peaceful, and Nikolo got a sense of normal family gathering.

"Uncle Nikolo" little Dominik said when there was a pause in the conversation, getting the man's attention "What is the island of devils like?"

…And the peace was officially gone right at that moment as all eyes landed on him, waiting for an answer. Why was a five-year-old even asking that?

"Dominik!" his sister hissed at her child "Don't bring up those kinds of things at the table!"

"But I want to know- "

"Dominik, it's a terrifying place" Nikolo's own mother cut in "It is not something children should hear of."

Nikolo hid the scowl that was threatening to form on his face like a pro, internally cringing at his mother's words. She didn't know a thing.

"No point in holding it against her; I was once like that, too" he reminded himself "I can't shame her for just repeating what she's been taught all her life."

Still, he couldn't just go and correct her, it wasn't a good idea. But he could steer the conversation to a more neutral direction.

"Maybe I'll tell you when you're a little older" he said "How about I tell you about our awesome ship that I used to get back home?"

The boy seemed a little disappointed, but brightened up soon, eager to hear about the warships. Judging from the looks on their faces, his family approved of this change of topic as well. Good; one problem less.

XXXXX

Sasha was cleaning her bow, deep in thought. Now that she could think about it in peace, she realized that the situation she had with Nikolo was more comparable to the situation her parents had had than she originally had thought. Sure, they were no childhood friends, but Sasha too had been stuck on one picture of him, seeing him as the Eldian hating war prisoner that he was when they met. He had changed she knew, but the change had been slow, so maybe that's why she got stuck to the idea? And she had started to think of him as a man consciously only after Kaya pointed out that he was no longer what she had met him as, just like her mother had seen her father as a man only after he confessed. And now that she did think of him as a man who did not despise her kind anymore, she couldn't get him out of her head. So, did that mean she was in love with him?

…

"I still don't know, damn it!" she screamed, startling some nearby birds.

"I should think about this from some other ankle… uh… sexual attraction?" Sasha wondered, feeling weird even thinking of such a word. Truth to be told, she had zero experience when it came to any sexual actions, even her first and so far, only kiss had been with Hitch as a drunken dare from Jean. And Hitch was a girl, so it was safe to say she had zero experience with men. Well, there had been some drunken flirting between her, Connie and Jean as well as some other soldiers, but it had stopped at that. She wasn't even sure if she knew what it felt like to be sexually attracted or, well, aroused. Her mind had always jammed on two things: food and war. There had been no time for men "Aaw man, I was already born by the time mom was my age! Is this the price I pay for being a soldier!?"

Sasha shook her head, knowing that she had to focus. So, sexual attraction. Did she feel it towards Nikolo? Had she ever felt it towards him, or someone else for that matter?

"I did consider kissing him once" she recalled "But he ate the last piece of chocolate and I wanted a taste! That's all there was to it!"

Or was it? Jean had been there too, as had Connie. All three of the men had eaten that chocolate just before she arrived, yet the one she had considered stealing it from by kissing was Nikolo and Nikolo only. The question was, why not the other two?

"Because they're like family; it would've been weird!" a part of her reasoned, yet then another memory came to her. A memory of Nikolo standing in the kitchen with his back to her, taking off his jacket that he had just spilled sauce on. He had been wearing a thin, sleeveless shirt under it and Sasha recalled clearly how she'd stood at the doorway, eyeing his strong arms and what she could see of his muscled body through the shirt. She had definitely been looking at him sexually, she now realized, and the thought made her face heat up.

"Oh god…" she muttered "I really…"

But sexual attraction didn't equal love, she reminded herself. Perhaps her natural instincts as a woman had just reacted to an attractive man's presence. Yup, that had to be it… and she just considered Nikolo attractive. Damn.

"I need to stop; I'm getting a headache" Sasha muttered, reminding herself that she didn't have to solve this now. It would take at least weeks, most likely months before she'd see him again, she had time. Who knows, maybe the answer would come to her when she least expected of it.

Mind made up, the young woman was determined to continue her day normally from here on. The answer would come when it was time.

XXXXX

"Brother?" Viktor asked as he came to the half open door to Nikolo's room "Do you have a moment."

"So formal" the man thought as he put the book he had been eyeing back in to the shelve, making a mental note of trying that last recipe at some point "Of course, what do you need?"

"I just wanted to talk" the younger man said, sitting down on a chair at the desk "There's something I wanted to ask."

"Something you didn't want to ask in front of the family" Nikolo understood the unspoken message "What is it?"

"What was it like on Paradis?" he asked, and Nikolo froze "Can we really trust those devils to keep their end of the deal and not destroy the peace, destroy the world?"

For a moment, Nikolo didn't say anything. He had his own, clear opinion on the matter, but could he tell it honestly to his little brother? Would he seem too much like an Eldian sympathizer?

"You don't have to answer" Viktor said, cutting off his line of thought "I'm sorry I brought this up; this certainly isn't the easiest thing for you to talk about."

"No, it's- "Nikolo sighed, rubbing his face "It's quite alright, just thinking."

He'd go with his honest opinion, but he had to word it carefully.

