I have no medical training so I apologise for anything that may not be accurate
I unfortunately don't own Stargate or any of the characters and am just borrowing them for my own enjoyment.
John was standing in the middle of a desert and looking around. All he could see was sand dunes.
"Ok." John sighed. "This is somewhat familiar." He looked down to see he was wearing his Atlantis uniform instead of the expected desert fatigues. He felt a bit achy but couldn't recall why.
"This is one strange dream." He said and started walking to where he knew he would find Holland waiting fir him. He noticed he didn't have his gun on him, and normally in this dream it always acted out the same way each time. It always happened that he was an observer, just watching it happen over and over. This time it was different, he seemed to be in control of himself. He shrugged it off and continued on. He arrived at the hut where Holland was laying on the ground waiting for him.
"Hey Shep. What took you so long?" Holland greeted
"Too mush sand." Sheppard replied feeling strange at the new twist in his regular nightmare. He slowly knelt down beside Holland. "How you going?"
"I'm good Shep, I'm good. There is nothing more you can do for me."
"What are you talking about? Let's get you up and get you out of here."
"No Shep, you have to let me go. You've done all you can."
Sheppard frowned at the change from what he knew had happened. "Come on man you can't give up."
"We both know how this ends Shep. I just want you to know that I appreciate what you tried to do."
"It's not over yet." Sheppard said
"It's been over a long time. You risked your life and your career for me Shep. It's not your fault that I died."
"I'm sorry Holland, I tried." Sheppard said slumping down beside Holland. "They wouldn't let me come back for you."
"I know that. It's their fault not yours. Don't feel guilty, I know you done everything you could. You have to let it go Shep, I know you and I know you will blame yourself."
"Of course I do. I should have been able to save you."
"You're not God Shep. Give yourself a break. You can't save everyone."
"No but I can try." Sheppard replied. "What's going on here, why is this happening?"
"Don't know Shep, this is your head."
"Is this something to do with the ancient machine?"
"I don't know Shep. It could be." Holland replied. "I just know you need to let go of your guilt. I don't blame you and my family knows you were the only one who tried to do something. It wasn't your fault."
"I know." Sheppard sighed and closed his eyes. "I know."
When Sheppard opened his eyes again, Holland was gone. He was now sitting in a huge ship. He quickly got to his feet and scanned the area. "Ah shit." He said as he noticed Sumner slumped on the ground, with his life drained and a bullet through his chest. Sheppard moved to Sumner's side, knelt down and checked for a pulse. Finding none, he sighed and started to get up.
"Thanks." Sheppard heard and nearly jumped out of his skin, hearing the voice of a dead man
"Sir?" he asked kneeling back down.
"Thanks for shooting me. Wasn't sure you had the balls." Sumner said
"I couldn't let then get any more information Sir. I had no choice. They were killing you and I know now, how painful that is."
"You done what you had to do soldier. I'm just glad you had the balls to do what needed to be done. Most wouldn't."
"Yes Sir." Sheppard replied.
"I might have said you were a screw up Sheppard, but I'm glad it was you here."
"Ah thank you Sir. I am sorry you had to die Sir, and I'm sorry I killed you, but if I had to do it again, I would do the same thing."
"And that makes you a good soldier Sheppard. You do what needs to be done. Atlantis is in good hands. And it was my fault the wraith awoke. I gave them the information on earth, not you. They woke because they knew there was a new feeding ground, not because you killed the Keeper."
"Thank you." Sheppard replied as Sumner's body slowly disappeared. "This is the weirdest dream ever."
He looked around and noticed he was now on a different wraith ship. "What now." He asked out loud, as he stood up wincing in pain, as he felt a pulling in his stomach. He shrugged it off and headed to find his next nightmare. He walked into the next room and saw the withered remains of Abram's and not too far away was the withered body of Gaul, with a hole in his head from the self inflicted gun shot. He sighed and moved to the corpse "Ah shit kid." He said sitting down.
"It's your fault his dead." He heard a voice say.
He looked around and saw Rodney standing at a distance. "You told me to put the gun in his hand. You left us alone." He said.
"I know Rodney." Sheppard sighed. "I should never have brought any of you to this ship."
"He shot himself because I wanted to help you." Rodney continued.
"I know." John said dejectedly. "I know."
"That's bull." John heard Rodney say. He looked up confused by the change of attitude until he saw a second Rodney standing in front of him.
"Rodney?" he asked
"Hey." The second Rodney replied. "So here's the thing. That ancient device on the planet turned out to be an ascension device designed to help you battle your demons, so you can ascend."
"So what I'm supposed to deal with this and convince myself that none of this was my fault. And then I'll ascend."
"Something like that, but you won't ascend." Rodney said. "It's like those wanna be ancients that you were stuck with for six months, well it was only a few hours for us but"
"Rodney." John growled.
"Oh sorry you know that. Anyway they were physically ready to ascend but not mentally, they had to over come their demon, the beast thing, where as you won't physically be ready to ascend."
