"How about a nice girl's night out?" Tess and Robyn asked the senior consultant, for a moment Zoe considered. After all she'd been through recently, all she wanted to do was go home and lay in the arms of her partner and yet she couldn't bring herself to say no. The department had been a haven for stress recently and she knew that the two women in front of her needed a break, anyway maybe it'd take her mind off the thing that she didn't want to be thinking about. Everyone could tell that she wasn't her normal self and yet they just assumed that she too was stressed, after all Max was okay and if anything but work was wrong then he'd have been the same as Zoe was acting.

"Yeah okay, I'll see you in reception at the end of the shift." Zoe replied, doing her best to muster a smile as she spoke. Walking off slightly, she tried her best not to let the tears that were forming in her eyes spill down her cheeks. She didn't want anyone to see her pain, not even Max knew of it and yet she was heartbroken.

The girl who always says yes
Wants to scream no
Takes over everyone's stress
And ignores her own
The life and soul of the party
But loves to stay home
She says she's not broken-hearted
But she cries on her own

"Max, I'm going out with your sister and Tess tonight." Zoe told him as she caught up with her partner in the corridor.

"Okay, you deserve a night out." Max replied, "Are you okay?" he asked, noticing the tears clouding over her eyes.

"Yeah, sorry we just had another death in resus and you know how emotional I get when I'm tired." She lied, for a second she wondered why she was lying to him but she knew exactly why she was doing it. Within a week she'd discovered that she was pregnant, despite the 1/100 chance of conceiving, but before she'd found the perfect moment to tell Max she'd miscarried the baby. For three weeks she'd been living with the grief and guilt all on her own, she didn't want Max to go through what she was now, if he never knew that she was pregnant then why should she put him through the pain of the miscarriage. Deep down she knew that she was wrong, that Max deserved to know but she was doing it with the best intention but still she wanted nothing more than just to cry and grief with someone else knowing what she going through.

Playing pretend
I shouldn't hide it
It isn't right
Being a liar
I'm crossing the line
Dancing with fire,
When I'm not fine
Should I deny it?

She knew that the grief was making her mad, she knew that the constant guilt that she felt from blaming herself for having somehow causing the loss of her baby was getting her nowhere. Inside she felt shattered, her heart had smashed into tiny pieces that she wasn't quite sure how to put back together, or even if she could. Plastering a smile across her face she tried to get on with her day, to hide the pain from everyone else so that they couldn't see how broken she was. To everyone looking in her life was a dream, she was a well-paid consultant who loved her job and who had a loving partner who'd do anything for her, and they'd just moved in together. No one knew of the nightmare that she was living, the torment she felt at the loss of her child, the baby that she'd so desperately wanted. All she knew was that this wasn't her, she knew it and Max knew it and yet she knew that she was going to continue to pretend because although it was killing her, Max was living in blissful happiness while he was oblivious to the experience that Zoe was going through.

Cause I'm going crazy when I'm not okay,
I keep praying that the cracks don't show my pain,
Cause even when I'm falling, I say my life is like a dream,
But I'm fighting through a nightmare,
Cause I'm not really being me,
See you don't really know me

A/N Sorry for it being sad, this might be awful but I've never been through pregnancy or miscarriage so I have no experience of it but I'm hoping it's still okay.

Beth x