"I think that if they wanted to destroy the world, they would've done it by now" he started "So I don't think they'll use the power of the rumbling as long as no one gives them the impression that someone else is trying to destroy the peace. So, don't worry; I don't think we'll have to worry about any attacks from them."

Thank god Floch and Eren were both dead; otherwise Nikolo probably wouldn't be able to believe his own words.

"I see, I'm glad" Viktor said with a relieved sigh, looking at his brother with what Nikolo could only call hesitation "Are you certain you're alright, brother? Nine years in a place like that…"

"I'm fine" Nikolo said firmly, not sure if his brother would believe him "It'll take a while to get used to living here again, but I'm fine."

"That's good to hear" Viktor said, but Nikolo could tell that he wasn't done talking "I know that no one else in this family can really understand what you've been through, but if you want to talk you know that we'll all listen, right?"

"Of course," Nikolo said after recovering from surprise. The snotty nosed little brat he'd once known sure had become a sympathetic young man "You really have grown, haven't you."

Viktor seemed a bit sheepish, but didn't deny it. Nikolo chuckled, more convinced than ever that everything would be alright. He might have to learn to know his family all over again, but with time he'd learn what he had forgotten and missed, for he was home and this was his family.

XXXXX

"Sis, that was my sandwich" Kaya said with a frown as Sasha ate what was supposed to be her snack.

"Oops!" Sasha said as she looked down at the food, realizing that Kaya was right. She'd taken the wrong one "Sorry!"

"You're lost in your own little world a lot today" Kaya said, taking the sandwich meant for Sasha "Are you thinking about what I said in the morning?"

"…Maybe a little" she confessed "But I'll figure things out… eventually."

"Okay" Kaya said, focusing on her food. Sasha tried to do the same, but something was bugging her again. But this time, it wasn't Nikolo. It was Kaya, who made her older sister wonder how she was so perspective about these things.

"Say, Kaya" she started, getting the girl's attention "Are you in love with someone?"

The only answer Sasha got was Kaya averting her gaze as she continued munching on her sandwich.

"Kaya?" the girl said nothing, and a smile crept it's way on Sasha's face "You are!"

"…" the girl didn't say anything, the reddening of her cheeks the only proof that she was even listening. Exited, Sasha asked: "Who is it? Do I know him?"

"…Maybe" Kaya muttered silently. Sasha was delighted; she was happy for Kaya of course, but this could also really work as a good distraction for her from her own thoughts "C'mon, tell me about him!"

"Well he's… funny and reliable, a hard worker and… I guess I could call him… handsome?" Sasha bit back a chuckle as she saw the heat rise to Kaya's cheeks. She was so cute! "What does he do?"

Kaya looked away, blush deepening.

"…I don't wanna say" Sasha blinked, surprised. Why wouldn't Kaya want to tell her? Unless…

"Kaya" she said, narrowing her eyes "If he's some kind of criminal- "

"Says the woman who constantly hung out with a war prisoner" Kaya cut her off, effectively shutting Sasha up as she grinned sheepishly "And no, he's not. I just don't wanna say 'cause if I do, you'll figure it out."

"Oh?" Sasha said, her curiosity raising to its peak. Now she had to know! Thinking fast, she made a quick mental list about guys Kaya could be in love with. Claus? They were close, but then again, she was also close with Emil, which was no wonder as they had lived under the same roof for years. The descriptions would fit though, she supposed. What about the other young men in the village? No, it didn't seem likely. Sasha didn't know them well, yet Kaya made it sound like it'd be easy to figure out the man's identity if she shared too much. She wanted to know so badly! "C'mon, at least give me a little hint!"

"No" Kaya said firmly, with a tone that said her decision was going to stick "I haven't even told him yet…"

The rest was said as an uncertain whisper, making Sasha drop her teasing. It wasn't a suitable moment for that, it seemed.

"Are you afraid he won't answer to your feelings?" she asked softly. She wasn't an expert in these things, this morning had proved that to her if anything, but maybe Kaya'd feel better if she got to talk about it?

"Uhhuh" she said "I used to think he was in love with certain another girl, but when I hinted about it, he flat out denied it. Apparently, it's not like that… but he could still have someone else. Or he could simply not have any interest in me."

Unfortunately, Sasha couldn't really relate to it all; her own problems were so different. All she did know was that uncertainty about feelings, one's own and of those important to you, could really suck. She felt bad for the both of them.

"…If I do get something done, I promise you'll be the first I'll tell" Kaya said, making Sasha smile "So if you come to the conclusion that you are in love with mister Nikolo, will you tell me?"

"Kaya!" Sasha screeched as her face went red, making Kaya laugh. This only made Sasha blush harder.

"Ah jeez" she thought as she listened to Kaya's laughter "Nikolo, why're you making my life so complicated?"

A.N: In case anyone's wondering: yes, I did make up the names for the orphan boys in the Blouse household. I have one for the girl too, but that wasn't needed yet so you ain't getting it. If Isayama does name them at some point then I'll replace the names I made up with the actual names, but until that happens the boy with classes is Claus and the other one is Emil. And the girl? Keep reading the future chapters and you may find out!