"Ok." John replied. "So this Rodney here isn't real, but you are?"
"Yes I entered your dreams to help you." Rodney grinned "We used the same thing you used to enter my dreams. Well, we had to make a few adjustments because it's not exactly the same as a dream."
"Rodney." John interrupted again.
"Oh, yes well anyway, you can't seriously think that this was your fault."
"I'm ... well... yeah I do." John stuttered. "I told you to give him the gun."
"He was dying." Rodney yelled. "The wraith took most of his life. He knew he wouldn't survive. If anything it was my fault. I told you there were no life signs and I didn't bother to continue checking. I gave him the mirror and showed him what he looked like. I knew he was having trouble dealing with what had happened and I still handed him the gun."
"It wasn't your fault Rodney, you couldn't have known what would happen."
"Well if that's true for me it's the same for you." Rodney replied smugly.
"Yeah but"
"No buts." Rodney interrupted. "It was no ones fault."
"I still feel like I should have done more."
"I know." Rodney replied. "I feel I should have done something,g but there was nothing either of us could have done."
"Ok." Sheppard agreed. "So how long am I going to be stuck in la la land?"
"Until you've dealt with everything that bothers you."
"Awhile so." Sheppard sighed. "How long have I been out?"
"You've been out for about 40 hours so far."
"Really?" Sheppard asked surprised."It hasn't felt that long."
"You were under anaesthetic for a while, so that may be why." Rodney concluded
"Why was I under anaesthetic?"
"Oh, you don't remember?"
"Not sure really. I remember the machine and having a headache on the way back. Was there animals running?"
"Yes, well we were attacked by a herd of 'things' and you got hit pretty hard."
"Huh that would explain the pain in my stomach and the achy feeling."
"Oh crap." Rodney exclaimed "Is it bad? Keller was worried it might interfere with this."
"It's fine Rodney, Just an ache."
"Oh ok, so well let me know if its gets worse. So what's next?"
"Not a clue Rodney. You don't have to stick around if you don't want to." John said and pointed to his head. "It's pretty messed up in here."
"I'll stick around, I'm sure you'll need my genius at some stage."
"All right." Sheppard drawled. "Let's get on with the show."
They both started to look around, when suddenly the scenery changed and they were standing in the middle of a forest.
"So?" Rodney asked. "What's happening here?"
"No idea." Sheppard replied.
"It's your head, you should know what's going on." Rodney shouted
"Well I don't. Let's move and have a look around."
The two walked around for a few minutes seeing nothing but forest.
"Do you feel guilty about birds or deforestation or something, because that's all I can see around here?" Rodney whined.
"Not that I'm aware of Rodney." Sheppard sighed.
"Well this is getting ridiculous. I'm not traipsing around a forest forever."
"I don't think we'll have to."Sheppard replied as he came to a stop. "Look."
Rodney stopped beside Sheppard and looked around. He saw a figure moving closer. "Who is it?"
"Ford." Sheppard sighed
"Oh."
"Hey Sir." Ford said happily as he came towards them.
Hi Ford." Sheppard replied cautiously.
"How can you feel guilty about him?" Rodney yelled "We tried to help him and he kidnapped us and drugged me."
"He was under my command. I should have been able to convince him to stay."
"We were kind of busy trying to save the city from the wraith."
"His cousin told me that he trusted me. It made me feel even worse that his trust was misplaced."
"You did everything you could for him." Rodney yelled.
"In the end." Ford interrupted. "I died to save you. My trust wasn't misplaced Sir. You were the best CO I've ever had. You never asked others to do something you weren't willing to do yourself and for that you've earned everyone's respect and trust and that includes mine."
"I know you done every thing you could to find Aidan." Fords cousin added appearing beside him. "I could see you cared, not many CO's do. It wasn't your fault. You done right by us."
"I'm just sorry I couldn't do more." Sheppard replied and was about to add more when the whine of darts interrupted.
"Oh crap." Rodney shouted noticing the dart coming straight for Sheppard. "Move."
Sheppard was just moving away when he was tackled by Ford and they just missed being swept up by the dart.
"You ok Sir." Ford asked getting up.
"I'm good." Sheppard mumbled still laying on the ground.
"Good." Ford replied. "I'm out of here. Thanks for everything Sir. Good luck with the rest of this."
"No problem Ford. Thanks."
"You sure you're ok?" Rodney asked moving to Sheppard extending his hand to help him up.
Sheppard reached up and grabbed Rodney's hand and as Rodney pulled him up he let out a scream of pain.
"Shit what's wrong." Rodney asked letting Sheppard back down.
"My stomach and side." Sheppard groaned clutching his side.
Rodney looked at Sheppard and saw blood covering his abdomen. "Crap."
"Hang on John." Rodney pleaded as he knelt down beside his friend.
"I'm tired." John replied softly.
"No Sheppard don't go to sleep stay with me please.
"Sorry... Rod...ney." Sheppard groaned and slipped away.
To be continued......
Thanks to everyone who reviewed the next chapter should be up in a few days.